My Husband Doesn T Want To Have A Baby But I Do

471 Replies
Grandpa Viv - February 6

How frustrating, wanting32! A four year relationship and still no complete s_xual intimacy? This calls for counseling, if you can afford it. Is it possible he is frightened of STIs, giving or getting? Have you talked privately with his mom to see what hang-ups he might have? If it is a child you want more than full s_x, next time you get a handful on your most fertile day (13 of 28) just ask him if it is OK if you put it where it is supposed to go. Sperm on the moist part of your v____a have a fair chance of finding their way home. Can you straddle him and have outercourse to get sperm there - he may not realize that pregnancy can occur that way. GL!

 

clarabell - February 14

to Domi- read your post a really can relate. its just the most awful desperate situation and there are so many of us feeling the same. I have been married for 4 and half years and like many on here i love my husband and we have a very good relationship - except when it comes to having kids. We are now both well into my mid 30's and time is ticking along with my biological clock which is one of the most cruel things ever! I have been trying to talk to him about having a child for the last year and half or so and I am becoming increasingly desperate for a family of our own especially as we are getting old! i cant imagine not having one and I am more and more feeling like there is such a gap in our relationship now - we are past the going out week in week out getting drunk etc. However he tries to listen and I try to explain just how desperate I will feel if he choses for both us that we are not having a family - especially as he already has a daughter which i ave to play happy families with every weekend which is becoming more and more impossible for me to cope with. He did confess that he panics about making the wrong choice and decided we should try and mad me stop taking the pill i was so completely excited!!!! this lasted less than a week when he withdrew could barely talk to me and eventually confessed its not what he wants he doesnt want any more kids and i should just learn to make the most of having his child around. So i am left here trying to be patient with him and repect that he might not ever want a child with me I would never force him or trick himinto it. I am hoping I can be the bigger person and repsect his wishes and just be happy with the marriage we have together but I am really terrified that I am not that amazing a person for it not to eat me up and resent him for it eventually.

 

nanner - February 19

I want to start off by saying that I love my husband very much. We have a great relationship and we value our life together. However, we have a huge disagreement that I'm concerned will ultimately end our marriage. I want a baby so bad it's all I think about and my husband is quite sure he does not. Not only that, he is a very private person and insists this issue be kept between us. He would be angry if I were to discuss this with anyone we know, so here I am; talking with strangers online! We have had discussions about starting a family. I will credit him with being remorseful in his feelings and has listened to me intently on why I need a child. After each discussion, we agree to revisit it after a particular mile-marker, ie after college, purchase a home, pay off such and such loan(s). But after each mile marker is hit, it seems he finds another. Even though I am on the pill (and have no intention of discontinuing without my husbands support), I constantly hope it will fail. I pray that each month my period won't come and find myself very disappointed when it does. I'm certain my husband would make a wonderful father. I just don't know how to convince him without being pushy. We are both 27 and I don't want to be an older mom. I'm trying to hard to be patient, but each day I feel more and more like I'm missing something. My heart actually aches.

 

changing34 - March 26

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changing34 - March 26

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ells mum - April 3

I have been looking for this type of forum for a long time and very much appreciate the advice from Grandpa Viv. My story is a cautionary one. I met my husband at 34 but no child until 41, initially because he wanted to "wait" and then we found he was infertile. I then realised that as I am a single child and due to my husband's circ_mstances, my child has no extended family whatsoever. So at 42 I asked him to have another child so that she will have some family when we grow older. The answer was always no. I have asked on and off for 4 years and hoped for a miracle that never happened. I gave up for a while as I was getting too old, but now there have been so many older mothers who have used donor eggs etc, it is still not too late. I drew up a contract to be signed by a lawyer absolving him of any responsibility for the child. The answer was no. His excuses are many - hes too old, he does not want to support a child when he has retired, he does not want a non-biological child, he does not want to lose sleep with a baby in the house - the excuses change as time progresses. I either go forward as a single parent or stay in an unsatisfactory marriage. My advice to women in their 30s is to think carefully about whether you should stay with a man who wants to "wait" for an extended period of time. I now suspect that there is often deep seated psychodynamic issues in these situations that remains either unspoken or unrecognised. My own husband was subject to extraordinarily harsh discipline before the age of 5 by well meaning parents that however bordered on physical abuse. I believe that is playing a part now. You may think you are still young, but the reality is that time will run out sooner than you think. I wish you all good fortune.

