Feeling So Alone Right Now

7 Replies
Mealy - May 19

I can't believe I am going through this again. I am currently divorcing my husband with whom I've had 3 kids with. Our oldest child is 14, then 13 and 7. For years my ex ran the streets, used drugs, in and out of jail. Finally I just got too fed up to deal with it anymore. The constant breaking up, taking him back, him screwing up over and over, making me believe he has changed, etc. I'm tired and I'm done. So I meet someone else who had a shady past. He convinced me he was ready to settle down and be part of a family. He accepted my three kids with open arms. We lived together for about 4 months. My kids really really grown to like him alot. They really wanted him to be their step dad. The week after I found out I was pregnant (I am 9 weeks now), his cousin got shot and killed. He kinda lost it. He took off and deserted me for almost a week. He didn't call or anything. I was confused because he was so happy to be having a baby with me. The worse part was that he took my vehicle with him! So I was left without transportation all that time. He finally showed up and I had his bags packed and ready for him to get out. Now he is trying to prove himself and convince me he will never do anything like that again. That he needs to learn to talk to people because he has trouble opening up. Well, thats fine, I know alot of folks who have a hard time expressing themselves. My problem is that, I am pregnant. I am the one who needs the emotional support ESPECIALLY after all the years of h__l I already went through with basically raising my kids alone! I don't need another man running the streets everytime something goes wrong in their life. When do I get what I need? I need that shoulder to cry on sometimes, I need that financial support, I need to learn how to trust again, I need alot of things also but I feel that I'm not getting them! I can't deal with another weak man. Now yesterday he calls me depressed because he is tired of staying with his mother. I didn't know what to say because I am not ready to let him back into my home. He needs to do some more proving in my opinion. Talk is cheap. So now I have not heard from him. Whereas for the last couple of weeks, he couldn't bare not to talk to me for too long. And today he isn't calling at all after just last night he says he is depressed? So here I am worrying again thinking he is running the streets looking for ways to overcome his depressed state. I just wanted to vent because I am just so exhausted from dealing with selfish men. They only think about themselves and how THEY are feeling and not what the woman in his life is feeling. Its not fair. And then they beg and beg for forgiveness and we always forgive. I'm tired of forgiving. Just tired, pregnant, and feeling alone.

 

April - May 19

This is a different situation. Do you think he would've done what he did if his cousin hadn't gotten shot? I could see being really upset if he just left for no reason. But it almost sounds like he just dealt with his cousin's death the wrong way. And although pregnancy is hard, I think the sudden death of someone you care about is harder. Death isn't just something going wrong, for many people it's traumatic. I think maybe you should give him the benefit of the doubt on this one. I know all about selfish men... and how tiring it is to deal with them but have you thought about how he feels with losing a family member? I'm not saying you're selfish, because pregnancy brings on a LOT of emotions, and sometimes you can't help but only think of how you are feeling, but I think it sounds like he's feeling really bad too. You should, of course, do what you think you need to do, and what is best for you, but please don't feel like he just deserted you for no reason, or is completely selfish, because from what you said, I don't think that is the case. Now if you knew my ex... you'd know what selfish is... haha. He dumped me 3 months ago (I'm currently 31 weeks).. said he didn't want a relationship... now he's engaged.. he's also avoided me since he broke up with me... and here's the kicker... he doesn't see anything wrong with that! HELLOOOOOOO... I'm carrying your baby and you're avoiding me for NO REASON even though you KNOW it's causing me stress and stress isn't good for the baby... THAT is selfish...

 

Mealy - May 19

Yes, I understand that losing a loved one, especially so tragically, can really mess you up. This is why I kept urging him to talk to me about his feelings. He keeps saying its hard for him to talk about his feelings but that he would try so that we can work on this relationship. Now today he called me this morning to say he was staying home from work because he had a sore throat. I call him when I got to work, and his sister and grandmother said he went to work. Now here we go again with conflicting stories. He finally called me by the way, this afternoon saying he didn't go to work but went to buy something for his daughter. I said "I thought you were sick with a sore throat!" He said, "I am sick, I can barely swallow!" I told him here we go again with his lack of communication. I am thinking he his home sick while he is fromping around shopping? I call his house to see how he feels and he's not there? Something is wrong with him. And today I doubt has anything to do with the death of his cousin. I feel he is just lying because he was depressed and probably resorted to going back to drugs. And yes, thats very selfish. Forgetting all about the life we created together. And I'm sorry to hear that your ex doesn't want a relationship. I wonder why men only act like this once we are pregnant and not before? I don't understand them at all! And here we are stuck with the emotional stress of doing it alone. I DON'T GET IT.

