How Do I Get Over This

9 Replies
kad - June 1

hi, i just need to get this off my chest as its eating me up inside. ok myself and dh were trying for a baby for 5 years we went through all the infirtility stuff and even made an appointment for a laperoscapy, but before i went in for it i found out i was prenant we were so happy and we couldent believe we got preg all by ourselfs, anyway pregnancy went fine a few scares as i went into premeture labour at 31 weeks but doc stop my contractions with a drip , then at 39+5 days i went into labour got to 8 cent and was told i couldnt do this as my baby went into distress and they thought her heart stopped. was so upset i thought i would die and not just cuz of baby but because of c-section i had my heart set on a natural pain relief free birth. i was never so scared in all my life. went to theater and had my a beautiful baby girl that i love more then anything else in this world.(who was born perfectly healthy by the way) but i was and still am devestated that i missed out on holding her to my chest and feeling her wet slippy skin on mine i know is sounds pretty sad to be upset over such things but being handed a clean wrapped up baby is just not what i wanted i wanted her as she was when she came out. but when i held her i felt something i never thought possible it was this kinda feeling i can only describe as love in its purest form. so my problem was not that i didnt feel love for my baby it was that i wasnt getting love from my husband who was there with me through out this whole expeirience i mean he was sweet and careing when i was in labour and when i had her but once i got to the ward it was as if he just ignored me he would bearly even smile at me i was so hurt i felt he was ruining this whole new happieness for me. dont get me wrong he visited every day and brought me gifts and flowers but it was a struggle to get him to make conversation and i had had to ask for a kiss before he went home he just spent all his time holding his daughter and talking and smiling at her i felt so alone didnt help that i was in so much pain i couldent see strait i just wanted some kind of oh i dont know praise maybe? or comfort even a well done or i love would have been nice...... he was always so loving and caring before she was born why did he have to just change when i needed him most? when we got home everything went back to normal but even 4 months down the line i still resent how he was with me and i feel i cant forgive him everytime i think back to what should have been the best days of my life its tainted with the memorys of being alone and afraid i was losing him (even though he was there lol) am i just being pathatic? how do i get over this???? sorry its so long i really needed to write that :-)

 

Brandie in Ga - June 1

Hey Kad, My husband and I went through this exact same thing but without the C/S...He was there for me through the whole delivery but as soon as my son was out of me and then out the door to be cleaned and what not he was gone too...He came back long enough to make few phone calls and gone again.He was more into his son then he was me and for years that affected our relationship.To the point we almost divorced last year.I never told him how that made me feel.Im not sayin Im more important to his child but dang I had just carried and birthed his son I wanted some respect and love and didnt feel I got it....Well when we had our problems last yr we talked about it all and I finally expressed to him how that one day how he made me feel.He honestly didn't know he made me feel that way.Now Im 7 months pregnant and Due August 4th and he tells me everyday he WONT do it again he will be there for me....I recommend you talk to your husband about this now so there is no risk of it affecting you later.Always be honest with your spouse and things will work out...I know its hard and u hurt but you can do it and it will be better in the end.Good Luck

 

ashley - June 1

i can't say for sure, but I bet he was just thrilled ot have a baby as well after 5 years and probably didn't mean to be that way or didn't know he was being that way. This whole experience though he didn't go through the labor and birth, still changed his life too! Have you even tried to talk to him about it and ask him about it?

 

kad - June 1

i did talk to him about it, and he was there for the birth, but he just says he was tired and overwhelmed, how does he think i felt?! and it was more then just that, it was like he was angry or in a mood, i had this distinct feeling i had done something wrong and it really upset me. brandie like u i always let what happend effect the way i see my dh, and i just cant seem to let go espesially since i had waited so long for my baby and planned everything but nothing went to plan i ended up with a c-section and all sorts of complications even the b___st feeding i had waited so long to do went all wrong i ended up pumping and feeding her b___stmilk for 2 months till my supply went dry due to antiboitics(sp), i thought my dp would have been the last thing i had to worry about!

