My Husband Doesn T Want To Have A Baby But I Do

471 Replies
natbug92 - August 19

I too am 36 will be 37 next month been married 14yrs when we got married me and my husband both wanted a family after the first 3yrs he changed and refuses to even discuss it, I have wanted a baby all my life and yes I hear the clock ticking he is 38 rules the roost and I have no say in anything, We recently became god parents and for the last yr and a half I have seen him just fall in love with her and would do anything for her yet he still refuses to talk about us having one of our own we haven't had s_x in 5yrs and he shows no interest in me at all and yesterday I finally got him to tell me if we are ever going to have a family he finally answered me with an adament NO and refuses to tell me why. He wont even discuss it or at least let me hear why. I feel he lied to me when we got married, we both wanted the same things and he cared about my feelings know its his way and no ifs ands or buts, he said stop talking were done I am not going to discuss this anymore. I am soo brokin hearted and mad as hell I don't know what to do. I cant believe he is doing this to me I may be able to handle it if he at least sat down with me and talked to me like adults and told me why, maybe we could compromise heck he wont even talk about adoption, I need help ladies what do I do?

 

ub1015 - August 22

How about thinking with your brain instead of genetic impulses? I mean is your life so totally meaningless that the only way to enhance it is to pop yet another child into the world? If you married just to have children and are so insipid and shallow that if you don't get your own way you'd be happy to divorce him? I mean what do you think a man is? a Turkey baster ? Why can't some girls actually be mature and say no instead of pestering the partner into submission. I'm not going be a slave to a primative genetic impulse that i must replicate myself. ....And forgive me if i slap the next doctor who gets a woman into a panic saying if you don't do it now it'll be too late. It's like the having a home shopping presenter with you in a small room saying'yes you can have this set of Ginsu knives for $49.95, but only if you ring now. We only have limited stock available, and once it's gone it's gone". My point is.... Be happy with what you have. If you have a great relationship, why can't you be happy with that? Why jump into something that ruin that? Or ruin it by being fixated on something that one of you wants? Hell- i'd love a Ferrari, and i'll always wish i had one but (even though it would be cheaper than raising a child), i'm not going to push this on my partner as the be all and end all.

 

rosalie_18 - September 14

ugh. if he doesn't want a baby then just let it be! i know it sucks for you, but it would suck so much more for him if you'd be pregnant. i can totally understand him...i hate women who try everything necessary just to get pregnant, i mean how desperate is that? just imagine, you're pregnant, fat, annoying and he won't be attracted to you anymore and then women always complain about their partners looking after other hot young girls...is that what you really want? ...sometimes i feel really sorry for men, no wonder most of them break up

 

Pleasepreg - September 16

I'm sorry the last 2 posters took it upon themselves to slap broody women around the head. Why are you even on this forum? Sorry, but for some women there is just that real longing and if a man said they wanted the same thing and then turned around a year or so down the line and said they didn't and never did, you would feel so betrayed and clearly he does NOT love you enough to be straight with you. Especially the woman whose husband had a vasectomy BEHIND HER BACK! My husband said from day one he also wanted a child, but I didn't want to straight away and when I did 3 years later, he wasn't ready. Then the economy collapsed and he said the world is too financially unstable. Last year I told him he is not get any younger and I am concerned for him more than me that the later we start trying, the harder it will be and the older a father he will be. It wasn't a case of making an ultimatum, he has said all along he wanted a child and has never backed down on that statement (I've asked many times). Finally I said I was coming off the Pill, he was fine with that. Then I found out about OPKs, so I bought a pack of sticks. I said I'd let him know. I did, and he was happy to go. And now we are actually trying for a baby. He still goes on about the economic climate, but he has a very good job and I have a steady one, though not amazing pay. I said people on much less than us manage and we will too. Our 8th anniversary is this month, so it's taken me this long to bring him around, but his finally there. I was never going to trick him and I don't want to leave him, but it's something to consider when you have a biological clock, which has nothing to do with wanting material goods, FFS!

 

Pleasepreg - September 16

Rosalie, you need to grow up! "just imagine, you're pregnant, fat, annoying and he won't be attracted to you anymore and then women always complain about their partners looking after other hot young girls" Clearly these men never loved their wives in the first place.

 

