Just Found Out Very Scared Excited

56 Replies
rae - September 28

i dont know very much about all this yet, and unfortunately i dont have a lot of time to learn. i just found out that i am pregnant about 3 weeks ago, and in trying to decide what was best for me, my boyfriend, and my baby, i learned that i am actually 29 weeks along, or thereabouts. that means that i have two months to prepare for the big day. we are planning on going with adoption because we arent emotionally and financially ready to support a child the way it should be. i am having second thoughts about that though, because i really dont want to give my baby up... even right now. i cant imagine after birth how i will feel. basically, my question is does having a c-section make you less attached to the child, and how does this all work? i have to return to work almost immediately afterwards, so is natural childbirth a longer recovery period or shorter. im so excited, but i am terrified. i cant talk to anyone about this, we are keeping it very hush hush since we are going the adoption route. we figure it will be better for us and everyone we know if we just keep it to ourselves and the people who have to know. but anyhow, i cant talk to anyone, and im so nervous. im just so worried right now. any help would be so appreciated. this is a very happy but scary time for me. im only 19....


M - September 28

First i want to say that with both natural and c-section you will be attached to your child.Also if you have to go back to work natural is best.If you dont want anyone to know have a c-section will be very obvious.I just want to say if you are not 100% sure about giving your baby up please think about it-you still have 10wks.Also I'm 19 and pregnant and doing it by myself-I think you can do it it will be two of you instead of one.Just a quick question where you still getting your period is that why you didnt know you were pregnant?


rae - September 28

yeah.. i have always had very abnormal periods... i skip three months and think nothing of it. especially since i was on the pill at the time. i guess i must have gotten irresponsible with it, or perhaps i fell into that 1% who get pregnant on the pill. anyhow, i knew nothing about it until i was around 6 months. maybe slightly before that. my boyfriend noticed my stomach getting bigger in a way that wasnt "normal weight gain" and i noticed it too. when my period didnt come that month we got a test and tried that. we were actually going to go with abortion at first, which made me so depressed, but we both agreed that we couldnt do it. when i went to the first clinic, they gave me a positive test result. a week later they gave me the news that i was past 14 weeks and they couldnt preform the operation. then they sent me to another clinic which took another week or so, and that was yesterday that i went in and found out very quickly that i was too far along to ever have an abortion. it was the biggest relief, yet scariest moment of my life. neither of us wanted me to have the abortion, and we found that out as soon as i came downstairs and told my boyfriend. i cried and cried... but as for your question, i was spotting up until around june, even a little after that. like i said, that was completely normal for me. and the way that i got through the morning sickness without knowing is that im a vegitarian, and the only foods that made me sick were meats, and that was only to the smell.. sausage, clam chowder, burgers... all that made me feel sick, but ive never liked the smell of meat, so once again.. normal. i asked the nurse i worked with.. an amazing woman from the clinic where i live who made me feel as comfortable as possible when telling me the news... how i could have possibly gotten to 6 months without knowing, and she said that she gets it a lot. that it is very common when women arent expecting to be pregnant, and especially when its the first pregnancy. she said if you dont think you are pregnant, then your body sometimes just goes with your mind.. one of those mind over matter things. i can see in some instances it is true, because i didnt gain any major weight until these last few weeks... since i found out. it was just this little pudge right in the right place that made us question it. if we didnt, god, i dont know what could have happened... baby kicks a lot. its constantly on the move. im so terrified of the pain of childbirth, and actually going through with it, but mostly that im going to hold that child in my arms and im not going to want to give it up.. ever. since we just found out yesterday how far i am, we still have a lot to talk about... i know we could do it. that we could take care of this child, i just dont know if we would be able to give it the life it deserves. there are so many couples that cant concieve that would love the opportunity to have a bundle of joy in their lives, that would be able to truly care for this child, and would financially be able to support it all its life... but i know they couldnt love it as much as i do... just very close. anyhow... thanks for the reply. sorry mine in return was so long. like i said, i havent been able to talk about it to anyone... we just moved, and so the people we know from our hometown that moved with us know, my best friend back in my hometown knows, and one other person. its like a total of 6 people including my boyfriend and i. so, you can imagine i need someone right now... im sure.. so, thanks... are you going with c-section, and also, how is it more noticable? my work can know, i just dont really want my family to know..... so, once again, any help is so appreciated....


