Not Sure What To Do

16 Replies
Maddie - December 7

I am 24 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I got pregnant 3 years ago and had an abortion at my boyfriends request. I did not want to lose him. I have had some problems since then, hormones out of whack, and now I am pregnant again because my pills were not effective. I want to keep this baby. I just found out about it 2 days ago. I told him yesterday I was pregnant and we talked and cried. He didn't yell at me like I expected, but he did explain to me his feelings and that he absolutely doesn't want a baby. We can't afford it and it ruins all of our plans. I do not want to have an abortion, I want the baby, but at the same time I feel guilty for ruining his life. He has always been straight forward with me about not wanting kids. He even wanted to get snipped so he couldn't get me pregnant but I told him I didn't want him to in case he ever changed his mind. I feel so guilty. He said he won't leave me if I keep the baby, but I read so many stories about the guys leaving halfway through the pregnancy. Is it wrong for me to have this baby? I haven't told him my decision yet, I truly feel terrible for doing this to him.

 

Jaj - December 7

First and formost...YOU didnt do this to him. You already had one abortion for him...If you feel in your heart that you cannot go through it again, then keep your child and tell him your decision. It was also hard for me to tell my partner that I wanted to keep my baby. He had explained to me that he didnt want any children, and when I did come up pregnant, He suggested an abortion, and tried to tell me all the good resons to have one, However he did tell me that it was up to me and if i couldnt do it, he would be there for me and the baby, And so far he has. I am 28 weeks, and we are as excited as can be. Not everyone ends up like that though. But you do need to be true to him on how you feel...EVEN if he does leave you. It's not fair to you or the baby if you go through with something you know you dont want to. Yes it will be tough, Yes you will probably have a crying session, and yes there might be some fighting in there, But its all worth it when you know you have made the right descion.

 

Erika - December 8

Don't feel bad for him. Why should you have to keep killing inocent babies. You tell him if he dose'nt want any kids then you'll need to stop having s_x. Babies our blessings. I have a 4 month old son and he means the world to me. Be a women and take care of you child with or without him. You never know this child could get you'll closer..

 

Maddie - December 8

I told him last night I just couldn't go through with an abortion. I told him how I felt about him, that I hated the fact that I felt like I was ruining his life. He feels trapped and feels that this ruins our chances of buying a house (which we were doing soon) etc. He got mad at me last night and now today he is hardly talking to me. Is it possible that he will come around if I just give him some time? He told me the first night that I told him I was pregnant that he loves me and regardless of what happens he doesn't want to lose me, but he said that when he thought abortion was an option. I hate feeling excited about the baby one minute and then feeling scared and guilty about putting my bf through this. But I am just as scared as he is. I didn't plan this, it happened because of a medical problem that made my pills not work. I suspected it a few months ago, but the doctor rea__sured me they were fine, come to find out they were not.

 

sue - December 8

How did you feel after the first time you had an abortion? I have two family members who had and abortion years ago. They're still suffering from it, if not in a emotional way then in a physical way.Adoption is a way but you will never know yourself, how strong you are, how loving and creative you can be. This is yours, the child belongs to you as a gift not a curse. I have a "mother in law who is very controlling. She tends to have a strong influence over her children and grand children. From what I see she tends to take care of the grandchildren because no one else can do better. At the same time she has resentments because she "has to take care of grandchildren at her age" .

 

Minimom - December 8

The best advice to take is not to take any advice at all. Here's the deal, Maddie: You have to make a decision that you can live with and not suffer over. You've had an abortion before and it still nags away at your soul. I'm pro-choice, but even I know your heart is telling you something. You need to figure out if this guy's wants are more important than your needs. Decide for yourself what it is that you need to do and don't let people manipulate you into making decision with YOUR life. Aren't you important enough to nuture your own heart and mind? Anyone that tells you different is....questionable. Adoption is great, too -- if that's what YOU decide to do. But don't let anyone push you that way either. Make your own decision based on what your heart is telling you. You will be okay. Women have been doing it since the beginning of time, girl. You can do it, too. Whatever that may be. Good luck.

 

alice - December 8

Yeah I was pro-choice once. That is utill I lost 3 pregnancies in one year. It made me think about the value of life. Either way you go there will be struggle. Which decision will give you a better conscience? If you abort you are just giving in to what he wants, and he is not thinking about your well being. If you give the baby up for adoption, it may seem like a win win situation but would you want him after that. A man that loves you and has faith in himself would not put you through this. These are only my opinions and personal experiences, yes, minimom is right, make your own decisions. But realize that any decision you make will not make life easier,yet there is life after a baby..

 

Gina - December 9

To keefersmom, why do you keep pushing adoption on vunerable women. I really feel it is out of place as I said in a previous message to you. You seem to have lost sense of your morals surely if these women wish to give their baby for adoption they will come to this decision themselves in good time. I was given up for adoption myself and its a huge decision.

 

Mamawama - December 9

I agree with Gina. I thought the same thing, but veered away from posting it. Keefersmom seems to be lying in wait in a forum that exists for single women who are pregnant. There's something a little "predatory" about it to me, too. Not that adoption isn't great, but maybe you should wait until someone expresses that option themselves and then swoop in with your advocacy? Not to be mean, Keefersmom, but I also think you are out of line.

