When Do You Get Over Adoption

18 Replies
Magenta - August 9

Im 15, and 1 week ago I had a baby girl. When she was born, I held on to her. I didn't want to ever let her go. At first, I was gonna get an abortion, but I just couldn't, so I told my mom I was pregnant and was going to keep the baby. For about 4 months, that was the plan, then, my mom got a new boyfriend and he said he was never going to marry her I if I kept the baby. Well, I guess he's more important to her than I am, because even though I begged and begged, she said that I either give the baby up for adoption, or get out. Well, my fathers dead, and I didn't have any other place to go, so I agreed to give the baby up. Well, I'm really depressed now. It's been a week since I gave her up, and all I can think about is my baby. I wanted to keep her so bad. Dress her up, show her how to put makeup on when she's older, see her off to prom, get her her first car. Now, I can't do any of that. This is the hardest thing I've ever done, and I know that I'm going to regret this for the rest of my life because I didn't make the decision to give her up. My mom did. All I want to know is when will I stop feeling so bad? Will I ever get over it? Will my baby hate me for doing what I did? I hate my mom for making me do this. I know that being a mother would be hard. I accept that. But I know I'd be able to do it. I mean, it's not like we don't have enough money. Is there any way I can get my baby back?

 

random - August 9

I went throught the same thing, its really hard and you will be upset for a while, but if you really think about it your 15 and have your whole life ahead of you. and you gave joy to family that could have kids, and the great thing about adotion is is that you can pictures and mabe in the furture when she is old enough she will find you when you are ready to have a family, but you shouldnt hate your mother for doing it, she was looking for what was best, its the hardext thing to do is give up a child but it was for the best,

 

Grandpa Viv - August 9

A loss like this can take a while to get over, but the pain will go away slowly as the months and years go by. What you did was more difficult that abortion. Move your mind to where you are happy for the baby in a family that is giving it better care than you could have, happy for the new parents who were as upset before as you are now because they could not have a child, and happy for yourself that when you do start having children to keep they will be in a family of greater strength than is now the case.

 

???? - August 9

I noticed you mentioned all the fun times you would miss but you didn't mention getting up every two hours in the middle of the night to feed your baby and change diapers. Being a parent is more than just fun and games there is a lot of responsibility. A 15 year old should not have that kind of responsibility to worry about. i am not saying you wouldn't be a wonderful mother. But you should enjoy being young and be happy that you can still go out with your friends to parties and things that other young mothers can't do. You are still and always will be the mother of your child and nothing can ever change that. I hope you have an open adoption because I think it would be good for you to stay in contact with your child. Just always remember to respect the adoptive parents because I am sure they are thankful that you made this choice and it wouldn't be right to tear this child away from them. I can a__sure you your child will be loved and well cared for. I do hope in time it will be easier for you. Everyone is different so I don't think anyone can answer when it will get easier. But you will come to understand what a wonderful thing you did for that family and your precious child. Best wishes always and may you find comfort and peace.

 

KJ - August 9

I placed my daughter up for adoption 20 yrs ago. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but the best decision ever. I always recieved pics, which helped. I still have never met her, but can't wait for that day. I married at 26 and have 3 beautiful children now. You will always treasure her, but it will get easier. E-mail me if I can help you in any way. Good Luck [email protected]

 

Shana - August 10

NEVER!!

 

to Megenta - August 10

It's probably not too late to get your baby back. Explore your options.

 

Aliyah - August 10

Hurry and see if you can get her back. If it's been a week, it's most likely the adoption isn't final yet. Go get your baby. It will all work out. Stand up to your mother and ask her if she loves her boyfriend more or you.

 

Jen - August 10

your baby will not hate you. do you have an open adoption? your baby will always be part of you and you will always feel something missing but it will get easier. you are so young, it will be okay and your baby is happy...don't worry. we have an adopted son and we love him more then life. we would do anything for him. I'm sure the couple that adopted your baby feels the same way.

 

/ - August 11

Sounds like she loves her just as much. Some of these other ladies are right, it's probably not too late.

 

- August 12

yeah they probably are right.. what i would do if i was in you're shoes i would find the parents and tell them you still want to be apart of the babys life.. and you can still share all the good fun stuff.. and im sure they wouldnt mind you getting her her first car..as much as they are.. lol good luck

 

Magenta - August 14

But it's not fair! It should have been up to me to say whether or not I wanted to give my baby up. Plus, my stupid mother didn't do it for me. She did it for herself. It was either give up a baby(that didn't belong to her) or give up her dumb boyfriend. Oh great. Now, not only am I depressed, but I'm p__sed off as well. I haven't spoken to my mother since I was 5 months pregnant(except when I was in labor and told her I didn't want her in the delivery room), and I don't plan to either. And, of course I know that raising a baby is hard. Harder than I can imagine. But I think that all the good experiences that you're able to have with your kids are worth all the worry and stress. Even though my baby wasn't planned, I still love her and would give ANYTHING to get her back. See, you guys gave your babies up because you wanted to and it would be the best thing for your child. I did it because I didn't have a choice. I know that I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself, but I can't help it.Oh God. I'm crying agian. Bye, I'm going to my room.

