He Cheated Lied And Now Its Just Me And The Baby

11 Replies
Mercyluvbebe - July 23

Here goes... I was madly in love with what i thought was the love of my life for the last three years. We we forced to have a long distance relationship due to the fact that he worked in the military...he is american...im australian. It was SO difficult but I loved him so much and waited for him to finish his time in the military. Once he finished he came to "take me back to his home" ....I fell pregnant almost 5 months ago...and not long ago found out that he had cheated on me and had had a kid with his ex and had lied and kept the truth from me for the entirity of our relationship. I love him...but i cant ever look at him the same way again. I tried to take him back but it hurts so much...i think about what he's done over and over again...i feel anger, hurt, resentment,....and of course i feel worse knowing that im now pregnant with a lying mans child. I had high hopes and I loved him with all my heart but enough is enough and I had to end it all. It hasnt been too long and I feel lonely, scared and hurt...but have i done the right thing. I love my baby and I cant wait for him to be born but im so scared of going through it alone.... Any advice would be great....I need something to get my hopes up..will things get better??? Mercy

 

Franny - July 24

Oh boy, what a mess, so sorry. I can fully understand you not wanting to be with him. Denying his other child is pretty unforgivable, not only to you but especially to his child. Does his ex know about you? How old is his other child and what does he tell you now?

 

gummibear - July 24

My dear, of course things will get better. It sounds like you really need your mom (or equivalent, a motherly or grandmotherly figure) to lean on, to help you ride the rocky waves. Yes, you did the right thing. We all want to be with the father of our children, in the ideal sense. But, as your instincts tell you, the benefit of being with him is not worth the cost to you. And for the last 5 months, what costs you now also costs your child. Your priorities have changed now, as a pregnant soon-to-be mommy. Here, trying to stay with him comes at the cost of your self-esteem. Regardless of what Hollywood says, romantic love is not worth raising a child whose primary role model is a weak, self-doubting mother who is unsure of herself. Your child deserves more than that, and deserves a confident and happy role model. You made the right decision. Know it, own it, and look back and be proud of yourself for having the courage to choose the 'harder' road. Many women never get as far as you have. And, you're not alone. You will find friends, wonderful subst_tute family, either online or offline. And you'll continue to make good choices for yourself and your child. Be proud of yourself. And, find a motherly type to hug. *wink*

 

Mercyluvbebe - July 25

:( thanks guys ...i cried when i read all those nice things you've said. His ex knows nothing about me or my baby. All I know is that he's other child is over one and that my ex's family have constant contact with her..that in itself also breaks my heart. Im trying to keep my head up and tell myself that things will get better but god it hurts! My parents have been great...but its not the same as having a strong man by your side you know? He says now that in order for us to wrk I have to just move on and love him for who he is..that he's not a bad person..Ive tried to give him another chance but when i get upset or im sad he doesnt give me the security and rea__surence that i believe i need. He still thinks about himself first ....He's been living here for 5 months and he tells me that he has turned his back on his family (in the US) to be with me :'( that makes me feel horrible..and guilty and as if im not enough. thanks for the advice guys...and your right gummibear...I do need to be proud...getting to that point is just so hard.

 

gummibear - July 25

True, parents aren't the same as having a strong man by your side. But, a weak and selfish man is no subst_tute either, and having one around keeps you from finding a good man to support you. And there *are* good men out there. You cannot turn that frog into a prince, no matter the fairy tale. Frogs can mature into princes, but that's something we cannot control, no matter that we pucker our lips to kiss until we're sore. Be wary of the man who wrongs you and then tells you to 'just get over it', because that one isn't looking out for you. Whether he is a bad person or not, he still is (or should be) accountable for bad behavior. I suggest looking up the definition of narcissist and check him against it; narcissists never change and never apologize. Identifying one helps you deal with them and come to terms. Also, if there is a next time, when he blames you for turning his back on his family, (sweetly) tell him you want to meet them, or be introduced by phone, webcam, etc. It sounds like you would prefer to have contact with his parents & siblings etc. When he tells you that you need to accept him as he is, tell him you need to know him - all of him - including the family that he is hiding you from. Practice being a tape recording. When he relents, you will know he is a little more serious - and taking you more seriously - than he is doing now. Mind you, it'd take more than that to show he's transformed into a prince, because there's nothing to say he doesn't have 10 other children out there. But it's a start. Don't let him make you feel bad. You did the right thing. Check that definition. And, one last thing - if he's military, his SSN should be on his picture ID. Be sure you have it so that you can pursue child support. The U.S. military is very strict about men dodging that sort of thing. *hugs*

