15 Lessons Before Trying To Conceive Funny

22 Replies
amanda17 - July 6

Thinking of having kids? Do this 15 step program first! This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say "It's all worth it!" Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent! LESSON ONE: 1. Go to the grocery store. 2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. 3. Go home. 4. Pick up the paper. 5. Read it for the last time. LESSON TWO: 1. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their... A. Methods of discipline. B. Lack of patience. C. Appallingly low tolerance levels. D. Allowing their children to run wild. 2. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's br___tfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers. LESSON THREE: A really good way to discover how the nights might feel... 1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner) 2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. 3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM. 4. Set the alarm for 3AM. 5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial. 6. Go to bed at 2:45AM. 7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off. 8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM. 9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive) Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together. LESSON FOUR: Can you stand the mess children make? To find out... 1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. 2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. 3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed. Then rub them on the clean walls. 4. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it. 5. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look? LESSON FIVE: Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. 1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh. 2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning. LESSON SIX: 1. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a jar of paint, turn it into an alligator. 2. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of aluminum foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. 3. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. LESSON SEVEN: 1. Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. 2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. 3. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player. 4. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot. 5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. LESSON EIGHT: 1. Get ready to go out. 2. Sit on the floor of your bathroom reading picture books for half an hour. 3. Go out the front door. 4. Come in again. Go out. 5. Come back in. 6. Go out again. 7. Walk down the front path. 8. Walk back up it. 9. Walk down it again. 10. Walk very slowly down the sidewalk for five minutes. 11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. 12. Retrace your steps. 13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you. 14. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. LESSON NINE: Repeat everything you have learned at least (if not more than) five times. LESSON TEN: 1. Go to the local grocery store. 2. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. 3. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children. LESSON ELEVEN: 1. Hollow out a melon. 2. Make a small hole in the side. 3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. 4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. 5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone. 6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air. You are now ready to feed a nine-month-old baby. LESSON TWELVE: Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney Channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking, What's 'Noggin'? Exactly the point.) LESSON THIRTEEN: 1. Move to the tropics. 2. Find or make a compost pile. 3. Dig down about halfway and stick your nose in it. Do this 3-5 times a day for at least two years. LESSON FOURTEEN: 1. Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). 2. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler. LESSON FIFTEEN: 1. Start talking to an adult of your choice. 2. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt-sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 14 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.


Krissy25 - July 6

Ha ha that is very funny and so true. I especially like the ones about putting clothes on a baby. It's so hard when my dd is squirming all over the place, usually i just let her play in her diaper, plus i have less laundry to do too :) I also like the one about leaving the house. The is so me. I can't go anywhere without having to go back into the house for somthing at least 3 times. I know this is meant to be funny but there is so much truth in it.


Krissy25 - July 6

I think i can actually add a few. 1 Don't shower for 2 days and don't shave your legs for a week. 2. For those of you who have tivo (or somthing similar) record your favorite show. Get ready to watch it then get up and do domething for a half an hour. COme back and watch about 10 min. Get up and do something else and then don't come back to in until tomorrow night. Watch another 10 min and turn it off, come back 3 days later to watch the rest with someone crawling around and getting into everything, and it's your job to keep them safe and happy. I think that one is the best, it has serously taken me over a week sometimes to watch a show i recorded. If you don't have tivo just sto watching yoru favorite shows all together.


angelmonkey - July 6

haha i like the bit about making a hole in a melon hanging it from the ceiling and swinging it side from side and then trying to spoon food in to the whole lol!, wow its going to be so much fun being a parent! lol


durante baby - July 6

hahaha The grocery store and paying for everything that has either been eatten, destroyed or both....hahaha so true! there have been time I have sat on an isle trying to decide if I can get away with just throwing an item on the shelf and act like nothing happend....or trade in the package of crushed Oreos for a good one without feeling guilty or getting arrested for some form of shoplifting.


dontremember - July 7

Or: Teach the little b___d some discipline then they won't run riot.


grow_up - July 7

My my somebody is a miss doody drawers today :P


amanda17 - July 7

dontremember- You obviously don't have any children, or you've beaten them into a coma. All kids are going to make messes, they are going to run wild, you can't force them to be perfect little angels all the time. So why don't you read lesson two over again and shut up :)


AddysMummy - July 7

When they are BABIES you can't just "teach them discipline" they don't UNDERSTAND. A 5 month old is not going to understand why you are saying no to her when she gets food everywhere on accident. You obviously don't have children. Once they reach a certain age YES it's DIFFERENT but not when they are LITTLE.


angelmonkey - July 7

im confused db? you say you agree with dr? even after having a childhood like you did? or did i get that completly wrong? i had alot of discipline when i was younger, (notas bad as you db) im sorry you went trhough that but i do thank my mother for the discipline she did give me as you see other kids that have none what s ever and they go around stabbing people! so im gratefull im not like that lol, but there are certain amounts of discipline that should be given! i beleive in the odd clip around the earhole but not like db went through! i sometimes think my mum could of been less harsh like she used to pull me up the stairs by my hair but im thankfull i had some disciplin in my life! oh and i totally agree with addy tour not going to beat a 5month old because its making a mess with its dinner


durante baby - July 7

No I was acturally jokeing...the story was true, but I was angry about her haveing the nerve to say something like that so I didnt make it quite clear enough that I was being sacastic.


angelmonkey - July 7

oh lol i get it


Krissy25 - July 7

Ok this is supposed to be something funny that parents can laugh at. We all need to step back every now and then and realize that being a parent can be very humerous at times, otherwise you'll go crazy.


AddysMummy - July 8

I slap my daughters hand sometimes. But that's if she attempts to touch the stove, the iron, or anything that can HARM her.. I DO NOT want her to learn the hard way.


youlickwindows - July 8

I agree with what you've said dontremember but lighten up ffs! AddysMummy I do exactly the same, thats about as physical as it gets.


PreciousBaby19 - July 8

this is suppossed to be funny. although i agree that you can teach them how to behave without them actually getting the c___p kicked out of them. I think a spank is still fine. and a slap on the hand. depending on how old they are. it just depends on the child. there are a few different ways to do it. But i absolutly agree with dr that you have to dicipline them. but she was just making a joke. something funny to laugh at. =)


amanda17 - July 8

Yeah, this was all supposed to be just funny things that all parents go through... notice how at the top it says 'Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent' That was supposed to discourage any arguments.



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