Scared Of Giving Birth

36 Replies
mandy - July 8

I have been with the same man for over twenty yrs.Early on he wanted to have children,I was always putting him off,one excuse or another.Last year I went to see the doctor,did nothing to ease my worries.Saw her again,again nothing.Last may I saw a specialist in the hospital,she said if I wanted to have a cesarean after I asked about it,then ok.Still nothing,my husband has been supportive,very patient,I'd love to have kids with him,but am terrified of being out of control.Please advise whether I if a choice what I should do,bearing in mind that the thought of childbirth has been enough to prevent me from attempting pregnancy with the man I love.


Jill - July 8

It may take a lot of looking, but there are doctors who will perform cesareans on demand. But you should really reconsider childbirth. You aren't out of control during childbirth, your body is in complete control. There's lots of medicine to take that can make you not feel any of the pain. Birth isn't really as bad as people make it sound.


KH - July 8

you could try going through labor and if it's not progressing or you can't take it, try to make a deal with your dr. that you can have a c section if you decide at the time. some people have very easy labors. You just have to know that you will know what to do at the time... I had a v____al birth with my first and have to have a c section in a week and a half. Believe me, I took me MONTHS to be OK with having a section. You just have to spend time thinking about it and eventually it becomes comfortable.


nix - July 8

I can imagine how this must be hard for you. I was so petrified of childbirth when i found out i was pregnant. I cried for weeks over how scared i was to go through with it, and knowing i had no choice, i was already pregnant, made matters worse. The last thing i wanted was to resent my unborn child for the pain I knew it would eventually put me through. I took prenatal cla__ses, bought every book i could get my hands on, watched maternity ward every day, i didn't care if i'd already seen it. I learned everything i could about not only childbirth, but pregnancy too. I made sure there weren't going to be any surprises, and even if it was a million to one chance of having a specific scenario, i made sure i knew about it, and figured out how to be prepared. Unfortunately, i was too busy doing that and didn't prepare myself for a c-sec, but that's what i got. Go figure. Anyway, what i'm trying to say is that even though it seems really scary, the more i learned about it, the more prepared i was, the bigger the baby got, and the more of a bond i had with him, not only was i not scared anymore, i was so excited to meet this person who attacked my bladder on a daily basis, and i didn't even care how he got here. I can absolutely garentee one thing to you, IT'S SO WORTH IT! Worth the morning sickness, bruised ribs, any ache pain, discomfort, everything seems like nothing now. Now that i'm having another child, i am a little nervous again, but i know what to expect now, no matter what happens (we haven't decided on VBAC or C-sec yet). I realized i have forgotten so much from last time around, and it's almost comforting. I'm sure you can do this! I don't want to be rude, scare you, or anything negative, but you don't exactly have forever, so if you do want a child (and i mean YOU, not just for your husband) then i say go for it, you will never never regret it.


mandy - July 11

I just want to say,thank you to those who responded.Jill,thanks for saying my body is in control.I understand that the body is doing what is natural,my big problem,when I say "out of control"is not being able to cope with the contractions,arriving at the hospital too late to have an epi,or it taking too long.KH,thanks for explaining your birth experiences,how bad is the pain after a cesarean?Finally Nix,thank you for being understanding,like you I have read and read,for many years,unlike you I have not got pregnant.when my brother died 4yrs ago aged just 35,I realised that you cannot take life for granted,for a fit active man to die from cancer it can happen to anyone.I thought what would happen if my husband died,I'd feel guilty that we never had a child.As time moves on if we don't have children I know it is a decision I'd regret.This weekend we went to his brothers sons christening,there he was with all the kids,and his brothers/sisters with their children,yet when it comes to us,I just cannot bring myself to release my fears and make a baby!I know that either way having a baby is a painful experience,just needed feedback on which way people prefered.The reason I am thinking of a scheduled cesarean is even though it takes longer to recover,maybe,and this is where I'm nieve but you can take things easier,your body is not taking over like in a natural birth,and naturally labour gets increasing painful as you go along,and knowing my luck,end up with a c-section anyway!


