Boyfriend Unaware

26 Replies
Hazel - September 4

19yrs ago aged 17, bf aged 16, i had a son adopted. We split up around 5yrs later and soon after my ex had a daughter with a girl who he left whilst she was pregnant and who subsequently married another man, putting his name on the birth certificate. He does have contact with his daughter, but not very often 4yrs ago i met with my ex (he was living with a woman who had a teenage daughter from a previous marriage) and 6mths later we moved in together. Our plans were to marry and have kids, so i thought... He changed his mind saying marriage could wait and that he was too young for kids (we are 34 and 35yrs old now). He agreed that i could stop taking the pill and, after 18mths trying, i got pregnant (about 2 yrs ago). He said if i had the baby he would probably leave. I agreed to, and then had an abortion, I didn't want to lose him. Early this year he started going out more, not coming home at night and generally being awful to me, but insisted he was not seeing anyone else. He said he was unhappy with his job/the house/the dog/the fact i spent so much time with my horses!! So i spent as much time as possible at home altho he was never there. In May i found out that he had been seeing a woman he knew from school (who has an 8yr old son)- i found txt msgs, emails etc. and confronted him, he admitted it and ended it with her, saying he wanted to make a go of it with me. Slowly things have got back to normal but during all the upset of the last few months and my ill health because of this, it would appear that my pill hasn't worked and i am now 10wks pregnant. Now i don't know what to do...I haven't told him yet and i sure as h__l don't wanna lose my 3rd child but i don't wanna lose him either. What bugs me most is that every other woman he has been/lived with over the last 20years or so has had children......why his he so against having one of his own, with me?????????

 

me - August 18

wow... you need to really think about leaving this man. he seems to have no respect or regard for you. this man cannot truly love you. you have that kid whether he will be there or not and let him know exactly that. there are so many men in the world why waste your time on one who is willing to raise everyone elses kids but makes you abort yours? good luck

 

brucen - August 19

"me" pretty much hit the nail on the head. you are bending over backwards to please someone who has no regard for you or your feelings. STOP IT! You can focus that energy on your new baby and taking care of YOU!

 

Hazel - August 26

Thanks me and brucen for telling me what i guess i already knew, deep down. I still haven't plucked up the courage to tell him about the baby, the time never seems right..... Funny, during the last week he has started disappearing again, not for the night, just a few hours at a time - he works from home so comes and goes as he pleases during the day whilst i'm at work. Anyway gets stroppy when i ask where he's been, says if i start accusing him again of seeing someone else, he might aswell do it anyway!!! I guess if i can't trust him, there's no point being with him......I feel stupid, hurt and very lonely :(

 

jaedyn - August 26

if i read it correctly, it says u are 34-35 years old now, right? well if that is so and u want a baby, then u should think bout it this way...this could be ur last chance at having the child u always wanted...f*$k him and have this child alone...u are old enough and mature enough to handle it by yourself...god bless!

 

huh? - August 30

You seriously need to step back and take a look at how disfunctional this relationship is. This guy seems to get a kick out of manipulating you and a real man would never make you choose between him and your kids. And honey, once a cheater, always a cheater... if he truly loved you, he wouldnt have gone there in the first place.

 

Hazel - September 3

Well, i told him and he flipped!!! says i did it on purpose and i gotta sort it ie. an abortion, otherwise one of us has to go.......he means me of course although it is my house he lives in. Am quite scared now, how do i tell him i can't have an abortion????

 

brucen - September 3

By packing his clothes, putting them outside the door, and changing the locks.

 

carly - September 4

Im sorry to hear about your situation with this man. I think it's obvious to anyone you would tell this story too that he is trying to control you and also seems to intimidate you quite a bit. You don't want this person treating you and subsequently your baby like this. You don't need to be upset over his reactions to anything while your pregnant, as emotions already run high. I am happy to hear that it is your house so you should have no problem having afew officers escort him out if necessary. Think of it this way, with him out of the picture you can name your child, discipline your child, teach your child whatever YOU want and not have to answer to anyone else. By now it seems like you definetly have together enough to venture this one alone. When you want a man in your life, he will come and he will be ten times better than that dud.

