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babyneed62683 - December 26th, 2008 11:49 AM

My husband and I have a beautiful little girl. I get so much enjoyment from her and I feel this need in my gut to have another one. I told my husband I wanted another one and he told me we will talk about it after the first of the year. Well, I am not one to wait, so I bugged him about it last night (Christmas) and he blurted out he doesn't want anymore. I am devastated. I know I am meant to have another child and I feel this empty hole in the pit of my stomach that makes me sick. I love my husband and our family and I don't want to jeapordize it, but I don't know how to get past this. I can't force him to have another child by an accidental pregnancy; that's not fair to him or the unborn child. I just need to know where to go from here. I am afraid if I try to talk to him about it again, he is going to get angry with me and never give having another child a second thought, but at the same time, I don't want to wait around for forever and have children that are 10 years apart. Please help!


isoldelliveson - December 27th, 2008 12:42 PM

I have been in the same situation. However, I was the on that didn't want any more children. I have two sons 51/2 years apart. after my youngest was born I felt that my family was complete. I had an IUD put in, was put on the patch and used condoms to ensure their could not be a surprise pregnancy.

My Dear husband was very patient with me for the last four years. Through patience, gently and loving communication. I started to see that we could really enjoy having another child.

The bast way is to sit down with your husband and ask him to reconsider the thought of having another child and his willingness to keep the communication open on the issue. Make sure you hear how he feels about another child and why. He also needs to know how hopeless you feel when there isn't an option of a discussion about having another child.


Hockeymom29 - December 31st, 2008 11:01 AM

Have you discussed with him the reasons why he is so closed off on the subject of another child? Instead of talking about your wants, maybe start the discussion with his concerns and desires for the future. Maybe through that you can come up with a compromise or a timeline. From what I gather, your daughter is barely a year old. Maybe he is still tired out from that and hasn't gotten to the "I miss the baby" stage yet.

From personal experience, my parents had my brother and sister 2 years apart when they were first married and in their early twenties. At that point, they had no intentions of having another one. As the got older, and more of their friends were having children, they decided they did want another one. I was born 1 day before my brother's 10th birthday. It was quite a gap, but I know they enjoyed having another one while the other two were in college and getting married.

I'm not encouraging that much of a gap, just pointing out that sometimes when a person isn't ready and is feeling pushed, he might say he doesn't want another to try to change the subject, but will eventually realize what he is missing. I would not give up. Just maybe wait it out. I know it's hard, I'm not very patient myself. My husband and I wanted one so much, we got pregnant on our honeymoon!

I have been rambling, but I would only try to get him to talk about his feeling on the subject for now and then take some time to try to understand where he is coming from. The more you know, the easier it will be to come up with a solution or a game plan for how to play it out.

A friend of mine always wanted 4 children and her husband really only wanted 2 at the most. She was able to talk him into a 3rd because they had had 2 boys and she really wanted a girl. He was not all that stable of a person and to be fair the mariage was on rocky ground. But she did go behind his back to get pregnant with the 4th and now she has her 4 kids and no husband. I'm glad to hear you won't consider this action. It's not the smartest. Try your best to be patient and if you need to vent, do so... just not to him... yet.. GL!0


km143 - January 6th, 2009 6:55 PM

Me and my husband were in the exact same boat. My only way of getting through it was telling myself that if God wanted us to have another baby, we would. I wouldn't dream of going behind his back either. But this past month something went haywire with my cycle and I found out a couple of weeks ago that I am pregnant! :) He is really excited about it even though he didn't want anymore. So my advice is just to keep the faith and what's meant to be will happen.