Emmitska - September 16

I'm surprised to have found this forum with so many women in a similar situation as mine. I guess I was just typing the wrong words in Google. I was always referring to my age (31), when in fact the problem is somewhere else... Here is my story. We got married at 24 (he is just three months older than me). We both spent the next years finishing our Masters Degrees. In the meantime, we travelled each year to Europe to go visit our families and reunite with a lifestyle that we prefer. Anyway, after eight years, we have been going through a lot together, such as: dealing with our different cultural background in a country foreign to both of us, dealing with his parents recent divorce, his loss of job, my sister's cancer, his grand-father's death, etc. As a common agreement, we decided to start therapy a couple of years ago. It has helped a lot. We could be one of those stories, that you don't hear a lot about, of successful couples' therapy... Anyway, in a recent breakthrough at therapy, my husband finally felt comfortable talking about his depression. This has helped him a lot and me as well of course. I can now relax a little bit on certain things. He has made a tremendous effort when he had a talk with me two weeks ago about things he needed in order to be better. As an act of love he even offered me my freedom (in a form of a separation) explaining that his heart was all broken thinking he was asking me the following: not talk about moving back to Europe for now, not talk about having babies for now, not talk about any big life changing events. He explained that a separation was his last wish but he was also aching knowing what he is putting me through by asking me to "let go" for now. He knows I want kids, I know he wanted kids as well in a not so far away past. Somewhere down the road of all the crazy stuff (some obvious events and some less obvious events or baggage) that happened to him/me/us, he got lost. I think he still wants to have kids and is able to formulate that as well when he is able to relax and feels comfortable. He has told me that he wishes I would let him find his way back into wanting those things again on his own. The way he was saying all this was actually really sweet. I could tell he had been thinking about it for a while, which was also very sweet. I can see how some people would read this between the lines and show that he is manipulative. But at this point you'll just have to trust me that he is not. And I am not saying that to convince myself. I admit that it helps even to write this blurb on this forum, but I really believe that I feel for him. I probably don't understand his depression and all the guy stuff that's attached to it, but I really really respect him. Here comes my advice for women that might be in a very similar situation. I have my moments of dispair. I never wanted to be a soccer mom, ever! I sometimes formulate reasons for wanting a child that other women usually don't relate too. Because it is actually hard to explain, they often times understand that I am actually saying that I do not want children. Anyway, I never wanted to nag about having kids or to seem "clingy" whatsoever. My logical desire to have a kid is very personal, intimate and giving. I also want to adopt a kid from my husband's home country. That's just a profound desire I have to help an existing kid. Anyway, that's until my clock kicked in... apparently. For the past 6 months maybe, I think about having a kid as many times a day as a guy is said to think about s_x, that is every 2 minutes. I'm not exaggerating... It's exhausting. I cannot explain it otherwise than with the actual biological clock. The fact remains that I want my husband to find his path back but I am also dealing with a consistant burning desire to conceive. It's not easy at all, everyday. My husband is not really the first person to be able to help me with this, that goes without saying. I sometimes think about resentment, but I am more fearful of it than actually feeling it. I know I still have some time (come on, really), but I also feel pressure from all sides (my family, society, science). I absolutely love my husband and we made a pact that we will solve this together. I think that is a really hopeful and generous message. I want to give him what he needs but also admit that I can only do what I can. I might consider seeing a counselor on my own to help me with that. Even though my husband had admitted earlier that the idea of going to see someone for his depression made his b___s shrink (funny play of words... :) ), he recently said that he thinks it might help him after all. So we might end up stopping couples sessions and each go on our own. I'm kind of proud of that actually even though it feels scary... The overall conclusion is that my husband and I seem to be in this together and wanting to find bliss together no matter what (unless we fall out of love as we agreed, but that's not the case at all). I think we are both struggling with the everyday obstacles. Getting help in any shape or form doesn't mean anything is wrong with you (seriously, have you seen the World these days?). One thing I would like to mention is that I cannot wait for that day when both me and my sweet husband will be ready to conceive. How beautiful will that be! I think that beats any current hiccup and gives me a lot of strength in the meantime. I want to share with my husband this desire so bad that I cannot imagine cutting corners and ruining it for him. Think about this ladies.

 

Pleasepreg - September 18

Well, as posted in another part of the forum, I am pregnant and my hubby is over-joyed.

 

feelinglost - February 25

I have the same problem. My husband is 45 and I'm 29. We have been in marriage for 5 years. I really want to have a baby but he doesn't. I might get divorce because of this. Nobody wants it; however, it's the best way for us. I'm so frustrated. We have no s_x at all. Please give me some advise.

 

feelinglost - February 25

I have the same problem. My husband is 45 and I'm 29. We have been in marriage for 5 years. I really want to have a baby but he doesn't. I might get divorce because of this. Nobody wants it; however, it's the best way for us. I'm so frustrated. We have no s_x at all. Please give me some advise.

 

Loralei - March 31

I have the same problem, except we are both 44. My husband said he would have kids before we got married, & now he doesn't. I stopped taking the pill & he said if it happens, it happens. I've been monitoring my cycle and each time I'm ovulating, it seems like he doesn't want to have s_x. It's as if he's trying to prevent me from having something that I want more than anything in the world. Sometimes I wish I could divorce him.

