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I was finishing up 12 weeks yesterday (Thursday, Oct. 16th) when I went to the OB. My last visit was at 8 weeks and we saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound.

One Monday, October 13th I had a very slight bit of spotting on my underwear and some lower back pain (right at the waistline on both sides). The spotting continued through Thursday. I had a bad feeling going in to the OB on Thursday. She used the doppler to try to hear the heart, but had no success. She then got the ultrasound out and did an external with no success. When she did the internal probe I could tell something was wrong because she got very serious and quiet and then said it doesn't look good.

I had a sense something was wrong on the way in to the city to go to the OB, so I told my husband my preferences of what to do if it was bad news. I told him I'd prefer to have a medicine induced miscarriage at home rather than a D&C if possible.

That is exactly what I told the doctor when she gave me that bad news that the baby was measuring about the same size as it was at my 8 week appointment. She said it looked like it had died in it's 9th week. Meaning that I had been walking around with it for 3 1/2 weeks.

Normally Cytotec (the ulcer drug that can induce labor and cause a missed miscarriage to actually miscarry) is not used past the 8th week. She conferred with a few other doctors and they agreed to allow me to try it. I was given 6 pills - 3 to insert vaginally (lay down for 30 minutes) and 3 to be inserted vaginally another 8 hour later.

I was instructed to come back on Monday (4 days later) for an ultrasound to make sure all the tissue (like the placenta) had expelled and if it didn't I'd be scheduled for a D&C on Tuesday or Wednesday.

So I went home, prepared for the delivery by stocking up on overnight maxi pads, pain medication and towels for the bed. When my husband came home from work we started the process. He wet and inserted 3 of the pills at 11:30 PM. By 12:30 AM I started to get cramps/contractions. It began by feeling like pressure up by my cervix and progressed to get stronger - like a pole or knife was being shoved in and taken out. I got the chills and put on 2 pairs of socks, sweats, 2 shirts and a terry robe and got under the down comforter and put the heating pad on. I was shaking.

At around 1:15 AM I felt a surge of what I thought was blood...but it turned out to be that my water broke. The pain got worse and stronger and so did the chills. I got nausea. Then at 2 AM the baby passed. The doctor warned me that since I had been carrying her (I am using her, even though I have no idea whether it was a boy or girl) for nearly a month she might not be recognizable.

I scooped her up - and I believe what I saw in the parts was a spinal column, the tiny umbilical chord and what caused me to emotionally break down was what I believe to be her tiny face - her nose and mouth. At that point what was happening really hit me and I started to sob uncontrollably. For the next 2 hours I stayed in the bathroom - suffering from more cramps, chills, diahrea set in, and dizziness. The experience was obviously not pleasant, but it was not unbearable. I expected way more bleeding than I was experiencing.

I took a vicodin shortly after the baby was delivered and it didn't really help with the pain - it just made me really sleepy. I must have fallen alsleep at some point on the ceramic floor. I woke up at 4 AM and moved to the bed. I was not bleeding much at that point and the cramping had subsided so set the alarm for 7:30 AM so that I could wake up and take the 2nd dose of pills.

At 7:30AM my husband inserted the last 3 pills. I fell back asleep. I still wasn't bleeding much to my suprise. Around 2 PM I began to pass what I thought was a big clot - it turned out to be the placenta. After that I really did not have much if any cramping and the bleeding was minimal - even less than I would have if I was having my period.

The most traumatic thing to me was the moment I realized that I had delivered the baby - because even as prepared as I "thought" I was and as accepting that miscarriage is natural and that God knows what he is doing, I was overcome with sense of grief and sadness at that moment when faced with the reality that my pregancy REALLY was over.

It's exactly 24 hours from when I took my first dose of medication to start the miscarriage...and I've had a lot of emotions in the past 24 hours. I'm not mad, I'm not angry. I just feel a little empty, disappointed and sad.

I believe that either something was seriously wrong with the baby (we were not trying to get pregnant, so I wasn't proactively taking folic acid and prenatals before we got pregnant this time like I was when we became pregant with our first child) or something is wrong with me (my sister had multiple miscarriages and it turned out her progesterone level wasn't maintaining the right levels).

Hopefully all the tissue came out and my ultrasound on Monday will show that I won't need a D&C next week.

Delivering the baby at home was devestating enough (my last child was breech so I had her by c-section without ever having experienced a contraction). My OB suggested to wait at least 2 cycles before trying for another baby.

I am planning to continue taking my prenatals and I have even asked my husband to start taking multivitamins with selenium and folic acid to help improve the chances that we have no nural tube defects and that our bodies are prepared the next time we try.

I know this was a graphic description of what happened, but reading other people's descriptions of what it's like to have a medicine induced miscarriage helped me to prepare for what I experienced last night. I really appreciate everyone's bluntness and honesty.

Having gone through this has given me a newfound appreciation for all women who have given birth naturally, because the contractions I was having during this miscarriage were bad enough to make me want to have another c-section. I cannot imagine the pain women go through when delivering a full sized baby...but I am still hopeful that someday I will be able to experience that - vbac or once again by c-section.

My thoughts are with you all and I hope you all recover well physically and emotionally. Thank you for having this discussion group. - Kat3M

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