 

Dajavoux - May 2

What is the better decsion? I have a beautiful 3 1/2 son with my husand. We are a winter summer relationship. I am 32 he is 51. He does not want anymore childern I would like to have one more. The resentment I am harbouring is so strong it is ruining our relationship. Do I seperate our family? Or do I find acceptance? Should I be grateful for the beautiful family I have? It seems so cheap to just leave to find someone else to have another child with. Advice? Thank You

 

Dajavoux - May 2

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Grandpa Viv - May 3

Deja, the prospect of having a child to put through college when you are in your seventies is enough to put any man into a cold sweat. Are you on an executive career track that lets you a__sure him of a comfortable retirement? What kind of shape is your IRA in, and his? He will likely be departed by the time you reach retirement - then what? Maybe that is motivation for you to have another child, since your children and grandchildren will be the focus of your life. On balanve, my counsel is to shelve your resentment. There are needy kids in your neighborhood who would benefit from seeing how a happy family works. Do a little outreach! GL!

 

OneNDone - May 28

I am new to this forum...any forum for that matter. I am 35 my husband is 38 and we have a beautiful 3 1/2 year old little girl. I am blessed and everyday thankful for both of the loves in my life...there is a BUT...but I want another child and my hubby doesn't. I am beside myself...feeling so overwhelmed with saddness I sometimes wonder if I am depressed. What is my purpose if my dream is shattered by someone else?? We talked about children before we got married and he said he too wanted kids (plural). If the answer would have been anything other...we wouldn't have gotten married. So for the last 2 years we...I mean "I" have wanted another baby. I have been trying so hard to be ok with the family that I have been given...but I constantly feel like we are missing someone. My daughter has even said to me that she wishes she had a baby sister or brother. She told me this while she was on the potty of all places! LOL! She is attracted to all babies like a moth to a flame (as am I). It doesn't help either of us that everyone around us is having babies. I literally can rattle off the names of 12 pregnant women. Ugh! They are ALL getting what I so deeply desire. My huby said that he gave it try with my daughter and everything that comes with having a baby he doesn't want to go through again. I felt like the past two years maybe I hadn't been communicating exactly HOW MUCH I WANTED another child...so we had the talk "again" and he got my drift this time...alot of pent up emotions led to me bauling my eyes out. He didn't budge. Crazy things have started popping into my head like...if I leave him I'd still have time to find someone and have the family I've always dreamed of...but I quickly come back to the reality of what that would entail...every other weekend with my daughter because of visitation arrangements etc...losing that much time with her isn't an option...besides I love my hubby to pieces...BUT the strain this has put on our marriage is sad. I feel the sheer joy of him saying yes to having another baby rather then the sheer sorrow I feel everyday would be life changing for me and for my family. I'd be a better wife/mom by not being so distracted by wanting #2. I know I am not wrong for wanting another baby...and he isn't wrong either...but will my feeliings ever go away...or will I take this regret all the way to my grave?? Will I spend every holiday wishing there were two kids opening presents...in pictures...dreams of kids playing, fighting, hanging out together, having each other and being there for them. How do I live with the decision to have one and done?? I think the resentment will always be there. We've been to counseling...maybe we need to go back?

 

Grandpa Viv - May 28

OneDone, For some reason I am wondering if your man is as committed to the relationship as you are. Could his reluctance stem from the fear of having to pay child support for two children at some future date?

 

bjones - July 10

Hello everyone. This is new to me (posting on forums) but I found it a real eye opener to hear from women with similar experiences to myself. I'm 31, my partner is 38, we have been together for 6.5 years. We have always talked about starting a family one day but in all honesty, my boyfriend has never really taken well to the topic of children. I talked to him about wanting to start having a family last Xmas and it resulted in a full scale argument, because he didn't feel that his job was stable enough for us to start thinking about a family. So since then, I have him some space and got with the start of the year. All of a sudden, I have an overwhelming desire to have a baby. This has increased even more because everyone around me is now having a baby. Even his best freind, who we never thought would 'settle down' is now expecting with his girlfriend. And this sent me into a state of panick! So the last few weeks I told my partner I would be coming off the pill. The immediate reaction was well we will have to use condoms because I'm not going to get you pregnant this year. We talked quite openly and honestly at this point and he told me that, until his job is safe, he doesn't want the additional stress! Ok, so I sympathise and have taken this on board. I asked him for a reasonable timetable to which he replied, 'if things are ok in Feb next year, then we will start trying'. That gives me more than 6 months to wait, which is really driving me crazy. I burst into the tears at the thought of not having a child until 2013 at the earliest! I keep telling him that it might take us years to conceive. He laughs when I tell him this and promised me it won't. But how can he be so sure? What happens if we reach February, and he wants to wait another 6 months? I feel like I'm putting my life on hold! I'm really hoping that as the months pa__s I can talk him into not using contraception but I'm really worried he won't go for this. I'm terrified that it is going to take us years to conceive!! Is it best to let the dust settle and give him space he obviously needs to consider how this is making me feel?? xxxx