 

Jasmine88 - March 31

I had s_x on the 17th & 20th of this month (march 2012) without using a condom, he just pulled out..my fertile days was from march 17th until the 21st..my period is due on April 1st or 2nd ..on march 27th i started experiencing cramps like i wast about to start my period (which usually doesn't happen until a day or 2 before my period) as well as nipple soreness (which again doesn't happen until 1 or 2 days before my period & only happened a couple times & doesn't last longer then a day) i took a 1st response pregnancy test in the morning on the 29th it came out negative..its now the 31st & its been 4 days since the cramps & nipple soreness started & i am still experiencing them, but now I am having pain in my lower belly like under my belly b___ton (it feels like a shooting sharp pain or like i pulled a muscle but it doesn't last long) my cramps is getting a little stronger & my nipple soreness is easing up a tad bit but still sore, i also took the same brand pregnancy test today (the 31st) & it was negative again but later on in the day i notice a little light pink blood (which i never experience before) So is this implantation bleeding? or its just my period about to start up? did i test too early since they say the hcg hormone doesn't show up until after implantation?...PLEASE ANSWER ASAP cuz i am so confused & worried i do have a doctors appointment on the 4th (in four days) but i just want to know if others experience this & for someone to answer my questions before i go to the doctors....thanks so much in advance

 

[email protected] - May 7

I came into our marriage with a child but my husband didnt have any children. Prior to marriage we discussed having another child and I informed him that I never wanted children but I would do it for him. 8yrs later, I would like to have a baby with my husband. He said that he doesnt want one anymore because we cant afford one and supposedly thats the only reason. Note we have very nice salaries but hes very materialistic and love the biggg things. Then he stated that I(me) really dont want one and im just doing it because its for him. Thats however not true. I really want a baby from my husband and I eat, sleep and cry over it. I feel like he feels like im not good enough. Even though he says its just money. My son also would love a sibling. Please help. I know that I originally told him that i didnt want another kid but whats that matter when he told me that he really wanted one. At that time I agreed. Heres whats different. For the last few years we used condoms but this year we stopped using them and we do not use the pull out method. However im not getting pregnant and he's still saying he doesnt want any children. Im concerned that he cant produce children(no kids in 8yrs.) Could it be that he really does want a child and wont say it because he hasnt been able to conceive? He says later but I think hes just saying that.

 

sadwife - May 13

I've been with my husband for 11 years -married 8 yrs. I'm 29 and he's 39. Before we got married he said he wanted to have children we even picked baby names. At the beginning of our marriage I brought up the topic of having a baby a few times a year and he always said, "next year". I would drop it and wait for the next year. Every year was "next year". He always a__sured me that he loved me and wanted to have babies with me, but not at that time. Its been 11 years now. My clock is ticking and I cant help but feel that "next year" will never come. The last 3 years I have really been bringing up this topic very frequently to the point of throwing up because Ive cried so much. 5 months ago I told him that I couldnt be in the relationship anymore because it's obvious we dont want the same things in life. He finally admitted that he only told me that he wanted to have children with me so that I would marry him. He thought that his feelings would change about wanting children. Thru out our marriage we havent had any other issues, we don't fight about any other issues. We both work and do well financially, I love him and I believe he loves me,too, but I think he will never come around and want to have children. I want my husband to "want" to have a child. I would never purposely get pregnant because that would be unfair to him and the child. I love him and he's my best friend and I don't want to break up our marriage, but having children is something that I have always wanted. I dont know what to do anymore. I will be 30 soon and I'm so lost and afraid. I think about having a baby every single day, several times a day. It's so hard to see our friends and relatives get pregnant and have babies. I honestly dont know what to do.

 

sadwife - May 13

I've been with my husband for 11 years -married 8 yrs. I'm 29 and he's 39. Before we got married he said he wanted to have children we even picked baby names. At the beginning of our marriage I brought up the topic of having a baby a few times a year and he always said, "next year". I would drop it and wait for the next year. Every year was "next year". He always a__sured me that he loved me and wanted to have babies with me, but not at that time. Its been 11 years now. My clock is ticking and I cant help but feel that "next year" will never come. The last 3 years I have really been bringing up this topic very frequently to the point of throwing up because Ive cried so much. 5 months ago I told him that I couldnt be in the relationship anymore because it's obvious we dont want the same things in life. He finally admitted that he only told me that he wanted to have children with me so that I would marry him. He thought that his feelings would change about wanting children. Thru out our marriage we havent had any other issues, we don't fight about any other issues. We both work and do well financially, I love him and I believe he loves me,too, but I think he will never come around and want to have children. I want my husband to "want" to have a child. I would never purposely get pregnant because that would be unfair to him and the child. I love him and he's my best friend and I don't want to break up our marriage, but having children is something that I have always wanted. I dont know what to do anymore. I will be 30 soon and I'm so lost and afraid. I think about having a baby every single day, several times a day. It's so hard to see our friends and relatives get pregnant and have babies. I honestly dont know what to do.

 

Grandpa Viv - May 13

Frontal a__sault will only increase resistance. Do you spend time with the friends and relatives so he can be exposed to little children? Does he have any guy friends who are proud of their kids? Would he buy into the notion that there is not much purpose to life if not to procreate? What will his legacy to the world be? How does he visualize spending his old age? What kind of relationship does he have with his parents? If you can't turn him around, you may need counseling to gain acceptance of the situation, or start looking for another mate.

 

Grandpa Viv - May 13

Frontal a__sault will only increase resistance. Do you spend time with the friends and relatives so he can be exposed to little children? Does he have any guy friends who are proud of their kids? Would he buy into the notion that there is not much purpose to life if not to procreate? What will his legacy to the world be? How does he visualize spending his old age? What kind of relationship does he have with his parents? If you can't turn him around, you may need counseling to gain acceptance of the situation, or start looking for another mate.

 

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