Depressed No Support Form Hubby

4 Replies
Diane1010 - March 10

I just wanted to see if anyone else out there feels like I do. I am 34 weeks pregnant and really sad most of the time. I know some of it comes down to body issues. I just feel so fat and ugly. Please don't get me wrong, I am excited to see my baby, but at the same time cannot wait for pregnancy to end. My husband isn't very supportive emotionally. Financially all is fine, we have everything we need....and he seems to think that that is where his "support" should be. Anyway, we haven't had s_x in about 3 months...well maybe one time...but we don't even cuddle...he has no intrest, and is obviously disqusted be me...(sorry if this isn't making any sense, I'm just so upset and sad and I need to vent).We got into an arguement last night and when I was talking to him this morning, he said I've been so miserable the last 4 months he's tired of hearing about my aches and pains. I told him that he's not very supportive and that maybe he could seem a little more interesed...his response???? He said"Well, I may not be the most supportive person (emotionally supportive), but as far as he sees it I just should suck it up and get through it. Maybe I'm being overly sensitive, I don't know...I just feel lonely. I have 2 children from a previous marriage, and he's great with them. I know he'll be fine once the baby is here, it's just really hard now. I have friends and family who know more about whats going on at Dr. visits and with how I'm feeling....I just thought my husband would want to be more involved....It's as this pregnancy is a non-issue....sorry so long...I just needed to get all of this off my chest...

 

elkay - March 10

diane1010, I am very sorry to hear that your dh is not giving you the support that you need and have asked for. I am 18 weeks and just the past few days my dh has begun to act the same way. This is our first child and he has been excited about it, but now he's starting to get cranky whenever I show any emotion at all. This is what I did: I sat down with him when I knew he was in a good mood, and told him that I really needed to share my thoughts with him. He listened and shared his thoughts as well and even though I think he is being selfish, at least we understand eachother. Try speaking with him when you are both in a good mood, that might work out.

 

to Diane - March 10

Some of our hormonal stuff is contagious & they don't even realize it... but they can become total b*tches. In the first trimester, my boyfriend thought I was making excuses for my p|ssiness by saying it was pregnancy... because I was yelling a lot, crying a lot. He's come to understand that was part of that part of pregnancy because I don't do it anymore. He sees how different symptoms shift, become more or less prominent, appear & disappear. The fact that you haven't had s_x or even cuddled... now, that could be you projecting your body image into non-action, but it also could be that your relationship is based on physicality more than you realized. Or a combo of the two. I hope not though. Maybe you can show him women's comments online about wild hormones for 40 weeks. It'd be even better if you had a friend or two who was recently preggo or is now... have him talk to her significant other.

 

To Diane - March 10

I can relate to some of your situation and quite empathize with you. I don't think that as women we should deny our feelings but we do need to take time out to consider them, in the complexity of everything else we are experiencing. My husband in comparison to any man I have had in my life is wonderful. We have been married for four years, together for 8. Our earlier years were like a fairy tale and even now...although not anywhere near as romantic and enchanting, our relationship is deep. But there is definitely one thing I learned about him early on - he tends to be closed emotionally. It takes a lot to "crack" him. If we were to look at spectrums, I am on one end and he's on the other emotionally speaking. I always thought that the man I married would bring me chicken soup, coffee from Tim's, rub my feet, run to store for whatever I needed - when I was down and out. Well he's none of these things. I've been hospitalized twice in our relationship - once in the honeymoon phase as they call it and then much later into our relationship. He was the same each time. He's no nurse! He's the most practical guy I know and there are days when he drives me crazy with his strong interior/exterior. I wish he would "open" and be as emotional as I am - but I know I cannot expect this of him. I stopped expecting him to be My night and shining knight when I was sick - because it just would upset me even more because he wasn't living up to my expectations. Even in pregnancy - we both decided we were ready - in fact I was elated that he "opened" enough to even broach the subject. And he actually did it in the sweetest way - but it was his way and I think back, and say if that was the only way he knew how...then I will take it for what that is worth. He's going to make a great dad. He's not done anything too much to romanticize this pregnancy. I still cook and clean, shop and work full time. He doesn't think to bring the laundry up from the bas____nt...I still have to ask...haha. S_xually...well that has certainly slowed down over the last month or so...its not too often (I'm 35 weeks). And I have the same feelings - okay just because we aren't having s_x...doesn't mean we still can't be intimate. Hugs, kisses, embraces...that sort of thing. As I was really missing and craving these moments...I shared with him briefly..I didn't get deep...but said a few quick words and then I noticed over the next few days that he was making more of an effort to "be close to me". Hugs picked up...some quick kisses...and even playing with the belly. With that change in behaviour, I found myself reaching out more...instead of thinking "why bother" - I now sit with him cuddled on the couch...if even for a few minutes (my back gets sore now). And at night...we find we are reaching out to at least touch one another. These have been improvements...and makes me reconsider how I've been feeling...I'm not going to lay into him...it doesn't help...there's not too much more time left so I'm going to ride it out...if after baby's birth...there isn't a return to the old way of hanging out..then time for a chat. Besides he knows I'm hormonal and oversensitive and likely will a__sume that my need to "talk" is just because of my "condition"...so I will wait, when there are no excuses and he will need to own up to his behaviour. I don't doubt for a second that he loves me. Men, many of them...when a woman complains think immediately they have to "fix" the problem and in our cases...they don't know how...so they avoid it and say stupid things. This is why guys get more concerned and on board re: finances..that they can figure out and help with. Emotions...whole different ball game when you have an emotionally challenged man! I can't make him something he is not...I've known this about him forever. Yes there are days I feel cheated...but I know he loves this baby and can't wait to meet the little one. He's even willing to be a stay-at-home dad if needed...that tells me a lot. He's helped with everything to prepare as well. Been to every appointment. But he still says when I say...oh I can't wait to be off work..."you just stay at work....there's nothing preventing you from working"...to some this sounds terrible...but its just his way. The truth of the matter is and he knows it...I've had an excellent pregnancy...no major complications...and am really healthy...so in his practicality of a world...well why wouldn't you keep working??? See I even laugh about it when I start trying to figure him out...haha. Don't bottle your feelings...that doesn't do you any good...try to see things in a different perspective and remember...this pregnancy impacts us a women much differently than it impacts that of a man. We have to respect the differences. We all want to be pampered, and showered with affection during what we consider an initmate time in our lives..the truth of the matter is...sometimes it just doesn't happen. We need to figure out what we are willing to live with. Good luck...and know you are not alone...I hope this helps.

 

Diane1010 - March 10

Thank you guys so much...you've made me feel so much better. After my post the florist stopped by with a dozen long stemmed roses and a little card. I guess that was his way of saying he understands. We did talk a little bit about it after he got home from work and I'm feeling a better about the whole situation. He's a great guy...but I guess like most, he's not great at the emotional side of things. I don't have that much more time being pregnant, so I'm going to try to enjoy the time I have left. And yes, I have been very hormonal...I really think it does come down to ME feeling bad about my own body issues (which could explain the "lack of intrest" my husband seems to have ime s_xually)I'm very well could be sending out "don't touch me" signals without even realizing it. I am one who is usually at the gym 6 days a week...working my b___t off...since I've been pregnant I haven't even bothered...36 pounds later I feel miserable. But anyway, I thank you for your responses...you really let me know I'm not sitting out here all alone. Good luck to you and your babies!!!!

 

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