julie - July 12

mandy, i think that it is great that you are really looking into this before jumping in or dismissing being a mom. the first piece of advice i would give you-- try to enlarge your perspective a bit. the act of childbirth is a day or two, at worst maybe three. that is the smallest fraction of what your parenting experience will be. if it is pain you are concerned about-- get an epidural. i would be the poster child for them if i could. the actual process of getting it started hurt less than getting my IV drip started-- honestly. And the epi makes all the difference in the world. i go to the best ob/gyn practice. i absolutely love all the docs/nurses/office staff and this is my next piece of advice. find a doctor you adore. i was concerned about not getting the epi early enough, but my doctor rea__sured me in the delivery room that there really wasn't a "too late" until the baby was crowning (by then it's pointless). as far as coping with contractions and knowing when to push and so forth, the nurses are brilliant here and will guide you expertly (this is what they do for a living after all!). i ended up having a C-section after 11 hours of labor. i was glad that i had it for the fact of getting to stay in the hospital longer. i got to spend more time with the lactation consultants, the nurses gave me great help, etc. also my ob and my baby's pediatrician saw us every morning. it was great to have the doctors' rea__surance that we were both on track. i even had my staples removed the morning i was discharged. as far as cesarean recovery goes, it helps so very much to have a support team. your husband sounds like the perfect start. i had friends dropping off dinner for the first week. my husband took his vacation time to be home with me. then both my mother and mother-in-law came to help me the next two weeks. initially it's so great to have someone bring you the baby to feed when your incision/ab muscles are still tender. later it's just nice to have help with the laundry, dishes, etc. even if you have some friends/neighbors who can sit with the baby so you can take a shower. a shower makes all the difference! i have some more personal info i'd be willing to share with you. if you're interested, contact me at [email protected] lastly mandy, like most of life, i think giving birth is 90% your mental state and att_tude-- if you go into all this thinking it will be brutal, it will be. i can honestly tell you that i was not nervous or scared going into the hospital, and even though things went differently than i anticipated, my experience exceeded my expectations. the question isn't even "what's the worst that could happen?" Ask yourself "what is the best that could happen?!?" ;)


nix - July 12

mandy, what about a doula?? They are GREAT. They know everything there is to know about birthing, but they are so much more. They are your coach, your confidant, and your voice when you are not able to speak. She will spend alot of time with you and hubby before the big day and work out a birth plan with you, and get to know you and your hubby on a personal basis, which makes it really comforting because you have someone you know and trust with you to deliver your baby. She will address all your concerns and fears before-hand and give you a professional opinion, even if you do opt for a c-sec. They aren't too expensive, and depending on where you live, income and insurance, you may even be able to have one provided for you (where i live we have a 'health for 2' program that will provide one for you). It may be worth looking into.


mandy - July 13

ust like to thank Nix again,you say a doula,one thing my doctor said to me when I visited last year,was maybe the same midwife.To Julie I would like to say,thank you for your long and caring reply.You know,just getting people to write back really helps.I have been worrying about having a baby for many yrs,promising my husband we'll try a cetain time,but always shying away.Other links women have said they cannot understand women wanting to put themselves through major surgery by choice.As I said,having surgery for me does'nt sound "great"but the better of two fears.Julie you say I could have an epidural,I understand that,and people tell me they fall in love with the guy who administers it!!I've also heard from women who have got to the hospital too late to have one,or by the time the guy came to administer it,were told its too late,or the epi does'nt take.I appreciate women who have had v____al,and cesarean s not being able to understand why women like me are afraid of pain,yet it seems you get more longer lasting pain with a cesarean.I will try and explain my phobia.I know a lot of family,friends who have now had children.Naturally they all say when you have the baby its all worthwhile,which I don't doubt.But,I remember their stories which they seem to forget.I am terrified of the unknown,your getting bigger,knowing that one day,the contactions will start,your in pain,go to the hospital and they send you home again,not being far enough delated,or you have to wait about until the pain relief arrives.The thought,yes,its natural,but I just cannot seem to get my head around the fact of this baby,inching its way down the birth ca___l.With a cesarean,its the pain after the birth,not during,and I'm getting the message its for longer.Julie you are right,my husband would be a power of strength,people say he 's so good to me now...You are right to have a positive att_tude.The pain after a cesarean,although it lasts longer,are you not more in control?I mean,with a natural birth your uterus is the strongest muscle when its childbirth,contractions forcing the baby out,to me the woman just has to go along with it,she has no choice.With a cesarean,you have more time,example,difficulty standing up,so you take your time.See what I mean? I just wish I'd been born a man!!!!! Thank you to those who have really tried to help me,I appreciate and thank your comments.