 

hope - August 30

I gave my baby up 10 years ago. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him, watch kids his age to see what they are interested in, and miss him. I gave him up because I wanted him to have a mom and a dad...even though it was my choice, I still faced deep deep sadness and loss. I spiraled into depression and thoughts of suicide. I was angry at my parents and distanced myself from them. It hurt sooo bad...and yet I knew I made the right decision. I am sorry you are hurting and angry. It will only get worse if you don't find someone like a mentor to talk to. You have to reach out and tell a real person you are really really hurting. I wish I could see you face to face and tell you it was the right thing to do. I want you to know that there is hope. I am praying for you.

 

Shawna Joy - August 30

Magenta, I am so sorry that you felt forced to place your baby for adoption. Your parents actually cannot force you to do that BUT you have to know this in advance and find a good agency with attorneys who can represent you. However, if you went against the wishes of your mother it probably would have been really hard on you too, especially if you have no outside support. It would help if there was a school counselor or someone you trust that you could confide in and talk to. You've definitely experienced a loss and there is cycle of feelings that are normal to experience with a loss like this. If you understand the cycles than it will help you go forward and heal. *The first stage is shock or denial. You do what your told but you may feel disconnected as if this cannot be happening, stunned, or as if you are watching as things happen with little voice to express. *The second stage is anger or protest. This is where you realize that the loss you experienced can no longer be denied. You will be angry at the person or object who you thought was responsible for the loss. *The third stage in dealing with loss or grieving is bargaining. Here you are trying to regain control and prevent finality of the loss. You may go to whomever is thought to have the power to change the situation. *The fourth stage is depression. This stage is characterized by despair, withdrawal, lack of interest, and often the individual cannot be comforted. *The fifth stage is Resolution. Here you will see depression lessen and you may begin responding more to those around you in a more normal manner. At this stage you are able to place emotional energy in the present or in planning the future and less in thinking about the past "The final stage of grieving ends when the person returns to an active life in the present". ***This is all from my training. ***The sooner you get to the resolution stage, the sooner you will be able to look towards your future and the pain will be a little softer. ***To answer your question, "when do you get over adoption?" Sweetie, you will never get over adoption. Your baby will always be a part of your heart and you will think of her everyday. Even if you willingly planned the adoption, she would still pull your heart strings, because you are her birth mother and you will always be her birthmother. I wanted to just tell you that the adoption is final now and you cannot change that but I just had a thought, and don't quote me on this, because I do not know the law but I wonder if you sought an agency if you could tell them that your mother forced you to sign the permanent surrender. If I were you, it's at least worth a try. Especially before letting too much time go by. You may totally upset your current household and you may have to go into the foster care system yourself with your child, so weigh all the cost but it wouldn't hurt to give an agency a call, just to see if there is any possible way to get your child back. Also, if you got an open adoption than you should be able to get pictures and have some contact with your baby. If you did not, you can still write your baby, send pictures to the agency/attorney who handles your adoption and tell them that you want your child to have contact with you. The adoptive family, if it was closed adoption may not want contact and at that point your letters and pictures will be saved in your babies file, until she is 18 and you can contact her or she looks for you. Keep us posted and let us know how things go for you.

 

x - August 30

The best site for support is adoptese. I belong to the support group and they have helped me so much. You have to join and wait for an approval, but I know they will approve you. We chat every night at 10:00 central time. I hope to see you there. I didnt think I could talk about it, but these people are awesome and have all been there, including myself. my e-mail is jackson_27A2msn.com if you have any questions. Please at least try the adoptese-forum and see if they can help you. Best Wishes

 

x - August 30

I mean [email protected]

 

to X - August 30

I checked out that site and they are not very nice there. They say that they are not there to talk about the good things about adoption but only the bad things. This is a horrible mindset. How do you heal if you only discuss the bad thing? By not allowing it's members to discuss the positive things too, they are only breading anger and frustration. The more you all talk about it, the more you are going to dislike adoption. And adoption is a good thing. You are not forced to adopt a baby out. It's your decision and if you felt forced when you were 18, then you are misjudging adoption based on your experiences. Maybe even a hanful of people that influenced you or made you feel like you had no way out. Adoption is a good things and it's much better than abortion.

 

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