My Husband Doesn T Want To Have A Baby But I Do

470 Replies
Grandpa Viv - May 13

Frontal a__sault will only increase resistance. Do you spend time with the friends and relatives so he can be exposed to little children? Does he have any guy friends who are proud of their kids? Would he buy into the notion that there is not much purpose to life if not to procreate? What will his legacy to the world be? How does he visualize spending his old age? What kind of relationship does he have with his parents? If you can't turn him around, you may need counseling to gain acceptance of the situation, or start looking for another mate.

 

Grandpa Viv - May 13

Frontal a__sault will only increase resistance. Do you spend time with the friends and relatives so he can be exposed to little children? Does he have any guy friends who are proud of their kids? Would he buy into the notion that there is not much purpose to life if not to procreate? What will his legacy to the world be? How does he visualize spending his old age? What kind of relationship does he have with his parents? If you can't turn him around, you may need counseling to gain acceptance of the situation, or start looking for another mate.

 

Keepinghope - June 27

Like many of you this is the first time that I join a forum. I felt a big connection with many of you and felt like I found some kind of support here. I am married and there were so many things we discussed before getting married and having kids was a topic we discussed. Before we got married we dated 2 years. As time pa__sed he told me that he had a son which we have him every other week, and we have a good relationship. I didn’t know if it was something I could handle because it’s a big responsibility that not anyone just agrees too immediately, and keeping in mind that I have no children and it’s my first marriage. So time pa__sed and he decided that he hadn’t told me the entire truth, he continued and said he also had a daughter that he has no contact with because he was tricked by the mother saying she was on the pill and ended up she just wanted child support, still needs 11 years until it’s done. Then that same day I asked if he had anymore secrets that I needed to know and there is came he had a vasectomy done. I said then you know maybe this is not going to work out, I can’t believe he lied to me but he told me he was looking for a good doctor to get it reversed and just needed money. My mistake was to believe him, but love makes you do some things you can’t explain. My husband said that he wanted kids with me but of course I believed him I think he told me this so I could just stop bringing up the topic. Now that we got married the other day I brought the topic back again and his answer was “well I already have kids and they can just replace the kids you want.” My interpretation of it was that he wants me to just replace the children I want with his instead of having my own. I couldn’t believe he told me that so cold hearted I stayed quiet and strong as we were at his family’s house. I am hurt because I feel that he is not allowing me to experience this on my own. He already lived the experience with his son, like the entire pregnancy, birth, etc. I want to live that also. I have always wanted to be a mother and I always wanted children that I did mention before marriage. I accept that he has children but it doesn’t mean that I have to give up my dream of feeling his baby inside growing. I told him straight up that I had chosen him because I love him and he was the one I wanted to have my child with. I said it because it is very easy to just end up pregnant if that’s all it was, it’s the connection you have with your husband and the love that makes you want to have a blessing of our love. I haven’t mentioned it again because he doesn’t want any and every time I want to talk about it just makes us have an argument. What can I do? Should I just give up my want and need to become a mother to save my marriage? Any advice and comments would really help me. Please help. Also to all the people on this forum please keep posting how your relationship has changed. Or if you are recently a mother even to tell us how you are doing now from the first time you posted on here.

 

