Holiday Drama

12 Replies
alirenee86 - October 1

...okay, I'm due November 13th. My husband doesn't have his parents around, my parents are completely thrilled to have their first grandchild. Christmas is always at my parents house as my sister isn't yet married and that's just where we go for Christmas. My husband and I live 2 hours away. My mom made a comment today about how Christmas being at 'Grandma's house'. Now, I know my mother has the best intentions, but we have a new house and will have a few week old baby, a rear wheel drive car in what might be a snowy Christmas and a 2 hour drive to their house is not in our plans this year. We were assuming Christmas and Thanksgiving to be at our house and when I responded to my mom as to please not assume we're going there for Christmas, it got blown out of proportion and she just keeps saying how I'm being nasty and it's terrible how I'm making her feel. I asked my husband to be sure we're on the same page and he's completely against anything but us being home for our first family Christmas. We go to my parents for every single holiday and I'm surprised my mom is not being the first to understand this, even though its my father who is probably giving a hard time about not wanting to make the drive himself because he has bad back problems. Sounds silly I know, but I already feel stressed 3 months before the damn holiday and I'm so upset that my mom is concentrating more on how this is making her feel rather than let it go and understand why we'd want to be home. And, my husband and I have said how we have set up the whole upstairs for when they want to stay, they have a comfortable private space so we have definately made it known that we'd love for them to be here any time they want. Any thoughts or feedback?? Am I selfish or blowing this out of proportion or do I have a right to be upset over this drama for a holiday that's 3 months away!

 

inuk-mama - October 1

No you should be able to stay home and have everyone at your place if that's what you want! There is nothing wrong with not wanting to travel in winter with a newborn. Try talking to them and explaining your reasoning behind your plan. Hopefully you all can come to a suitable solution. I kind of wanted to stay home for christmas since #3 is due November 16th, our son is 1yo. and dd is 8yo. But I haven't spent christmas with my parents for 3 years now so I will fly down to spend two weeks with them over christmas and be back for new years with dh's family.

 

alirenee86 - October 1

That's a nice solution and you haven't been there for a few years and it requires flying. Mine is a 2 hour drive which is nothing if you don't have a newborn baby! I just think it's rediculous that I have to feel guilty about it because my mother of all people is not responding to it right now. And actually telling me it's terrible how I'm making HER feel. We are there for MOthers Day, Father's day, birthdays, holidays, everything all the time every year!!

 

inuk-mama - October 1

Then there is no reason one holiday can't be held at your place!

 

melissap - October 1

I feel for you. My husband is an only child and his parents live across the road and my parents live 25 minutes away. We always alternated holidays and when we had our 1st it was my mom's year. So we made a bunch of trips hauling stuff to mom's and then going to DH's grandparents for supper Xmas eve back to town(live in the country) and when we went to Dh's parents on Xmas day we crashed and slept for 3 hours and ended up opening gifts at 6pm Christmas day. The in laws were sooo mad that they had to wait and we ruined their Xmas. The next year I said I wasn't going anywhere if they wanted to SEE US they Could COME to our house. Now my mom and dad and sister and my grandma come and stay at our house as we are having #3 and just simply cannot move everything. Stand up for what you want to do and they willl get over it. My mom had a fit that we wouldn't go in but then realized that she was going to have to change. Good LUck and relax.

 

alirenee86 - October 1

Thanks Melissap...funny cause my husband is also an only child. And I think you're totally right that they're just not used to this, this is all new to have a daughter with a newborn and the holidays are going to change, and they will HAVE to get over it. I'm not going to continue to stress it and get bent out of shape as my husband has laid it down as to what to tell them if it keeps up. He said too, which I didn't even think about and you mentioned, that we'll be EXHAUSTED and probably be in no shape to even make the trip. I wasn't even thinking of that and then what fun is that for everyone else. I could see my family insinuating that we ruined christmas and it's about OUR new family this year!! I just feel bad that my mother feels MY family is still more about my PARENTS than my husband and new baby. I feel like that is the true root to her problems right now and it makes me feel bad. My husband insists that our priority is him and the baby which I know and we're very supportive and a part of my parents and sister life, but still I feel bad. Stress and worrying certainly don't do anything though especially at such a precious and exciting time!

