Am I Overreacting

18 Replies
afireinsideamanda - October 7

so heres the situation... i have a bf whom i love incredibly. ive known him for years, we were in love before we ever started dating...ive been with him for over 6 mos, and we live together... well hes from a different part of the state, about 4 hours from wherei moved, but he moved here to be with me,,, he doesnt have a car right now, due to financial problems and just bad luck...*dont ask* so he cant really visit his family. he comes from an extremely close family, which to me is just alien...my family isnt close at all... so , its a bit weird to me to begin with, like i said... well the first time i experienced meeting his family all together with me, his sister was like, ALL OVER HIM the whole time, dragging him away from me, sitting on his lap, hugging him , just constantly preventing me from acting like his girlfriend at all.. that was REALLY weird to me...i felt like she was trying to push me out of the place as his girlfriend. well anyway, i went to highschool with his sister and we used to be friends, ive always liked her. shes never been rude outrightly to me, but she subtly makes her points...you know?? i know my thinking is all over the place, so excuse me if this is hard to follow.. anyway, the point is hes going to visit his family a couple days after my daughter will be born...friday and ill have her wednesday. he wants me to come, but the last time i was completely ignored, and felt out of place...and uncomfortable. i love him, and i want to be with him so its important to me to have his family like me, and to fit in with them, but it seems like his sister fights me tooth and nail on this.. so today i finally just broke down and sent her a myspace message saying honestly, you dont want me to come with your brother do you?? and she said no... well honestly, i dont think i can handle being away from him in that first bit of madelyns life..i need him for emotiional support. its just bad timing that hes going then, but i understand hes not going to NOT go, one of his two sisters only visits once a year and his family is really important to him, and madelyn isnt even his biological daughter...he hasnt got any obligation to be there with her... god, this is so hard to sum up... but basically, with my hormones,and staying here with my mother, all by myself...hes even taking tobias the cat,even though its his, i wont even have THAT companionship... with abrand new baby, stressed out, worried, and im completely paranoid...so im going to think the worst of everything... is going on without my being there to prevent it..i know he would never cheat on me, ever, but i dont like certain women that he might be surrounded by when he goes there...and i dont trust THEM. period, i dont want them around him without my being there...and im going to obsess and think they have their little skanky hands all over him, and are batting their fake s___tty eyelashes at him the whole time, without my being there to do anything about it... so ill sit here and obsess and worry, and be stressed, and never sleep, and im going to have to fight my mother so hard to even assert my role as madelyns own mother..because my mom is going to assume automatically because im 19 that im not capable of it... so basically, stress, worriedm obsessed, exhausted, and fghting my mother for my rightful role all while missing him and wondering what hes doing the whole time hes gone!(no cell phone...) also, it kind of bothers me, that its a bit important to him to go to this, when even though madelyn isnt his biologically he talks all the time baout how he wants to be like a father to her, and how excited he is to see her and have her with us, and all that...and then he runs off the first few days of her life, leaving me to deal with everything on my own, and theres no getting those first few days of her life back, those memories cant be replaced... i dont know. im just worried about this shit. its stupid...io know i have more to worry about with a daughter coming soon, but i cant help myself... maybe i do have anxiety problems? maybe i should be on medicine? but this has got me really uspet, thinking about the whole thing. i just want his family to accept me as part of them, because whether they like it or not, i love rob and im not going anywhere, and i wont be bullied out of my place... :( i feel a mess.... i know theres really not room for me and madelyn if i go, and i dont want her to keep everyone up crying, and i dont want to be restriction on their family time, and fun... but i dont want to be ignored like i dont exist... can someone help me??

 

musicbaby - October 7

You poor thing. I would be upset too if I was in your situation.... have you talked to your BF about all of this or are you just trying to let him make his oen choices cause he isnt the Dad? If I were you I would tell him pretty much what you have written down here. That you understand that he is close with his family and that he misses them but that this really isnt the right time for you for him to be going away.... and that its not possible for you to make that trip with a brand new baby on board. Tell him that you like his family but dont feel part of it yet and ask him what he thinks you should do to feel like you are a part of it. He may say that he cant miss this chance to see his sister, but at least it will all be on the table.... men are really stupid sometimes and things that we would expect our girlfiends to pick up on will just go straight over a mans head, you have to lay it all out on the table... how you feel, what his actions are making you feel, and what he can do to make it better. Thats just the way that they think and believe me I know its hard to get used to talking that plainly but it will help. If he does go then I guess you just need to let him. If I were in your situation I would be very upset if he went, especially if he wants to be in your babies life... I guess its time to really have a talk about how much in her life he wants to be, because I would doubt that he would be going if it was his baby and you need to know where you stand in all this... not just for you anymore. :-) GL I hope that it all works out amanda.

