My Husband Doesnt Help Me

8 Replies
sugarbaby18 - March 31

im 17 and 37 weeks pregnant and I moved to norway 3 months ago to live with my bf and we just got married. Not everything was perfect before but over the last week he has turnt really nasty. he doesnt care if im upset and usually makes me worse by saying horrible things. I cry in bed next to him and he just falls asleep. he doesnt even seem like he wants to be close to me any more. sometimes he starts s_x then he just stops and that really annoys me. he is only 19 but he should still be able to look after me properly. I dont know what to do i get so angry with him sometimes that i push him or hit him not very hard but its just to wake him up or get something from him because otherwise he just doesnt take any notice. he is lazy and he doesnt do anything i ask him to do unless i get upset when he doesnt do it then he shouts at me because im upset. I hurt myself a few times because im alone in this country without him and his family and he should care more. I cant get away from him and if i threaten to go home he doesnt care. he says he loves me and most of the time things are ok but im worried about my baby's health because of the amont of stress he puts me under. can anyone help?

 

Grandpa Viv - March 31

That's sad. Are you from England or USA? I always had a high opinion of the Scandinavians. With the baby coming in another few weeks, I guess you are going to have to stay put and make the best of it for a while. Can you talk to his mom and see if you can get any insight as to what is going on in his mind? Are drugs or alcohol involved? Perhaps his att_tude will change when you bring the baby home. If they do not change for the better, then you will have to call your family for a bail-out. This is a tense period for you both. I hope things will work out better in the months ahead. Good luck!

 

Kittysmerow - March 31

Okay, first off you need to stop hitting and pushing him. Physical violence no matter how immature or little it is, doesn't get anyone anywhere. As much as you want to think that a husband can be the most understanding and helpful person in the world, you're wrong. Why? Because he's a male. And a young one at that. My husband is 27 years old and he's still lazy, and he still doesn't listen to me, it has nothing to do with him not loving me, it's just the way he is. Stop nagging your husband so much, just let him go for a good period of time and let him do whatever he wishes, truly silence is the best policy. Don't cry or scream at him to make him feel like he needs to talk to you because he won't. He will just want to be further away from you. TALK to him, sit down and just have a conversation with him when he isn't really doing anything of huge importance like sitting infront of the TV staring and channel surfing or at dinner time. It's all normal, I'm 18 and my husband is the same way. It's frusterating but you'll get through it.

 

Jbear - April 2

What do you mean about hurting yourself? Do you mean doing heavy work around the house, or do you mean deliberately injuring yourself? You're about to be a mom, and that little baby is going to need you more than anyone else in the world...you need to take good care of yourself so you'll be able to take good care of your baby. About the rest...you're in a very stressful situation. Being newly married, being pregnant for the first time, and being alone in a strange country without your relatives and friends are all stressful...to have to deal with all three at once is a really big burden for you. Your husband has some of the same stress...he's just now learning how to be a husband and now he's going to have to learn how to be a daddy too. He's pretty young to be providing for a family...that's a big responsibility. I'm sure the reason he initiates s_x but then stops is that he desires you and wants to have s_x, but stops because he's afraid he'll hurt you or the baby. You could try making the first move, or you could tell him that you can have s_x without a problem, up until your water breaks. You might even tell him s_x will help you, to keep the baby from being overdue (it's worth a try). You need to stop pushing and hitting him...I'm sure it's frustrating when he's not paying attention to you, but that's pretty normal for men. A lot of them are lazy too, especially if their moms did everything for them. You can't get into a pattern of physical violence with him, though...that is really not acceptable in a marriage. What would you do if he hit or pushed you? You'd probably go back to your parents and say that your husband had beaten you...your husband can't do something like that because he'd be ashamed to tell someone that his wife is hitting him. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad...just so that you'll think of his side of things. Maybe you could write him a note when you're mad at him, explaining why you're mad...then he can read it over alone and think about how to fix it. He might be feeling like he's being put on the spot when you're yelling, and he gets quiet because he doesn't know how to fix anything, but then you think he's ignoring you because he's not saying anything. Do you want to go home? If you don't, then you shouldn't threaten to do it...what if he says he thinks it's a great idea, and then you're stuck either leaving or telling him you didn't mean it. There's something else to keep in mind...your hormones during pregnancy can make you much more emotional and sensitive than usual...things might bother you now that didn't bother you before you got pregnant, or that won't bother you after your baby is born. Don't give up on your marriage until you see how you feel a couple of months after your baby comes.

 

Baby Girl18 - April 2

Maybe he's just scared of all the responcibility. Being married at 19 then having a baby on the way can be very scary for a man,let alone a 19 year old one. Women are very diffrent were stronger in some ways. I was 15 when I had my first child and his father was 19 at the time. His way of dealing with it was to act as if the baby did not exsist. Then when the baby was born he didnt realy help much, things got better as time went on and he is now a loveing boyfriend and a very loveing father. Just try and talk to him about how he's feeling about the whole situation. I know that it may hurt you're feeling's because it did mine but for the sake of you're relatiopn ship and for that baby you're going to have to be the miture one even though he's the older one. I wish I could help you more because I know how you feel, I hope everything turns out ok!

 

hello - April 3

I disagree with kitty. To some degree u are telling her to settle and live with it. Not all men are lazy and not all are useless... She should be able to talk to him whenever she likes not when there is nothing on tv that he isnt interested in, you sound like you live with someone who does nothing and you just tolerate it. Life does not have to be lived like this........He is very young and instead of crying as the hormones make us do, u need to have a good chat to him about where your relationship is heading because u cant keep living with a cold fish

 

sugarbaby18 - April 3

he isnt my slave or anything i dont mean look aftre me in that sence because its mainly me doing everything. I meant look after me in his country where i only have him and his people to depend on. I do not hurt my child i love her with all my heart that is why i am posting here to try and get some advice on how to work this through. I love my baby and my husband but I have feelings and he should try to understand them like i do his. Drugs and alcohol are not involved im not that dumb, I would rather talk to him and not his mother. When I have a bad moodswing I cant help what I say or what I do no matter how hard I try to hold back. he doesnt watch much tv and when he does i let him. we talk alot but we are stubborn and hate to see the other person is right. when i say that i hurt myself i mean i scratch myself on my legs. I know its bad but I would rather hurt myself then him and scratchin my legs doesnt hurt my baby either. he has hit and pushed me too and no i did not like it. no offence amanda but ur post was totally off key, he pays the bills that is right but i do everything while he is at work and when he comes home he relaxes my husband is not my slave the only thing i ask him to do for me is help me put my shoes on and tie them up cus i cant bend down anymore. I respect my husband and i appreciate him alot.

 

corinne - April 3

It could be that he is scared and doesn't know what to do because you are so far along and he probably has a lot on his mind and instead of expressing himself (which most men don't no matter the age) he will keep it to himself. certain people have a certain way of handling things and that could be his way. It doesn't help with hitting him or yelling he will just ignore you. So instead of arguing or yelling at him try to have a decent conversasion. Let him know how you feel in a mature fashion. don't throw a fit or be whiney. How do you talk to your friends? talk to him the way you talk to them. It helps a lot.

 

Amanda18 - April 3

If I was off key then I'm sorry. You make statements but don't really explain what you mean. I would sit him down and try to explain or write him a note explaining everything you feel and what you need from him. But again if I offended you I'm sorry.

 

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