whathappened - August 27th, 2009 11:01 PM

I have been with my husband for almost seven years. We dated for five, and finally got married. Our past fights have always been about having more children. He has two from a previous marriage (boy 13 and a girl 8) and i have one from my previous marriage (boy 10. Before i moved in he promised me that we would have one more child. Now that I am married to him, he is 100% sure that he will never have another child. I am SO heart broken and devasated i do not know what to do. I love him and don't want to destroy our family but I have so much anger and resentment built up that I don't know if it is even healthy to stay in the marriage. I think about having more children EVERY day, I have tried counseling and that didn't help, I have tried praying but I can't control the hurt in me. I have read this forum and it helps but everything that i read hits home hard. The empty feeling in my stomach, the hurt in my heart. I am at a loss. I really thought that he was my happy ever after, but everyday I am in pain. There are nights that cry myself to sleep quitly because he won't even discuss this issue with me without saying "here we go again". I would have Never had married him if he would have been upfront with me before we got married. I feel that he was selfish and "hoping" that i would think 3 childred was enough. I really would like to try to have a little girl.


Grandpa Viv - August 31st, 2009 1:50 PM

That's hard! Anger and resentment will destroy love!Do you have all three kids in the house, or just your son? Has he been ha__sled by his ex to where he wants to minimize the chance of that ever happening again? Are you willing and in a position to lose the marriage in order to have one more child? You are both in your thirties. It's time to make peace with the world, enjoy the blessings you have, and look forwrd to a brighter tomorrow!


whathappened - September 2nd, 2009 11:07 PM

I am 34, but he is 40. His two kids are with us every other weekend. His divorce with his ex was horrible and he swore that he would never go through that again. I am at a loss, I love him so much but there are nights that I am mean and rude to him. I just get so frustrated because I feel like he lied to me to get me to move in and marry him. He knows that I was ready to walk if he didn't want any more (before I moved in). At that time he promised me, of course, with the hopes that I would change my mind after all three kids were together. I love him but to make the relationship work I need to stop the anger, but I do not know how. I feel so let down. I also know that I would not want to get into another relationship again because I can not have my son adjusting to ANOTHER man in his life. So pretty much children are out of the question. I just don't know if I want to live with the regret and resentment.


jess C - July 10th, 2010 11:04 AM

I feel for all of you. I am in the same boat. When our daughter was 3 years old, I suggested having another baby. He went along with the idea. We were lucky and after 3 months of trying, I was pregnant. But it was a shortlived happiness as I miscarried two months later. However, according to my gynae, it was a case of blighted ovum and no one should be blamed here. My husband was on an overseas posting when I suffered the miscarriage. I was very understanding that he could be home with me. Three months after that, I suggested that we try again. Verbally, he agreed but he did not commit to our "schedule" each month and knowing that he would be away again on his overseas posting, I confronted him one day whether he was really into trying for another baby. That was when he admitted that he had not really put much thought into it and it hurts me so much to hear that. Maybe that was why I miscarried...my poor unborn child's father did not really want to have anything to do with him/her. But again, I was very patient and explained the rationale of having another child...especially for my daughter's sake, a sibling to keep her company. He agreed and promised me that he would not bail out last minute again...or so I thought. He agreed to extend his overseas posting for at least 6 months to 1 year, despite knowing that we had plans for starting a family again. During his final month here with me, he did not fulfill his promise again and bailed out on me. I was in deep hurt and cried myself to sleep each time I think about it. I felt depressed and cheated. I could forgive him for many of his wrongdoings but this time....I really think he has gone too far. What should I do and how should I respond?


sarahd84 - September 18th, 2010 9:33 AM

i know exactly how you feel. i have 2 lovely girls one is 7 and one is nearly 3. we had decided to wit for another until i had done my uni degree (want to be a mid wife) which i would start sept 2011 but over the last few weeks i have had an aching for another and dont want to wait till i finish uni as i will be 32 and as i have pcos it will be increasingly harder to have another the longer i leave it. and i feel delivering babies is just going to make me want one more and more. i have spoken to hubby about this and he just keeps saying not now. and when i try to talk to him about it he just avoids the conversation. i dont know what to do


