Trust Shattered While Pregnant

98 Replies
Mother of one, but it's been t - November 3

I am pregnant and was planning on moving(at about 5-6months along) to where my boyfriend is. Recently he thought he was pretty sly and I found out(from a mistake that he made), that he was at nasty naked women websites. Now for some people this is acceptable. When I first decided to be with him seriously, I told him how I felt and he said that he was over that kind of stuff(being older now) and that it didn't even interest him. He said he only did it this one time, but it's hurtful that he did it about one week ago, when we have all of these plans together(engagement, the move, and now the baby). I gave him the whole weekend(a week ago) to really think about how he felt about the baby and how he felt on what to do(keep the baby or abort). Instead of just taking the weekend to search the web on fatherhood and how it was going to affect him, financial questions, the stages of pregnancy and signs and symptoms I'd be going through, he mixed in a little t_ts and ass while doing it, I mean while planning out our lives and looking at what to do about OUR baby. He didn't think that I'd find out, but I did. He has never given me any reason to doubt him and he is, or WAS an upstanding person. My friend says it has to do with the stress of finding out about the baby, and that he IS a guy and they sometimes don't think, she says she has two other girlfriends that are going through the same thing with their men(new fathers to be), and the men recently found out that they are going to be new fathers and were all, coincidentally caught in one way or another looking at p___n, which in their personal relationships were all unacceptable. I don't even know how to move on or forward when I don't feel like I can trust him. He told me he was never going to tell me because he was scared and he claims it was a one time incident. I already have trust issues from previous men, and already don't feel great in my own skin and he knows this. Now how am I even going to be able to be around him? Why did he do it if I'm his everything? Does he really want this family that he has, but is about to lose? Will he do it again or is he all grown up? Should I trust him and carry out with having this baby?Any advise????

 

Erinna - November 3

If he has done it after telling you he won't, then he will probably do it again. If it is an addiction, he could seek help. If it's not, then that comes down to an understanding between you both and if he says he won't do it, but then does it, obviously that's going to be an issue. I wouldn't sacrifice your baby's life because your boyfriend lied to you. It will be hard, but I think you need to confront him, tell him exactly how you feel and try to work it out. If he can't stop looking at the site, then perhaps you should reconsider moving in, if it's something you feel strongly about? Just my 2 cents : )

 

Hmm.. - November 3

Just because he is looking at p___n doesnt mean you should leave him or even KILL your baby over it! I know this is about trust, but this is not a reason for abortion! I am 10 weeks pg. If my boyfriend wanted to look at p___n then fine but i wouldnt make a big deal about it. Its a FANTASY! Has he acted on it with anyone besides you? Then I wouldnt be worried. Just confront him, take away his internet, just not your baby!

 

silly men..... - November 4

I think that as long as he's 'just looking' (as in not emailing or chatting) then it's similar to p___n mags. It's when they actually contact someone that I find disturbing. I have issues with the whole p___n industry, but I do respect that it's not exactly a new industry. I guess it just boils down to just what your beliefs are and if you are ok with him doing this. I had a similar problem years ago, and totally confronted my bf (although we don't have children). I was not comfortable with it at all! But I was also only 19 and insecure. It's almost ten years later now, and my views have changed. Anyways, I'm just rambling now, so good luck and please remember a baby is precious !!!

 

Wow! - November 4

I am sorryin advance, but I have to tell you the truth. I think you are way overly sensitive about this. I realize that it is a trust issue, but why are you getting so hung up on this one thing? Most men do what your boyfriend does. Is it enought o throw the relationship away over? Unless he is into something really strange or destructive, it wouldn't be to me. You sound very insecure, and until you work on that, you will never feel satisfied in a relationship- the guy will never be able to love you enough because you won't trust anyone can. You might want to think about what is really important to you if you would consider an abortion just because you've dumped your boyfriend. I know he broke a promise, but that is the violation. Looking at some naked women is not an act of betrayal toward you, and definitely not your baby. I hope everything works out. Calm down a little. I'm sure he is basically a good guy.