 

afireinsideamanda - October 7

well the thing is, i HAVE talked to him about it...and it IS only four hours or less away, so i COULD go...

 

DaBonkElsMe - October 7

That's a really tough situation you're in. I think if your BF really wants to be a fatehr to Madelyn, then he has to realize that you and the baby ARE his family now. If he want to have a close family then he has to be with you b/c you are his family. Not saying he has to give up his mom, sisters, ect. Of course it's nice that he has a good relationship with them, but this is not the right time for him to be putting them first! If they are only 4 hours away, why couldn't they come visit the two of you instead? Maybe they wouldn't like that but if they love your BF, they have to respect his decisions. His decision to put them first in all of this is going to make them think you're just not that important to him, and it gives them more amo to bad mouth you about. If he want then to EVER view you and your daughter as a part of his family he has to start acting like you come first sometimes. My DH is very close with his family too, when we first started dating, his sister acted the same way. But after a time they realized that he was serious about me, and that's because he put me first in his decision making. Holiday plans, visits home, no matter what no decision was made that didn't suite me as well. Now I have a great relationship with his family. His sister is like a sister to me too. They live 5 hours away too, and when my baby is born, they are coming here. I know my situation is a little different then yours, but I still think your BF needs to put you first here. How long is his visit supposed to be? Can he compromise and stay with you and the baby a few extra days and then visit his family for a slightly shorter time? I don't think that would be asking for too much.

 

Pipa - October 7

I would tell the sister that you respect that she loves him and is protective of him but that she should respect the role he has chosen to take in your life as your boyfriend as a parent for Madelyn. I would also ask him to speak to her in a nonconfrontational way just cementing his dedication to you and his desire for her to accept and welcome you. Why can't y'all drive up and stay for one night and then come back so you aren't there for days and uncomfortable. One night of a baby crying won't kill them! Also, you know how people are around babies, it might help you bond with some of them women when they melt over your new little girl? Good luck!

 

DaBonkElsMe - October 7

yeah, she probably does, that's my point, if he made you seem important to him, then maybe she'd get it. Not that I'm trying to put him down, he sounds like a good guy and all, it's just (like you said) the timing sucks! As for your worrying over the other girls he will be around, you have to just trust him and that's it. Easier said than done, I know, but you're going to have enough to think about at home with your mom and baby, so you don't need to worry about that too! Can you ask him to call you often? Like as often as possible, just to check in on you? I've never had a baby before either, but from what I hear, you might be so overwhelmed with her and with parenting (happy stuff too, not just exhaustion) that you forget to worry about what he's doing. Either way, try to enjoy your first days with Madelyn, like you said, you won't get them back.

 

afireinsideamanda - October 7

he doesnt have a cell.

 

denimb__terfly - October 7

I'm sorry you are so upset! Please don't think I am thinking anything bad, but... you aren't guaranteed to be out of the hospital 2 days after your daughter being born. First, because this is your first baby and you are being induced- it might take awhile. Second, what if you have to have a c-section? and we know there are other possibilities, but I think you get my point. You really will not be in any condition to go somewhere and visit. Seriously. You will be in pain and wanting to be at home and resting. I know you are getting really upset thinking of all this stuff with your bf going, but honestly, you will be focusing on your own body and little one especially just 2 days later- I promise! So, if he is determined to go, just try to not think about it too much and try to just remind yourself that you trust him and let's get your focus back on you getting that baby out! :-)

 

afireinsideamanda - October 7

i know. but im saying, in the event that i am...which im hoping for the best

 

denimb__terfly - October 8

in the event that you are, there is no way at 2 days postpartum you will want to visit people and definitely not go on a 4 hour drive there and a 4 hour drive back. I promise you!