Deb - September 28

Hi, you are very brave and unselfish to consider making a treasure out of your little surprise! C-sections have little to do with bonding with your baby, however, it will be forever obvious that you had one for the rest of your life. Sure it could have been another type of operation, but then, wouldn't your family have known if you had a "non-baby" operation? C-sections require you to be off work for longer. It isn't just a pain issue, it is the amount of time new tissues take to be formed to support you abdomenal organs, make new skin, muscle cells, etc. So even if you feel ok after a couple weeks, your body will still be under major repair work. Good Luck, you and your boyfriends are heros in my book, God Bless you, your baby and the lucky parents who get the gift of a lifetime!


rae - September 28

thanks so much. i havent been able to go to a doctor yet, so i havent gotten any information like this. my first appt. is the tenth, so i guess then is when i will be finding out everything for sure.. due date and everything. i am really really wanting to keep our child, but my boyfriend is being the rational one and reminding me why we would have even thought to go through something like abortion in the first place. we wouldnt be able to welcome a baby into the world properly. it seems so easy to be selfish, though, and keep it for myself. i know there is no way im going to get through this without an attachment, i just didnt know if one form of birth was more... i dont know, impersonal i suppose, than the other. but i totally see what you guys are saying, and i have known from the beginning, well, i guess three weeks ago, that this was going to end up being the hardest thing ive ever gone through. when you say it will be forever obvious, do you mean the scar? ive heard different stories.. from the nicest - the scar was so tiny and was so low no one would be able to tell - to the horror stories which i wont even go into, because no one wants to hear about sadness when talking about babies. all i know is i love this kid, and there is nothing im ever going to be able to do to stop loving him or her. it has such spunk. i dont know whats normal, but i can look at my stomach and see it moving when it kicks, and it is constantly on the move. i love it, but hate it at the same time. kind of a catch 22, in a weird way. i just dont know what would be easier mentally for me. i can handle pain, even though im not really looking forward to the pain... but i didnt know what would stay with me longer.. a scar, or the memories of childbirth. i mean, they are both childbirth, but natural just seems so much more personal to me right now... anyone know recovery time for natural birth? and thanks for the encouragment. it helps more than you know. knowing i can make this a gift instead of a mistake (not the child, the choice...) is helping me a lot. i have two close friends who are pregnant, and im really jealous of them, but i guess a baby fits into their lives perfectly right now, though. a child is for me someday... just not this soon. many children, hopefully. :) but we are taking every precaution to make sure that this doesnt happen again until we are ready. i couldnt deal with this again, the first time is proving hard enough. the main thing i worried about is that im going to change my mind after i have adoptive parents picked out. and i dont want to do that to them... it wouldnt be fair. i guess i need to be unselfish, huh?... thanks again.. you words help a lot. and so does the advice....


hello - September 28

i would take your baby! i have been trying to get pg with #3 and having a hard time....we are thinking about adopting do you have anyone in mind?