 

to Mother of one... - November 4

It is a shame your b/f is scared to tell you how he feels, and it is a shame that your whole relationship crumbles because he peeks at computer images of t_ts. These are fantasy pics, fairty tales, not real women threatening your life. You are right, he shouldn't break your trust. But it is wrong you can't both talk about how you really feel. You have told him, it's bad and he has agreed how bad it is. But the truth is, he doesn't want to disappoint you, but he does like the pics. He knows he cannot tell you this. It doesn't matter how much he does or doesn't agree to abide by your rules, he will always like the pics. In good r/ships people share, compromise, and confess their needs. You should both allow each other that. If he was allowed to be honest about liking them, and you are honest about why you mind him looking at them, maybe there is hope for you both. But you cannot control someone's thoughts, even if you sometimes succeed in controlling their actions. Your baby's life of course should never be dependent on any of these issues.

 

Em - November 4

I say forget your boyfriend but keep your baby. That baby is part of you too. It didn't do anythign wrong. Even if you feel you can't raise it on your own, there are plenty of people out ther that would love to have a baby. If it were me and I really didn't trust him, I would ditch him and keep that precious baby to myself. He's not mature enough to be a father anyway. taek care of you and your baby.

 

Grandpa Viv - November 4

You will look for a long time before you find a man who is not interested in pictures of women, and when you find him you will likely not him for other reasons. Put a folder on his desktop -Johns - and start focusing on more important aspects of the relationship. Your baby needs a committed father. Good Luck.

 

Mother of one, but it's been t - November 4

Just to let everybody know, if I didn't before, IN THE BEGINNING of our relationship, I told him how I felt and that if he wanted to be with me seriously, he needed to respect how I felt about these nasty sites. He DID have a choice, he didn't need to be with me if he couldn't handle not looking- To the people who think I pushed my beliefs on him, I didn't. He had every chance to not date me after hearing my views. So when certain people who wrote in, ask why I'm getting so upset, it's because even HE agreed that these (sites, mags, clubs) were juvenille, nonsense, etc...He had full control over what he said, and YES I told him during the first talk we ever had. So thank you to everybody who wrote in, but it would be like any of you who had boundaries that were not meant to be crossed, and then one of you did, that's why I'm so upset. I think if some of you seperated my issue(that you don't have issues with) from your own issues that you might have, maybe you'd see why I can't trust him. This understanding was made clear in the beginning! I have every right to be mad, and the whole baby issue(abortion) is just because I don' t want to be tied to someone for the rest of our lives, if things aren't going to work out. I already have a 7 year old son, and I have to see his loser abusive father all of the time, I'm not just "abortion happy".-Really thank you to all who wrote in, I realize our views are not the same, but put yourselves in my situation. It doesn't matter whether you care or not what your man looks at, relate to me and what I've said; him and I had an agreement(I didn't make him), he agreed before we even started having serious feelings for eachother. He told me specifically HE WOULDN'T LIKE IT if I looked at naked men, and I never would. We both think that doing these things(nasty sites, mags etc...) is for sure ultimately disrespectful while you're in a relationship.Our relationship is about love, trust, and respect. To the male who wrote in and said, good luck finding a man who doesn't like or look at the pics, don't you men ever grow up? Isn't there a time frame like say after high school where you maybe start to think about big boy things like a career, your life, your family(who is there for you when you need them).Isn't there any man out there who would rather just love his signifigant other and experiment with them than to disrespect the other and humiliate them? Isn't there more to life?Isn't there just any guy who is just madly in love with whoever they're with?I'm not a bad person, I really don't expect much, not that it's anybody's business, but I'm very adventureous in bed, I even make sure I'm always looking great, staying fit, we have s_xual toys, and items that make it fun, we have fun, when is any women just going to be enough?. I made these boundaries in the beginning so this wouldn't happen. And let's be honest, most of us, or all of us have boundaries. Some of us won't date people who don't make a ton of money. Some won't date white people, or black people. Some won't date smokers, or people with children. So why I am I so bad for having my 1 rule, my 1 boundary not to cross, I will not feel bad for making something clear in the beginning, that someone had their OWN thought on and AGREED to on their own free will to and also who wouldn't like it if the situation was reversed and I was looking at naked men. I hope this gives all who wrote in a little insight. I make boundaries in the beginning to let people know, I'm not a doormat and not to disrespect me. I'm sure most of you can now relate-

