Should I Leave My Baby Father If He Doesnt Change

29 Replies
NMarie - October 28

I am 22 years old and 9 weeks pregnant. I found out i was pregnant after being back together with my ex for only about a month. He was and still is saying that he wants this child, that he will be there to financially support him(or her) and that he will be a part of the childs life. But I have 2 major problems with this whole situation. The first is this: When we broke up it was because he thought I was seeing someone else which I wasn't but that's another non-relevant story. The thing is, he says he cannot get over what he thinks happened, and he will never forgive or trust me again. This causes a lot of problems because we are realy not happy together. We constantly argue, he is not sweet and caring like he used to be before we broke up, and he will not let his feelings for me show (if he even has any anymore). He tells me one day that he can't stand me and hates me, and doesn't want to be with me to get him for child support later when the baby's born but he don't want to be with me because "it's not working". I feel alone during this pregnancy cus he is not supportive or caring with me and causes me a lot of stress with all this constant complaining he does and arguing. So the OTHER problem is this: I have a pretty decent job as an administrative assistant doing office work, and I have benefits and all, I also have my own apartment and car and been supporting myself since I was a teenager. But HE does NOT work. He has been looking for a job for 4 months already and has found nothing. He had no dipoloma or GED, wont go back to school to get it cus he says he wants a job first. He lives at home with his mom and has no money, no car. So basicaly i support myself. I give him my car every day while im at work so he can look for a job. I been doing this for 4 whole months. I fill out applications for him online while at work, I did his resume, i look for employment services that I can send him to and I feel like im doing all the work and he's doing nothing!! It's soooo stressful. He could have a job already but he "won't work customer service or anything in a store" cus he simply doesn't want to. He wont go to a lot of places that I tell him to go to that I know will hire him for sure, cuz he just doesn't like those places. I try to explain to him that he has NO education and does not have a lot of options. I also told him he needs to take what he can get since he has a baby on the way and if something better comes along then take it but atleast work wherever he can now so he can save. I feel like pulling out my hair cus Im the only one working, and on top of that, looking for a SECOND job cus i simply cannot do this with the one job I have now. I don't know to leave him, stay with him and keep helping him, or what. He is so ungrateful for the help i've been giving him. I even give him gas money so he can drive MY car around looking for a job. I don't know what to do cus i dont think he's trying hard enough and i feel scared and alone. Plus we don't get along. I feel like im his parent cus im constantly pushing him to be responsible and get a job. I've considered adoption or abortion only for financial reasons, but i wouldn't be able to bring myself to do either. The only reason i keep helping him besides the obvious (the baby coming soon) is that he use to help me a lot a coule years ago when I was out of a job and he was doing good. But I do not think we are going to last unless he changes. WHAT SHOULD I DO!!!????

 

jen - October 28

First off you sound like you have your head on your shoulders even though you probably dont feel like it at times(d__n pregnancy hormones:) My advice would be to leave...by staying with him in this situation your only reinforcing him to be the loser he is. I dont buy that he cant find a job....I think personally your better off on your own and he needs to grow up and be a man. Im sorry this is happeneing to you and hope it gets better. Mabye once he can prove he is responsible enough to be a father than you could see if things would work out. Hope that helps

 

name - October 29

He is taking you for a ride by the sounds of it. He should be supportive and bring you comfort during your pregnancy, instead he is just stressing you out. and on top of that instead of making you feel good about yourself at a time where you need it most he is telling u he hates you!?! I think you should leave him and wait for someone who is worth your time and will treat you the same way you treat others..you deserve way better than this and do not need someone taking advantage of all the things that you worked hard for.Make sure you get him for child support.

 

brooke - October 30

well i'm 20 weeks pregnant and my boyfriend is on crystal meth and we broke up yesterday 10\28\04 now i have to have a baby with no daddy

 

bmorebabe - October 31

Personally I think that you are doing way too much for him, let him go and see if he comes back with a fresh start in life including a job, I think that basically you are enabling him to continue down the path that he is on and he isnt going to try to change because he is comfortable with the way that things are give yourself some space to grow and enjoy the changes that your body is going through. You deserve to enjoy your pregnancy to the fullest and he doesnt seem to be letting you do that, also when you guys argue and you get upset the little tiny being growing inside of you is effected too and you have to think about your baby and what is best for him/her. I know it is hard but try not to get upset and let him know in a loving and knid way that right now you need some space and he needs to think about getting himself together.

