Confused At How Much I Shoule Involve Him

15 Replies
Rendi - December 25

I am 5 weeks pregnant, 27 y/o, and I've know the father for 13 years.Once upon a time we talked of marriage and a family, but then just in the last couple of months he's done a 360 and changed his mind about everything.When I told him I was preganant his immediate response was I want you to have an abortion.He's been acting very shady with me and then just last night I told him I'm keeping the child and he has no say.If he wants to be apart of the child's life that's his decision and if not he must answer to our child when he/she grows up and seeks him out.Then today we talked again and he wants to go to my ultrasound next week (high risk) and I agreed.However, then he goes on to tell me that I have to name the child Echo if it's a girl and use his complete name if it's a boy. He doesn't believe in hyphenated last names and honestly I'm still up in the air with it, however, he stated the baby will have his last name. Also, he keeps making comments that are highly ticking me off. Like, I'll have to inform all my other ladies about this now. When I told him he needed to decide how invlolved he would be, he stated that he need's to talk to all of his ladies before he makes that decision to see what they want to do. I lost it...I was so livid at this point. I told him I am the mother and he is the father and nobody else has any say in this pregnancy, period! I want to strangle him everytime I talk to him b/c he's so insensitive. How do I approach this that I am the pregnant one, caring our child, and changing in drastic ways everyday. That I need the support and he needs to start watching his mouth and giving me respect. He just doesn't understand what I am going through and I'm honestly ticked off that he doesn't even want this child and now he's bossing me around telling me what we will name the child! Any help would be greatly appreciated. I need to know how to express myself without blowing up, so he may actually listen.


Grandpa Viv - December 25

This is not your best Christmas. I'm so sorry. There seem to be several things going on here. The first is "guy shock" at the prospect of fatherhood. There is a distancing thing, as he drags out his other relationships and proposes unacceptable rules. And it sounds as though there may actually be a new infatuation in the wings. I don't know why you would even bother discussing names unless he is also proposing marriage. This will be your decision, and you don't need to get riled up about it - just change the subject. If you want him to be part of the child's life, then the more bonding you can get him to do, the better. Ultrasounds, ma__sages, heartbeats, LaMaze and delivery room all figure. It's not clear what you want of him, or why you would want to be close to such a philanderer, but you may be surprised what will happen if you keep your cool and give it time. Given the emotional turmoil that pregnancy brings, I understand that this may not be easy advice to follow. May peace and good fortune be with you in the New Year.


hey - December 25

Who the hell does this guy think he is? Well u know hes being an a__s, its 50/50 and he shouldnt just tell u how things are gonna be, he should know that any decision about the baby like name has to be made by both parents agreeing on it. Anyways he sounds like and a__s and well if he wants to go to docs appt or anything that has to do with baby then u should let him, other than that i wouldnt talk to him unless its something about the baby.


strength101 - December 27

I am curious, what is your childs father cultural background?


Rendi - December 27

Thank you everyone for the advice. The last couple of days he has been pushing my b___tons...a lot! I've been more than accomodating to his needs. I am trying to schedule the ultrasound so he can attend. I also made the 1st doc appt. as late in the day as possible. However, I got to the point where I told him he can either respect me and offer support or stay the hell out of the pregnancy and I'll inform him of the birth. He can't stop tearing me down. When I get emotional he calls me a bit*h or tells me F.U. I am freakin' pregnant and I've explained the emotional changes due to hormones. I am done with the negativity and I refuse to be surrounded by it during my pregnancy...this is hard enough without his c___p. I am a strong willed and educated woman. I won't take att_tude form my Mother, let alone him. He is just so immature and unrealistic. Telling me I can stay in the state with him and live in his Junior Studio apt. that doesn't even have an oven when the baby is born and he'll move in with one of his "ladies". That will never happen, simply because this particular woman will stick her nose into everything and I refuse to allow that to happen as well. I am seriously contemplating moving back home and living with the support of my family and friends. BTW, stregnth101 he is Mexican American and Caucastion. He was raised Republican Catholic (which I know he is most terrified of his parents finding out he wanted an abortion) and scared to tell his father b/c he isn't married. I told him he should have thought about that before he continuously had unprotected s_x with me. What also might help is that he spent 9 years in...and yes, I stood by him for that entire 9 years. When he first got out everything was great, we even planned on a family and he was trying right away, but then I had to leave him to go back home to a different state and he lost it. It's a machismo thing for him and he stated previously he refused to be that vulnerable again...whatever. We'll see what happens when I get back to town and we 'talk'. BTW-does anyone know CA law regarding the father covering the pregant mother under his insurance if I lose my job b/c of this?