 

Been There - June 1

Kad, I understand that you wanted more attention, but you are really upsetting yourself over something you should try let go of. People react differently to situations. Maybe he was overwhelmed with joy and just didn't know what to do. Maybe watching the surgery and what you went through made him feel like you were too fragile to touch. Maybe he felt like he was giving you a break. Maybe all he could think of was how worried he was about you and the baby and just bottled up those feelings as not to scare you. You know how it can be to fight to hold back tears and your just fine until you're forced to speak and then the emotions just flow. Maybe by not talking about it, he was trying move past his fear of what could have happened to you, but didn't want to upset you by telling you. His only excuse to avoid it was to say he was tired. How could it help you emotionally for him tell you he was so terrified of losing two people he loved so much? I'm not by any means telling you your feelings aren't valid, but I do think you read too much into his actions. He loved you and showed you love right up until you delivered. You were probably so emotional at the time that you scared yourself into believing that the reaction you wanted and didn't get was a sign of something else. You even say things went right back to normal. He still loves you. I think you should forgive him and let it go because other than him not reacting the way you wanted him to, nothing else seems to be wrong. He's only human and people don't always act the way we'd like them to. I could see if he continued not showing affection or treated you wrong, but it's very obvious from your post he really does love you and his child. It's just that at that time, the child filled his world and took up his attention. Men are very different than women and (not ignoring the lack of physical attention he could have shown), the gifts and flowers showed he cared. I think it may have been the way he tried to express himself because at the time, it was what he could think of. He was in just so in awe to have your daughter after all this time, he just needed to spend time with her. I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you in anyway. Forgive him and enjoy him. Appreciate him for all the other things he does and don't continue to hold this against him. Don't let an incident that amounts to .00001% of things in your relationship ruin the 99. something % of what you have that is positive and good between you.

 

kad - June 2

hi, been there ur post had me in tears it just help bring back all the memories of how he acted and ur right i think he was extremly worried its only now that i remember how he cried when i was brought into theater he was literaly shaking i could feel him shaking as he held my hand and how he brought my big bunches of flowers and then a single rose that he said was espesially for me!.sniff,sniff i cant believe i let what happend cloud over all the good stuff i was almost 2 weeks in hospital and i dont remember once eating the hospital food i brought me in all my favorites, now i feel like i should be apoligising to him for the way iv been with him these last few months, thank you ladies so much for helping me see some sence, u dont know just how much u helped me.

 

Mommy_Erin23 - June 2

Your not silly. The immediate post partum is very intense, But if things have gone back to normal I would try your best to put it behind you. Giving birth is a crazy expirience with so many emotions and you had every right to be upset and want to be comforted, but he probably didn't mean to hurt you. Its sounds like the both of you were really looking forward to this child and he was likely as emotionally out of sort as you. Take a good look at him and ask your self "does he love me? Does he love our child? " and most importantly, even though you were hurt "Do I love him?" if the answers are yes' then put it behind you or seek some help and support to help you do so. If not then you have think about whats best for you. Good Luck and Best Wishes.

 

Nora1 - June 2

Been There... I think these are very good suggestions that you've given! And kad, I'm glad you have had a change of heart. It sounds like you and your husband have a very good relationship and he's very involved with the whole birth. I hope my husband treats me as well!

 

miraclebaby - June 2

kad, hope things are better for u, it almost sounds like you are dealing with post pardum, which is natural. I did not get to hold my first baby right away either, but I thank god all the time for giving him to me. Things could be alot worse than not holding her. And as far as dh goes I feel that he was probably in shock or overwhelmed. In time, all of this will go away, if it does not talk to the doc. about post partum. Take care and good luck.

 

Been There - June 2

Kad, I'm so glad to be of help and very happy for you that you feel better about things. Best wishes to you and your family!

 

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