Keepinghope - June 27

Please disreguard previous post this one is the one with additional information. Thank you! Like many of you this is the first time that I join a forum. I felt a big connection with many of you and felt like I found some kind of support here. I am married and there were so many things we discussed before getting married and having kids was a topic we discussed. Before we got married we dated 2 years. As time pa__sed he told me that he had a son which we have him every other week, and we have a good relationship. I didn’t know if it was something I could handle because it’s a big responsibility that not anyone just agrees too immediately, and keeping in mind that I have no children and it’s my first marriage. So time pa__sed and he decided that he hadn’t told me the entire truth, he continued and said he also had a daughter that he has no contact with because he was tricked by the mother saying she was on the pill and ended up she just wanted child support, still needs 11 years until it’s done. Then that same day I asked if he had anymore secrets that I needed to know and there is came he had a vasectomy done. I said then you know maybe this is not going to work out, I can’t believe he lied to me but he told me he was looking for a good doctor to get it reversed and just needed money. My mistake was to believe him, but love makes you do some things you can’t explain. My husband said that he wanted kids with me but of course I believed him I think he told me this so I could just stop bringing up the topic. Now that we got married the other day I brought the topic back again and his answer was “well I already have kids and they can just replace the kids you want.” My interpretation of it was that he wants me to just replace the children I want with his instead of having my own. I couldn’t believe he told me that so cold hearted I stayed quiet and strong as we were at his family’s house. I am hurt because I feel that he is not allowing me to experience this on my own. He already lived the experience with his son, like the entire pregnancy, birth, etc. I want to live that also. I have always wanted to be a mother and I always wanted children that I did mention before marriage. I accept that he has children but it doesn’t mean that I have to give up my dream of feeling his baby inside growing. I told him straight up that I had chosen him because I love him and he was the one I wanted to have my child with. I said it because it is very easy to just end up pregnant if that’s all it was, it’s the connection you have with your husband and the love that makes you want to have a blessing of our love. I haven’t mentioned it again because he doesn’t want any and every time I want to talk about it just makes us have an argument. What can I do? Should I just give up my want and need to become a mother to save my marriage? Should I just let the small light of hope die instead of torturing myself thinking it will happen? Also I forgot to mention that it has been 9 years he got the vasectomy done and each year that pa__ses the possibilities of being able to conceive reduces a lot the more we wait the less chances we have. Any advice and comments would really help me. Please help. Also to all the people on this forum please keep posting how your relationship has changed. Or if you are recently a mother even to tell us how you are doing now from the first time you posted on here.

 

unappreciated - July 11

my partner and i have been together for 9 years, when we met he had a 3 yer old son and i never made any secret of the fact that i wanted children of my own one day. Finally after being together for around 3 years the subject came up of having a baby, a subject we argued about for at least 3 years before we finally had our son. He is now 2 1/2 and at the beginning of this year I wanted to try for a brother or a sister for him, I was ready and was really looking forward to trying again, my partner has been great since our son was born and we'd often mentioned when we had the next one, but oh no, no way it would seem according to my partner, he thinks he is now too old, that his son is too old for another sibling, but what about our son??? anyway after lots of arguing and fighting we are now going round in circles. I actually think that my partner wants his single childless life back, (all of his friends are single and childless, so can go to the pub etc whenever, wherever.) The whole subject has devestated me and has made me question whether I should even stay with him. I adore his son and our son, and don't treat either any differently, and in the 9 years we have been together have spent a lot of time looking after his son while he worked. I don't eel like my family is complete, there is quite an age gap between my stepson and my son, so they will never be able to be close buddies for each other as they are worlds apart. The problem is I do want another baby and I'm so scared that if i stay with him and he continues to be so adamant in his refusal to have another child that I will end up resenting him in years to come for me never having that last baby I so desperately wanted. I'm finding it so hard at the moment as all of my friends are having baby number 2 or 3. I've been too so many baby showers or nights out where the next baby announcement is made, that my face hurts from hiding the pain that I'm feeling inside.It breaks my heart the minute they place their new babies in my arms. I'm just so hurt and angry and upset inside with my partner I've even explained to him how I feel and he just carries on regardless. I just feel like I'm stuck in limbo. I know many women would probably give anything to have my life and be lucky enough to have one beautiful healthy child, but I can't switch off my feelings about having another baby.