mamacat - October 6th, 2010 9:00 PM

I realize this post is over a year old but I had to say something. I am 45 yrs old and I desperately want another baby but my husband doesn't. We have an 11 yr old daughter. I have high risk problem pregnancies. As I listen to my biological clock tick away, I become more depressed. 2 yrs ago I had an unplanned pregnancy at 43 while in the midst of working in the most horrible job I have ever had. I was shocked but happy. My husband was not. At 8 wks I miscarried, partly because HE did not the baby (I didn't take my meds which eventually led to the baby's death). I had genetic testing done and found that the baby had Trisomy 18 and 21. I cried for days. My husband did not give a rip. To get to my point, how can ANYONE not want their own child? Sure a surprise pregnancy might be a shock but why should he care? Having a child has NEVER stopped him from living his life the way he has wanted. He travels and does his own thing on the weekends while I am the main childcare provider. So why in the hell should I care whether he wants another when I am the one who is tied down? I do not want my child to be an only child. I am days away from going behind his back and getting pregnant anyway. I'm sure once the baby comes and is healthy, he will be happy about it. Plenty of people have unplanned pregnancies every day and things turn out OK. If the baby isn't healthy, I'll throw the pregnancy like I did before. I'm just going to act like this pregnancy wasn't planned. To hell with what he thinks. He's not the one raising the kid we have now.


RSB2309 - January 8th, 2011 10:38 AM

I really didn't realise how many girls are in my situation!!!

I have two wonderful and gorgeous children, a 4yo boy and a 2yo girl. I knew the day I gave birth to my daughter that I wanted another baby. I have tried talking to my husband numerous times over the past 2 years and each and every time the excuse changes. I am becoming filled with resentment and I know this is not healthy.

I know I was preprogrammed to have three children and I love my kids more than words could possibly say. I have an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach, and something missing from my life. I really don't know what to do but I can't go on feeling like this. Life is way to short to live with regret and you only get one chance at it. How do I convince my Husband that another baby would complete our precious family???


whathappened - January 15th, 2011 7:05 PM

A 1 1/2 later I am still in the same boat, he still says "no", and he doesn't want to talk about it. Why are men so mean about the subject. it frustrates me to high heaven. I don't get how a man says they love you so much and yet they let you live in so much pain??? I hope you can talk your Husband into another child. It's so sad that women are put in this situation. All of us have the empty stomach, pain the hurt, the emptiness and the need to love more children. I know God put me here to work with children (i am a teacher) But its getting harder, because i want a little one of my own. I really miss the early stages of life!! I wish there were easy answers in our situations, but any way you look at it, it's a losing battle. There are no compromises, one of us loses. Usually its the one wanting the baby. Why cant everything just work out or the emptiness just go away? its miserable living this way. and yet he makes me out to be the bad one. I really thought i made myself clear before we got married that I wanted a baby, and yet i am the one who is still waiting. It's not fair.


Ifonly - January 18th, 2011 7:54 PM

After reading all the posts above I had no idea that other people felt the same as I did. I too have 2 beautiful children both via IVF 3 1/2 and almost 6 and for the past 1 1/2 years I have felt such longing for another. I don't even care of the s_x, I have 2 boys and a step daughter who is 18 but she recently moved back to America with her mother. When I had my last baby I had 3 embryo's left in the freezer and I really wanted to try them. I am now 43 but the eggs were taken when I as 39 so the pregnancy if it happened would be for a 39 yo. My husband had a vasectomy and I was ok with this as I thought you know if we are meant to have another baby then the embryo's will work and if they don't then atleast we tried and so be it. But just before Christmas he decided that he really didn't want anymore and we had to pay for the next 6 months of the embryo's storage he decided to donate them to science. Whilst I agreed because I was hoping for closure I felt so devastated and empty, sad everyday and just not enjoying life. I hated my husband but at 43 and 47 I guess it was a big wishful thinking thing anyway. I feel bad because I am so very lucky to have such beautiful children but I don't understand my longing and even knowing it can't never happen still doesn't stop me. I have considered fostering or working with abused kids but I am not sure I have the strength to deal with that. How frustrating is it that all of us feel we have another baby/child in us to love and cherish and you hear of all these beautiful kids being abused. What is that about?? Its hard and finding my way back is really difficult but I am finding that every time I think and feel down, sad I try to focus on the positive, that I have 2 great kids and I have so much to look forward to in watching them grow. And really babies don't stay babies forever, they keep growing so knowing me I would still want more. The hard part is forgiving my husband and getting back on track with him. The other thing I have started to try and do is focus on me and looking a feeling great, big challenge!
Good luck to you all and I hope you find happiness in whatever family dynamics you find yourselves in.


