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hope - May 11th, 2005 6:55 AM

The biological father of my baby who is due next month is self centered, selfish, and is just such a pathetic creature that when I see him, I just feel bad for him. I hate that he has been so irresponsible and careless and I hate that he has never even tried to contact me to ask how the pregnancy and the baby is. He immediately asked some other girl to be his girlfriend the moment he found out I was keeping the baby. Then I look back and realize that I am wasting my time on feeling bad for someone so pathetic. His own mother is the one contacting me and asking about my welfare and trying to compensate for her son’s stupidity. I do not want to deprive my baby of grandparents who want to show my baby love. But I don’t want my baby around a drug user and dealer, which is what the biological father has become after he left our relationship. Now, I am trying to stay away from him and I am hoping that my child will never be under his influence. Although that seems almost impossible because the city I live in is small. Ever since I turned 18, I have been pregnant and I had to postpone my education in a great university to keep the baby. I decided to move out of the country to raise the baby, even knowing that running away from the problem will only make it worse. How can I have his parents in my baby’s life but not him?? How can I handle keeping him away from my own baby??? am i doing the right thing????


April - May 11th, 2005 10:39 AM

Wow... it sounds like you're describing my ex... except for the drug dealer part, that and his mother doesn't try to contact me... she just lets his new girlfriend live with them and acts like nothing is wrong... anyway to answer your question, there really isn't anything you can do to keep the father from the child. You can, however, slow it down by not putting his name on the birth certificate. Then he will have to take a DNA test to establish his paternity. I wouldn't suggest it though, because he will not have to pay child support or anything, and in my opinion, get off scott free... If you are worried about the well-being of your child, and he presses for visitation, you can ask for supervised visits. Then he will never be alone with the child. One question though, how do you know he will even want to see your child if he hasn't tried to contact you at all? I do have to say that skipping the country really isn't a good idea. You're most likely going to need help with this baby, and you're going to need support for you. I suggest staying with your family. They can help you. Everything will work out. Just remember that at some point you are going to have to put personal feelings aside and really think about what is best for your baby. Your baby WILL need a father figure... although it doesn't have to be the biological father, it could even be your father... but studies have shown that children without father figures have problems later in life.


hope - May 12th, 2005 6:58 AM

Hey april thanks for your response.i wish i can be home with my family, it would be much easier with their help but i have a chance of better education where i am now and i want to pursue that. You got me thinking that maybe i am being shelfish by trying to keep the baby away. then again, having a drug dealer as a father figure isn't the best for the baby either. i'm having a baby girl and i don't worry much about having a guy to show her how to deal with problems. I would love to hear from you again, this is the first i've heard about supervised visits. thanks lady!


April - May 12th, 2005 1:14 PM

Yeah... I'm having a girl too, and although I would LOVE to keep her father away so I could raise her how I want to (cause heaven knows I don't want her to turn out like him), I know that that isn't what's best for her. Even though he won't need to teach her things that dads teach their boys, little girls need their daddy's too. My baby's father smokes weed, and I am worried that he will do it with her in the house. I don't want her anywhere near it. I've been drug free my entire life, and I know that when you're exposed to drugs when you're little, you're most likely to do them when you get older. I am NOT okay with that. So I completely understand where you're coming from. I don't think you have to worry too much about the dealing unless he's carrying drugs on him when he's with her. THAT would be a BIG problem with me. I suggest you try to go for supervised visits (if he even wants visitation), although you might have to get proof of your concerns, which would probably send the guy to jail. I'm not really sure how all that works, but I would talk to a lawyer, or call domestic relations and see what they say. They would definately know more about it than I do and I'm sure they could help you with your situation.


hope - May 13th, 2005 1:40 AM

It's hard to accept that he even opted for abortion when he found out. I was the one who went through the sacrificing and the pregnancy and all the other shit i had to put up with with other people, and it makes me so angry knowing that he will eventually be able to receive parental rights in the end. i can't even accept that he won't be out of my life for good. you are so strong for being mature about our situation. i could only learn from that. THANKS april.