 

Mercyluvbebe - July 25

thank you gummibear... :'( He actually left the country today...not before making me feel miserable, telling me that he'd done everything (which he most certainly had not) and telling me that i should make sacrifices too...(i.e. leave my home to live with him in the states where i have no family and no one)...if i dont trust him now how am i meant to leave the country for him?? He is convinced that by him leaving he is giving me time to think things through and that i will come to my senses..can you believe it???He says that we can work things out on different sides of the planet.?!?!?! ummm..how about NO! He's gone for good..and there is no way that ill ever want him back in my life....He has broken me like i never thought possible. I just need to get into that 'feel better mode'. I cry and think things over and over so much....it hurts so badly. All i ever did was love him... A frog gummibear??? I found myself an ugly toad! and that toad will never change!Your right though he is a narcissist..he can only ever think of himself and Im just hurting myself by thinking that he'd put me and the baby first. He has hurt me and stressed me out through my entire pregnancy....i think that its best that i have no contact with him or his family. That would only stress me and the baby out even more. I have met one of his sisters....and talked his older sister and mother...but i feel left out..i feel like they lied to me and kept his secret too..... I think its best for me to forget about all of that... Just me and my little baby boy now :( As for child support, im not sure if i want to take his money...anything to do with him makes me sick now. thank you gummibear....you have some wise words to share!

 

gummibear - July 26

I certainly understand your not wanting to pursue child support, international waters aside. As long as your child does not suffer for it, by all means... but keep in mind that child support is the child's right. You have months to decide whether to pursue child support or not, but I mentioned it now so that you can prepare, and have the option available should you choose to exercise it. Ultimately, I would weigh the financial benefit to my child vs the emotional detriment to him stemming from emotional stress of the mother caused by seeking the support and having ongoing contact with the father. As I said, what costs you, costs your child. Re: not contacting his family, it is your choice. The people most important to your child will be you and you, and those you choose to allow near your child. If he truly is a narcissist, DSM-IV level, you (and his child) are better off avoiding his clan. Otherwise your child will be abused or will end up like him, abusing others. It sounds like his family's loyalty lies with him anyway - it is in many ways to be expected. Regardless, though, happiness does not appear to reside in the US for you, my dear, not under these terms. You're wise to decline his invitation. Re: his leaving, when someone believes everything revolves around him, it is easy to conclude that you will 'come to your senses' by his departure. You will be so morose and upset that you will be motivated to leave your home, realizing that you cannot possibly live without him. It is a move of manipulation, not one of love. And upon making that fatal error, you will have entrapped yourself (and your child) into a life of abuse and neglect, away from family and friends and any sort of support. He sees no problem in his behavior, and therefore your lack of trust is *your* problem to get over, not his to re-earn. Therefore, any ongoing problems you have in this relationship will be *your* fault, not his, because narcissists do not take responsibility for their actions. You are smart to see the irrationality of it, regardless of your feelings for this man. And it's ok to love a toad - it just means you're a loving person. It also means you will love again, when this is all over. Do not think in terms of breaking and broken. It is a myth, to give him such power. (Outside of physical abuse) others don't break us, we break ourselves - when people don't behave the way we expect, or things don't play out the way we want. The sooner you are able to come to terms and let go of the hopes & expectations you had - about him and your future together - the sooner you'll recover. The a___logy is that of water - it cannot be broken, yet it is very strong. It does not have 'hard' expectations; it goes with the flow, and rocks go right through it. Embrace your instincts, and know its not the end of the world - just the end of 'certain' expectations you had. When you've let that part go, you can make space for the positive to come.

 

Mercyluvbebe - July 26

Thank you gummibear... :') He tried calling in the morning from god knows what country and I told him to leave me alone and I hung up...His emails and calls only bring me down..which is why im changing my contact details. I loved what you said about how he left and expects me to follow .....'making a move out of manipulatioin, not love' ....your so right! As much as it hurts each day is getting easier...im more angry at him than anything now but I cry less...the only thing thats worrying me is that from the moment he left my baby has been kicking less...does he miss his dad?Is he more relaxed now? or am I too stressed out? it worries me...could me mood really affect his movement? Your not a counsellor or a psychologist by any chance????....cuz your good!

 

Mercyluvbebe - July 28

Guys I ve had my good days..but ever since my now ex bf left ive been feeling real lonely :( I try keep myself busy and try not to think about him but it hurts. WHen will this go away? do you have any tips for me??? I hate the fact that I miss him...but i know he's not good for me. I feel like i cant start my life again until the baby is born and we do it together..is that normal? any advice would be handy...

