I Feel Like I Have No Control Over Anything Venting Corner

9 Replies
Kl - December 6

I need to vent! Im going crazy my MIL is driving me nuts. Unfortunatly I live right next door to her. This is her first grandchild. She Goes with me to every doctors apt (EVEN THE ONES WHERE IM BEING CHECKED INTERNALY), She says since she is going to be in the dilevery room with me that she should be at the doctors w/ me. I hate this because I am a very shy person I feel uncomfortable enoughf about the fact that va___al delivery is very exposing. I try to sleep when I come home from work she comes over and knocks on the door just to show me stuff for the baby. I have this wierd feeling that she thinks that for some reason Im not going to wan to be a parent anymore and thinks shes going to get to have the baby! she has already bought a carseat for her car and talks about her all the the time like shes hers! Why is this happining for me?? I feel like shes going to try to take my child away from me as soon as shes born!! I dont want her going anywhere with my baby and I want to be able to hold her without her trying to hold the baby all the time. Shes a good person but she just has gone to far! how do I take control of this situation?? Im am not good at talking about how I feeI dont want her to feel bad. I have this feeling that im just going to snap and flip out lol. Also I would liketo know (for non first time mothers) how do you feel when the babys born do you want to be left alone or is it nice to have sombody take care of the baby every now and then to give you a break? Or am i going to want to be near my baby all the time? I need to know if im just stressing out for no reason.

 

dew - December 6

you should tell her how you feel. just focus on your feelings and not her actions when you tell her. let her know that she is needed and wanted but you need space. she sounds like the mom on "everybody loves raymond". a little over baring. but trust me you may need that eventually. once the "honeymoon" is over and you are jugling the baby and real life, she may come in handy, so be honest but very very empathetic.

 

jill - December 6

Oh my goodness - dear it is just not normal to have your mil at internal exams!!!!!

 

Sasha - December 6

I just took a hospital tour and the tour guides said you can ask the nurses to tell whomeever that you'd like them to leave the delivery room. The nurses will tactifully tell whomever that they need to leave. She seems like she's driving you crazy and you probably don't want her in the delivery room! I also think new grandparents think they can 'do it better' the second time. Just set some boundaries, like not having her in the delivery room and in your internal exams (that would make ME feel uncomfortable and I'm fairly 'liberal'). But she'll come in handy when you need to go somewhere without the new addition. Be thankful for that!

 

lmrod55 - December 7

I would sit her down and let her know how you feel - I am sure it will be difficult but you will get thru it. Let her know that as a first time parent you are nervous about things and need support from her - not for her to take control (even if you have to politely reminder her that you are the parent not her). As for the delivery room - if you don't want her in there, let her know that you want it to be you and dh and she can come in after they have the baby cleaned up (or whenever you feel comfortable)...explain to her that you want that experience for you and dh and you want that bonding time (how can she deny the bonding time??)After the baby comes you will definetly need someone to help you out - but on your terms! I know that with our first even though I HATED to be away from her I NEEDED to be away from her...date night with hubby or lunch with girlfriends. Yes, you have a new role but don't forget that you are an individual and will need your own time! Good luck! - ld

 

lmrod55 - December 7

Also wanted to add that you should first talk to hubby about your feelings and make sure he understands what you want...you'll need him there with you when you talk to MIL and you need his support.

 

Ginny - December 7

I agree that getting your husband's support would be a good idea. Your MIL sounds sweet, but doesn't understand boundaries, so it's up to you and your dh to set them yourselves - even though it sounds painful! One way to do that without confronting her directly, is to just avoid her. If she comes over when you want to rest, don't answer the door. When she asks about it later, you can say, "I was so exhausted that I didn't hear the door bell during my nap." Or if she insists on ringing the doorbell over and over, go to the door in your bathrobe and say the same thing. Then, maybe in the future, she'll consider your life before coming over to interrupt it. Also, you can just not tell her when your next appointment is, then go without her (if she already knows, call and make a different apptmt). Then when she asks, you can say, "I'm beginning to feel very self-conscous, so going alone makes me feel more secure. I'll be sure to let you know what the doctor says!" If you avoid her, then she will most likely bring it up, giving you the oppurtunity to confront her without making the first move. Just know what you want to say, so that you'll be prepared when it happens. I don't mean to be so wordy, but your MIL sounds like ALOT of the people in my and my dh's family. They are well meaning and pushy, and they a__sume that their actions don't bother anyone if no one speaks up. Last word of advice - don't worry about getting cranky or b__wing up at her - most people just a__sume it's your hormones!

 

JONI - December 7

oh my goodness...people like her are so aggravating. they think that they have to control everything. you probaly do not want to hurt her feelings at all, but it will all come to a point to where you will eventually tell her to back off. People like her enjoy feeling in control and they don't really think beyond their own motives. the next time she comes to the door when you are trying to sleep...don't answer. if she tries to call...don't answer. she'll eventually get the point. I have a hard time dealing with situations like that too. BUT...there comes a time where we have to stand up for ourselves no matter what anybody thinks. just do it. good luck!!!!!! :)

 

Kl - December 7

Thank you so much for all your help and advice. Hopefully I will rack up the nerve to set my boundries soon. I just wish I didnt have to deal with this at all it stresses me out and keeps me awake to think about it. I think I will see how I feel in dilevery if I really cant take I will tell her then... like if she stands back and isnt checking me out down there then I will be ok but if not shes out lol. also I think it is definitly time for a long talk with the husband about it. Im just hoping this behavior is excitment for the baby and she will get over it...if not Im going to have big problems. O and I also made a "do not disturb" sign for our door maby that will help lol.

 

CL - December 8

Hubby should have a talk with her. Good luck.

 

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