 

blue - November 4

Umm, I don't think it is normal for a grown man to be spending a lot of time looking at p___n. Sounds like he needs to get a life and grow up. Get counselling with b/f and if he is loser, dump him, and keep the baby. The pits to have to raise two children on your onw, but worse to have a loser dad.

 

Cris - November 4

To mother of one--I agree whole heartedly with u on this one--p___n is for losers and losers only--all these posts about it's only a fantasy--blah blah--It's awful to be fantazing about another woman while u r with one already--it doesn't matter if it's a p___n site--he shouldn't be looking at other women and doing whatever he does when he's looking and then try to be with u. I don't agree with that at all. But, I do believe on keeping that baby you have inside u!! U can't possibly think about abortion when u already have a child?! they r so precious, and innocent--if you decide to leave this guy and can't take care of ur 2 kids urself--they maybe think of adoption, not abortion. Grandpa Viv--u have no idea what u r talking about, there is tons of men who r interested in REAL women, then ones they can fantasize about, come on--act mature. Mother of one--u always get people who post who aren't considerate and think their way is right and are mean--why? who knows they are just out to get other people miserable that's all. If u love him, you both together will have to work something out--Good luck to u and congrats on ur baby!

 

shay - November 4

Sorry but i think you are just a little too immature to even think about a seriouse relationship and you are constantly looking for excuses to abort this baby. Looking at p___n has nothing to do with love or lack of. I don't want my husband looking at p___n but hey i understand when he does occasionally. If you expect to find someone who will never look at another female again then i'm sad to say you will look forever. It's human nature. stop being so d__n demanding and maybe you'll find a man that will give you what you need. and really, you need to look at who needs to grow up, sounds like your boyfriend is a bit ahead of you.

 

iiana - November 4

shay.. you didnt have to be sooo harsh.. everybody is ent_tled to how they feel about certain issueso.. for all we know you mightn't have a husband at all.. i agree with you that this girl needs to focus on the baby and not the man..

 

Miss K - November 4

I dont find p___n the real problem. its the fact that hes doing it and you told him that you didnt like it. Ask him why he feels he needs it. My dh and i like the occasional p___no. We made a promise that we only watch it together. Maybe your bf likes it cause its dangerous and sneaky.

 

wow!! - November 4

You're going to have a hrad time with any man because I have yet to meet a guy who didn't look at the occasional p___n mag or site!! Good kuck with that-he'll only hide it from you!!!

 

Bonnie - November 4

Here is the thing. You told him in the beginning how you felt and you both set boundries that he broke. Will he do it again? Most likely. Women have very different views about p___n. There are a "few" men who do not look at it, but very few. Personally, I have no issues with my DH looking at p___n. I highly agree with "Silly Men" and "Grandpa Viv". My views have changed a lot as I've become older and mroe confident. My DH and I even enjoy p___n together. But we've also discussed our boundries. I.e. He can look all he likes, but I don't want him chatting with anyone on any of the on-line live sites. And I've never had a problem. In your case, you have already set the boundries to which he agreed and obviously he feels differently than what he told you at the time. Does that mean he doesn't love you or that he cheats on you? No! ...... at this point you need to decide what you can or can not live with. If you can't deal with him looking at p___n, than I'm afraid you probably won't last. If you can possibly deal with it and maybe even get involved with him, then have a very long talk about it. In the end you have to trust each other.

 

annoyed - November 4

If your thinking for even 1 second of aborting your baby, then maybe you should've had protected s_x. who's the one who needs to do the growing up here. not just him, you too obviously! i'm pro-choice by all means, but knowing people out there with that kind of mentality are making babies really p__ses me off.

 

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