 

bams - July 20

I can honestly say this is something I never thought I would do. I need help and support from somewhere. I have been marreid to my husband for 6 years and we have been together for 12 years. We talked about having kids before we got married and we talked about having one child. Now I am 32 and he is 36 and he has decided he doesn't think he wants kids (because of the rough childhood he had, freedom and selfishness). He says he told me that before but I don't remember ever having that conversation. I have always wanted to be a mother and share my life with my husband and a child that is part of both of us. Now I don't know if I will ever have that. We have talked many times and sometimes he leads me to think he wants a child and other times he says he doesn't. It was funny to read some of the earlier posts today because some of the reasons that other men were giving are exactly what he was saying. I am a teacher and it was that we would wait until I had a job and got my tenure. I got it a few months ago, then it was he wasn't sure about money, or that he didn't want to be 55 and putting a kid through college. He asks me why I want a child and I tell him what is in my heart and he said he doesn't deal in feelings and I know that. I told him that I would rather be with him and have no child than to be without him and have a child. He said I have put him in a no win situation. That if we dont' have a child I will resent him. I told him no but I am not so sure. Every time someone around me talks about babies or children or I see a baby commerical or show on tv I feel like my heart is being ripped out and I start to cry. I lay in bed at night and cry myself to sleep. I read the posts about giving it time and letting him come to it on his own so I have decided I will try that. I am not sure what will happen but I know that I need to figure out what to do and how to deal with this now. I am on birth control and we talked about me stopping until last night now it looks like I won't be coming off it any time soon. I also came off other medicaitons about 3 months ago figuring we would start trying (we had talked about it). I would never come off the birth control and trick him into anything but we hardly have s_x anymore but all I do is hope to get pregant when we do. I know it sounds horrible but I don't know what else to do. I do love him!!

 

bams - July 22

I didn't see anyone ever post to tell if there husbands changed thier minds or how the women deal if they don't change their minds.

 

feelingsad - August 16

Hi all, firstly i wanted to say thanks to you all for posting on this forum as its really helped me deal with some of my obsessive desperate feelings, i am 33 my husband is 43 we have 2 boys aged 7 & 9 and of course i know how lucky i am to have them after reading some of the posts on here! anyway after my second child we agreed that i would have another child when i had finished training to become a midwife if we could financially afford it etc... 3 years on from qualifying i thought this would be a good time to try for a baby however 4 weeks ago i found out that my husband had a vasectomy 6 months ago behind my back ( I had no idea he said he had an injury at work and i believed him!), to say i am devastated is an understatement! not only do i have huge trust issues, anger and shock i also cant believe that the doctors agreed to do it without my knowledge! after the initial shock i decided that to move on (I love him and dont want to tear my family apart) we should emmigrate to australia (its always been on the cards) as i needed something fresh to focus on and think a move will help to heal the damage he has caused to our marriage, because of this he said that if i was willing to move countries for him/us he would get the vasectomy reversed out of respect for me etc..., so although still devastated i could see a great future for us. Anyway tonight after a huge arguement (i went to the docs to get some counselling as i cant get over the behind my back issue) my husband has informed me that he will not be getting the reversal done and thinks that i should know this before we move, he feels he is too old and finds fatherhood holds him back and that he is not a great father so here i am again totally gutted and torn apart, i hate the way my happiness is decided by him and he changes it so often, the vasectomy has not just emotionally killed me but it has had a huge impact on the s_xual feelings i had towards him, i just feel that even if we never have another baby together i just want him to be put right again. I wanted to share my thoughts on here as i cant tell anyone about this as i feel a total idiot and really humiliated and know how bad it makes my marriage look, he said he went behind my back because he thought i would stop it as i work as a midwife not because he wanted to hurt me, all marriages have ups and downs but i thought mine was generally a good one but here i am wondering what to do and what other peoples views are, i know its easy to say leave him but i have soo much more to lose, i hope i can bury these feelings of desperately wanting another child when i know it cant happen, i wish they had talked to him more before the vasectomy because when they took his fertility away they also took mine!

 

natbug92 - August 19

I too am 36 will be 37 next month been married 14yrs when we got married me and my husband both wanted a family after the first 3yrs he changed and refuses to even discuss it, I have wanted a baby all my life and yes I hear the clock ticking he is 38 rules the roost and I have no say in anything, We recently became god parents and for the last yr and a half I have seen him just fall in love with her and would do anything for her yet he still refuses to talk about us having one of our own we haven't had s_x in 5yrs and he shows no interest in me at all and yesterday I finally got him to tell me if we are ever going to have a family he finally answered me with an adament NO and refuses to tell me why. He wont even discuss it or at least let me hear why. I feel he lied to me when we got married, we both wanted the same things and he cared about my feelings know its his way and no ifs ands or buts, he said stop talking were done I am not going to discuss this anymore. I am soo brokin hearted and mad as hell I don't know what to do. I cant believe he is doing this to me I may be able to handle it if he at least sat down with me and talked to me like adults and told me why, maybe we could compromise heck he wont even talk about adoption, I need help ladies what do I do?

 

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