strength101 - December 27

Thanks for answering my curious question, I was wondering if his ethnic played a part in his thinking he was "allowed" to consult his "women". I am mixed with just as he is and I can honestly say now without a doubt he is just ignorant. I would ignore 90% of what he is saying, although I realize it hurts. I lived in CA for years, but I do not remember all the laws. I can tell you in the state I live an attorney advised me that i can get the following: Any maternity expenses not covered by insurance, all medical expenses for the baby incident to birth, medical coverage (father has to provide insurance or pay bills), attorney fees, court fees, DNA test if he is proven to be the father he will have to pay, 21% child support (in my case he works FT and does side jobs for cash, we are going to subpoena family members and clients to prove the cash income) retro to birth, and we will set visitation guidelines (if he does not exercise his rights in a few months, I will be ent_tled to an addtional 15% increase in child support since the child will be with me an additional 80 days out of the year). I think DNA and establishing paternity is very important through the courts. When you establish paternity you legitamate your child and give the child his/her fathers name, in the event anything were to happen your childs father (death or disability) your child will recv. a social security check and any a__sets. Contact an attorney and know your rights it is a free phone call. Ask questions including does your state have anything regarding childcare expenses or educational expenses... My state does not have jurisdiction in juv. ct. for college, so I am taking a policy out with State Farm for under $20 a mo. to allow for my sons college funding (his fathers child support is going for good things). I do not recommend you threaten him with I can do this and I can get this..... Learn what you need to know and if you want ask him to help and expect him to help when he says, but if he does not at least you know what your rights are. We were together 4 years with no breakups and no major issues, all was good until "i am pregnant" came up. We were together until the end of Oct. when he realized late term abortions were no longer an option. I am due in within 2 wks and for months I have tried to be reasonable I only wanted him to cover the baby on insurance and help get me started with things for baby, then help only when needed (diapers...). With promises of I will call you on Friday with some money to buy the baby a few things.. no call, , Sat I called a few times with no answer, then it is Sunday, then it becomes I will meet you on Monday, then something comes up, and it will be Tuesday... I have asked for the insurance information since mid November, he keeps telling me "I will get it on Wed when the insurance rep is at work", any idea of how many Wed's have pa__sed, I even gave him the questions and information needed. Each time I let him dig his own hole and become his own worst enemy without fighting him. I do not have the energy for threats, my court date has already been set. I can not emotionally go through this for eighteen years and I have a child that needs my time and his support. Just think if the baby is not born and they (these men) already dodge the responsibility, do you honestly think he will come through and keep his word. And if he the father is sincere about doing the right thing once he finds out you are taking him to court, then he will appreciate your need to be a responsible mother and have no problem because he too should share the need to be responsible. Actions speak louder than words. Please try not let him take you down an emotional roller coaster, your health and the baby should come first. Good luck and just think this year could be out with the old and in with the new - a beautiful blessing from God.


strength101 - December 27

Sorry for adding something, but it also important to establish paternity through courts to establish that you are the custodial parent. If you are concerned about his other women influencing him and his strong background. You don't want him to ask to see the child and then return him/her as promised. Without court orders the police can not enforce the return of the child and it will become a legal battle until you can get a court order, unless he vol. returns the baby. There are just some things in life we can prevent from the start. Also as a lesson remember, you have been blessed with a life (your child), use protection next time you could be given death (AIDS). It is a matter of self respect and making sure your child always has a mother.


