Hum No Good Title Just Advice Requested

19 Replies
Manda - December 7

hi. im manda. ive never written on a post like this... but its the perfect place for me. im 18, and have been with my boyfriend for more than 1.5 years. we are planning on getting married, and we both really want children. i live in germany, by the way. im an american, but i study at a univers. in marburg germany(my bf is a german, but ami. wanna b)... im studying theology and archeology... not like thats too imprtnt. anyway... to get to the point: i really want a baby... very badly. is this nuts? just to help in the decision of "crazy-or-not": when in the states i work full time as a nanny for a 6 mos., 3 yr, and 6 yr. kids (same family) as well as part time at a childrens museum as an english as a second language teacher for kids between 3 and 5 yrs. i love babies... a huge part of my life is watching the young mothers walk by with their strollers... sleeping babies with fleece hats and wool blankies. kids are really holy to me... though i know of the patience, the time, and the money. money prob. would not be for another few years. for hospital bills i have 100% international birthing cost coverage, as well as i saved up$ for a USA education (massing around 50,000$ savings) and now study in germany (free). maybe u could put my head on straight... or support me... with any advice u have... i listen greatfully. ~manda

 

CAROL - December 7

Hi, Manda. Welcome to the site. The first thing that came to my mind when I read this was your education. You're working your your degree. This is wonderful, especially having the opportunity to do it in a foreign country. I'm a__suming that it is only you and your boyfriend living in Germany. Would you have any support if you had a baby? Anyone to help you? What would happen to your education? I understand the desire to have a child (I'm pregnant, and is was planned), but since you are over there for your degree, it seems to make sense to finish it before having a child.

 

manda - December 7

yea... i know i should finish school. its me and my boyfriend. everyone i know, except my friends here, are home, but my bfs family and all are here (in germany). my school schedule is rather minimal... i go to school from 5am to 11 mon-thur. and fate as it seems... theres a morning daycare right across the road from me... litterly like, 20 ft. and students receive discounts on daycare. is this just maternal instinct jumping the gun???

 

manda - December 7

i forgot to mention that the uni. has an almost free child care system for student with children

 

CAROL - December 7

Admittedly, that's very convinient. Do you want to put your baby in daycare for those hours every week? Ask yourself that... If you got pregnant, and had the baby, would you go back to school? Children often mean the end to that kind of stuff. I'm going to be facing the same problem myself. It will really take a lot of discipline to work on a degree AND raise a baby.

 

manda - December 7

u think u can do it? at the same time? i think i could... ive done a lot to get me here... and i dont think i would just give up. i think i could do id.

 

manda - December 7

can i ask how old u are, and ure bf, and what ure situation is? y did u decide to have a baby?

 

CAROL - December 7

I have to do it. I'm not satisfied with a highschool diploma. I want more and expect more from myself. It'll be a task, juggling a baby and school, and it'll undoubtedly take long to finish it. I guess you need to ask yourself if you're willing to do that. Do you work? Does your boyfriend? What about money? Will your baby be covered by your insurance, and what will that cost? Will you stay in Germany or return to America? Immigration is a slow and expensive ordeal, take it from me (I immigrated to America and they nickle and dime you to death in fees). Maybe if the two of you plan on getting married you should do that first. It's not nuts to want a baby. Occasionally a 11 year old comes on here claiming to be pregnant and whatnot.

 

manda - December 7

$ i the lesser of the worries right now. i havent looked into the insurance thing yet... but i could get insurance through the uni and have it cover my baby as well. i would have the baby born in USA, cause then it has automatic citizenship (i also have usa citiz.) and then bring it with me back to germany (when i marry my bf, my child gets automatic citizinship, cause he/she will be his, and i get to stay here for studying, or just cause im married to a german). my boyfriend is still in school, and has a few yrs. left, and has a shotty job...