 

Confusedlizzie - July 12

Wow, and I thought I was all alone, but I have another problem to, I'm not married yet either! I have been with my partner for 8 yrs, he says he wants to get married and have kids but when I try and talk to him about it, I get " I'm happy the way things are!" we have almost been married once, but he freaked out a few months before the wedding so we broke up, then he came running back saying he loved me and wanted to marry me and have kids.... Silly me.... Now once again he's happy with the way things are and I'm not! I'm 27 and I want to be married and to have children but he won't have a bar of it! I love him so much, actually apart from this major problem he is wonderful in every way, I just don't get it..... Am I just not good enough to take his name to have his kids, or have I just been played for 8 yrs? I'm so confused! I have even said to him about going and talking to someone about this..... He wouldn't have a bar of it! Please help me while I'm sorry your all in a similar boat I'm glad I found people I can relate to ......sigh!!!

 

Confusedlizzie - July 12

Wow, and I thought I was all alone, but I have another problem to, I'm not married yet either! I have been with my partner for 8 yrs, he says he wants to get married and have kids but when I try and talk to him about it, I get " I'm happy the way things are!" we have almost been married once, but he freaked out a few months before the wedding so we broke up, then he came running back saying he loved me and wanted to marry me and have kids.... Silly me.... Now once again he's happy with the way things are and I'm not! I'm 27 and I want to be married and to have children but he won't have a bar of it! I love him so much, actually apart from this major problem he is wonderful in every way, I just don't get it..... Am I just not good enough to take his name to have his kids, or have I just been played for 8 yrs? I'm so confused! I have even said to him about going and talking to someone about this..... He wouldn't have a bar of it! Please help me while I'm sorry your all in a similar boat I'm glad I found people I can relate to ......sigh!!!

 

Confusedlizzie - July 12

Wow, and I thought I was all alone, but I have another problem to, I'm not married yet either! I have been with my partner for 8 yrs, he says he wants to get married and have kids but when I try and talk to him about it, I get " I'm happy the way things are!" we have almost been married once, but he freaked out a few months before the wedding so we broke up, then he came running back saying he loved me and wanted to marry me and have kids.... Silly me.... Now once again he's happy with the way things are and I'm not! I'm 27 and I want to be married and to have children but he won't have a bar of it! I love him so much, actually apart from this major problem he is wonderful in every way, I just don't get it..... Am I just not good enough to take his name to have his kids, or have I just been played for 8 yrs? I'm so confused! I have even said to him about going and talking to someone about this..... He wouldn't have a bar of it! Please help me while I'm sorry your all in a similar boat I'm glad I found people I can relate to ......sigh!!!

 

Confusedlizzie - July 12

Sorry don't know why it posted 3 times!

 

jneig3851 - April 1

I see that no one has posted on here for some time. I have a very similar situation, but different. I have been with my boyfriend for five years now. I had a miscarriage about 3 years ago and he promised we would try again in a year when he was finished with the custody battle of his daughter. I waited for a year and then when the year was up he didn't want another child as things did not end so well with his daughter. I accepted it and pushed my feelings down and stayed with him. I just had another miscarriage a month ago. It was an accidental pregnancy as I was on birth control. Now that I was two months pregnant and I had a little baby growing in me I am stuck on wanting my baby again. My BF however does not want children still because of his experience with his daughter. I want a baby so bad I can't wait! Like I wanted a baby yesterday! He said let's work on us and then try. But, as he already had me wait a year and then did not follow through, I can not wait to work on us when I will hear another excuses and be wasting my time clock. I do love him but I can not, not have a child to stay with him. We both have made the decision to go our separate ways, but have not done so yet. I would love to hear how you guys ended up either way with either splitting or having a baby. I don't want to break up but I see no other way. This not a you give a little I will give a little situation. I can not change my mind about desiring to have a baby….

