I Feel So Guilty

14 Replies
Yazmin - November 11

I'm 16 and got pregnant 5 months ago. I hated the baby from the day I found out and tried various things to harm myself, but never did serious damage. Then I went for my first scan. I could see my babys head and body, the legs and arms starting to develop properly. The doctor said I had a perfectly healthy baby. Thats when I realised I loved him with all my heart and wanted him in my life, then at 17 weeks everything went wrong and I started bleeding badly, and having terrible pains. I was rushed to the hospital but they said there was no heartbeat and I was in labour. The baby was a little boy and he was born dead. Its all my fault for hating him. I keep feeling that if I would have accepted him earlier he would not have died. Could he sense he wasn't wanted for the first 12 weeks of his life? I feel as if I'm being punished for it. Why did it have to happen? I had so many plans. I can't talk to anyone and don't want to get out of bed most days. Thanks.

 

E - November 11

OMG, I am so sorry sweety. I have tears in my eyes when I read this. I really think you need to see a counselor about this. Do you have anyone you can see? What about a school counselor? This is not your fault and I can understand how you might have felt badly toward your child. You are just a child yourself and was not ready for motherhood. You needed time to adjust as many mothers, young and old sometimes need. Please try to see this as something that was meant to be and know your baby is in a better place than this c___ppy world. Do something special, plant a tree for him or plant some seeds in his name. I wish you well and please see someone about this. XOXO

 

E - November 11

And if anyone says anything horrible or rude on this thread, shame on you. I will report it (link on left) as I hope others will do.

 

jen - November 11

omg that is horrible i am sorry to hear that i am so scared sumthin like that is gonna happen to me if i am pregnant i just have these fears of me losing my baby IF i am i am not even sure if i am but i want to be so bad i hope everything works our for you sweetie and i am so sorry that happened to you and dont blame yourself

 

Yazmin - November 11

Thanks to you both. I think I will go to the doctor and ask to see someone. Everyone has said they are there for me yet I just can't talk to them, I don't know why. Don't suppose I can tell people who love me that I'd prefer to just end it all and find my baby. And I now know I aren't one of the worst people on the planet because of the other 2 replies. You aren't a human being and don't credit any response other than I didn't 'kill' my baby.

 

E - November 11

Good luck Yazmin. I knew that nasty b___h would find this thread and say mean stuff. Funny how quickly they pull her posts.

 

Yazmin - November 14

Thank you both for supporting me, those nasty posts were very upsetting but I know they were just from a very bitter person and wanted to take their inability to be human out on a vunerable person. Thats why I said I now know I am not the worst person on the planet. I was able to give him a burial so I have his grave that I visit when I can drag myself out of bed. I like the idea of planting a tree. Do you know if I need permission to do this in the cemetary? I am going to try and ring the doctor tomorrow. How have other people got through this because at the moment it feels like I never ever will. Thanks

 

E - November 14

Hi Yazmin, I do not think you can plant a tree on anyone's property but your own. You could plant some seeds ( baby's breath is pretty) at his site as it would not infringe on the other plots. A tree would grow too large for the cemetary. I still think you should ask the caretaker as they might make an exceotion for you and find a suitable space for the tree. Some flowering trees, like a lilac or cherry blossom tree, stay somewhat small and are beautiul when they bloom in the spring. Do you live in a house that your parents own or are you renting?

 

Leanne - December 6

Hi Yazmin, I'm sorry you had to go through this. My situation was a little different but believe me I know exactly how you feel. The pain is there all day every day but it gets easier to cope with. It's NOT your fault. You only reacted like that because you were scared and didn't realise until you saw him there alive how much you loved him. No matter what happened he knows his mummy loved him and always will. My son was born asleep at 22 weeks, the reason I feel guilty is a long story. I go to his grave every week and have made it really special with flowers and toys. It does help. At least I know now he's no longer in pain. I met someone who has really helped me get through it all and we are expecting our baby in July and have got engaged. Because this has happened doesn't mean you can't enjoy the rest of your life. You won't forget your first baby, you just move on. Let me know how you are getting on xx

 

Lisa - December 6

Yazmin....my heart goes out to you and i understand how you must be feeling. Don't be hard on yourself and try not to feel any guilt about losing your son. I also agree that grief counselling would help you get through your despair. Be kind to yourself, the grieving process may take a while as with any loss and talk with someone you trust, it will get easier if you share this with someone who understands.

 

Yazmin - December 9

Hi, thanks to you all for the support. I haven't been on for a while because I thought there would be more nasty comments. I'm feeling a bit better now. To E, I'm back with my parents now. I have planted some really nice flowers on his grave. Leanne would you tell me your experiences sometime? Or just let me know how you get yourself through it?

 

Leanne - December 10

Hi Yazmin. My baby boy had severe abnormalities. I was told he would never walk, talk, see or hear. The doctors recommended a termination and I was considering it when the decision was taken out of my hands and he died. I loved him more than anything I've ever known and it was so overwhelming, only a mum would understand. I thought it may be the right thing considering the 'life' he was going to have. Thats the reason for my guilt. I considered ending his life for him, and then he died anyway. I felt similar to you - thinking did he only die because he knew what I was thinking?? I'll live with it for the rest of my life, but I also know that he will never be in pain and slowly with the help of my fiance, and friends I am learning to forgive myself. You have a family and friends that love you and are willing to support you. However hard it is, if you can trust them confide in them how you are feeling. They WON'T think you are daft. They will be more help than you can imagine. Once people know how you are feeling they will understand and help you all they can, and its like a weight has been lifted because you don't have to go through it on your own. There will always be support for you. Leanne xx

 

E - December 11

Hi Yazmin, glad to hear you are recovering. I have thought of you so many times since your post:) I cannot imagine what you must feel as it hurts me to think of anything happening to my unborn child. You have a beautiful life ahead of you and every decision/aching moment you go through in life is for the baby you will eventually have. I say this as my husband and I suffered two miscarriages and felt devastated and hopeless. I am pregnant again and know that the pain I went through was for this baby, as he is the child we were destined to have. You will not know what I mean until it happens but please think of this post when it does:) XOXO

 

Yazmin - December 13

Wow. Why does it happen so much? You give me hope that one day I will be a good mother because it's happening to you too. E my god how did you cope twice? There must have been times when you thought there was no hope? Thats a little how I've been feeling although i was not and am not trying for a baby. Leanne did you get to hold your baby? How long ago was it? Im glad you have found someone and are happy. Whats he like? I have managed to tell my parents how Im feeling. They knew I was down but not how much. They have been so supportive, I feel stupid for not talking to them earlier, it probably would have helped a lot. Thanks so much to you all for the support. It means so much to me to know I'm not alone x

 

t - December 14

Yazmin, I just wanted to let you know that anger, resentment, etc., is COMPLETELY NORMAL. Even mums who plan a pregnancy go through it sometimes. When I found out I was pregnant again after my twins (as you might guess, I am a lot older than a lot of the people here,lol) I was very depressed and angry. I lost that baby eight weeks later and I felt SO guilty and rotten, like I didn't deserve to have a baby. It's been 3 years since, and now I have a healthy toddler along with my twins, and I wouldn't change it for anything. Good luck to you. You obviously have plenty of compa__sion and will be a wonderful mother someday when you are ready.

 

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