 

bmorebabe to brooke - October 31

I really know what you are going through the reason why I am not with my babys father is because he is using drugs as well and I cannot afford to be around him even if I wanted to because I have almost a year clean in Narcotics Anonymous it is a very difficult situation to be in I met my babys father in NA when he was doing very well better than me at the time we met. We broke up when I was six weeks pregnant because he chose to use I have not heard from him since then and dont want to I am 35 weeks and 4 days pregnant now and I have done it without him I have the child support papers ready to file when the babys born they are packed in my hospital bag to be mailed from the hospital. It has been difficult but if he is using drugs neither you or the special little being you are carrying need him in your lives be strong and find out about the custody laws in your state you may have to go to court to establish custody to protect your child. In the state I live in it is automatic joint custody so I have to have child support find him and have him sign the papers, if he refuses the will get a court order for a blood test once paternity is established through him signing or a blood test I will file for sole custody of the child both legal custody and physical custody then he cant come and take her from me because there will be a court order. I know that this is a very difficult time for you but please please please protect yourself and your child the ways that are legally necessary in your state.

 

blue - November 11

Here the facts: He don't have,and don't want a job. He hates you. He is making your life misserable. And problably the only good thing he did to you is that litle person inside you. My answer? Leave him! chances are, he won't change, and find a job is HIS job, not yours. And please, please, have your baby!, It could be hard, but at the end you'll be glad you did. God bless you and your baby.

 

NMarie - November 15

Hey guyz, Well slight up-date. He does have a job now, and been working for a couple weeks. He paid half my rent this month and gave me money for food and gas so im happy he's helping though I don't want him to move in yet with me because we have too many issues (the past that he brings up). One day he's sweet, the next he litteraly says he hates me. It's real hard, but i keep trying thinking he's going to change once i start showing, or the baby's here, etc. (Im already 13 weeks!!) I might be fooling myself, but Im going to wait until the babys born and if things don't change i'll leave him cus i don't want to get used to having him around me like that once the baby's here. Thanx guys!

 

Audrey - November 16

NMarie- It's good that you're concerned about your financial situation, but you and your bf have to sit down and talk. Perhaps he changes his tune so often because he's insecure and doesn't know where things stand. Be supportive and encouraging of him, and explain that sometimes you have to do something you don't like for a while in order to find something better.

 

Sarah - November 21

Wow. Its like a page out of my life. Only a few minor changes. My boyfriend has no job. I work 40 hrs a week/. I am 12 weeks pregnant and got knocked up within 2 weeks of us getting back together. He and I broke up before because he got his ex pregnant (she just had the baby last month) My boyfriend never asks how Im feeling. Only tells me how stressful this is going to be. (This will be his 3rd child, my first) He actually told me last night that he is really stressed because he won't be able to go out drinking as much because I'll get mad. At this point hun, I am stuck living with him and all I can say is screw it. He can go out as much as he wants. I'll just keep looking for a more desirable situation for me and my baby-until then I am pretty detatched. I find it so sad to bring a child into this world under these circ_mstances, but I will just have to do my best. Good luck to you-stay strong.

 

NMarie - November 22

Sarah, I completely understand except thank god for the drinking and going out, which he doesn't do. But i've had other problems. While he doesn't live with me(he lives at home) I still think he should be helping me out. He hasn't given me one dollar no joke, since the time I got pregnant and im nearing my 14th week. This is depressing for me because he sees me struggling with gas, food, rent, bills, doctors visits-alone.It is lonely and hard for me. Then his temper. A couple months ago he while i was driving, him in the pa__senger, we were arguing and i was yelling about something and he kicked my windsheild soo hard that it cracked in two places. I can hardly see streight driving. Has he fixed it yet? No. He got his first paycheck this week did he give me a cent? Nope. He told me last week, "when i get paid i'll give you 50 for food. Then once i buy a car, i'll start paying half your rent". Ha, what a joke. I reminded him lastnight about the money for food and he says "ill give you 30". I got mad because he said one thing then changed it, and his excuse was that he had to give his mom money to help her out and he couldn't give me a whole 50 rite now. I said with all respect, your mom isn't pregnant by you, I am, and I need help from you." I feel like he doesn't take it for real that im pregnant. Like it's no big deal. He even told me "Big deal your pregant". And I feel lonely and sad because im struggling and he doesn't seem to notice or care. Then this morning he threw my old cell phone (which is really heavy cuz it's one of those big old ones) that i use it for an alarm clock since about 5 years, and he threw it and it barely missed my head, hit the wall, and broke in little pieces. I promisse that was it. IO kicked him out and told him i want my money for my windsheild and he said "im not giving you sh*t" so i said fine, just get the f*ck out of my house (excuse the language). And that was it. I feel good in some ways cus i should of done this a long time ago. But its better late than never. And while i feel depressed somewhat that I dont have the kind of man that is there for me to help me and take care of me, and to treat me good. It's ok because I don't have time to feel sorry for myself. I told him this morning "What do I need you to treat me bad for? I could treat my own self bad I don't need you for that." Girl I don't know how he got home and i don't care Im through with being taken for granted. You should do the same since you're working and you do have a choice, to put you and your baby first. These men never change and it's up to us if we want to put up with it or not. We keep choosing to stay, they'll keep treating us bad. That's why we have to leave. It is going to be hard at first i know, but later we will get used to it and be proud of ourselves for being independant and not putting up with that garbage.

