19 And PG How Do I Tell Them

31 Replies
Lauren - October 10

I'm 19 years old and just found out I'm pregnant... I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 months and i'm not on bc but we did use protection. In a way we wanted it to happen. I dont know how to really explain it but i'll do my best.... my family is the "ideal" family, both my parents are very sucessfull, in life, their marriage, they own a few companies everything. We have a huge extended family (i have a lil sis who is 15) and I have tons of friends, my sister has tons of friends, my parents have tons of friends. So my point in telling you all this, is because we know so many people, i feel like i am going to let my parents down. I feel ask if they are going to be embarassed in knowing their daughter is pregnant. I'm so scared of what everyone will think. It's going to break my parents hearts and I dont want that to happen. I have always been such a good girl, smart, athletic everything, they think I'm perfect and now I'm scared for them to think I'm not. It's so hard because I am so close to them and breaking their hearts breaks mine... what do I do? how do I tell them? should my boyfriend be there or should i do it alone? I need help I'm so scared and I cant wait any longer to tell them

 

To Lauren - October 10

Do it alone, and if you and your family is that close, you'll can make it through this. & just because your parents are successful it doesn't mean that they are inhuman or you for that matter. They will understand....... Does your boyfriend plan to be in the baby’s life? Good Luck……

 

Laruen - October 10

Oh yes.. my bf and i talk about it all the time he told me before we ever got together that he knew we would get married and now he is more excited than ever.... and i feel like its harder for me because they are successful that everyone else excepts me to follow them, and to be "perfect" My bf is amazing and my worst fear personally is being a single mother because i dont know that i am strong enough for that, and he doesnt belive in having a baby and not being married. so us being together and married, none of that is a concern of mine, i know for a fact he will always be there

 

To Lauren - October 10

Good Lauren, Sounds like you have a good support system. u don't have to tell your parents now, maybe wait until after you two get married. Maybe they will understand it better.

 

J.M. - October 10

Lauren I was in your shoes when I was pg with my daughter. I was 19, always got good grades in school, I worked, went to college and I ended up getting pg by a guy that I worked with the first month that I started dating him. I kept my pregnancy from my mom for about a month til I could figure out what to do. My mom ended up making me make my bed, move in with him etc. They will get over it, it's not a big deal. They might be disappointed or ashamed but as long as you're happy with the decision that you chose that's what matters because you have to live your life for yourself and not to please others. Good luck, if you dont feel like telling them you could always go away to a friends and leave them a note. Once they're calmed down they can call you over to talk to them with or without your boyfriend. Sometimes if you do it alone they think that he's a coward or they feel that he's not able to step up to his responsibility for his actions.

 

Lauren - October 10

J.M. How did you fianlyl end up telling them? I dont even know where to begin!!!!!! I'm so scared I know they will accept it eventually... and I still dont know if I should do it w/ my boyfriend or w/o i feel like w/o would be better.. but like you said they might think he is a coward.. i want them to know him and i are in this together!

 

to lauren - October 10

i found out last week that my 16yr old daughter was pregnant she told me and her dad the day after she had her pregnancy confirmed at the doctors and yes i was angry upset and dissappointed,but no matter what she had to tell me i listened do you know why because i love her with all my heart we are both here to support her through the pregnancy as is her partner,if you and your boyfriend really feel that this is what you both want and it was a joint decisionyour family will either accept this or learn.i had many hopes for my daughter but its her life i wished it had happened a lot later but whats done is done and as i said we are all here for her through it all i wish you luck but i must stress letting them know earlier than later is the best policy.

 

Mike - October 10

I'm a step-dad to a 16 & 14 year old. Let me tell you that I am scared to death that one day they may come home and tell me those words. However, I trust them to do the right thing. As a "father" I could chatise you for what you did. I'm sure you've heard it before. But, as you said, you two "wanted it to happen". So, you got your wish. Now you will find out if your relationship really has any substance and will be welcomed into adulthood with a vengeance. One thing is for sure, your life will not be the same from here on out. But, if my daughters did break such heartbreaking news to me, I would not stop loving them. I would support them in having the baby, but I would not support them and the baby. If they are old enough to make an adult decision, then need to be an adult. I disagree with telling the parent after marriage. First, you don't know if this will happen or not. You bf may change his mind tommorow. Tell your parents now. Truth is always the best course of action.