VT - September 29

Rae, please keep your baby. If you give your baby away you may regret it for the rest of your life. You will always wonder where your son or daughter is. I know you are only 19 right now and it seems like a lot to handle but if you give your baby up, in a few years you will be beating yourself up about it. So keep your baby. As far as which way to give birth, I had a v____al delivery to deliver my six pound baby girl and that is where all of my problems started. I am wearing a colostomy today because of it. I was too small down there and there was severe damage done to me to get her out. The doctor admitted afterwards that I should have had a c-section. Too late now, though. So v____al delivery is not for every woman. Every woman IS NOT made to give birth naturally. If labour and delivery is such a natural process and if a woman's body is made to deliver a baby, then why am I wearing a colostomy? Why do women have episiotomies or experience third and fourth degree tears to deliver a baby which extend down to the a__s resulting in urinary incontinence issues, hemorrhoids and a___l fissures if all of us are designed to birth a baby? That is not natural birth. But this was just my experience with v____al/natural childbirth. Some women deliver v____ally and are fine and some deliver v____ally and are plagued with urinary incontinence issues, hemorrhoids and a___l fissures afterwards which are no fun. C-sections are not a walk in the park either but a lot of women fair off better with a c-section than a v____al delivery. Maybe I am biased towards a c-section because I am wearing a colostomy, but do not let anyone tell you that you will go in to have your baby v____ally one day and be all healed up in no time. True, you may be running around quicker if you have a v____al delivery over a c-section but you may also have chronic urinary incontinence issues, hemorrhoids and a___l fissure issues to deal as well if you have a v____al delivery and these issues are sometimes impossible to totally cure. Friends of mine also have had v____al deliveries and have been facing hemorrhoids and a___l fissures for years after childbirth.


Deb - September 29

Dear, sweet Rae, please talk to a birth/adoption counselor! It is so very clear you are ambivilant about giving your baby up. It would not be selfish to keep your baby, just selfLESS to give it to someone else. No one in their right mind would think less of you for giving him/her few material things but a wealth of love. Would your boyfriend and family support you either way in the end? Either way you have your baby you will need love, emotional and physical support to recover and I stress the emotional support. My advice is to speak with a loving, non-judgmental counselor who has YOURS and YOUR BABY'S best interest at heart. I think the delivery method in regards to bonding is a moot point...your bonding has already begun and your task at hand now is to take care of your self and to feel good about what you lovingly decide is best for this little one. Please stay in contact on this site, for there are now many of us who care for you, grieve for your nearly impossible dilemma and want to support you now, during and after! Please consider open adoption where you can stay in some contact with the baby and its new family if that is what you decide, you will be able to watch and monitor your little one's life and not be tortured by the what if's, the when's and the unknowns. God Bless you, you are such a brave young lady and I would be proud to have you as my daughter, friend, sister.


rae - September 29

oh wow.. i know im supposed to be emotional, but all these responses have really taken me back. thank you all.... i just called an adoption counselor yesterday. ill be getting in touch with them tomorrow. i do want to keep my baby, but i really dont see how i could. my boyfriend is supportive in everything. im one of the lucky ones who has someone who will go with any choice. he didnt pressure me to choose abortion when that was an option, and he isnt pressuring me to go with adoption now that it is one of our options. my family... i dont even know about that one. my parents would be ultra disappointed. they have always wanted me to go to college and get all these degrees... there is a lot of pressure there to be the perfect child. my mom has been worried since ive been with my boyfriend, weve been together two years, that i was going to settle down and not consider all my options. she feels that she did that when she became pregnant with me, and now my parents are about to get a divorce after 20 years of marriage... she feels she made a mistake. i dont think she would be very happy if she knew i was having a baby. i know shed be happy in some ways, but i also know that i wouldnt be living up to what they have always wanted me to. to VT,,, thanks for that information. i already knew some of it because of my mom. when she had me she had tears in the lining, i think. it ended up being so bad that she had multiple miscarriages between me and my brother. she said she lost count of how many she had. they told her to stop trying to have another child because of the emotional wear and tear. basically what it came down to was it was 20 years ago and the midwife made a mistake. my mom said something was very wrong, and she thought it was just labor pains, and told my mom it was normal. by the time the doctor got there the damage was already done. thats part of why ive been considering electing for a c-section. i thought it would heal faster, but i guess i was wrong about that. i have time to recover, but not that much time. i just feel bad that this is all happening, i guess. it was my irresponsibility that put me in this situation, and i understand that. what irks me is that i could have prevented all this heartache from happening. my boyfriend is amazing. i really cannot stress that enough. every time i get down on myself, he tells me... this is on BOTH of us, not just you. you couldnt have done this to yourself, it was our choice, not yours. thats why we've chosen to abstain until... the right time. after we are married, after we are stable, after we can provide an amazing life for an amazing child. of course im going to stick to birth control. i now know that i need to get on some sort of a routine with my periods, because it is really hard only having two months to get used to the idea. ive been thinking of an IUD, but i dont know much about it. ive heard good things though. anyhow.. about the adoption.. we havent even gotten to anyone about this, so no, we dont have anyone in mind... just a place. the boys and girls society, or something like that, is what that amazing lady at the clinic recommended. overall, i am getting used to the idea... its only been a day after all! its one of those things that there is no truly happy ending one way or the other... just one is going to end up being happier for my baby. if it goes to someone who can give it all the things i cannot... plus the love i can... i think that will be best. once again THANK YOU everyone... i will stick with this site and let you guys know every update i get... thanks x 328972893472


