Do I Let Him In The Delivery Room Sorry It S Long

4 Replies
brooklynn - October 28

My boyfriend and I broke up 2 months ago, he left me. Our relationship was a lie from the beginning, but I had no clue. I thought he was the perfect man and I was so in love. I found out after we had broken up, his ex called me, who he already has a 2 yr old with, and told me that since 2 weeks after we started dating, she was coming to his house to spend the week for quite a few months in a row cause he said he wanted to work it out with her, and be a family again, meanwhile, he was with me at the same time, telling me how in love he is with me. Then a few months later, while he's still involved with her, he asks me to stop my b/c and get pregnant with him and that he's going to ask me to marry him very soon...I was exstatic! So I stopped it immediately, I thought I would be with him for the rest of my life. We were so perfect together. Then I find out one month later, he had been cheating on me with another girl from here, and seeing her for 1 1/2 months and sleeping with her quite a few times, and said we had broken up because I washed his phone (omg!) and I guess she was stupid enough to fall for it. He broke it off with her, but I found out through a mutual friend and asked him and he denied it for over a month. And I was so niaeve that I wanted to believe it wasn't true. That is until the girl emailed me, told me very intimate details about him, so it was obviously true. We moved in to a big place together, and felt like a real family, but after I got the email, I confronted him, and he finally admitted it. I asked him about his ex too cause I had suspicions, but he totally denied it. I thought I was pregnant at this point, so I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and try again. Then he finds this email about me hanging out with some boys from the previous year, and decides that I had cheated on him. I did not! I would never do that to him! I was so madly in love with him! I think he chooses to believe that so he won't feel as quilty about everything he's done. So we find out I'm pregnant for sure, and even though it's totally rocky, we decide to stay together and work it out. Then he takes this new job, 6 hrs away and we had the plan we were moving there together. Obviously. He moved, but it was still going to be a little over a month before I could quit my job and move. So I went to visit him one weekend, and he was acting really strange and said either come in the afternoon or not at all and he needs some space, so I felt something was up, so I left early and got there at 8am. Just after I knocked on the door, a girl walked out. I thought for sure I had the wrong house, but it was his, and she said they had been sleeping together for over a week. When I walked in with the other girl to confront him (I'm 6 months pregnant at this point) he acted as if I was crazy and in the wrong for being there, and was so rude to me, in order to make the other girl think I was crazy! I ended up staying for 2 days, and we talked a ton, and he said he wanted to go to councilling, and I thought we'd be ok, so stupidly I wanted to try again. Then the next weekend, he comes back, goes to our councillor, then I find out 2 days later, while I was at work that saturday, he went and screwed his ex 2 times that day, then came home to me after I was done work! I found out he was telling her our entire relationship how awful I am (I'm told I'm a very nice person) and that he is going to break up with me so they can be together, and he's telling me how crazy SHE is! So we obviously broke up. Since then he made a promise to stay single for a year and not sleep with anyone (I swear he's addicted to s_x) and then we can try again to work it out in a year. Then I find out he's been with other girls. It's like he's addicted to women and screwing anything! The entire time we were together, he was so emotionally abusive and made me feel everything was my fault and he was perfect, when now I can see that it's him, not me. It's so pathetic and crazy though, I STILL want to be with him, and the times we talk/text/email it's always me trying to get him to work it out. He used to say we could, but now he's saying either no, or maybe. I'm so desparate, and when I hear that I think there's no way he wouldn't want to be with me, we were SO perfect together in every way besides him cheating. Which I feel he could change if he wants to. (he was going to see a councillor). I STILL want to be with him. I'm so depressed. I cry every day and I feel my depression is getting worse and worse. The dr made me finish work early, and is looking in to putting me on meds, but I'm scared to take them cause I don't want to hurt the baby. I'm due in 5 more weeks, but they are inducing me in 3 more weeks cause the baby is huge. I only want him in the delivery room with me, and I know it's immature, but I feel like telling him, if he wants to be with me in the delivery room, then only way he's allowed is if we can get back together and work it out. He's SO excited and we're having a boy, and he's a wonderful father when he decides to be around (he can be very selfish). And he REALLY wants to be there for the birth more than anything, and I don't know if I should let him even if we aren't together. I feel like saying if he doesn't want to work it out, he's not allowed, so he has to decide for sure. I love him so much, and can't handle the thought of never being with him. I'm so depressed without him, and feel like I can't cope and deal with anything without him. Should I let him in? I need help! I don't know what to do!

 

sadgirl07 - October 28

I think that you being in a romantic relationship is nowhere near as important as his relationship with your child. If he wants to be there for the birth you should let him be there because it is his child regardless of if you guys will ever be together. I understand that you love him and you are having a child with him which I think makes you even closer to a man but honestly, if he is a liar and constant cheater as well as mentally abusive then how good is he for you? and I think the key is remembering that you are more important than him and that dictates what you will and wont tolerate from a man and his treatment of you. You deserve someone who will do better by you.