Rendi - December 28

Strength101...thanks for the reply. It's greatly appreciated. Fortunately, I work in the legal field and hold an undergrad in the same area. However, I was hoping I wouldn't have to consult the general counsel at my office. I plan on setting up paternity stat once the baby is born primarily for support, but now you have brought up an even better reason I hadn't even considered yet. No worries though, b/c I would never allow out child to be left with him unsupervised at this point. He has a lot to prove before I will allow that and no court in their right mind would permit it either with his history. I did my homework and found out that he is responsible for insurance for the baby after birth, but do you know who I should contact about whether he is responsible prior to birth? I am in my 1st trimester and I've never felt fatigue like this in my life. I can barely get out of bed to shower, let alone work a 40 work week at a high stress job. I am talking to my employer about reducing my hours at work, however, I may lose health coverage if I do. If this was the situation would he be responsible to add me to his? Thanks again for the help.


strength101 - December 28

I doubt at this time the state/courts would make him responsible due to the fact they do not have proof that he is the father and you are not married. After paternity is established they may require him to pay any uncovered maternity expenses, so keep your bills or cash recpts. Contact an attorney outside of your workplace just to get ideas of what rights you have, you don't have to give your name or hire them. I hope you are not trying to change your job status due to him, are there medical reasons (high risk)? Instead of lowering your hours, see if they will change your hours to come in later and maybe do flex time at home. Many CA employers allow that in the workplace due to the traffic (not sure what area you live in). During the first tri. many mothers are in the same boat any many employers are understanding and will do their best to work with you. The second tri. will be better. And then towards the end of last tri. you will hit another fatique moment. If your doctor feels you are too stressed or high risk, he or she may be able to recommend a solution such as long term disability until the baby is born and you will be protected under the maternity act. Surf the net and look up maternity & family leave laws in CA. I have to tell you again, most employers understand the normal fatique, morning illness... a__sociated with early pregnancy. As for the stress you are having due to the circ_mstances you can not allow it to take control of your life, rather you have to take control. You may have to take a few days off from work and go visit a friend or relative away from your area. Gather your true feelings of what do you actually expect. What can you accept and not accept from him. look at your history with him and how has treated you, don't excuse or protect him, think with honesty to yourself. Time really does help, don't be so hard on yourself. Remember you just found out you are pregnant. Don't wake up and go to bed with nothing but negative thoughts. Try to think you and what a great individual you are. Shift your focus from him (what is he thinking, what is he doing, he is going to mad...) thoughts of you (think in the "I" form I am going to smile today, I am going to be a great mother, I am going to take care myself, I desevr to be treated as a lady....) It takes practice, but it will help you learn to think positive and positive things will take place in your life. SMILE, it gets better!!!!


Karen - December 28

Whatever you do---don't give in on the name issue. You name the baby what you want to name him/her. I made this mistake--trust me. Don't do it. If you aren't the special love of his life, he deserves no special privilages.


stacy - December 28

i went thru this at 24yrs old. i tried to invole him but he had no interest. to make a long story short i left him alone and he had to live with whatever he chose. i left him off the birth cert. and my gut was right...he is not involved. i was a single parent for three yrs and met my husband who is now my little girls daddy. i know how it is to be in that situation but just remember this ... that baby is yours!! with or without him. if you love that baby now than that is all that matters. he just might be scared. maybe he will come around but dont think about that just concentrate on that baby and yourself. it alll falls into me it did for me. good luck.