 

jneig3851 - April 1

I see that no one has posted on here for some time. I have a very similar situation, but different. I have been with my boyfriend for five years now. I had a miscarriage about 3 years ago and he promised we would try again in a year when he was finished with the custody battle of his daughter. I waited for a year and then when the year was up he didn't want another child as things did not end so well with his daughter. I accepted it and pushed my feelings down and stayed with him. I just had another miscarriage a month ago. It was an accidental pregnancy as I was on birth control. Now that I was two months pregnant and I had a little baby growing in me I am stuck on wanting my baby again. My BF however does not want children still because of his experience with his daughter. I want a baby so bad I can't wait! Like I wanted a baby yesterday! He said let's work on us and then try. But, as he already had me wait a year and then did not follow through, I can not wait to work on us when I will hear another excuses and be wasting my time clock. I do love him but I can not, not have a child to stay with him. We both have made the decision to go our separate ways, but have not done so yet. I would love to hear how you guys ended up either way with either splitting or having a baby. I don't want to break up but I see no other way. This not a you give a little I will give a little situation. I can not change my mind about desiring to have a baby….

 

TrustedTruth - July 3

Wow, I am appalled at how many women think it is acceptable to divorce their husbands over their selfish desire to have a baby. Divorce is never an answer to a difference in ‘wants’ and if it is, you don’t truly love him. If you did truly love him you would be able to get through this and accept his stance. Perhaps you are incapable at dealing with or solving marital problems that you have to resort to the nuclear option and give up? Divorce will not validate your viewpoint or justify your decision; it just allows you to quit the situation with consequences. The 'different goals/priorities' argument is a flawed one at best. It’s another failed attempt to try to justify not getting your way. It’s obvious you and your husband’s priorities are already very closely aligned otherwise you would not have gotten married in the first place. Take this example… A husband wants to buy a Lamborghini, he wants it more than ANYTHING else in the entire world!!! But his wife says no. Should he divorce her and find someone else who will not say ‘no’ to the Lamborghini? Of course not, because you both must agree on something to have it. A child is not the same as a car, but the correlation and reasoning are the same. Just because you don’t get your way doesn't make a legitimate reason for divorce, legally or ethically. The marriage relationship between a man and a woman is the single most important ent_ty in your life and (next to God, if you are religious) should come before any other articles, material (cars) or immaterial (babies). A marriage is a joining in life with your partner/soul mate first, and then sharing in producing a child second. It is not just a means to a baby. If you say you ‘truly love him’ and ‘he's perfect in every other way' and ‘you have a wonderful relationship otherwise’ and ‘I can't see myself without him’ and ‘he's my soul mate’, then you will stay with him baby or no baby. That vow you took was for better/worse, sickness/health. No where do I see it contingent on baby/no baby. It does not matter if you say you did not want kids and changed your mind or he said he wanted kids and changed his mind, both people are allowed to change their minds, and both people have to come to a decision together and agree in order to do it. Only if a love is strong enough to last without a baby, will it be strong enough to last after the baby. If you feel your love is NOT strong enough to last without a baby then you are married for the wrong reasons. You should have married your husband to be with him for the rest of your life, no other reason. If it is for some other reason (baby, money) you will not last and it will be a failed relationship. Marriages last a lifetime, 30-60 years. A child is a TEMPORARY journey along that path that lasts ~18 years, it is a subset of the marriage, the child will come and go. After the child, you are left in the same situation you were in before you had the child, just the two of you together. You must love each other before the baby, during the baby and after the baby; not for a baby or because of a baby. Your love for your husband is UNCONDITIONAL and must have no bearing on whether or not you get something in life. If it does then you are wrong for resenting him. What if your husband turned out to be infertile? Good wives would of course stay with their husbands, but why, simply because he cannot control it? You should not absolve your husband in one circ_mstance and resent in the other. Whether he can’t have one or won’t have one, the reason is irrelevant, the situation is the SAME, no child. Just because he can have one but won’t does NOT justify any of your ill feelings. And for those who believe the divorce option is acceptable, please do society a favor and divorce, because it's clear you do not REALLY love each other, especially not enough that you