Katharine - July 13

Mandy, Have you been to see a therapist? I think that might help you get to some of the underlying issues (sorry to be dippy-sounding...) about this. Also, throughout your possible pregnancy, it might be good to have someone who can listen to your fears and help you overcome them. I think having a doula would also be a good idea.


mandy - July 14

Katherine.No I have'nt seen a therapist.I saw the doctor at my local surgery twice last year,the last time being in july 04.I visited a person in the hospital on 14th may05,to say about my worries,and she said that if I wanted the option of a cesarean then they would.I told my husband this when I came out,so he said lets go for it,but we are now in july,and we have'nt.Don't get my wrong its not that I don't want kids,and as someone said I don't have forever,if I did'nt have kids then I'd regret it.Just that I don't want to get pregnant and be petrified,be apprehensive like all mums to be,but not scared stupid.I am now,and not even pregnant.I have been reading the reports on c-sections and how they've got infected etc etc.If I knew that I could get pain relief early,like the epi and then it left me pain free,great,I would just be concerned about what its like when labour 1st starts,I think I'm right in saying you cannot have an epidural until you are at least 3 or 4 centimetres dilated,whats the pain like before then?I could'nr bear the thought of the head crowning,and people call it the "rim of fire"where it hurts so bad,I feel ill just thinking of it now.I don't know what to do,bet I'll still be here in the same boat next year!! Tell me,is a doula different to having the same midwife throughout?How do you get a doula,ask when you are pregnant?Like I say there is a huge part of me,that fear the unknown,knowing that once I'm pregnant there is no going back.I'd like to know how people feel in the early stages of labour,is contractions tolerable?I take it learning here,even if you had to have a cut to help the baby out,the pain is still nothing in comparision to a cesarean?But what about pain meds,with a cesarean,do they not eliminate pain?


DP - July 14

Mandy. It sounds like to me that you have all of the information you really need about having a baby. I've seen some of your entries on other forums on this sight as well. No matter who tries to console you or encourage you about the birthing process you still have a very deep underlying fear, I really beleive the only way that you are going to get past your tokiphobia or fear of child birth is to talk with a counselor or therapist. Just reading or talking about other's experinces and opinions is really not helping you to decide either way. It seems that your husband being as understanding and supportive as he is would be just as supportive if you entered into therapy. Without some real professional help I fear that you will continue to ride this "merry go round" until it may be too late to have children. Another option to look at also is Adoption, there are sooo many needy children in this Country and others that need parents and you would not have to go through the birthing process at all. Any way I wish you much luck whatever you choose to do, but I seriously hope you talk to a professional that can help.


mandy - July 15

DP.Thanks for the reply.Maybe I do need to speak to someone else,the thing is,you've said it,I seem to have the information.Its a case of either taking the plunge,or staying as I am,thats the hard realism.As for adoption.Funny enough I menmtioned this to him,my husband said thats something he cannot do.He cannot bring up anothers baby,he'd rather go without children.


DP - July 15

Mandy, funny thing is I really know how your husband feels, my Husband has talked about adoption, but I just don't seem to have the heart for it. I am very blessed however to have 4 awesome boys and am now expecting our first girl. I guess one thing you could consider is "just doing it" once you are pregnant there is no turning back and you are obviously not the type to get an abortion. However, if you do decide to just jump in and do it, I would still recommend talking with a professional anyway, It seems that it is not just the fear of pain in childbirth but of many other factors as well, you stated you were afraid something might go wrong with getting there on time, or that there would be other complications etc. the fact is that you really need to get at the root of your fears to get control of it, it has been control of you for too long and it doesn't seem to me that you want to live that way any longer. Either way talking with someone would be very helpful for you, I would hate to see you in a real panic when you are pregnant. that could cause complications on it's own. Any way I wish you the best and I will be praying that the Lord will lead you in the right direction for you and your future.


marcie - July 20

dear mandy.I really sympathise with you,and don't know what to say.From my own experience I am 34 wks pregnant with my 1st baby.I thought that going to cla__ses with other mums to be would make me understand the pain relief on offer,and I'd be ok.I am very worried about the labour,everyone says "when the babys here,you'll forget the pain",I may try and opt for an elective cesarean,just face the pain afterwards


natalie - July 25

hi mandy,I just read your other question,labourv cesarean.i am only 18,and was not with the guy for long,have found out i am pregnant and am so scared to.the other question is intesrting because if i had the choice i am not sure what to do,anyway mandy i hope you are ok


mandy - August 1

Hi Marcie,have you decided what to do yet?Natalie,thanks for your sweet comments.DP thank you once again for your advice.Yes,I am scared of things,with natural birth,I'm scared of the unknown,labour starting its worse that you imagine,the tens machine don't work,you get to hospital,the nurse sends you home saying you are too early in labour,or the opposite that its too late for pain relief,just get by on gas and air.The thought of being out of control,your uterus cramping and the rest just goes along with it,the head crowing,it just terrifies me.


julie - August 2

hello again mandy! just came back to check up on you. sounds like form your comments, you haven't made too much headway. without some form of counseling, be it a psychologist or a pastor or some other type of therapy, at this point i believe that it's unlikely that you are going to make much progress. i freely admit that i am no expert, but woman-to-woman, mandy, there is more to your fear than meets the eye. go see someone who can help you get to the bottom of this and free yourself of it! ((regardless of whether you start a family or not!!))



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