Husband Chooses Single Life Over Family

5 Replies
chirpy - August 19

I'm in my early 30's and have been married just a year. We were together for 7 years before getting married. Recently my husband has decided that he wants to live the single life with his single friends by going out to the bars and not coming home, calling or if he does, he's drunk and comes in at 5 or 6 in the morning. Since we have gotten engaged it has gotten progressively worse. I think he thinks that since we're married, I'm trapped and he can do whatever he wants. Our pregnancy was planned and he claims he wants this so badly, but what it comes down to is that his single friends and partying always come first, and I'm not stupid to know it's not going to change when a baby comes. I don't know what to do and haven't told anyone about what is going on because I'm ashamed. I packed up his clothes and told him to move out and am now coping with the fact that I am probably going to be going through this pregnancy and raising a child on my own. This has been a habitual pattern and he claims he will change, quit drinking, quit partying, but after a week of good behavior he goes right back to doing it again and then thinks I'm the one with the problem. When he's not drinking or partying he is a really good person and would make a great father, but I can't live with someone who keeps doing this to me. What do I do? How do you get someone to change? I am so happy to be having a baby and I will raise it on my own but I cry when I think of the things I will now be doing on my own such as my first ultrasound on Monday or prenatal classes. I feel so out of control. Most of my life I have control over; I have a great career, am very indepedent but I have no control in what he does and it seems like there is nothing I can do the change this. I told him not to even bother talking to me until he goes for help for his drinking and can show me that me and this baby are his priority, not his single friends and the bar. What would you do?

 

ash2 - August 19

i agree with yo 100 percent. my father is an alcoholic, and my mom said untill he can get help, then she will not be back in his life. he has a serious illness, and untill he gets help, it will not only be a big problem for you, but for your child ! a child looks up to their parents, and more than likely will mimic any thing that they do . you do not want this! out of all of my parents children , all are drinkers except for me ! there are 4. so trust me that he could influence your children. he may be a great father in other aspects, but actually being there with his child is a BIG aspect and a must in being a father. i am very sorry to hear you are going through this, but stand your ground and he wil realize soon that you are not playing games. children come first .

 

Skyeblue - August 20

Hi Chirpy, I have a 1.5 year old and before we got pregnant we used to go out and party all the time. Of course things change for us as soon as we got the news. We love socializing, partying, going out and driking so when I was too tired or whatever to do so, I always encouraged my husband to go out and have fun anyway. The maybe happened once or twice a week. Now if he were so hung over the next day that he would lay in bed till the next evening, I think I would have put a stop to the whole going out bit, but fortunately it was not the case. We would wake up at a decent hour on Sat or Sunday morning and do something of my choice. Just a thought so please don't get me wrong: You have known your husband 7 years and it is only recently this behavior began and this conincides with your pregnancy...do you think he might see becoming a father a huge responsibility (and it is!!) and therefore trying to live out a bit more of his boyish behavior...? Do you think he is an alcoholic? I would not jump necessarliy to that conclusion from reading your one post, maybe I am wrong. Does he go to your dr appts and parenting cla__ses? Good luck and hope to hear from you soon!

 

ACesPlaceToo - August 20

Hi--Let me give you some insight from my side of the fence. I am in my 40's, and I am divorced from one alcoholic and in the process of leaving another long-term relationship with another alcoholic. (I guess if I am not an expert at relationships with alcoholics, I am at least an avid amateur!) In both cases, neither of these "gems" ever turned out to be anything worth having. Yeah, the first one was a real schmuck, but the second was a great guy--for awhile. Two master's degrees, an expert in his field, a PhD candidate, two kids, divorced from a jerky lazy woman--but, ya know what?? Once he started drinking, he gave up his house, his car, his kids, his family, his career (he lost 7 jobs drinking--yep, SEVEN), and now he's BenefitsBoy. He's trying to qualify for disability so he can get an $1800/month "drinking stipend", as my friends call it. Meanwhile, I have lost my place to live, I now work 2 fulltime jobs--37 hours at one job, 35-40 at another--and it goes on an on. Drop kick the boy. If he grows up, fine. You will know it, because you will have a chance to chase him around for child support. He might get it. Good if he does. However, I have watched a model citizen, a gifted expert in his field, a family man, and a father because a manipulative drunk who steals from me an others to get booze--he gets drunk within hours of leaving the drunktank. He is coming out on Tuesday, and he's irate that I won't take him back in my house for the xillionth time in 3 years. Go on with your life. Take care of yourself and your baby. He has to decide for himself if he wants to be a man or an [email protected]@. You are right on track--make him show you that you are the priority. It's hard, but I have wasted another 5 years of my life with a drunk. Now I'm in my 40's--no kids, no husband, restarting my career, no house, etc. Don't make the same mistake. Time is pa__sing.

 

chirpy - August 20

Do I think he's an alcoholic? Well, I believe that people fall on a continuum of alcoholism. I believe that he has a drinking problem and is going down that slippery slope of becoming a full fledged alcoholic. When your drinking starts to effect your family and your work, there's a problem. It's starting to effect his work as he runs a business and has slept in and opened it late because he was hung over. And it's not like I don't encourage him to go out and have fun. I'm perfectly ok with him going to his pool nights, poker, or fishing weekends with friends. But what I do have a problem with is when he drinks so much that he doesn't come home or comes home barely walking, especially when he goes to the bar. Even he has said that once he has a couple, he finds it hard to quit and wants more. When we first met, going to the bars and drinking was his life and this happened for two years till I said "Me or the single life" and I was prepared to walk away. At that point he really improved and he became a lot more responsible and put our relationship as his priority for the next five or six years. He still slipped at times, but not what he was like before. But since we got engaged and the wedding was set, he returned to old behaviors. I don't want my child to see his/her father not coming home or coming home so drunk he can barely walk. I never grew up that way and I don't intend to have my child experience this. Is me and this baby not important enough for him to give up this lifestyle? He's in his 30s and there is a baby on it's way-it's time to grow up. Today is our anniversary, tomorrow is my ultrasound and the next day is my expected due date of the baby we lost earlier this year...do I think he'll be involved? Probably not. I believe actions speak louder than words and his actions are telling me he wants to live the single life again with his single buddies and they are more than happy, because they have an old drinking buddy back again.

 

Eka1023 - August 24

I could of wrote this post myself. Instead we already have a 3 year old and conceiving number 2 ended up in a loss. My husband and I were more than a couple we were best friends. We enjoyed time together, had interesting topics, had fun games we played. My son and I were his number one priority. And all that went down hill once he made new friends. He started putting me second little by little, leaving me hanging. Coming come drunk. Always thought I was wrong and looking for a fight when I was just expressing how I felt. One thing led to another and I  kicked him out, thinking in the back of my head that he couldn't live with out us and would come running back. That did not happen, he is enjoying life with his friends, being roomies with them, going out. In a way I feel like they stole him from me but he also had a role to play. I have suffered so much. I have seen him gain a new best friend. I see his friends post pictures and videos with him on social media. The worst part ia he comes on weekends to see our son and he looks for my confort, for our moments. Ofcourse I give in, i love him and then he leaves. I am broken hearted. I understand ur situation. I am here for you. 

 

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