April - May 13th, 2005 10:50 AM

Trust me I know EXACTLY how you feel, and I definately wasn't this strong at first. My ex asked me whether I was going to keep mine or not. I said "ummm YES." He knows he couldn't sway me, so he didn't try. I found out later that he got the girlfriend before me pregnant too, and rumer has it he made her get an abortion, but I don't know how true that is. I was just so mad. He wouldn't let me tell anyone for the first 3 1/2 months, so I had to go through the morning sickness/emotional stage all alone (he was never around), and then he leaves me, and then avoids me (cause that's how he "deals" with breakups). I thought how can someone get a girl pregnant and then completely avoid her. Does he expect to ignore this whole pregnancy and then all of the sudden become super dad once the baby was born? I was NOT okay with that. I have to go through everything, my whole life revolves around this baby, everything I do affects her. Meanwhile he's out having fun with his new girlfriend, not even thinking about his daughter or what he's putting me through. I was so angry. Plus I was afraid she'd turn out like him, a selfish, self-centered, immature liar. So I didn't want her to have anything to do with him so she wouldn't turn out that way, I could raise her the way I wanted. But the more I talked to people the more I realized that she will be spending most of her time with me, so she WILL be raised the way I want her to be. I just have to take extra care to teach her what's right and wrong so she won't pick up on her dad's bad habits. Also I was worried about custody, but I've been to several custody websites, and found that no judge in his right mind would take an infant from his mother(unless she's unfit), and then when they grow up, they leave the child with whoever the child is bonded with most. One thing you have to be careful of, though, is that the judge may give the child to whichever parent will let the other parent see the child. So that's why I decided to get over my anger towards him, and just let him see her. Then he could never say that I tried to keep her from him. Plus she'll be more bonded with me anyway so I can't wait for the day when he has her and she runs up to him crying "mommy mommy mommy" cause she wants me. Both of our guys will regret what they've done in the end... I'm sure. Oh and to top this all off... I was at a family outing, and my great-aunt asks me in front of my whole family when i'm going to get married.. and I said "i don't even have a boyfriend" she says "well your belly says different... you shouldn't be having one night stands" HOW EMBARRASSING!! It's not MY fault my boyfriend (who I lived with for a year) left me! and he doesn't have to go through ANY of this because he doesn't have a watermelon stomach! It really does drive me nuts.. haha... but... he'll get his in the end. What goes around comes around!


hope - May 13th, 2005 7:37 PM

april, thanks for sharing your strength. It feels safer to know that we aren't alone.


April - May 13th, 2005 9:31 PM

You're welcome :) It always made me feel better to come on here and see that I wasn't the only one having problems. Yet it makes me sick to know that there are soooo many irresponsible guys out there. But we will both do great with our daughters :) and I'm so happy to hear that your mother is being supportive. I don't know what I would've done without my mom. She's been so great through this whole thing, ever since she found out. She is my best friend and I hope that one day my daughter and I will have the bond that my mother and I have.


Becky - June 6th, 2005 7:01 PM

That sounds almost similiar to my situation. I am only 17 and the father of my baby said that it isn't his because I cheated on him one time. But the concieve date is no where near the day that the "escapade" happened. My ex (babys daddy) is currently avoiding me and going out with girls, not being concerned about me. His parent's are saying that it isn't his either, and there is no support from that either. My family doesn't want the father to be totally out of the picture. My dad was one of those fathers and he just came back in my life 4 months before I became pregnant. So I can kind of relate to the question. My suggestion to you is to get a DNA test done before you put the last name on the birth certificate. Or if you want to just put your last name on the certificate. That way he will have to take the test and possibly pay for child support. It all depends on the state. I know for sure that I am taking the father for child support. He is of age to be taken w/o parental consent. He's 19! Good luck with everything everyone, I am outta here.


strength101 - June 6th, 2005 7:31 PM

If you get an attorney even if provided by the state you can request a hair test that will test for drugs and if he has ever been arrested for drug use or sales produce that as evidence. The hair test goes back for 90 days, if that reveals that he has used drugs the courts may order him to treatment before allowing him any visits with the child, depending on the state laws. His parents do have rights and many states now have grandparent rights. I would recommend that you allow the grandparents rights but have it in the court papers, not just a verbal. Police can not make them or the father return the child to you if there is not documention of the custodial parent and when the visitation ends and begins. The police will say it becomes a matter of the court without a legal document. There was a situation here where the mother let the father take the baby for the day since he asked to spend time witht he baby and then he would not give the baby back. When he did not return the baby the mother called the police, but had nothing to prove she was the custodial parent. It would be better if you had orders for the grandparents to be responsible for the child in their care and maybe the father can visit in their home, not allowing him the right to remove the child from their custody during scheduled visitations. Work something out and get it resolved before the baby is born. You can have an attorney do a consent to order without going to court. A consent to order is filed with the courts on record. It is better than him taking you to court to get his rights and then turn the table and say you prevented him from having a relationship. Always try to be the better person and keep your baby best interest first. Try not to let the hurt he placed cloud your judgement. The baby should always come first. Good luck


Scarlett - June 8th, 2005 11:56 AM

You have two choices. You can have him terminate his parental rights by consent, which is complicated and will involved them investigating you and your boyfriend. Or when the child is born you can sue for legal custody. Or, the third option is you can move to another country, but good luck with that. And if your going take me with you! I want to escape my ex too!


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