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MY DAUGHTER IS FIVE NOW. THIS PAST YEAR IS THE FIRST YEAR I'M STARTING TO FEEL LIKE MYSELF. I HAD POSTPARTUM SO BAD. I HAD THIS FOGGY HEADED FEELING. I FELT LIKE MY HUSBAND WAS BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME. I WANTED TO RUN AWAY AND NOT TELL ANYONE. I WANTED TO DIE. I WAS SO NERVOUS, PARANOID, ANGRY. I WAS SO TIRED I FELT SICK. I WOULD HIT MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL, SCRATCH MY ARMS. SOMETIMES I WISHED MY DAUGHTER WOULD NOT WAKE UP. AND I WOULD THINK "OH WELL". I WISHED I HAD NEVER HAD HER. I WAS MAD THAT I DID THIS TO MYSELF. I DIDN'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW I WAS FEELING THIS WAY. CAUSE I KNEW THEY WOULD PUT ME AWAY IN A HOSPITAL. I WAS SCARED. I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING CRAZY. EVERY TIME I ASKED WHY BEING A MOM WAS SO HARD. EVERYONE WOULD SAY" YOU JUST DO IT" OR " THIS IS WHAT YOU ASKED FOR" I FELT EVEN WORSE ABOUT MYSELF. NOBODY SAW MY PAIN. IT WAS HELL. I TRIED SO HARD TO HANG ON. TO GET THROUGH THIS PERIOD OF MY LIFE. THERE WAS A CELEBRITY ON T.V. THAT SAID SHE HAD POSTPARTUM. THAT'S HOW I KNEW I HAD IT. THIS IS A SMALL PART OF MY STORY. HOPE IT HELPS.

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