 

brooklynn - October 28

Thank you for your reply. i know logically he's not good for me...but i can't let go of all the good we had. I wish I had better self esteem to tell him I don't want anything to do with him after what he's done to me, but I can't imagine saying that, when all I want to be is with him. And it's true, I know the baby is more important than my feelings of wanting a relationship, but I feel like if he doesn't ever want to work it out, I NEVER want to see him or be around him and my son at the same time. I guess I just have to mature and not think of myself at this point.

 

gummibear - October 29

Dearie, I think you need some counseling, or to talk regularly with some good friends / family members on a regular basis, even after the baby comes. First, its understandable that you'd be afraid to take the meds. Counseling should help alleviate some of your depression. You need to do something soon, whether it be counseling or meds (or both), because from what I understand, if its bad now, it will get worse later with postpartum, and you need your wits together to recover from delivery and to take care of the baby. Second, you said that you were perfect together, but also said he was emotionally abusive. I would truly question the health of the relationship. He doesn't sound good for you whatsoever. With no child in the picture, I'd tell you to leave him for good, and never turn back ~ he's proven an ability to lie to you repeatedly, to break promises, and to behave selfishly. Since there IS a child in the picture, I advise limiting contact with him to what's absolutely necessary re: his relationship with the child. If I were in your shoes and the guy talked about getting back together and being a family, I'd tell him to make his declarations of love and future togetherness to me in front of the other women. If he refused, I'd know he was still sprouting bs. Alternatively, if you really can't handle not being with him (I truly don't think you can't, just that you've convinced you can't), your only other option is to accept that he's going to cheat and lie to you, and accept his selfishness. Accept that he won't put your needs first, that he'll put his own first and might even put some other woman's needs second (and third and fourth) to yours. Accept that he doesn't want a monogamous relationship with you, and that he will sleep with whomever he pleases, possibly (probably) fathering other children along the way. Also accept that when he fathers those other children, this will affect his ability to financially support your child's needs during your son's lifetime. Accept that this is the role model your son will have regarding how to treat a woman, and expect that your son will copy his father. Anyone can change if they really want to. But you've given him so many second chances, he has no incentive to change. There's a saying that if a man DOES change, it'll be for the next girl, because he only learned his lesson when the first one walked out. This guy hasn't learned anything yet - his first ex took him back and here you want to take him back. The one that says 'to hell with you' is the one he's going to respect and remember and appreciate. Third, regarding his being in the delivery room - I disagree with sadgirl. I don't believe that being a sperm donor gives someone a right to be in the room. I am the one who is pregnant, I am the one whose body is going to spit this kid out, and I am the one who decides - apart from medical personnel - who is going to be present to watch. Presence or absence in the delivery room does not affect the ability of the child to bond to another person. And if it stresses out the person going through delivery (ME), they have absolutely no right to be anywhere near me. Stress = complications = more difficult delivery. Why put myself out for someone else's pleasure? You should decide whether his presence will stress you out or whether it will comfort you. If his presence will stress you out more than his absence, then don't let him come. If his absence will stress you out more, invite him along for the ride. I don't think you should use his presence in the delivery room as leverage to make him work the relationship out. It won't work, and will cause friction. He will lie and tell you what you want to hear, you will let him be present, and when you find out he lied, you will be in more distress. And he will blame you for 'twisting his arm', making you feel like its your fault he lied to you. I do understand the temptation - you want the loyal version of him back and can't see a way to get there. But you know it's a bad idea. Its ok to entertain bad ideas, as long as we recognize them as such and don't act on them. We're all only human. And I do understand where the question about his presence in the delivery room comes from. When I first found out I was pregnant, my relationship was on the rocks and I was expecting to be a single mom. I asked my sister tentatively whether I ought to tell him about my doctor's appointments and at delivery and etc. She told me what I'm telling you now: At the end of the day, his presence in the delivery room is about YOU, and NOT about his 'rights'. His future relationship and contact with the baby will come later. His absence in the room is not going to prevent the child from recognizing the guy as his biological father years from now. The last thing I'll say tonight: if you can still your mind for even a moment tonight, it will do wonders to calm you and help you think clearly. Sit quietly in a comfortable position. Put your hands out in front of you, palms up and closed. Feel the tension in your body, along with all your pregnancy-related aches and pains. Open your palms. As you open them, feel your body relax a little. Mentally let go of the things you're clinging to. Realize that with closed palms, there's no space for new and good things. Good things can pa__s by, within your reach, but you can't reach out to grab them because your hands are full. They are occupied. Open your hands, so that you can be free to partake of new and good things. Let those expectations go. Let him go. Embrace the coming of your child. *hug*

 

brooklynn - October 29

gummibear, thank you so much. you're like an angel. i just want to read your response over and over. you are so right. i've been talking about it with friends so much, i don't want to anymore, I don't want to push them away, cause it can be depressing. i have a councillor my dr set up for me, and they should be calling me soon. what you said about him putting himself first (which he's always done) another woman second and me third or fourth, really hit home. cause that's what happened and i don't want to be like that. he's one of those guy's who only cares about his image, and his good job. He does remind me of one of those men who will always cheat on their wife, I just want to believe it's not true. But everyone, all his long time friends and family told me he's been like that forever and they don't even think he'll ever change. I just wish he would. Thank you so much. You have helped me more than you know.

 

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