 

gummibear - July 28

Thanks Mercy. No, I’m not a counselor or psychologist. I just have a big family with a fair share of drama, and I’ve tried to learn from their mistakes. I’ve also had my own fair share of BS to learn from. And there’s always more, heaps more. The advice I gave you are just things I’ve found helpful in my own life, observations about life, and rules or guidelines that have kept me out of trouble. And, I’m familiar with narcissists, having them in my family. But I’ve been blessed with great friends. I thought of you this past weekend, and was wondering how you were doing. I wouldn’t worry about the baby kicking less, but you could always call the doctor to check. Google “baby” “kick” and “emotions”. There’s a thread on baby center about babies kicking too much / too little. Would provide the link but the forum does not permit it. Life didn’t stop because he left, or you’d be dead. :p Come dear, you’ve lived life without him before, and you will again (in fact, you’re doing it right now). The hurt goes away when you are ready, when you’ve learned whatever it is you’re supposed to learn, and not before. I can’t speak for others, but for me, life is about experiences, the good and the bad. It makes accepting the c___p people dole out a lot easier, because I know things happen for a reason. And it's normal to miss him. It's normal to have feelings for him; we're not robots. But the difference is whether you act on your feelings or not. I usually do not pull out the ice cream when going through a breakup, but I find that when I start getting emotional and want to dwell on an ex, I can count on certain friends to call to remind me of all the c___p the ex has provided me. It usually stops the emotional miserable “oh I miss him so much” and refuels my anger, and gets me going again. Anger can be healthy, as a sign that something is seriously wrong in a situation. Just make sure the things causing the anger get dealt with, one way or another, so that anger does not become buried and become depression (anger turned inward) or get out of hand and become rage, or simmer for too long and become resentment. Bitterness sucks, and not what God wants for us, in my opinion. :)

 

Mercyluvbebe - July 30

Thank you once again gummibear, I googled what you told me to google and read up a lot of interesting facts...the baby has started kicking a lot more regularly now which is such a relief. I know that I can live without him..I know that he's not good for me..what i dont understand is how i can still be in love with a man that isn't right for me..i always thought i was a lot smarter than that. He's tried contacting me every way possible...telling me that he's coming back that he wants to do things right, that he made a mistake...but I refuse to give in...each day is making me stronger and with advice from my family friends and ppl such as yourself I am confident that Ive done the right thing. You are a wise woman and I thank you tremendously for taking the time to share your experiences and your advice.I hope I overcome the hardships like you have. Thank you :')

 

gummibear - August 2

No problem, glad to help! Glad to hear the baby's doing well too. You said "how i can still be in love with a man that isn't right for me..i always thought i was a lot smarter than that." Ha, I can answer that, that's called pride. It may be a bit of naivite also. It stems from thinking that women who fall for liars and cheats ought to know better, in a sort of 'blame the victim' strain of thought. Prior to now, this would 'never' happen to you, because you 'knew' better (than those other women). Its not illogical. Its more comforting to approach relationships this way than to realize how many cheaters and liars there are out there, and to realize that there's a good chance it may happen to you. Its pretty hard to approach relationships freely giving trust if people are mindful that they can be deceived, and how! When I had the unpleasant experience of being the other woman, at first I was ashamed and afraid to tell anyone. But once I realized that it *wasn't* my fault I didn't detect his deception earlier, and *wasn't* my fault for simply having feelings for another person, I broke my silence. I then learned that *many* women I knew had OW experiences - I don't consider myself naive, but I was so surprised how common it was. Your pride, and your trust in your ability to read people, is probably taking a beating right now, and its hard to deal with. And then, the higher your pride, the more you want to deny that the guy is a cheat/liar/bad whatever. BUT, to deny it effectively, you need to look at all the signs pointing to his being the good guy you thought he was originally. And then the mushy feelings roll in. I'm not saying that all your feelings for this guy originated due to pride, as you did date him for three years. But that pride can stand in your way of letting go of someone you've decided isn't good for you. Once I realized my pride was standing in my way, it was a lot easier to let go. Then I just had to deal with the residual trust issues - feeling comfortable with trusting my judgment about men. Just remember, the hardships are there to make us stronger. And new things always come up - different, sometimes easier and sometimes not, but challenging. It makes life interesting, to say the least. When I'm not overwhelmed by them, I try to look at these experiences as opportunities to grow, and flex emotional muscles. Plus, there's always prayer, and my faith in the man upstairs *shameless plug followed by huge grin*

 

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