My Husband Doesn T Want To Have A Baby But I Do

470 Replies
PinkMomma - July 30

Dear confused... I hope you were able to talk dime sense into your boyfriend. I dint think it's right to abort an Accident when he knows how it happened!! So he will have a 3 month old in a year! It's not like the baby shows up overnight!! I also don't think he's the one for you being he think an oops should just be aborted! Must other things that are an oops must be aborted too??? He needs to get a reality check!! But if it didhappen, I hope you are doing ok. He isn't even gonna begin to understand the effects. It can prevent a woman from having another healthy pregnancy! Abortions are awful on both mom and baby. Sooo sad =(

 

lonely_soul - August 5

Hi to all the ladies... LISTEN, carefully consider talking to your husband about having a baby. If a MAN is not sure about having a baby b/c of his financial situation or his mental confusion, DO NOT force him or irritate him constantly about having a baby, b/c it will work out against all of you women. Give your man some time to think about it on HIS own, if he's ready at some point, he will come around, if he's NOT, then you'll have to accept your fate and decide to either live with him w/o kids, or possibly think about adoption. But, please DO NOT force a man into getting pregnant, b/c if things don't work out when you do get pregnant, and have his baby, then you'll regret it even more that you forced him into getting pregnant. Enjoy the married bliss with your partner, consider all options (financial, mental, physical labor, taking care of the baby, and the whole experience of become a parent). Having a baby isn't as easy as it looks, I know, I'm a mother of two kids, but boy O boy were they expensive... Anyway, talk to your man, but let him come around on his own, MEN are just built that way, the more you force them, the more they run away. And if you do try to trick them, then it will come back to haunt you in the long run. Ask yourself, do you want to be LEFT ALONE after you get pregnant? Do you want to take care of the baby all on your own? Do you want your spouse to go behind your back and cheat on you, b/c you keep nagging him about the baby? Consider all options, but remember NOT to force a man. God bless.

 

parisforever - August 26

ps im 26 and it doesnt help i work in a nursery. i have considered leaving it for an office job, if it helps. but i love working with children. any advice appreciated. i was all set to do a midwifery course 2 years ago but when i found out abt the fertility issues i decided to leave it as pain at the time was too raw as i found out 2 weeks before i was due to start. life seems too cruel.

 

lessonslearned - September 12

tets

 

lessonslearned - September 12

Please don't wait too long. My husband has been telling me this for years. Now I am almost 40 and I regret being patient. He still feels financially unstable even though he makes a lot of money and has enough money to buy a sports car. I recommend putting time limits on the situation. It is hard to think in this way, but in the end you are responsible for your own hapiness.

 

Jenna14 - October 15

Thank you all for the honesty in this forum. I found it particularly comforting reading some of the earlier posts from 2005/06, and to hear the opinions from some of the men posting here. Sometimes it drives me crazy that something so simple has to become so complicated. People who don't experience this situation can't always appreciate the juggling of emotions that goes on for both parties. Just one word of warning - it does not necessarily get easier when your husband or partner finally agrees to try. It was many years before my husband finally got to a place where we stopped using contraception, and when we did, I got pregnant after trying for several months. I then miscarried in the first trimester. I don't know if it has put us back, or just put us on a different tack. I'm trying to be brave about it, and he has gone back to using contraception. It's early days, and I hope in the long term we can get back to where we were, and try again together. I am trying to be a balanced person, and not let the emotions rule me, but I am mid-30s and they are very powerful emotions. I know I love my husband, and would never dream of having a child with someone I did not love, but how, when I am overrun with intense chemicals telling me to make a baby, do I explain to my husband that I don't just see him as a sperm factory? I am trying to use every bit of common sense I have, but it is exhausting and draining sometimes, and I don't want to push it all onto my close family, who are the only people who have any idea what I've been through in the past few months, and who also find it upsetting. So, thank you for listening. It's a relief to find a space amongst strangers where I can be honest. All the best to all of you fighting your own battles, and please try to be brave and do the right thing for the sake of yourselves, your loved ones, and the children that may follow.

 

Grandpa Viv - October 15

There are for sure some guys whose personality is so into security, lifestyle, and limited responsibility, that the idea of starting a family is never acceptable. Some get to the stage where we say, 'that has worked for me for a long time, but now I want to slow down and I guess family would be OK.' At that moment comes a secondary worry of 'are we too old to reproduce successfully and do I want to have a kid in college when I am retired already?' Wonder out loud what life is all about, and what mark you as indiviuals hope to leave on this earth once you depart. Look at the old people in your own families, and wonder what are the small pleasures of their declining years. These are trains of thought that can lead to starting a family. A woman really needs to resolve this issue with her spouse by her mid thirties. Any later, the process becomes more chancy. Good luck!

