How Should I Handle This

17 Replies
Marissa - September 27

I have just found out my 15 year old daughter is pregnant. I don't know how this could have happened. She is an intelligent girl with good grades and doesn't leave the house much, although she has a lot of friends, but they seem to spend most of their time round my house. I didn't know she even knew any boys, let alone was having s_x. We have always been close and she has always known she can talk to be about anything and I won't freak out. We discussed s_x and contraception, and we always talked maturely about it. She always said she didn't want to have s_x until she was married. We've always been honest with each other. But this has knocked us for six. She has clammed up and won't speak, but I can tell she is very upset. I just don;t know what I should do. Are there any teenagers out there that could advise me on how I should approach the situation based on what approach they would like? I'm terrified she may have been raped. I would never get in the way of what she wants to do about this baby, after all its her decision and I will support her. But how do I get her to open up. She had a hard time telling me but didn't blow up so I don't understand why she won't speak at all now. Maybe she is in denial, I don't know. I'm beginning to feel I've failed her if she can't talk to me. Please help! Thank you.

 

keefersmom - September 27

First, sit back and relax. You have a few months to get through all the rough stuff. Let her get over the shock then start talking. You don't mention a father. If she has no dad under the roof this could be the main reason she's pregnant. Sorry it's a stat! IF you truly love her, support her on a decision to adopt the child out. You daughter needs to be able to be a teenager, not a mom and you don't need to raise her chilt until she's old enough to do it her self. Trust me, you'll raise the child til it's 18 or older. Good luck and do the right thing.

 

Viv - September 27

Marissa, I'm an adult, and I feel for you in your predicament. It sounds as though you went by the book, and now you have been blind-sided. Here's my take. I'm sure you have tried to figure out which week this happened, and have cast your mind back to see what activities were taking place. As I cast around I am not thinking rape, but someone close who has to be protected, someone who has threatened her if she tells, someone she trusted whom she let get close in an unguarded moment. If none of that computes, put it out of your mind. These are corrosive thoughts. Also, she may not even have had "s_x", but just an exposure to s____n that was enough to do the damage. You must know that the harder you push for information, the more resistance you will get. If you just act loving, sympathetic, and supportive, I expect that the story will out in due course. She can't clam up for the whole 9 months. I hope you get some response from teens here.

 

Alaishya - October 4

i think the best thing is to wait for her to open up to you and just show you care and that you arent angry. My mom screamed at me and chucked me out (I was 14), she eventually took me back but our relationship was never the same again because she always let me know how disappointed she was in me. You seem a real caring mom so i dont think this could happen here so as i said she will tell you in time. If she doesnt improve after the baby is born I suggest maybe a gentle chat and try to coax her into discussing her problems. Dont worry even between the closest mom and daughter there are secrets!

 

The answer is...... - October 4

I feel for you in your situation and your daughter's also. I think the most important thing right now is to let her know you really care for her and want to help her. She pretty much knows she messed up big time already and doesn't need a lecture at this point. Hopefully these points will draw her out and get her to open up to you. This may not happen over nite though as you may want to let it happen as opposed to making it happen.

 

GuitarJade - October 4

Just tell her what you wrote... and wait for her to come around. Good luck!

 

jessica - October 4

first of all i must say that i truely respect you from one mother to another. i am only 22, but i have two children of my own and would love to have had a mother close to me as you are to your daughter. i was only 17 when i got pregnant. my mother hated me from that point on. my advice to you is to write her a letter explaining to her that you are just as scared as she is right now and that she can talk to you about anything without you getting upset. that will rea__sure her that you are supportive and will not be mad. it may take her some time to talk to you but she can't hold her emotions for long. good luck to you and your daughter.

 

Kari - October 5

I was gonna say the same thing as Jessica. Write your daughter a letter explaing your feelings just as you have told them to us. tell her your concerns (but don't guilt trip or frighten her) and above all make it clear that no matter what, you will always love her and you will never abandon her or expect her to go it alone. Tell her that you respect her right to decide whether to keep her child or not and that either way you are here to talk to and to give her comfort and unlimited love. You will always be her mother and from the sounds of things you are a good one. You sound like my own mum- I have not been pg yet but I have discussed what would happen if I ever were and would be happy to approach my mum if i were. I am 9 yrs older than your girl though. I do think a heart felt letter would help, write it, proof read it then leave it with her and tell her to read it when she's ready and it's nothing to be worried about. Good luck and i hope your daughter will be okay xxx

 

UNKNOWN - October 5

KICK HER OUT SHES A SLUT

 

GuitarJade - October 5

UNKNOWN: Just because somebody gets pregnant doesn't automatically mean that they're sleeping around. There are MANY girls out there who are in committed relationships and just happen to get pregnant... some do it on purpose while, with others, it's an honest mistake. a__suming that every girl who gets pregnant is a "s___t" just shows how naive and jouvenille you are. Maybe you should try being helpful instead of judgemental and condesending. I pray that God takes the anger out of your heart and makes you see the world as it truely is.