 

WP - October 1

alirenee86, your mom and mine sound a lot alike. It's beyond me how my mom, who had 3 kids of her own, has become so selfish and has completely forgotten what it's like to have young children! At some point our mothers had to tell their own mothers that they wouldn't be coming over for Christmas day anymore, so why do they make it so hard for us? There's nothing wrong or selfish with wanting to stay at home and you've asked them to stay with you, so I'd say your obligations have been met. It's not like you're asking to be left alone or anything. It's time for us to carve out our own traditions for the holidays!

 

alirenee86 - October 1

Thanks WP, that's what I've been thinking...our own traditions now....and I was born on DECEMBER 16th!!! I'm wondering what my mother said to hers when Christmas came!! I think she lived closer than I do to her now, but still. Plus, I think my mom is pre-menapausal right now so all of our emotions are rediculously out of whack!

 

Tink - October 2

you are not being selfish at all. at some point, your parents will have to realize you have your own 'family' now. i have 3 sisters and a very close knit family- all in our 30s. we always do the holidays at mom's, but sometimes we bump back the date some- i mean, christmas doesn't have to be on christmas. this year, we are doing thanksgiving on that saturday, not thursday, since my sisters are visiting in laws on the actual turkey day. it works out fine. it is about family getting together for us, not the actual day itself. maybe you could have a delayed holiday with them? but i think the best idea is them coming to you. they need to adjust and adapt. it was hard when my sister had her first and they said they were going to do chrsitmas morning on their own this time. but we got used to it. i understand they wanted their own family time- it was special with their new little one. i wouldn't back down- if they want to see you, they'll come to you. i am very fortunate to have parents (30 min away) and in laws (2 hours away) that are both very understanding and will totally adjust to whatever we need or want.

 

Krissy25 - October 2

My MIL is a little nutty about that stuff too, although not as bad as your mom. My ddis 8 weeks old and we went to visit my dh's grandmother, who lives 2 hrs. away when she was 2 weeks old. We are going back again in 2 weeks for a family reunion and 2 weeks after that my MIL wants me and the baby to go back again with her fo a fashion show my dh's grandma will be in. It's just that it's a lot of driving with a young baby and if she gets fussy and hungry we have pull over. It's just kind of funny b/c she doesn't think it's really a big deal but all I can think about is taking care of my dd. I agree, it's like our mom's or MIL's forgot what it was like to take care of babies.

 

docbytch - October 2

alirenee you are totally justified. If your mom cannot understand the unique predicament you are in...She's the one with the problem...not you. I think you are actually going beyond the call of duty to set your place up to have her there for the holidays at all! My DH and I have a policy: NO RELATIVES shall stay in our domicile. We also live safely out of state from all grandparents, aunts, or uncles. I think it's time for your parents to make an exception this christmas. It's also in the best interest of your young infant to NOT travel too far from home where they could likely catch an illness and no one but you or your DH would be stuck dealing with that. Your mom is the selfish one...not you. Good luck on this one!!

 

alirenee86 - October 3

Thanks, I start to feel guilty like maybe I sounded too harsh by saying, 'please don't a__sume we're coming there for Christams this year' like maybe it crushed her initially but she's got to get over it. That puts me in check to hear she's being selfish and it's hard for me to swallow cause she's the least selfish person in the world. I truley feel she thinks I'm just coming across as being nasty.

 

redmondsky - October 3

Hi - We have experienced just what you are going through now. My Mom has always been the big "party planner" and we love her for it - HOWEVER - she has had a terrible time letting go and realizing that the kids have grown up and it's time to hand over the "reigns" of party planning/hosting to the younger generation! We too live 2 hours from my parents (my hubbies parents are all within half hour of us)...the year we gave birth to our first baby - dec 4 - we broke the news that white knuckle driving in a snowstorm with a newborn was not going to feasible - that we would LOVE to have them to our place for christmas dinner. At first we met with quite a bit of resistance BUT now they are just fine with it. However she has still not given up her christmas eve party and I have been clear that if they choose to hold onto this tradition (which we have to respect and understand) they will be missing out on time with us......I think the best thing is to try to keep the lines of communication open - no matter how tense. This way as the dialogue opens....so will some more understanding and hopefully over time it will sort itself out! I sure feel for you and know exactly what you are going through....over time my folks have come to accept the pa__sing & mixing of traditions from one generation to the next. Thing is - Christmas is family time - however you choose to celebrate it....you want to focus on your kids now - it's about them more than anything - playing outside in the snow, eating some yummy food etc...music etc....I dunno - as a young family you will define your own traditions and maybe the odd year it will include a road trip. But now it's time to "share" the driving, packing, etc...! cheers, michelle

 

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