 

want_a_baby - October 28

omg, i feel the same. i am 27, my husband 28. he feels that it is too early for us to have child, but i am so ready for the baby. i m bored being out with girlfriends, bored to go for silly gossips and i feel lonely when home. we have good s_x all the time, we have fun in our marriage. we spoke about having a child, but he will find every excuse not to have it. either it is money (that we have enough, but he says we don't), or it is just "early". we are three years together. i feel so worthless and i am thinking only babies. i have started educating myself about births and stuff like that.. plus, there are 4 friends of mine that got babies or expecting them! and i feel so jealous!! horrible feeling.

 

maky - November 19

I can't believe this! What kind of men they are? This is part of their work as husbands. What they do is a sin, that affects not only wife but all society. Next to this, there is simply no respect in this relationship, it based only on selfishness and pleasure, here wife is treated as object. A woman should not face this, even if agreed before marriage, please pray for them.

 

sophieterese - November 24

please divorce this man. I am the poster child for why not to stay with someone like this. I am 40 years old. I don't have any children. I'm attractive but my husband of 12 years has only had s_x with me once in our ENTIRE marriage...please spare yourself the heartache and mental trauma this has caused me...and now I want a baby..and it will be very hard to find a good man. This man is not going to change. The only person you can change in your life is yourself. Please don't waste your time on him. I wish I hadn't. It is my only regret...that i didn't end this hell sooner.

 

Sunflower83 - January 4

This forum has helped cheer me up a little bit. My situation is this: I am 28 this year, my husband will be 29. We've been together nearly 7 years, married 4 this summer. We discussed having children few years after we got married. Well, it's that time and my husband will not talk about it. Oh, he'll go into great lengths talking about anything under the sun, but not kids. "I'm thinking 20 years down the road, we can do xyz to the house." Anyway, he's always known that I've had fertility issues (endometriosis, about stage 2 right now) and I've been taking birth control pills for 9 years now. It is getting worse but my husband still refuses to even TALK about having a baby, let alone actually having one. He cites the usual reasons about being worried about raising it and finances, etc. but he still says he wants one. What upsets me is that even though he talked to my gynecologist and she basically said, "You should really start thinking about having a baby now, her pain is increasing and she'll have a tough time later on getting pregnant," but it didn't sway him one bit. I've thought this whole time that I've been selfish and needy, I mean, he has a right to change his mind, right? Well, now I feel like I shouldn't be denied my right either, especially since my health is in jeopardy. My grandmother had a hysterectomy in her 20s and two cousins were left sterile with endo. If I try to talk to my husband, he just completely shuts down and ignores me for the night, and I don't even throw a temper tantrum trying to get my way. I'm getting ready to throw in the towel and be with someone who cares not only about what I want, but my well-being too. He even has his guy friends asking him what his problem is and when he's going to have a family, and that's from no prompting on my part. I've prayed very hard, I've talked to the priest and my church and my next step is seeing a therapist.

 

Sunflower83 - January 4

I'm sorry if this double posts, the page come up saying site not available after I clicked the comment b___ton. This forum has helped cheer me up a little bit. My situation is this: I am 28 this year, my husband will be 29. We've been together nearly 7 years, married 4 this summer. We discussed having children few years after we got married. Well, it's that time and my husband will not talk about it. Oh, he'll go into great lengths talking about anything under the sun, but not kids. "I'm thinking 20 years down the road, we can do xyz to the house." Anyway, he's always known that I've had fertility issues (endometriosis, about stage 2 right now) and I've been taking birth control pills for 9 years now. It is getting worse but my husband still refuses to even TALK about having a baby, let alone actually having one. He cites the usual reasons about being worried about raising it and finances, etc. but he still says he wants one. What upsets me is that even though he talked to my gynecologist and she basically said, "You should really start thinking about having a baby now, her pain is increasing and she'll have a tough time later on getting pregnant," but it didn't sway him one bit. I've thought this whole time that I've been selfish and needy, I mean, he has a right to change his mind, right? Well, now I feel like I shouldn't be denied my right either, especially since my health is in jeopardy. My grandmother had a hysterectomy in her 20s and two cousins were left sterile with endo. If I try to talk to my husband, he just completely shuts down and ignores me for the night, and I don't even throw a temper tantrum trying to get my way. I'm getting ready to throw in the towel and be with someone who cares not only about what I want, but my well-being too. He even has his guy friends asking him what his problem is and when he's going to have a family, and that's from no prompting on my part. I've prayed very hard, I've talked to the priest and my church and my next step is seeing a therapist.