should be bringing a child into this world. This is whole situation is clearly one of the reasons 50% of marriages end in divorce. I wonder how many damaged children and fractured families we can attribute to coercion and the selfish desire to ‘want a baby’. I read things like 'I just want a baby' and 'I just want to be a mother' without reason or logic. It’s all irrational emotion. I read a lot of “I, I, I, ME, ME, ME” which only reemphasizes the fact that this is a selfish decision. Having a baby should not be a selfish decision. Many women are fixated on just the ‘baby’ aspects of having a child. If fact they’ve even said things like they long for “a baby to hold” or “a child to play with”. That’s short term. How many of you look at a mother with her teenager and say ‘I just want a teenager’. What you really need to ask yourself is “do I want a baby, toddler, child, kid, adolescent, teenager, young adult, college student, AND fully grown child” instead of just ‘baby’. A baby is not an accessory like a designer purse. There is no ‘right’ to have a baby. Husbands a not simply sperm donors. A baby is NOT a material goal in life like getting a college degree or buying a house. Having a child is a joint decision. How would you like it if you were pregnant without being asked? (Rape anyone?) A baby should only be conceived out of the love of the parents and them wanting to express that love in the form of a child and share that love with them as a family with the child. The decision to have a baby is the single most important decision of a married relationship. It is not to be taken lightly, thus, why your man considers it heavily, logically and WITHOUT emotion. He has given clear decisive logic why not, (finances, timing, jobs, etc) but you fail to provide anything other than emotional and illogical 'feelings' and 'desires'. This is where the dissonance occurs and he is correct because logical, rational thoughts and conclusions are always superior to irrational ones based on emotion. Furthermore it's been scientifically proven there's no innate instinct, no 'biological clock' that drives women to want a baby, otherwise all women would feel it equally (Google it). What is actually happening is you are feeling the peer pressure of your culture, society, peers and what you see in the media (TV), combined with the fact that you DO have a timeline and that timeline is approaching its end. Once you realize this you will realize your decision to have a baby may not be based on reason or logic. Many of you have admitted this. “I see babies and bellies everywhere” or “All my friends are pregnant or having babies” is what I read. Many women here say “I don’t know what to do???”, but the answer is so clear. You know exactly what the right answer is but you just don’t want to accept it, thus you write your story here and ask what to do in hopes of finding an answer that does not exist. Here’s the answer. Here’s what you need to do. 1) Suck it up. 2) Deal with it. You need to work through not getting something you want. In a marriage, it takes TWO people to agree on something to obtain it. If one person does not agree to something, that something simply does not happen. A positive times a negative is ALWAYS a negative. That’s why you married him right? To share together in life experiences? If a husband wants a Lamborghini and a wife says ‘no’, there’s no Lamborghini to be got. Work through it. Now for those who are not willing to give up and are strong enough and have enough love to continue, but you still want a baby, here’s what you need to do. 3) Your husband knows you want a baby. Don’t keep tell him you want one. 4) Every 3 months ask him if he wants to be a father or if he wants you to have his baby (say it like that). Leave it at that, don’t argue further. 5) Avoid using “I, I, I, ME, ME, ME”. This only validities the idea that it’s a selfish decision for you and you are not considering his views. DO NOT push it on him. He’s your husband, you love him unconditionally and either you will be together forever without a kid, or you will be together forever with a kid. DO NOT trick him. I am glad to see most are smart enough not to deceive them into pregnancy and want him to want it too. For those for those that do deceive, God help you with your poor decision. It's clear this may be just a stage, a phase of life you are going thru right now and the desire will fade. Most women who posted are 25-40 with the mean being 30-35 and say 'it hit me like a ton of bricks'. You did not feel this strongly at age 18 or 22 and you won’t feel this strongly after age 40. Resentment is wrong. Simply put, if you really, truly love your husband, you will not resent him. This is good for those that do truly love because it means they have no fear of resenting him. However, if you do resent him or think you will, it's clear you do not really, truly love him and only think of him as a sperm donor. And for all those ungrateful women who already have a baby but want another, enjoy what you have and stop arguing, your husband already gave you what you want. It's clear that logic and reasoning are not behind the desire to have yet another baby. All this stated from a former Minister turned PHD therapist who specializes in marriage counseling. Thus why they call me the TrustedTruth. Good luck everyone.

