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Oh boy. I don't know where to start. First of all, I think anyone reading your post can feel your pain and understand how real it is. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. If I could give you a big, long hug, I would.

Now...

You are NOT being selfish or unreasonable simply by wanting a baby. Many, many people on this board know the intense, almost physical longing you're talking about. Personally, I think many of us are hard-wired for it. I think it's literally in our genes. Having babies is, after all, our biological JOB. Not that a woman can't be 100% fabulous woman without having children...I'm just saying that from a purely biological standpoint, there's a reason females have a maternal instinct and crave having and nurturing babies. Part of the problem may be that your husband can't understand what it feels like for you. Is there anything he wants as much as he wants air to breathe that you could use as an analogy to help him understand?

Anyway, you are not required today to know how you'll feel two years from now or even a year from now. And you weren't required on the day you got married to know how you'd feel about children today. Sorry. Those things are fluid and changeable. And should be. Wouldn't it be awful if human beings hit a certain point, with a certain mindset/thoughts/feelings/dreams and lived the remainder of their lives forever unchanged? Yuk!

You didn't lie to him - you thought it was okay with you to never have another child - but that has changed now. You are as entitled to your feelings as he is to his. If it were the other way around - if he'd been the one to change his mind - that would be okay too. If the two of you are partners in your relationship, then his feelings do not outrank yours or vice versa. If nothing else, please stop apologizing for your desire to have children. It's not wrong. It's not what your husband wants you to feel, but it's not wrong to feel that way. You are ALLOWED to change your mind. You are ALLOWED to want a baby. I'm not saying that you should automatically win the argument either. I'm just saying that the debate should be more equitable than it sounds.

If your husband cheated on his ex after the birth of both of his sons, he definitely has some stuff to work on. I mean...why did he do that? What's that about? And now he just thinks that the way to avoid that kind of behavior in the future is to avoid babies? How about dealing with the real issue(s)? It wasn't the having of the babies that led him to cheat. It wasn't. Really. It may have been feelings that arose during the pregnancy or during early infancy but whatever they were, there were healthier ways to deal with and resolve those feelings. He wasn't required to cheat because of them and he wouldn't have to react the same way with you even if he had the same feelings. I'm sorry, but you asked so I'm going to call it like I see it - that sounds like a total cop out to me and a very childish one at that. Instead of being honest and examining what actually went wrong and what he could have done differently, he just blames it on the baby-making and bans further children because that's why he was 'forced" to cheat on his wife. No. It wasn't. That's absurd.

As for him resenting you....okay...but again...there should be equity in this debate. In all honesty, no matter how much you love your husband, you may end up resenting HIM in a big way over this. It's not even just the decision about the child - it's how callous he's being about your feelings and needs. And yes...it DOES sound callous to me. He's allowed his feelings too but there are many ways to express them. If my husband and I were in your shoes he might need to stick to his guns about not wanting to have children but it would tear him up to see me in so much pain. I don't hear anything remotely like that in your description. The question of whether or not you actually get to have another child is big enough but how he treats you through all of this is going to be JUST as important to you a few years down the road I'll bet.

You're 34 years old and you're right - your clock is ticking. I'm what happens when life gets in the way of a ticking clock. I took care of two invalid parents for over a decade and it nearly did me in. There was no way I could have had children during that time. I was exhausted beyond words already. So here I am, trying to get pregnant with my first child at 44. I'm not going to give up until I stop ovulating forever but we've been trying for 18 months and have already tried everything short of IVF which we can't afford and it hasn't worked. Not that I'd want to choose differently with my parents necessarily, but I'm incredibly cognizant, every day, that my fertility slipped away as I was focused on my parents all those years. I don't know what I'd have done differently but it tears me up inside that I may have missed my chance at something that is so viscerally important to me.

You need to know - for you - why you want to have a baby. Do you want one to experience what it would be like to raise a child with a hands-on Dad since you didn't get to do it that way before? Do you want a baby because you specifically want that tie with your husband...a little person in whom and through whom the two of you will live on together? Or do you want a child because YOU want a child...and need another child to feel "complete" in life? Or all of the above? (Or something I didn't think of?)

I think it's important to know why we want what we want. It helps us figure out if it's a want that will fade or if it's a "must have" kind of life thing. It helps us figure out what we could/should be willing to do in order to get it. For instance, if it's really about getting to share the raising of a child with a man you love, but you become convinced that having the child will COST you the man you love - that's a self-defeating goal. But maybe you can experience something close to that by helping to raise the grandchild with him.

On the other hand, if having another child is something YOU need, for yourself, because you're only 34 and are finding out that you need to be a mother again in order to feel "complete" in life - then staying with a man so adamantly opposed to having children might end up not being the right decision for you. Especially when, after ten years, the resentment over the situation could ruin the relationship AND leave you too old to finally have that baby you want so much.

I'm NOT telling you to leave your husband! Not at all. There must be a good reason why you love him so much. I'm just saying that you should maybe consider counseling on your own to really help you figure out what's going on for you and what your highest life priorities are and for guidance about how to handle this situation. And, of course, I think your hubby needs to have some therapy himself to find out what's going on with him too....and how to handle the situation.

The trick in any marriage is to balance your own needs and the needs of the person you love, right? Yours is a pretty rough situation to do that in. I don't think it's impossible, but you really might need some help.
When you discuss therapy with your husband, I'd be careful how I present it. He's probably feeling defensive and is imagining that you want the therapist to somehow "fix him" so that he wants a baby. That's going to make him feel threatened and if he goes at all he may not be very open or responsive.

Instead, I think you should say - and mean - that the goal is to help both of you work through the issue and find a way to get back on the same side...whatever that turns out to be. You could get back on the same side by agreeing to have a baby, not have a baby, or even to adopt a baby. Who knows what the solution will look like but the goal should genuinely be to find a way to support each other and get back on the same side in a way that is acceptable to both of you.

Good luck! Keep us posted.

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