 

Lauren - October 10

Wow Mike.. I think that what you said makes me even more scared!!!!!!!! Maybe I shouldnt hav said we kind of wanted it to happen, i guess we should have been more careful. I'm young but I am almost 20 and I think there is a HUGE difference between having a child at 16 and a child at almost 20 and my boyfriend being 23. I dont feel 19... I have always acted older, I'm just so scared of what people will think. My boyfriend will not change his mind tomorrow. He is so much different than that. I know he isnt going anywhere and I know he will always be there, he is the most amazing man ever. I know he wont jsut get up and run we are in this together and he will be by my side the whole way and i know he will. He's always been like this, even before I got pregnant. I know I need to tell my parents, and I'm not ready to get married right now. I would like to get used to the idea of having a baby first before the stress of marriage, he's not going anywhere and I dont need to marry him to make sure of that.

 

To Lauren - October 10

I got prgnant at 19 right in the middle of divorcing my highschool sweetheart. (His child) Talk about weird. Parents aren't always as bad as we make them out to be. My son is now 17 almost 18. I know you are scared, So was I. Getting pregnant doesn't make you bad. A baby, no matter how made is a blessing. You might find your parents to be happy. But, you do know them better than I do. The best thing I can express to you, because I don't give advise, just experience, is to be honest. You may have made an error in judgement, but you are showing a lot of maturity in accepting the consequences of your actions. NO ONE is perfect, trust me, as a mother I can tell you we know that about our children. They will probably be shocked and maybe even a little hurt, but they will get over that. I know mine did. Trust me, telling them I was pg with my ex-s baby wasn't ANY easier to do. But what happened was my parents got excited about becoming grandparents. You seem to have a good family which will only offer you a great deal of support. You are in my prayers!

 

Mike - October 10

Lauren, I don't want to scare you. The fact that you are dealing with all these emotions and stress is bad enough. The stress is caused between what you knew to be the best course of action and reality; the reality of having to tell your loved ones the truth. Every kid (I hope) wants to make their parents proud. You feel as if you have let them down. You have to be ready for the fact that they may be very disappointed in you. Perhaps they've expressed to you or others before how they would feel if this happened? A lifelong committed relationship after knowing someone for 2 months might be stretching it, espcially at 19. But, I don't know the guy and he may be perfect for you. You are correct, 19 and 16 can be world apart as far as maturity. You've got so much to look forward to in life, but know that some things may have to wait or may never happen now. You will be dedicating a great deal of you time to your child these next 18 to 20 years. Perhaps all will work out. Be ready to make many changes in your life. Really, this isn't to scare you but to let you know that this changes everything.

 

me - October 10

do not get married unless both of you are 100% completely sure that you are ready for marriage. i dont believe in getting married just because you are pregnant because it puts so much stress on the marriage. i dont think your parents will be disappointed in you as long as you still plan on living your life like you are not going to be a mommy (in other words, finish college and get a great job if that is what you are currently doing). dont put your life long dreams and goals on hold since you are pregnant. nothing would make your parents more proud than to see their daughter continue on with her goals, baby in tow! and your boyfriend should do the same. he should continue on with his plans for the future and if that includes marrying you and raising your baby together that is great! All your parents will want is to see that the both of you will step up to the plate and be responsible adults.

 

Lauren - October 10

My next concern is he does want to get married. He keeps using the term HAVE "you know we have to get married now." no one should ever have to marry anyone. I keep telling him if I have to marry him, I know I wont be happy. And he keeps saying, "I dont mean have, I mean get to, i'm excited I get to marry you." he says he has this 4 yr plan, date someone for 2 yrs, live together for 2 yrs than get married. Well obvisouly his 4 yrs shortned up into about 2 months!!! He says he has no problem doing so. I dont know I find it harder now to talk about it with him. I keep pushing it in the back of my head. I don't know what to do. As soon as I feel like I have the right answer, I change my mind. I would rather be a single parent on my own than marry someone because I have to. He keeps explaining he doesnt mean it like that, and I know he doesnt but I cant hlpe but be scared. The thing thats always makes me feel better is he never says "me or I or you" its just "we" I dont want a love child, I dont want to be married cuz I was pg, I want to be married b/c i was madly in love with that person.. so I guess my next ? to you guys is what do I do about the marriage part???? THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR HELP!!!!!!!

