Should I Trust Him

13 Replies
dew - October 13

I've posted under the name "tired of bs" previously, my question was t_tled "pregnant by a liar". I'm now 7 1/2 months pregnant and very excited about my baby boy, who will be here in December!! Anyway, his father has been making strides toward being here for the baby and I feel obligated to allow him to be involved in the pregnancy. Am I wrong? I think I know now that I can't be in love with him and a co-parent as well. but I can't stop loving him and I sometimes miss our relationship. He still has a girlfriend so I keep my feelings to myself and stick to conversations about the baby. I'm trying to be strong and smart and will accept any advice offered with regard to "sticking to business". I'm afraid this will be harder if I'm around my son's father more and more. He sometimes calls me affectionate names and hugs me and won't let go even when I try to pull away (I don't try too hard). He refers to me as "my baby that's having my baby". I must admit that I like it. But I've come so far and don't want to become the love sick person I was a couple of months ago. I need advice on whether to allowing him to continue to treat me affectionatly. If not, how do I approach him about the subject without appearing cold or bossy or pushing him away from the baby? I also need advice on whether to consider his opinion on issues such as the baby's first and last name, and other issues of the sort (considering he hasn't been here for the majority of my pregnancy). In closing I woluld like to say that is has been a privilage to carry my son and it will be a privilage to raise him. I've earned it, not just physically but I've prepared mentally (through classes, books, and talking with current parents), emotionally (through phychology) and financially (making the father's money unnecessary). I've done everything in my power to provide my child with a stable and humble lifestyle, he has done nothing but have s_x with me. Does he deserve to be involved? Am I approaching this with the right att_tude?

 

Monique - October 14

He is your son's father and for your SON's sake, he should be allowed to be part of his life. HOWEVER, he belongs to someone else and it doesn't look like that's about to change.... So....... you have to be strong and tell him you are NOT his baby. You are on an emotional rollercoaster and that is NOT GOOD for you or the baby!!! It's time for you you to be the grown-up parent and accept REALITY that all you have is a Co-parent. Does his girlfriend know? Approach the subject like this: I would like you to be a part of your son's life, but since you are still with her I really need us to have an uncomplicated relationship. So I would really appreciate if we just kept this about our son. I can't play games with you anymore, I have to be stron for our son. Good Luck!!

 

kelly-leigh - October 14

hiya my name is kelly-leigh, erm well i didnt read all of your question BUT i hav come to a conclusion after a few lines, i would although it will b hard, i would ask why he hugged me if he has a gf, and ask if he would b a responsible dad, if he wants the baby that much he wil look after it well, i think i would know, having had the problem of havin a baby myself (at 14) now im only 15 but i do know what i am on about, lets just say that you are the only person who can tel wether to trust him and wether you can cope with this, if you want the baby to see its real dad (i would let my baby im havin in 8 months (i think and hope)) and evven if a wasnt with its dad. if you would like to be back with him, then go for it, and if u love him then tell him you need him not just for the baby but for you. if its the other aka you want to keep the baby to yourself then do it girl, it is yours but if he wants it that much, he may take it to court, but hey :) im happy for you in having a baby boy :) i know you'll do well, i hope i have a baby this time :) PS i hav just seperated with someone i was meetin (courtin with) and erm lets just say that he finished me and i think its his but im not sure :S it could be 3 differents ppl :S i dont know, i learnt not to shag about coz its causin es stress IF you hav any advice or need any or to talk (im not sayin u do but ma email is [email protected] need sum baby names. gud luck with ya baby :)

 

:) - October 14

You should make it clear to him that as long as he is with another girl that there is no hope for you 2,so he just needs to lay off the hugs and sweet words-even though you do like it,it is not fair to you, he is just having his cake and eating it too. I would make sure though he is a part of your childs life. Don't keep him away from your child just because of what he did to you, you will only be hurting your child because every child has the right to know their father! There are too many kids that grow up without a dad and too many fathers out there that don't want to see their kids, so as long as your ex wants to be in your and HIS sons life, let him be! Your little boy shouldn't be fatherless just because the his father did you wrong-give him a chance to be a dad!

