Pregnancy Info HOME

I am so glad to have found you. I suffered so badly from depression before and after my first child that he was an only child for 10 years. Recently, I've made significant lifestyle changes trying to combat the root causes of the depression (child hood abuse, rotten first marriage, etc.) and am in such a better place than I've ever been. I'm off antidepressants after 10 years on them. I can get out of the bed for the first time since... ? I remarried a wonderful man, got pregnant -new life. For the first time in my life, no depression to be found. Then about 1 month after my son was born (he's almost 5 months now) WHAM! It was like being hit by a flying projectile. I emotionally fell to the ground. What was that awful thought???? The panic and fear that that thought brought with it. " I really am a monster- I'm going to hurt him, my baby is going to be gone (!) and I'll be sent away and my husband will hate me and my life will be over and.. and... and...." it was awful. But what made it even worse, if that's possible, was the feeling (there's fear again) that I can't tell anyone.( It took me two tries before I could give my email address to this forum (irrational fear-what if "they" trace me through my address and come and take my baby?) They would take him away..........if I really would hurt him then I WANT them to take him away but I WON'T......will I ? Oh, God. This is horrible. And I didn't recognize it as anything because I thought that I knew depression so well.... I don't have overt OCD symptoms-I didn't know that my huge FEAR and WORRY were symptoms. I stopped watching the News years ago 'cause it stressed me so much. I do find myself doing minor repetitive things to alleviate the fear, all the knives in the drawers face away from me etc.. And then I find you and other places and I realize that, although not healthy, this is "normal" and I'll be ok and most importantly, the baby will be ok.
And if it gets to be too much, I CAN go get help. They will NOT take my child. Relief. Tears of relief.

reply