 

blue - November 25

You finally kicked him out!, I am proud of you! You are brave and intellingent and you don't need him in any way. You will find a real man, one who will love you and your baby. But you don't need a men to "rescue" you. YOU are all you need to be happy. I am glad he kicked your windshield and no your body. Take care, I sure you will be all right.

 

NMarie - November 30

Thanx Blue. We are still keeping up the communication but i haven't seen him since then. So I'm alright. I think it will probly get harder for me further along when i start showing (im only 14 weeks!) and the due date draws near, then i might start missing him and want him around me. But we'll c what happens.

 

margaret - December 4

i myself am pregnant,about 6 months now,and the problem your having with your boyfriend is so much like what i had with mine,they seriously could be brothers! we were together of and on for 5 years, he never had a steady job, no income,no education,drank all the time,and left me constanly for his friends,and you know what came to my head? i already have one baby coming along that im going have to take care of that, why the hell do i need another one,its hard to leave but not as hard as it is to saty. you dont need this in your life, nobody does. he will never grow up he will NEVER change, i can guarenntee you this. he will always be useless, and just beacuse your having a baby doesnt mean anything to him. Leave him now before it goes to far, it will be the best thing youve ever done for yourself. How will you ever find happiness and love in your life if you always have this big load following behind you. Seriously, i have been through it, it will not get better no matter how many chances you give him,do you really want your kid to grow up with an influence like that. Dont think of him,think of you and your unborn baby,seriously.

 

nic - December 14

Far out, you're so young, and have so much of a wonderful life ahead of you. The best thing is the growing baby inside of you. Hold on to the belief in yourself and the strength and bond you and your baby have. It is important to learn the cycle of abuse: nice one day, horrible the next few days, apologetic for the next few, then nice again. This pattern will continually repeat itself over and over again. The abuse is his own insecurities showing face. Whatever his personal issues are, he needs to work out himself. A heaalthy releationship is not about saving the other. All you need to do is keep away from him, and concentrate on yourself and your baby. You will be fine. And speaking from experience, don't put his name on the birth certificate, otherwise he will always be in you and your baby's life - and believe me, as you mature, and eventually settle with the man who you're meant to be with, you'll wish he didn't exist. Be strong, believe, and all the help you need will come from sources you didn't even know existed.

 

fireandice - January 5

Its not as bad as you think, I have been with a man for many years and he still calls me names if "i get on his nerves" I am not gonna lie and think he cares. Any man who dosent appreciate you..theres 10 other women and single men who wont, and dont do that. I needed someone to talk to. I have no family or friends, Sometimes I wish i could just walk away,,he wouldnt even care if I did. You all and me must continue to love ourselves the best yoou can, een if yoour lover crushes you mentally. I believe what goes around comes around 7 fold.

 

ss - January 5

Try being me...knocked up at 23...taking care of his 9 year old daughter while he runs the streets! I actually took him to court for his daughter and now have custody of her...but as I said now I am 14 weeks pregnant...and I already know he is a nobody! He sniffs...hustles and becomes MIA for days on end....then when he wants he calls just to remind me that he loves me (yeah right) he even got a tattoo on his back of my name...to "prove" his love....that stuff proves nothing but stupidity and ignorance...

 

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