 

dew - October 15

Thanks for answering my question(s) and I appreciate the valuable advice offered. as I stated in my original question, my actions are not reflecting my feelings. Thanks to MONIQUE for telling me how to ask him to stop being affectionate without being abrasive. with regard to his girlfriend, she knows I'm pregnant and I've seen her text messages accusing him of being with me when he actually was with me. She doesn't care who he's with as long as he still has money. I also want to say that I am the only adult in this situation. I just have a problem being nice to him. I have a tendency to say smart remarks like "is that what you call your girlfriend?" I haven't started an arguement with him since I told him I was pregnant and I don't intend to, but aside from my love, I'm angry. my goal is to deal with all the "pressing" issues before my son gets here. by the way, I have a few names like Justice or Prince or Tucker. What do you think? To :), I happened to grow up without a father so I appreciate your statements about that. I have no intention of pushing him out of my son's life that's why I need to learn a "nicer" approach to asking to be "strictly business". I know he's not perfect but this man made it known that he wanted my son from day 1. he can't even talk about him without smiling. I respect that, and feel lucky to have that alone. I just want to make it clear that my actions are not reflecting my feelings in any way. I'm not recipricating any of his "come-on's" (anymore). I did in the beginning of my pregnancy, but not in the past 4 months or so. once again I appreciate the advice, but nobody told me whether I should give my son his father's last name. What do you think?

 

Trin - October 15

Hey dew you need to set some boundaries hugging and pet names are off limits. YOU can't handle any of that right now and he is being a bit manipulative of the situation. He is getting to eat his cake too, by having a happy gf and back up a__s on the side. that would be you because he knows if he wanted to he could--couldn't he. Don't get played again, you already know what he is about so be smart and protect YOURSELF.

 

Trin - October 15

Just read your last post: GOOD JOB!!!

 

:) - October 17

If I was in your situation I would give my child the fathers last name, since the father will be in his life. It seems right to me! :)

 

Tonia - October 17

Dew you'll have to decide if you want to give your baby the fathers last name. You sound like a very smart woman. I don't think that it will really make a difference anyway. And if it's that hard for you to decide then give the baby both yours and his last name going to be long though. He seem to be happy about having the baby around. So give him a chance to be there for the baby. That's only right. I have 2 boys that have the same dad and he dogged me and I do not keep them away from him. Plus I'm pregnant now with a baby that's due anyday by another man and he did me dirty to and I will not keep him from seeing his child unless he's harming our child that will be the only way i will provoke his rights.But I agree with Monique's theory of about how to handle the situation. Good luck and may God bless you.

 

anita - October 18

if you do put his name on the birth cirtificate it will be easier to get child support (w/o spending $ on DNA test) if he decides to be stupid in the future and not help out w/ his responsibility b/c his signing it means he admits the child is his. since the man is his father, why not give him his dad's last name? if you marry then you'll probably have a different last name anyway. if you do you can ensure that your child has at least one of his parent's names.

 

dew - October 18

Thanks for your input anita, but at this point I just want to be left alone. I have not and will not ask him for anything. I've always been independent and plan on staying that way. To be honest, I make more money than he does and he spends his $ on cloths and trying to appear that he has money instead of actually trying to keep his money. He can't even hold a job. That's why we didn't work out. I got tired of waking up everyday and getting ready for school and work while he layed around playing video games all day, and going out to the club and to cheat on me at night. By the way, I plan on asking him to stop being affectionate tonight on his voicemail. He was supposed to meat me today and go with me to get a 3D ultrasound but he didn't show, now he's not answering his phone. This makes it much easier than I thought to tell him to leave me alone. Looking at my son's face today made a lot of things clear to me. As I get closer and closer to my son's birth, I'm moving farther away from his father. I'm starting to understand that motherhood is much more fun when I'm not worried about the dog I got pregnant by. I'm starting to decorate my son's room and taking some more parenting cla__ses. I'm enjoying preparing for him. The only bad part about my pregnancy is the father. So I plan on turning my focus toward my son as opposed to the relationship (or lack there of) with his father. Thanks again to you all for your input and I'll continue to check for more, it's welcome and valued. P.S. I plan on giving my son my last name, If I get married some day (which I doubt) I will still keep my name. I've always said that.

 

anita - October 19

great choice...you sound like a strong, independent woman with a good head on your shoulders. i'm glad you've come to terms with everything and realize whats most important. good luck with everything and God Bless :-)

 

name - November 6

I would tell him to leave her and be with me or stay with her and leave me, but either way I'm with the baby.

 

shelia - November 21

no . make him suffer for what he did 2 u .he will get bored with u and ur son in time .when that happens , the money from him will dried up and he will start mucking u and ur son around . and u and ur son will definitely be alone in this world . i have been where u are now with the father of my 3 kids . u don't need him or his money . u are just a new plaything to him now until he gets bored with u . wise up girlfriend . all men are b___ds . don't make that very same mistake what i did with my ex

 

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