Ren - December 31

Thank you everyone...I took all of these comments to heart. I had my 1st ultrasound yesterday and got my due date (I have my 1st prenatal appt next week) August 30, 2005. He actually came with me. I offered him to attend, b/c I feel I should at least give him the opportunity. However, it was very negative the entire time. Before the pregnancy, we had a very sarcastic and prissy relationship with eachother. However, I am finding it difficult lately to deal with these comments and i've asked him to stop, but he just doesn't get the pregnancy p__siness. The funny thing is, he called my mom when he got home just to talk...strange! He told my mom he didn't want me to move from CA and he wanted me to stay so we can raise the baby together. Funny, he still hasn't told me this. He also told my mom that the ultrasound was cool and reiterated every word the technician said to me. I didn't even think he was paying attention. My mom feels that he is just scared and that I should give him a break. However, prior to the ultrasound he made several rude comments to a mutual friend of our (such as, I have to go to this ultrasound bull$hit and that he plans to lie to one of the girls he's seeing and tell her I'm further along than I am). I am so confused. I don't know what to believe anymore. I knwo he has this guard up and I've seen inside of him before and I know this is not him. But, I can't sit an wait around for him to come back. I'm at the point where I am doing things for me and the baby...period. I love him and will always, but I can't dwell on my feelings anymore because it stopped being about me when that test came back positive (4 times!). I will continue to allow him to experience the pregnancy if he can in a positive manner, but I will be moving out of state. I've already decided to request he add me to his insurance. If not, he is aware of the fact that the bills may be rolling in after teh delivery for whatever isn't covered. Does anyome know about Medicare (cal) during pregnancy? Do they cut a lot of corners? I'm quiting my job in Feb to move back home and I may be stuck with it for awhile. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Stregnth101, the job thing is based on the fact that I've been stressed out here since day 1 and I previously requested a__sistance, but it went ignored. Prior to my pregnancy I was working 50 hrs with no OT and not taking lunches. Now I can't keep up b/c I refuse to work the same hours or keep my previous daily routine. My fatigue is horrible and I'm barely making 8 hours days. I am an a__set at this point, b/c we're understaffed, so I do have some bargaining room. We'll see what happens. I'm waiting till after my 1st prenatal appt. to talk to them about it.


strength101 - December 31

Rendi - You sound very good. You mentioned you have asked him to add you to his insurance. I don't any insurance that allows coverage to anyone that is not a dependent or spouse. CA may have some type of different law that may apply. With your background check around and network you may find someone who could utilize your skills and work from home. I had a high stress job with a lot of OT. I was dealing with it okay but I had a co-worker that was the most difficult person I ever worked with and unfornately we had to work directly together. Everything all together was becoming overwelming. I had a friend who ran her Website company from home and asked her if she ever consider having someone in sales or marketing and she said, she said only if you will do it. You can work from home. I will save $500 - $700 in daycare alone. NETWORK.... Good luck.


Ren - January 10

It's been rough, but he is coming around. However, I am not so sure I care anymore. I'm so tired all of the time and my work has flat out refused to let me lower my hours. I think they are trying to get rid of me. They've treated me different ever since they found out I'm pregnant and now they are giving me a hard time about taking work of for my doc appts. To answer the question below, most insurance and employers offer domestic partner benefits, which do not only apply to same s_x partners. Thsi is b/c many people opt to not wed and yet still would like the same benefits afforded to the, Not to mention, this was the way counties and states could bring in same-s_x domestic partnership rights, b/c it cannot be predudicial to any one group of people. We'll just have to see what happens.


strength101 - January 10

Ren - There are laws to protect you against pregnancy discrimination. Also, if possible try to schedule appts during your lunch hour. I would always schedule my appts at 11:00. I am so sorry for all the hardship both in the workplace and with your BF. God works in strange ways and there may be blessings behind what know seems to feel so bad. Hang in there, things will get better.


strength101 - January 10

P.S. I had my baby on Jan 5th. He is perfect in every way and I am so glad I had the strength to never give up.



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