 

patient32 - January 6

I guess I could change my name to patient 33 now, but I am writing this post to offer hope. This forum was so very helpful to me last year when i was at my wit's end dealing with this issue. Since then the tune has changed a wee bit. If you read my previous posts you will see that the after 2 years of marriage, me the age of 32 and my husband the age of 36 the issue of NOT having a baby was creating a huge burden in our marriage. I took the approach of laying off the subject for a while and giving him some time to think. He didn't need me bringing it up daily or weekly as he already knew my desire to have a child so I just quit bringing it up..trust me it was no easy task. After some time had pa__sed I brought it up again very nonconfrontational... and he as usual went immediately to the negative. I then asked him to make a pro/cons list regarding having a baby. I said take a few weeks and we'll revisit the topic and you can share the list with me. In the meantime he had lunch with a friend and the subject came up with his friend (a single dad of 3 small children). The friend proceeded to tell my hubby...not to make the list bc no matter what he put on there I was gonna try to flip into a positive (which would have been true)he said "look either you want to have a baby or you don't....either way is fine. But if you decide you don't want to have a baby get a divorce now, because your marriage will not be able to survive. I don't care how strong it is." My hubby came home and actually told me about this conversation and I said he's probably right. We had a long hug and we both had tears in our eyes and agreed we didn't want our marriage to end. A few weeks later on a lazy sunday...I asked if we could talk about it again. We discussed the topic and he agreed that he would give me a baby bc he knows how much it means to me. He saw it as take a rish and have a baby and he be proven wrong...that babies really aren't that horrible and change your life for the better or end in divorce. He said he will always be scared But that he would rather risk that than risk not having a baby and knowing 100% that the marriage was over. We agreed on a timeline of when to start trying which would be spring of 2011. Since that conversation things are so great between us. The big elephant in the room has disappeared. We've discussed it since then and he knows it is almost time to start trying. When we toasted New Years we even made a toast to making a baby in 2011. So there's hope...I'll keep you posted if this story really does have a happy ending this spring. but I know my man and he just needs a lot of time to process and think about life changing events...staying hopeful just as I wish you all.

 

jolynn1977 - January 6

Patient32, that gives me loads of hope. I just went through a terrible experience. Let me give you the background. Been with my hubby for 10 yrs, married over 6 yrs, I'm 33 and he's 30. I have an 11 yr old son (do the math, previous relationship). He has been a wonderful father to my son (real dads a deadbeat and a thorn in our side). When we got married we agreed we would have another child once we built our house. In house for 3 yrs now. We kinda went away from the subject and agreed we didn't want anymore kids. I felt like my son was growing up and getting more self sufficient. I truly didn't think I wanted another child. But we had agreed of course if it were to happen then we would gladly accept this gift from God. Well in Dec I missed AF, (I missed a couple BCP's, really...oops) we thought for sure I was pregnant, ooohhh how the feelings overwhelmed and consumed me. I kept taking HPT's, all negative....i was totally confused b/c i sure felt some early pregnancy symptoms. I went to the doc, had a transv____al ultrasound done, i have "simple" ovarian cysts (oddly enough, same symptoms as pregnancy). Not a serious condition. Now that he knows I'm not pregnant he doesn't want to try. I want to try b/c I prepared my heart for a baby, I didn't know it was going to effect me in this way. I'm totally depressed and wonder if I'll ever smile again. He is sympathetic and after many tears has agreed to re-visit the subject down the road. Imagine thinking you're pregnant for three weeks, then finding out your not, then having that conversation with your husband the day you found out you weren't! I'm a mess right now, I just want to crawl into a corner and cry forever. Best of luck to you all, hopefully he'll come around and so will all of your hubby's.

 

wanting32 - February 6

I guess I just need to get this off my chest more than anything else (it's rather embarrasing and not something I can talk about with just anyone). My husband and I have been married for two years and together for 4 1/2 years. Since the day we started dating we have talked of having kids. However my husband is so scared to get me pregnant he will not have s_x with me. Sure we get intimate but it always ends with me giving him hand jobs and me not getting anything. He knows he is being selfish but he cannot get over his fear of getting me pregnant. We made progress a month ago but guess what the condom broke (however he was excited at the possibility of me being pregnant or made me believe he was) so needless to say we are back to square one. I am at my wits end with his "when we have children" comments yet he won't do anything about it. I am getting really depressed as I thought having children was something we would start on after getting married. He is really a great guy but I cannot help but feel maybe I am just around as a cook, housekeeper and paycheck. Can anyone out there give me some suggestions on how to get my husband to overcome his fear?

 

Grandpa Viv - February 6

How frustrating, wanting32! A four year relationship and still no complete s_xual intimacy? This calls for counseling, if you can afford it. Is it possible he is frightened of STIs, giving or getting? Have you talked privately with his mom to see what hang-ups he might have? If it is a child you want more than full s_x, next time you get a handful on your most fertile day (13 of 28) just ask him if it is OK if you put it where it is supposed to go. Sperm on the moist part of your v____a have a fair chance of finding their way home. Can you straddle him and have outercourse to get sperm there - he may not realize that pregnancy can occur that way. GL!

 

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