 

HappinessIsHugs - August 4

TrustedTruth, couldn't disagree more. I would forgive my dh almost anything, but not denying me motherhood. Otherwise, hello, why not just be f-buddies? Not to put to fine a point on it. Did you seriously compare a baby to a Lamborghini? Wow, and you accuse women who want to create a new life of being shallow! For all you Unmarried Ladies, however, there is a lesson to be learned: decide on how many children you want before you marry and don't take that ring unless he's on the same page.

 

HappinessIsHugs - August 4

Here's the thing, before the Pill, Mother Nature had to ensure that women loved babies, otherwise, you'd leave that thing in a ditch the first time it vomited and peed on you. So women naturally love babies and want babies. And yes, this is a biological thing. It doesn't mean all women feel the need as strongly, as with any other human feature, it varies from person to person, but it's still real. Men, on the other hand, didn't need as strong an urge for babies, per se. They only needed to have the urge to do what makes babies in order for the species to keep going. I think we can all agree that most men have this urge, although again, it is stronger in some than others. The Pill is great, don't get me wrong, but it messes up this state of affairs. Men who are getting s_x can be very happy, as their instincts are telling them they are doing everything they need to do. They don't have that same irrational, biological need to have a kid. But more women do. So if you have a couple where one person really wants a baby and the other doesn't, it's usually (but not always) the woman who wants the kid. When the man thinks about having a kid, he uses his forebrain, which is rational and considers things like money and whether he might lose his job, and how much work a kid would be, and is he ready to be a dad, and would he rather have a Lamborghini, etc. So it's easy for him to keep saying No, No, No. But if Nature were having it's way, he'd be a dad by now. So, ladies, it's up to us to make sure that these poor guys still become dads. Because once a man becomes a dad, his brain changes (studies have shown) and he actually becomes a nicer person (this is true of moms too), more patient and less aggressive, and of course, he will love that baby just as irrationally as the mommy. So it's not ideal to trick your husband, but you do have to realize that he's not going to feel the same after the baby is born as he does when the baby is just a theory. Somehow, that has to get through to him. I recommend that you imitate Nature and give him a wonderful night right before you bring up the subject.

 

JUSTINKERISSA - June 19

My name is Justin Kerissa and am from Trinidad.... I have been trying for 10 years to get pregnant and needed help! Been going to the doctors but still nothing positive happen. The doctor said me and my husband are fine , I don’t know where else to turn. Until one day I read how DR OGBIDI helped others get pregnant ONLINE... I decided to contact the great man DR OGBIDI cast a pregnancy spell for me and gave me a 2months sure guarantee that i will become pregnant , and exactly 6weeks later I went to check and to my greatest surprise i was pregnant, i was so happy...... i can never forget what this great man did for me..... Thanks to Great DR OGBIDI who opened my blessings of conceiving , i want to use this medium to tell other women out there who is having pregnancy issues not to wait for years like i did contact DR OGBIDI NOW and be happy FOREVER ....+2347050203191

 

JUSTINKERISSA - June 19

My name is Justin Kerissa and am from Trinidad.... I have been trying for 10 years to get pregnant and needed help! Been going to the doctors but still nothing positive happen. The doctor said me and my husband are fine , I don’t know where else to turn. Until one day I read how DR OGBIDI helped others get pregnant ONLINE... I decided to contact the great man DR OGBIDI cast a pregnancy spell for me and gave me a 2months sure guarantee that i will become pregnant , and exactly 6weeks later I went to check and to my greatest surprise i was pregnant, i was so happy...... i can never forget what this great man did for me..... Thanks to Great DR OGBIDI who opened my blessings of conceiving , i want to use this medium to tell other women out there who is having pregnancy issues not to wait for years like i did contact DR OGBIDI NOW and be happy FOREVER ....+2347050203191

 

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