 

April - May 19

Yeah... it still just sounds to me like your guy just needs all the help and support he can get right now. Even though the contradicting stories might not be part of the cousin's death, the drug relapse probably is. And he's probably going to need your help to get through that. I've had plenty of friends who have had battles with drugs. They'd constantly go back and forth.. sober.. unsober.. it's really hard, especially when something tragic happens, you get kicked out, and you just want to forget about everything. Drugs would be sounding really good to him right about now. Communication IS really hard for most guys I've noticed. So if he really IS trying, be patient. He's not going to be able to learn to communicate over night. Things like that take a LOT of time. But again... if helping him out is going to stress you out too much. Don't do it. Your main concern right now is the health of your baby. Just make sure you're doing what's right for the both of you. And thank you... it's okay about my ex... I'm actually glad I'm not with him now. The only reason I care about the engagement was that he only waited 3 months to get engaged.. and that's a kick in the behind.. the baby isn't even born yet! He's definately not who I thought he was, and I can do MUCH better. Funny part is... this girl is only 20 (he's 27) and she's been engaged before and rumor has it she cheated on her ex-fiance a lot. So if that's true, he'll get what's coming to him anyway. And I'll be living happy with my baby girl!

 

jap - May 19

Mealy, You are much in a situation like myself meaning 3 children and one by a different father. I am a__suming you are in your late 20's or early 30's since you have a 14 year old. When you are in this situation you have more to work through than that of a young mother left pregnant with her first child or a mother with a very young child left pregnant. You have a 14 year old and they are going through a stage in life where you have to give them guidance, yet you feel as though you neglected to be responsible in your choices as a grown adult. You face multiple situations that extend beyond "I am pregnant and he left or isn't acting right". I think it is important to remember every choice you make from this day forward does effect your children and their views. I strongly urge you to seek any help to get you and your partner through the hard times. If he is having a hard time dealing with the death of a loved one, maybe you can be a support system and find a group to help him deal. He would probably feel you truly care if you attended with him. Patience is the hardest thing to have when you have gone through a bad relationship and you are right back in a position that is not under the right circ_mstances. I feel it is so important to salvage and do what it takes to show your children that adults have problems, but you have to work at them and through them. They look to you as a role model and will respect you for standing up to the challenge. I mean how will things look if: my mom was with our dad, had a baby with man #2 he's gone,and now she is dating this man, that man..... At least try to work through things and if it falls then you can honestly know in your heart and your children will see that mom is a respectful person who did not just turn away and keep on moving to the next man. It does not seem fair when you feel you are doing all the forgiving and your the one pregnant, but you've been a mother long enough to know men and women do not think alike. Try to have patience and be the best person you can be without be fool hearted. Some men no matter how old just don't get it and it takes them a little longer, but the good ones come around and do the right thing. Good luck.

 

jap - May 19

By the way my kids are 16, 12, 8, and I have a 4 month old by the man I was involved with. Try to have patience. Our experiences in life make it hard because we know what right and wrong is is and we just don't have time to raise another child who should be the grown adult in the situation.

 

Mealy - May 20

Wow, Jap! Your situation IS just like mine. Its funny because I am in the process of divorcing my husband who is the father of my first three. And I vowed not to get involved with another man for a very long time. The new guy came along unexpectedly and I found myself so quickly involved with him. And now a baby on the way. And you are exactly right when you said that I feel like I am always the one forgiving all the time. I feel like why do I always have to support someone, being there for someone, having patience, etc. None of these men that claim to love me are ever there for me when I am going through rough times. And yes, men and women DO think differently. And to me, its simple math. You make a baby with me, you help me support it. Whats so hard? Why does everything else in their lives seem to come first? I realize he lost his cousin tragically but his cousin led a dangerous lifestyle. He took chances. I am still here and alive with a new life inside me. I guess you're right, I don't understand what he is going through. I've lost people that were close to me but through sickness. Not murder. So I guess thats very different. Jap, I will TRY to be more patient and understanding. But I am so emotional right now and very bitter that every night, I go to bed alone wondering "why me?" again. My soon-to-be ex-husband left me so many times to run the streets, not seeming to care about his children. And you know what, I asked the new boyfriend what was it that he needed me to do to make him feel better. He said I was making him feel better just by listening to him talk. I offer my time, my services, I don't know what else to offer. I guess like you said, wait and see. Have more patience. I'll try Jap, thanks for sharing with me.

 

jap - May 20

Mealy, please email me at [email protected] I have a great thing for you to read. Please remember self pity is the most worthless emotion, although we all struggle with it from time to time just don't get to caught up in it.

 

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