 

Krista - October 6

Marissa, by the sounds of it you are a great mom and your daughter is very lucky to have you at this time. I am 18 and due in 6 wks.I conceived a month b4 my 18th birthday.the first person I told besides my bf was my mom.She has always made me feel I could go to her and tell her anything.So if your daughter has come to you and told you, this is a good sign that you have earned her trust.First thing, is don't be dissappointed in her.writing her a letter is a great idea. Let her know you are there for her in any decision she makes you will be supportive and you are not dissapointed. when I asked my mom what I should do, she wouldnt tell me her opinion at all.she wanted me to make a decision on my own without anyone else's influence, especially hers because she knew I valued her opinion most.my bf and I made the decision on our own to keep our baby and it was the best choice I have ever made and my mom has been there for me every step through my pregnancy.First of all, keefers mom, I think telling her to put the baby up for adoption is HORRIBLE advice. Don't force her one way or the other. Ask her if she would like you to go to the doctor with her to discuss what options are available for her.When she starts to open up some ask her when and with who she thinks its happened with. Let her know that you wont make her stop seeing this person,maybe that is a reason she is scared to speak up?

 

Sara - October 6

You sound like a great mom. I too always told my mother I was not going to have s_x until marriage but that was so she would not worry & I was embarra__sed about her knowing I did it!! I would explain to her that she needs to see an OB to make sure she is getting the right care. Talk to the OB ahead of time, w/o your daughter, and tell them your concerns. Most girls will open up to a stranger before their mother b/c it is easier. Plus, your daughter really needs prenatal advise anyway & to know her options. In the meantime, just keep doing what you are doing.

 

Marissa - October 7

Thank you everyone so much, you have been a big help! I've managed to get her talking a little and although she still clams up if I mention the father she has been talking animatedly about the baby. She wants to keep the baby no matter what, she told me with no uncertainty and I'm going to support her in this. I'm sure we will find a way. I don't want her to miss out on school work but I know it's going to suffer. I'm going to see if I can find any teen mother cla__ses or something and get her as much support as I can. Does anyone know ways of doing this?

 

Sara - October 7

Perhaps the father is older and she is afraid for him. In many other posts, girls are talking about getting pregnant by their 18-25 yr old bf's which in most states is illegal b/c of the whole adults can't have s_x w/minors or it's rape. You might want to consider that. Anyway, my local hospital had a teen pregnancy support group so I would check the hospital first. You can also ask your daughter's OB. They are typically well informed about different support groups. My girlfriend had a miscarriage & her OB referred her to a support group w/other woman who have had miscarriages. Good luck & Congrats on being a grandmother soon!

 

Kari - October 8

i'm glad to see you are talking now. i want to wish you both the very best of luck and I'm sure this baby will be very loved and well looked after by you both. Don't push too hard on the subject of her baby's father, I think it will reveal itself given time. Once your daughter relaxes and realises you're not mad at her about the baby or the fact she had s_x she will begin to open up even more and that is when she will tell you all the other stuff. Enjoy the pregnancy and I hope it all goes smoothly! xxxxxxx

 

Daile - October 11

Marissa, I'm not trying to sound rude, but is anyone that is close to your daughter racist, such as an uncle or grandfather? If so, that may be why she is not telling you about the father. He may be of a different race, and she is afraid both him and her baby will be rejected. Just a thought.

 

Sarah - October 31

Marissa, I myself got pregnant at 15 and didn't tell my mother who I consider my best friend. She would have never suspected that I was having s_x. First, be thankful she came to you and told you. My mom found out because I had a miscarriage in the night. Show her this note, let her know you have never ending love and support for her. Let her know of all of her choices, and make sure not to show any bias towards any of them. Hopefully, she'll see you love her more than anything and are just concerned. Good luck.

 

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