marcie - September 29

Hi rae,a lot of getting used to eh?I had a difficult natural delivery,people say afterwards its all forgotten,but as another post told you,thats not always the case,and not for me.In labour the drugs did'nt take,I had my partner one side,sister other and it felt as though they were pulling my legs apart,it was awful,and knowing you just had to go on.I can see why women naturally forget childbirth,natures way,but no way was I forgetting it,my next pregnancy was a c-section,so much better,knew when it was going to be born,the recovery is fine with medication,as for the scar well its in such a private place that people cannot see,and over time it fades away.For your situation,not that you can ever be detached but I'd always go c-section.My brother got a girl pregnant my parents did'nt want to know,he's now dead,the baby was adopted but the girl keeps in contact with her son,she's tried to get me interested you know wanting to send photo's etc,but I'm happy with my life,I don't need another reletive popping up.Also,its your decision,for your reasons,if this baby needs to be adopted then thats it.I know of women who feel guilty when they are raising children alone,they feel guilty because they are sad,for themselves not finding other relationships,or whatever.Children can put stress and strain on a relationship,which is why it is your decision,no-one else's.


rae - September 29

im sorry to hear about your brother. that must have been hard for you... today i had the scare of a lifetime.. at 5:45 i woke to severe pain in my stomach. when it didnt go away i went to the hospital. apparently i was having contractions all through the night, and also this morning.... we got that taken care of, and i now know my due date... december 18th. we also found out its a boy. we are very happy and excited, and praying everything goes well. it was quite the scare, and we arent sure what exactly caused the early contractions. i am actually at about 28 weeks and three days. our baby boy is healthy beyond belief. he is a show off too... but he gave the nurse all the perfect shots she needed to determine how old he is. hes a big boy, just under three pounds right now.. i keep worrying im going to get more contractions, and even right now im freaking myself out by thinking that simple movements might be contractions. but, everything is going to be okay... thanks again for everyones support.


Amy - September 29

Rae i want to say a few things to you, maybe encouragement...no one can decide for you, but i got pg with my first child when i was 19 and we had HIM...he is now 4 and i also have a 2 yr old....i was very scared b/c i was in college and feared what my family would think....but i went ahead and had the baby and could not imagine my life any other way....i still received my BSN RN and i am a nurse with a bachelors degree...having a baby does not stop your life, just derails it a bit, and if you are serious with what you want to do in life you will do it weather you have a baby or not...i think you will do fine if you kept it...i would just hate to see you regret it....i also had 2 c sections and that does not keep you from bonding with the baby....i just think you should keep your baby...god will help you and everything will work out i promise....if everyone waited to have a baby until they had the money for it, or when they were settled with their life no one would have kids....i would love to be a support system for you b/c i know where you are coming from...i also think you want this baby, you can tell in the way you talk about HIM....so just think long and hard about it....and if you would like to talk to me i can give u my e mail...ok I AM HERE FOR YOU


