Should I Tell The Father He S Going To Be A Father

10 Replies
lori - December 21

After we broke up (he is hopelessly irresponsible) I found out I'm pregnant. I am thinking about keeping quiet and not telling him about the baby at all...any feedback? Legal repercussions? I want to keep the baby but am worried that it would be worse to have him around than to raise him/her alone...

 

jap05 - December 21

If for no other reason, the child has the right to know who his or her father is. The father has a legal responsibility and the child has the right to recv. that a__sistance to help provide a better life. What will your child think of you if he or she looked at their birth certificate and no father is listed? Do you have the right to prevent a relationship with between your child and father just because he irresponsible (the courts can impose responsibility)? Not to sound mean, but he was good to sleep with. As for raising the child by yourself, if he is not responsible he probably would not exercise his rights to visitation and you would end doing it by yourself. The difference is the child will grow up knowing you knew who fathered him/her, you legimated your child through the courts, and the child child will hold the father accountable for abandonment not you the mother. The last thing you want is for your to ask who their father is and then they want to locate him and possibly he has changed and built a better life for himself and he wants to a father, guess who will get blamed for not allowing that relationship? YOU, the child would have many questions one being what gave you the right? Some children understand others do not.

 

jap05 - December 21

FYI on child support: You child has the right to get the best support they can. Establish paternity , child support retro to date of birth, medical care incident to birth(he can be made to cover the childs medical depending on the state), maternity expenses... Look in your phone book and start calling family law attorneys and ask questions, they will answer most them over the phone for no charge. It is important to establish paternity for your childs best interest. If the father were to die the child would recv. social security, rights to his a__sets (home, money, iras...) Also the child has the right to know who the father is without any doubt, many times without DNA or established paternity if the child finds the abondoned parent says, "i wasn't sure you were my child" or something crazy to excuse his actions. DNA test and establishing child support payments through the court eliminate that. If you use an attorney the courts will often award the mother all attorney expenses, make the father pay for DNA if found to be the father, and make the father pay court cost. In the end you and your child get a__sistance. You will be cheating your children and allowing him the right to abandoned his responsibilty.

 

Mellissa - December 23

If you choose to abort a pregnancy (not you in particular, just women in general) the father has no rights in the decision making process. This is because it is the women's body and her nine months of carrying the child we are talking about. However, when you are planning (as you are) to bring the child into the world, he now has a large stake in your decision. It is no longer just about you, it's about you and him and your new baby. A child should never be made an obligation and if this man seems as if he will only breeze in and out of your baby's life when ever it's convienient for him (ALL of your baby's life) than I can certainly understand why you wouldn't want to risk putting this on your child. Afterall, you yourself broke up with him because you wanted someone more dependable, loyal and responsible to have as a man in your life so why would you want any less for your son or daughter, who would be heartbroken by a father who treated them as he treated you? This being said, a lot of men (and yes, selfish women too) think that a half-a__sed father is betten than no father and they see no issue in raising a child with an unreliable male in it's life. You do have a duty to tell this man that you are pregnant but tell him that the only thing your are expecting from him is financial support (which he legally owes you). Since you do not want him in your life anyway, let him know that you expect nothing more from him and you won't go after him later for anything more than the financial support your child deserves. If he does show interest in wanting to be part of your childs life, you have to lay it on the line NOW, before the birth. You want a good life for your child and you don't want an irresponsible man as a father for him/her. Children need routine so if you think him seeing your child say, two times a week is a committment you know you couldn't depend on, than ask him if every other weekend for a day would be great. Your child will be raised expecting only this time so they won't be set up for a fall. If you just let him show up when he want's, your kid may go weeks without seeing him, especially if he happens to marry sometime in the future, get preoccupied and then he/she will certainly feel neglected. What ever you decide on, make it legal. If he want's nothing to do with it, take him to court NOW and have him wave his parental rights. It doesn't take long to accomplish when it is uncontested and it is the same process basically as what occurs during an adoption, the birth Mother simply waves her parental rights making it impossible for her to take back her child from the adoptive parents. OR, if you agree on an "every other Saturday" arrangement, have that legalized too. Just because he seems agreeable about something now, doesn't mean he won't/can't change his mind later. You said so yourself that he was irresponsible so who knows what could happen. Oh, congratulations on becoming a Mom!

 

Grandpa Viv - December 25

I think you have weighed the pro's and con's. I can respect a decision that says it would be better for the child not to know the father, not to have child support, etc. An adopted child is in this position. You may find Mr. Right in the next few years and the child will grow up in a two-parent family, which I believe is critically important. The questions I have relate to having one's parents' health history as one ages, and the compulsion we all come to have to know our birth parents. You have lots of time to make this decision. The b/f may confront you with the question when he hears of the birth date, but as irresponsible as he is, he may not even care.

 

sam - May 5

if you don't need the child support then you may not have to tell him. but if he finds out on his own, he has every legal right as you do and he may fight for his rights...

 

beth - May 6

Is he just irresponsible? or is he violent? What do you mean by irresponsible? It's irresponsible on both parts to get pregnant.

 

Mattie - June 8

Beth: It's irresponsible ? Perhaps your not a fertility goddess like half the other women. A man can touch me and I get pregnant. I've gotten pregnant before while on the pill and while I was using condoms. Place your blame elsewhere.

 

loly - August 21

i agree with you in her circ_mstance, yes the father is irresponsible but to what extreme? thing is he can grow out of that. Now, in my case i will keep my baby from the father for reasons i consider rather complicated for my baby to be in such situations. The father of my child abused me verbally as well as physically, he's very manipulative and will put me down whenever he gets the chance to actually he wanted to get me pregnant since i wouldnt be able to get rid of him after that he basically would take the baby as an excuse to keep seen me in any possible way and to always have a hold of me. I definately feel sorry for him since he was kicked out of his home at the age of 10 and he's raised himself with drug-based people, we had a huge fight i mean punches to the wall hits kicks hes twice my size got on top of me and the baby was concieved! i had said no towards doing it but he proceeded therefore i'd rather not let him know. I would like to know your opinion on that. -thanks

 

csws347 - September 3

There can be legal ramifications. If he finds out later on and decides to get back at you by going for custody, the fact that you kept the baby from him can be cause for the judge to find you unfit. Nowadays men are becoming more and more likely to receive custody, so don't risk it. If you tell him and he is too irresponsible and says he doesn't want anything to do with it, then just get him to sign away his rights, than you will never have to worry about him. Just be careful, you don't want to risk a major legal battle.

 

csws347 - September 3

Oh, but if he's violent, you can keep him out of your life by going to the court...

 

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