 

Mike - October 10

Lauren, O.K. I guess I get to use you as a sounding board if your were my own daughter. First, you are correct, you don't have to marry this person. You may want to, but that is different as well. Two people should share a plethora of events before deciding if they can live with a person the rest of their lives. I know that society doesn't present marriage as some sanctimonious relationship anymore. They present it as more of a business realtionship than anything else. Anyway, marriage should be for a lifetime. It is proven that, generally speaking, this is the best environment for raising a child. Not to say that single moms aren't great (I married one of them), but that two people commited two each other foster the best chance for the child to develop in all areas. This will be a test for the two of you as I said before. Personally, I hate this guys 4 year plan. I don't condone living with anyone outside of marriage. Sure that's the world we live in, but I don't agree with it. Take the very worst thing about your bf and think about it. Tell yourself that you're going to be married to that side of him for the rest of your life and that you won't be able to change it. Can you still marry him? You may think you can change it, but don't count on it. Plus, there are so many other things that you probably haven't talked about and need to be on the same page before getting married. - Discipline - Finances - Values - Spirituality/Religion - Education - Morals You will have disagreements on these things, but its best to discuss them ahead of marriage. Your biggest challenge is finances. Unless you're fabulously wealthy, finances are one of the biggest struggles for young families. If I had to offer anything it would be: 1. Tell your parents with him present. 2. Tell his parents with you present. 3. Have the baby. 4. As you go through this, decide if marriage is the right thing to do. Don't let your parents (or his) push you as well. 5. Your bf should start to work on his 6 month to year plan immediately. It should include financial support for all three of you, housing, educational requirements (if you decide on continuing college), employment, etc..

 

Lauren - October 10

Mike you are pretty helpful and it's nice to have a mans perspective on this!!! Financial situation I am not worried about... He makes decent money and so do I, I come from a wealthy family and I know they would have no problem helping. His parents I know wouldnt be able to help us, and he isnt very close to them so we are not too worried about telling them. I dont like his 4 yr plan.. I dont think you should put a time on love. Your supposed to let things happen. You say to pick the worst thing about him... I dont know, maybe because I have only been with him for 2 months (I have known him for over a yr though.. I DO know ppl change in relationships) But we live in CA and just went to OK for a week together so we spent an entire week together, and got along just fine. I cant really think of anything I dont like about him, or anything I would want to change. We are both givers, very compromising and willing to sacrifise. Like I said maybe I only feel this way b/c its only been 2 months, but he hasnt shown any signs of anything I dont like! I totally agree with you I shouldnt have to marry him, but he feels so strongly about it that its hard for me! I'm scared to be an um-married mother, but I'm more scared of being a married un-happy mother. I just dont think he could ever make me un happy I just want him to marry me for the right reasons. Maybe I could convince him for a long engagment??? Neither 1 of us is religious, so thats not a problem. I was raised well, never being hit (not even once) never been grounded (never did anything wrong!) he was raised like he was born into the military! But he disagrees 100% with how he was raised and swears he will never be like that. I still live at home, but he does live alone in a 2 bedroom house, so we do have somewhere to live. I'm in school and I work 2 jobs, so I know I would have to give 1 job up b/c I am a nanny for 2 girls (11 and 14) and I know I'm not setting a good example and I work for my dad also, so I have a secure job, and I want to finish school so with a child I will do my best. I know my mom and grandma will be more than willing to help, eventually once they are not so schocked about what I have to tell them!

 

Mike - October 10

Lauren, Still 2 months/1yr is still not a lot of time. I'm not suggesting that people don't change, but not to go into a marriage relationship thinking that you can change the other person. People change when the see the benefit of changing internally and make the decision on their own. Spending a week together is oh so tip of the iceberg compared to a lifetime. Remember that. It truly sounds like you have a good support system and you should use it if offered. I like the long-term engagement strategy. I think the bf is a bit over-zealous with "having" to get married at the moment. I'm sure he is pumped about the pregnancy and feels the obligatory role of provider over his head. Tell him that you'll still be there in a year and so will your (our) child. Tell him that the best thing to do right now is get through having this baby. When the time is right, you can plan the wedding. Statistics will show that these "have to" marriages because of a child end in divorce > 50% of the time. It's stressful enough to be young and a single-mother. It's even worse to be young, married and then divorced with a child. If he loves you that much he'll be next to you every step of the way and he'll understand your decision. He may not like it, but he'll understand. Tell him you want to be ready. Now isn't the time. The worst case scenario is that he (or you) changes his mind about the whole situation and decides to pack up. Now, it doesn't sound like this would occur, but stranger things have happened. I'll pray for you guys.

 

Steph - October 10

Wow. Mike. Finally a man with good advice on this forum. Good for you!!! :o)

 

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