 

Maddie - December 13

Adoption isn't an option for me only because that would be the same as deciding to keep it. There is no way I could have a baby and then give it up. I would definatley keep the baby at that point. I basically let my bf talk me into having the abortion, I made the appt for the end of this week, he is so happy but I truly don't see myself going through with it. He is really scared and upset and I hate feeling like I have ruined his life. He told me from day 1 he didn't want kids and I agreed, even though deep down I knew that I did want them. The first time I got pregnant was so different than this. I never actually thought of it as a baby, but this time I think about the baby all the time. I have been eating good and doing everything I can to make sure the baby stays healthy. But then I went ahead with making that appointment and I hate myself for it. I should have never agreed to not having kids. I guess I feel obligated to him to have the abortion because of the promise I made to him about us never having them. He probably would not have stayed with me had I not promised. We had this discussion when we were early in our relationship but I was 19 at the time. I didn't realize the impact it would have on me 6 years later :(

 

Robin - January 3

Listen, I understand what you are feeling. I have done the same thing before. I believe that if you were poking holes in your diaphram, then you can feel guilty, but to feel guilty because GOD has givin' you this wonderful blessing, that is truley unfortunate. You may never get this chance again. You sure wont ever see this baby if you abort. GOD obviously thought it was time for you to have a baby. Do only what you want and believe. You can't let anyone, even the father influence your decision. Did I say that right...YOUR DECISION... And doesn't it say right on the box of those pills...99% effective??? He should take responsibility for that other percent ie: a condom would work. So I am sure he knows that no birth control is 100% accurate. What the heck! I would keep the baby and let him leave if that is what he wants. You need to be happy with yourself and YOUR DECISION...

 

RJ - April 6

Girl this is you're baby not his sure he helped you to have it but he's not helping you carry it for the nine months you are and he's not the one bringing him into the world so there fore if you want this kid have it and if he dos'nt want it tell him he dose'nt have to have it because you are and let me tell you i am only 17 and i just found out 2 days ago that i was 2 months pragnant know my boyfriend is there for me but i know my parents arnt so i was going to have an abortion but then i was lokking at the parenting magazine and on page 144 i saw the cutest little baby and i asked myself how could i ever harm somthing so helpless so please know if i can do this you can to but if you have somthing to say be gladly to email me at [email protected]

 

~S~ - April 7

Maddie...Why on earth are you making promises to help and better his life when it causes you to let go of your wants and needs for your life? Not to mention, it makes you suffer. It upsets me hearing you speak about how much you really do want this child or how deep down inside you really do want children someday, but you're willing to sacrifice that for him. Seriously, is he really worth it??? And if so, why? What is it that he's got or provides you with, that your hopes and dreams for a family is not worth having if you got him. You should really sit down with yourself one day and ask yourself if this is what you want, for the rest of your life. How do you know that the 2 of you won't conceive again? Because it's 100% possible, as long as the two of you are still having s_x. Are you going to abort that one too because again he doesn't want kids?? If you truely want kids one day and he doesn't and he's very clear and firm about this...then he's not the one for you. Later on in life, you'll end up regreting his decisions he has made for you. I know this because my aunt was in the EXACT same position as you. Her husband at the time made it clear that he didn't want kids, because it would ruin their "plans" (yeah, what plans? his plans?) and that they were not finacially "ready" (who is finacially ready??). Anyways, deep down in her heart she knew she wanted kids, but she obliged to his wishes, she threw out her hopes and dreams for a family, to accommodate his, because she loved him and felt guilty if she messed this up by becoming pregnant. Well...17yrs later and no kids, he starts cheating on her. (Not saying this is what's going to happen to you, just saying this is what happened to her) Anyways, he cheated on her big time and ended up getting this woman pregnant and allowed her to keep the baby. My aunt was CRUSHED! she was almost suicidal and felt like there was no way she could go on living, knowing that she did all this for him, promised him a "better life" with no kids and all for what? so he can do wrong to her and mess up her life. Although she was hurting, angry, sad, feeling like she missed out on a big part of her life, I admire her for her strength because she up and left him the next day. Now she's found a new love and he treats her well...She's super happy that I'm pregnant, because she can exprience this with me. She still thinks about have a kid of her own, but she's affraid that she's to old and she hates her self for allowing her previous husband to have had the opportunity to draw her future out for her.....All I'm saying is, do what YOU want to do, not what he wants you to do because it betters his plans. If you follow his plans, hopes and dreams, then one day you'll find yourself regretting it big time. Good luck.

 

~S~ - April 7

Oh and another thing...The more abortions you have, the less likelyhood of you being able to conceive in the future is unlikely or very, very difficult.

 

Lisa - May 9

First of all, you didn't get yourself pregnant!! You did not ruin anyone's life. If he didn't want to have a baby then he shouldn't have been having s_x. You should keep the baby and you'll see, things have an amazing way of working out for the best. Its not a matter of wanting a baby or not. Your boyfriend has one now and he's going to have to deal with it. Hopefully, if he loves you, he will step up to the plate and be a responsible father. Good luck to you.

 

Sis - May 9

This is just as much YOUR baby as it is HIS. But its in YOUR body, growing inside you, becoming close to YOU. Have your beautiful baby and if it messes up his plans, then so be it. Too bad for him. How can a beautiful blessing from God mess up anyone's plans? How selfish of your boyfriend.

 

d - June 16

what did you end up doing?

 

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