 

Hazel - October 5

Well each day he asks me if i've "sorted it" each day i say "no" so he goes out, stays out for the night and comes back to work (he works from home) in the morning and he asks the same question again.......He says he never wanted any children and i can't have this baby. I feel so guilty for making him feel like this. He says everyone will think i did it on purpose because of his affair ?!?! Can things get any worse?

 

Viv - October 7

This is the new generation of man, child of the s_xual revolution and no-fault divorce, grew up in a dysfunctional home and never formed any childhood attachments. As an adult he is into self only. He uses women for s_x, but is unable to form a relationship with them, and has a positive aversion to progeny. You need to ask yourself what it is about your make-up that attracts you to this kind of man. Did you have an abusive childhood? Do you find love in a relationship where you have to fight for attention? Are you what they call an "enabler"? Once you have decided that you want the child more than you want this pathetic excuse, you will have no trouble making up your mind. Sorry, strong words, but sometimes they help put things in focus.

 

Hazel - October 11

To Viv, Thanks for your input. He never knew his real father, was brought up from 2 yr old by a stepfather who hit him and his mother and his brother and sister.....his stepfather also used to try it on with his girlfriends when he was a teenager.........As for myself, i had a happy childhood, no abuse etc and still have a very good relationship with all my family. Not sure what you mean by an "enabler". Anyway altho things improved mid-week, they went sour again over the weekend and I was once again told that I was the only one who could sort this, I knew what to do, otherwise he was leaving....Funny, i wonder how long he will keep this up before he realizes he is A. going to have to stop threatening and actually go or B. decide to stop acting like a child and face his responsibilities. As i am 17 weeks + he is running out of time and i am beginning to care less and less as time goes on

 

Viv - October 11

Hazel, you're from the old country. I came from there myself. John Bowlby was a British psychologist who first developed attachment theory. Your man is of the "unattached" variety -tried to establish attachments as a child, as we all do, but found himself rejected at every turn, and so became convinced that attachments were painful and to be scorned. If you can figure this, his rejection of you and the child stems from fear of the pain of losing you! He almost certainly doesn't realize this. As for the "enabler" (or co-dependent) piece. it is usually used in the USA in connection with alcoholism ( http://www.learnwhatsup.com/prc/article/alcoholics/recognizing.html ) but the same concept applies to supporting any dysfuntion. Sometimes a person who spends a childhood supporting a needy relative fits this role. I feel for you. You deserve to have at least one child to bring up as your own. Can you do it by yourself? I'd like to hear how this one turns out. If we lose touch I have an e-mail at [email protected]

 

2 Hazel - October 14

You should really follow Brucen's advice and throw him and his shyt out..it's time that you do something that YOU want to do.

 

Daile - October 16

Hazel, it sounds as if you need to tell him to go find a new place to live. He obviously doesn't care about your feelings in the matter. Also, to your last question, I think his problem is that it will be one of his own. It sounds as if he likes to be able to come and go as he pleases. If he has a child that is biologically his, then he won't be able to do that, because he will be legally responsible for that child. Maybe he's scared of being tied down.

 

Hazel - October 18

Well, I have told him that i am happy to do this alone if he doesn't want to know but he is not happy to let me do that either. This weekend he went out before i got back from work on friday evening and came back at 3:30 on saturday afternoon and asked if i'd made an appointment yet....... I said that i thought it was time he moved out and he said, i thought u were going!!! When i said that it was my house he started shouting that this was the whole point, it was my house and i could throw him out when i wanted.....well he was the one who didn't want the commitment of a mortgage but was happy to move in with me. Anyway he went back out on Saturday afternoon and came back Sunday morning asking if i had made an appointment yet and had anyone rung for him. His mobile phone is hidden and on silent again - i just wish he would move in with whoever it is he is spending his nights with!!!

 

2 Hazel - October 18

Wheneva he goes back out, take all his shyt and sit it on the side walk..i'm pretty sure he'll get the point.

 

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