 

CAROL - December 7

Are you sure you'd get automatic citizenship through marriage? I know it used to be that way in the US, but it's not anymore. You still need to apply to become a permanent resident, have a sponser, tax forms, lots of $$$ and other such things. It's a REAL pain in the a__s. Maybe it's not the same in Germany. But if it is, I STRONGLY urge you to get that c___p dealt with before you have a baby. I moved to America last year and the paper work is endless. 40 pages JUST to apply. And that's for one person. Also, if you have the baby and your boyfriend comes to America with you, I believe he can only be here legally for 6 months before he could be deported (unless here for studies). It's a mess. Believe me. Coming from someone who has just gone through all this c___p, it's not something you want to do when you have a baby who needs your attention.

 

manda - December 7

the baby gets automatic citizenship in both countries. i wouldnt get "citizenship" but i have a piece of paper that allows me to stay here, and germany has a rule, that if im married to a german, im allowed to stay here, with or without citizenship. where do u origionally come from? is ure bf/hubbi from there or US?

 

manda - December 7

hahaha... sorry... my germanization talking... shotty means not so good. he gets about 5 euro (6.50$) an hour.my bf wants a baby as well... not nearly as much as i do, and he would rather wait... but he would be there. not just saying that. really, he would, and we are going to get married in the next year. ure 15? wow, i wanted a baby so badly back then too... and ive been able to hold off for 3 years... almost 4... how are u going to support ure baby? does ure family still live in the US? do u live with them? i live alone... well, i have a chihuahua dog... shes my little buddie. my bf practically lives with me, but not exactly... still a bit with his parents and a bit with me. what do ure parents think of ure pregnancy? im worried bout my parents.

 

CAROL - December 7

My parents and I have a rather unconventional relationship. I was never babied (despite my only-child statue). I recently moved out of my parents home. There was no way I was going to live with them and have a baby. It's freeloading, and I'm not like that. I have a steady income from writing and accounting work. So if I can have a baby, I don't want to live at home and get a "free ride". I'm not into that. I planned this child, and there are no easy ways out. I live with my cousin, so I'm not alone, and I also have 7 gerbils (my "little boy" turned out to be a "little girl", but that's another story). My parents, of course, weren't thrilled. I told them, "I'm pregnant." They squawked for a while, and I sat there, said nothing, took it (afterall, what did I expect? Tears of happyness?). Anyway, they calmed down, and I explained that I would be moving out shortly etc., that I had a midwife picked out, planning for a homebirth. When they realized how planned out this was, they were somewhat comforted, I suppose. I don't see them as often anymore, which I consider a plus. They live about twenty minutes away, but they rarely come see me. They don't make me dinner, give me money, or anything. The only time I get "freebies" is on my birthday and Christmas. They raised an independent woman and they got it.

 

manda - December 7

i was raised also very unconventional. at 16 i imancipated myself, and lived on myown. finished my high school a week before my 17th bday, and started here last year. i dont get freebies either, nor do i want them--i guess thats why i live 7000 miles away...when is ure baby due? whos the dad?

 

CAROL - December 7

I'm due in June. The dad's a childhood friend. Being raised in different ways from the norm is often difficult. My parents were always trying to "infuse me with intelligence." My dad would come home with mensa puzzles and we'd work them out until late, sometimes past 1am. Sure, yeah, I'd say I'm smart, but I feel their desire to advance me beyond my years has landed me in the exact position I am in now. Should ten year olds be caring for the household? No, probably not. But I was. So, yes, I know I'm 15, but I don't feel it. Sometimes I feel kinda old... Now that I'm expecting, my parents are doing all that "ooooh here, let me slip you a fifty" and stuff like that. I don't want it. Maybe before you go ahead and have a baby, you should talk to your boyfriend about getting a better job...? Or become very dedicated to putting money aside. Start a fund for them alraedy. When you acc_mulate enough to invest, talk to a broker about it and do it. That'll make it easier on you when they want to go to college and whatnot.

 

manda - December 7

thanks for the help... ill be back tomorrow... i really need to go to bed (its already almost 10 here, and i have cla__s at 5 tomorrow morning!) ill write with u tomorrow, if ure around! nite

 

CAROL - December 7

Goodnight! Peace

 

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