JESS3208 - February 1st, 2011 11:15 AM

We have a family of 4. My husband and I and two beautiful little girls. We thought our family was complete when in early November I found out I was pregnant again. It was a shock and a surprise...but we adjusted. In December I went to the OB and heard the heartbeat and had an ultrasound to confirm the due date. When I heard the "whoosh whoosh" of the rapid tiny little heartbeat in my belly, my eyes filled with tears and I was instantly in love. Everything changed that day and I realized our family wasn't complete. I went in for my 15 week appointment a month later and there was no heartbeat. Our baby had died, my body didn't realize it. My OB scheduled me for a D&C the following Monday. I miscarried at home the night before (a week ago yesterday). I literally have a broken heart. I want a baby so bad it hurts. I have an empty hole inside and I don't think I will ever be able to fill it...until I have another baby. Here is where I relate to your stories...my husband says "no".
The pregnancy we lost wasn't planned he says. He doesn't want to ever go through this again he says. He is grieving, we both are. It is still VERY new and raw. I was given a small timeframe of pure pregnancy bliss...all my thoughts revolved around the new addition to our family...and it is all I can think about! I have two perfect babies already and I am VERY grateful for them....but it makes the loss of my pregnancy that much harder because I KNOW what I have lost. The first time you feel the baby kick and then the months after...when you are never ALONE he's always tossing and turning inside you. Then the day the sweet sweet baby arrives and you hold him and see him for the first time...all the love you already have for your baby is magnified times a thousand. There is no other feeling like it EVER. I don't feel like another baby is something I want....I NEED it. I have no idea how to approach my hubby on this situation. I know the loss for him isn't the same, and how we "deal" with it is very different. I know I need to give us both time to grieve over the loss of our baby before we make any decisions...but the thought of NEVER having another baby is literally crushing me. I just need him to CONSIDER it.


Grandpa Viv - February 2nd, 2011 11:09 AM

Jess, I feel for your loss, and admire your ability to express it. You are both grieving, but in different ways. Please give each other time to adjust and let the memory fade a little. Don't let your anger focus on each other. Lie back and love what you have, and I think in a year you should both be able to return to the subject more rationally. Good luck!


cmk43 - March 1st, 2011 12:21 PM

I'm in almost in the same boat as JESS3208...We are a family of 4, with 2 girls ages 13 and 10. I'm 43 and my spouse just turned 45. I got the surprise news I was pregnant last month (we weren't trying). While shocked, I was very happy about it. But my happiness didn't last long because I miscarried at only 4 weeks. I was surprised just how sad I was, and immediately knew I wanted to try for another one despite my age and other factors. However my husband says he does not. His primary concern is the financial aspect of another child. He acts like we will go broke and be in the poorhouse if we added another mouth to feed. We are a middle-cla__s family and I don't agree with him. I believe that we'd have to make some sacrifices and cut back a bit, but that we would do just fine. The major expense would obviously be childcare, but that would only be for 5 years until the baby would be school age. I've told my husband about my strong feelings and how sad and empty I'd feel if we didn't at least take the chance (who knows if I'd even conceive again) and I can't believe he wouldn't love the baby (surprise pregnancy or not) and all would be well. But I can also see where it could create feelings of resentment on his part if I got pregnant when I want it more than he does. Here's the thing -- he refuses to get a vasectomy, so I kind of feel like if he's going to take chances having unprotected s_x (we've used the "withdrawal" method for the last 10 years) then he needs to be prepared to face the consequences.


Grandpa Viv - March 2nd, 2011 11:44 AM

Sympathy! You are grieving a loss. Please try to find a way to let it go. I remember having the same feelings as your husband, worried about having a child still in college when I hit retirement age. It does not all end with the childcare.


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