 

KiyanisMummy - October 8

denimb___terfly - i'm sorry but i have 2 disagree...there are actually quite a few women i know that want to leave hospital within a day after they give birth and that want to be out and about showing off their gorgeous newborn! I know i did! hard to believe but some people just get an amazing burst of energy and need 2 be out with their LO.....just saying she may want to go with her bf...the first few days with a child is vital and if her bf wants to be a father to madelyn then its important he be around too (in my opinion anyway) AMANDA - ask your bf to read the post u just wrote 2 us..if u cant seem to go as in depth as u did here maybe its just easier to copy almost woprd for word what u wrote here...and put it in a letter to him. as for his sister, even though she is going through some of her own stuff at the moment i think its also important for her to understand that while she may be his family by blood, he has chosen you to become part of that family and if she loves her brother and they are as close as they say she needs to accept that u and madelyn are what makes him happy and should be welcoming you. In all honesty if you want to go then go....u shudnt let his sister dictate when you and him are together. ...just my opinion...GL

 

mrssolo - October 8

I have to say I'm with denimb___terfly on this one. I was a young mom myself and it is not easy. But you would be in no condition to go visit anyone 2 days after your daughter is born. It will be hard enough just to take care of her. I know your worried about your mom but It is probably best that you are there with her to help. I don't know what I would have done without my mom there when I first came home from the hospital. I had the same issues about her trying to mother the baby, but I needed her. You don't just bring the baby home and are the perfect mom there is a huge learning curve you need to work out. Birthing a baby is very hard work and very exausting. Whenever baby is sleeping you will need to be sleeping too. I didn't want visitors for at least a week afterward and forget going anywhere I could barely walk or sit for that matter. Granted it's a different situation but ds father was not around much when we came home and we lived together and I didn't mind. I didn't have time for him anyway. A very important part of a relationship is to be able to go your own ways from time to time and not worry about it. If he loves you and he is just going to visit family for a few days everything should be fine. Do I think he should be leaving right after the baby is born? No. of course not but if he has family obligations they are important and he needs to care of that.

 

sarah21 - October 8

Personally, I think things will change when he sees that beautiful little girl for the first time. He will probably change his mind and not want to go at all. You are not over-reacting and I am so sorry this is adding to your stress. Just trust him to make the right decision in the end.

 

afireinsideamanda - October 8

thank you for all of your responses so far ladies. its really helpful!

 

denimb__terfly - October 8

KiyanisMummy- I guess you are the type of person that exposes newborns to everyone- I am the type that knows that their immune systems are not strong and that they are highly susceptible (sp?) to getting sick, so I had visitors come to me and I limited it to family and friends that aren't sick. Anyways, yes sometimes you bounce right back, but I was a young new mom and I just remember the emotional side of everything and I have followed Amanda's pregnancy and I am pretty confident in saying she will probably not want to be going. Simple as that.

 

evae777 - October 15

okay i feel like an old fart, but i have to ask amanda how old is your b/f?? hopefully you have this figured out by now, but here are my thoughts. first i think he must really love you to want to father your child since the child is not his. it stinks that his family has become an obstacle, but i'm sure since they love him they are just being protective since he seems like a man with good intentions. i know how hard this must be since you are pregnant itis nice to have all the support from the most important people inour lives. but the one thing i have learned over & over again is that we can tell our partners, maturely and rationally, what we want & think but ultimately the more you surrender to controlling any situation the better the outcome. when it comes to family, blood is always thicker than water. over time when you consistently continue to treat his family with love & respect, you will no longer become a threat and they will be accepting (unless they are pure evil!) i think once you meet your daughter, this will not be important to you & it will set you free from worryng about him or his sister's clingy behavior... i wish you the best, hang in there:)

 

Tink - October 15

no way in hell would i be going anywhere a few days after giving birth. and no way would my DH expect me to or ask me too- and no way would he leave me during those few days that are precious family bonding time iwth our new baby. If he wanted to do some big family thing- we would re-schedule to do it later. this is a once in a lifetime time in your life.......and we plan to enjoy it with each other and bond. i would NOT want DH leaving and he would know better than to ask. time to put 'your new family' first. when you have your baby, it is time for everyone else to plan around you, at least for the first few weeks. they can come see you if they want to see your BF or the baby that badly. plus, getting baby out in weather or around too many folks isn't a good idea when they are that little anyhow

 

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