Deb - September 29

Rae, please take care of yourself! You are so stressed you are releasing too much cortisol (stress hormone) and it is possibly stimulating the contractions. Take a deep breath, slow down your worries and think about growing a fine, healthy BOY. I firmly believe the emotional health of the mother can affect the baby so send lots of positive feelings to the little guy and good vibes for growth and such. Your decision will come to you, one day (soon?) you will decide and a great feeling of calm and peace will wash over you I hope. Have a good and frank discussion with your care-provider about birthing options. Perhaps a gentle try of labor will let you know how equipped you are for labor and delivery and nature will make this decision for you. Keep in mind for every bad story of v____al birth there is a great one and for every poor cs experience there is a good one so listen to your Doc. It seems at this point the last thing you need is a bunch of scary stories, you are unique and no one else's birth will be like yours. Keep the faith and stay strong. As an aside, I just finished raising 4 c-sect kids (ok, almost...) and I am in Nursing school now for my RN so the path to reaching one's potential is as varied as our DNA. Some do the college thing then the baby and some do the baby(s) thing then the college. It all works out in the end!!! Hugs and kisses to you and precious BOY!


kasy - September 30

wow i am also in nursing school. i think you should consider keeping it!!!!!


rae - September 30

today was very scary. i was floored when she said i was having contractions. telling me i was in pre-term labor just scared the heck out of me. as for the stress issue, YES... i am very stressed. i just found out about my baby boy, and things are happening oh so fast. but the other day i walked through the maternity dept. at a store, and then the baby section, and i couldnt help the huge grin on my face. in fact, i was smiling so much i thought people were going to think i was some sort of creep. ive become a lot more comfortable with the thought of adoption. i know it will end up being best. open adoption is actually what im considering, because i want him to know he was so very wanted, and that he wasnt at all a mistake, as some adopted kids think. i want to be there to let him know i did it because i knew someone else could give him the material things i couldnt, and i could still give him all the love in the world. gosh, he was adorable. i couldnt believe the pictures of him. it was by far the most amazing thing in the world. last night i was having contractions, but i didnt know it was the contractions. i thought it was him moving. my boyfriend and i were laying there, and he finally allowed himself to feel my stomach while baby was moving. it was very emotional for both of us. we both agree we want this someday. it was SO amazing. thank you to you all. this has been very emotional this last week. from having an abortion appt., to finding out that im 7 months, (technically 28 weeks, 3 days =) ) to deciding on adoption, then immediately regretting that decision, and now to be at peace as much as i possibly can be, and then this morning with the contractions... its been an emotional roller coaster. this site has brought me so much peace. just knowing im going to get online at some point in the day, and i can pretty much count on someone new talking to me, its very rea__suring. i would love to keep in touch with all of you. i know ive been bombarding you all with my story, but id love to hear everyone elses. i think i may go into nursing because of this experience. i want to be that lady giving the first ultrasound to the nervous girl, the one to say, well, that is definitely a boy/girl... that would be the most rewarding job in the world. i wouldnt go back and undo this for anything.


Deb - September 30

Hi Rae, Deb here just checking in. How's the uterus behaving now? Baby still moving and stuff? I hope you are practicing relaxation techniques and focusing all your positive energy on a calm uterus!!! You must have been so scared, I think we all are now...LOL. One day at a time, Rae, and if that is too much, one minute at a time! Happy thoughts and prayers coming to you from here in Oregon!!! Will check up on you later.


Kay - September 30

Hey rae , i am 18 and i have a 2 week old beautiful girl . You know what i really didnt think i could go through with it and i am no way finacially stable , i moved to Australia from England and my boyfriend is on a working holiday visa so work is limited. But my baby gets everything she needs off what we have. I have a great supporting family and they have helped out alot. Im sure yours would aswell. Having a baby is the most hardest thing a women can go through , the little thing inside you is part of you , my parents wanted me to go to college and get a computer degree but when i first held my little girl i knew she needed me. Yes its hard work but its well worth it. you say now you want to keep her , when she looks into your eyes when shes born i think there will be no way you could give her up.I had my baby by emergency cersarean and i have bonded well , i have healed well aswell , i have been out of hospital for a week now and feel great although some twinges of pain but nothing some panadol can handle! Anyway its all your choice just thought id add my story . Good Luck for whatever you choose !! xx



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