Am I Being Selfish

19 Replies
Leahp - May 3

Hey ladies, just need a little advice, I'm sure you've maybe seen my other threads about my MIL, but she hasn't called for weeks and now all the sudden she wrote me an e-mail and saying that she wants to come at the end of the month. Well, here's where I'm having an issue and I had a gut feeling this was going to happen, but I already called off work at the end of the month that same weekend and had planned to take me and the baby up to my family's farm for some much neede R and R. I've been really missing my baby and hating work. She's seven months now and amazing!!! So now I don't know what to tell my MIL, am I being selfish if I want to keep that weekend that I planned for myself, or should I just tell her to come out to visit. She always does this, though, she never gives me much advance notice.


Alycia - May 3

*sigh* I have been keeping up with your other posts, and I feel so bad for you. Unfortunately, I think it would probably be the lesser of two evils to just let her come. There are already enough tensions on her part thanks to her reaction to the winery thing, and saying no to this would likely be misinterpreted. I HATE to tell you this, believe me. I'm so sorry!


livdea - May 3

I have to disagree with the above post. Though I've read your other posts too and I know what a time you've been having with your MIL. But if you have plans, you have plans. Its not selfish, it's something you've already set up. Explain to her that Unfortunately you already have plans for that weekend and you would LOVE for her to come out, soon. Ask when another time would be good for her and maybe you guys can set a time up together that works for you both. That's what I would do. I'd put myself and child first and if you feel like you need some R&R then take it...that's not being selfish, that's being smart. Good luck with what ever you decide!


Erynn21 - May 3

I've read your other posts, and honestly, in my opinion the selfish one here is your MIL. Whatever plans she has you're supposed to deal with, but it seems as if it always what she wants. If you're already going to visit your family that's what you're doing. I think you should do what feels right to you, and remember you cannot please everyone. I haven't even had my baby and had a mental breakdown, just because I thought of future obligations, then I realized my own family(my hubby, my baby and myself ) are really the only ones that I need to worry about. Now that may sound selfish, but my husband and I agree that we just can't do everything, because we would never have a life as our own family.(His family is huge and there's ALWAYS something going on). I don't know if this helps, but sometimes you have to stand up for what's in the best intrest of yourself and you baby. Good luck.


Alycia - May 3

Leahp - Just to be clear, I don't think you're being selfish either. I'm just trying to think of ways to keep this from b__wing up. I wouldn't blame you if you decided to tell your MIL you had other plans... I just think it will cause more problems in the future. She's very much like my MIL, so believe me, I can relate.


Leahp - May 3

Thanks so much ladies!! I thought I was going to get some straight up rude comments on here, but you gals really understand, so after reading your posts, I went ahead and e-mailed her and told her that the month of May is booked, which is where I feel bad becuase Grandma should come first, but heck if she wanted to come that weekend before it could work!!! So I went on to tell her that I thought about bringing the baby to her since I would love to get out of town, which now I'm regretting I said becuase I'm sure my hubby would like to be there to show her off to the rest of his family. But also, just said I'm sure we can work out or mesh our plans, but what's also bad is that the time that works for me to fly out, she's going to New York, so then it really looks like I'm pushing her off, ugggghhh! I really start to stress because she always e-mails me when it comes to making plans and sometimes I wish she would just talk to my hubby about it, because I really am the one with the bad news all the time!


Allie - May 3

I feel so bad for you Leah - I am worried about the same type of problems. My husband wants to go out of town over the 4th of July, and I think his sister wants to visit that weekend. I sent her an e-mail yesterday warning her that he wants to be out of town, then I tell him and he can't figure out why I'm worrying about it, since our plans wont be final until middle of june - I tried to explain that if she already had plane tickets we can't go out of town when she is coming specifally to meet our new addition, and if that is the only weekend he can get extra time off work, HIS vacation wont happen then (it's to see his best friend). I really wish that he would think ahead and deal with this kind of thing himself, but unfortunately it seems to fall to us wives to deal with the planning of visits, etc with the in-laws. I always feel like I end up looking like the bad guy when I have to explain that we have another commitment or something going on...


Alycia - May 3

I don't know if this will work for you guys, Leahp, but my husband and I have a rule that everyone in our families knows about: Neither one of us will give a yes or no about any plans without talking to the other first. Maybe the next time your MIL emails you about plans, you can tell her you'll check with your husband. Then let HIM call/email her back with a yes or no answer. Maybe it will gradually shift her to making plans through him (with your okay) since that's what you want. Let us know how it all works out.


Been There - May 3

I say that she will learn how to stop making plans for your time at her convenience alone. She asked about coming, you answered you were busy, I don't see where you're being selfish. Your husband and child(ren) are the only people you have to live your life around. Try just telling her that you need more advanced notice since visits take planning. Maybe she just needs it brought to her attention.


Leahp - May 4

YEAH!!! Allie!! It gets to be so d__n tough. I hate how the planning falls on us! So now get this! I told her we were busy the month of May, and she writes back and says I was talking about Memorial Weekend! and goes on to say that she has a four day weekend and that she's going to NY in June and Lake Dillion Colorado in July!!! So that's why memorial day weekend worked for her. So I had to write her back AGAIN and tell her we made plans for that weekend and to give me a further heads up so i don't make plans, becuase I'm a planner and it's summer and I'm having fun gosh dammit!!!! Does she not even think that maybe she should of saved some of that vacation time for her grandbaby!!! SCREW NY!!! I can't win, so I went ahead and told her the other weekends that wouldn't work for us and to not plan on visiting on those. I bet I'll still end up coming out to visit, but I guess it would be fun because she lives in Colorado and I can visit some old college buddies and make a vacation out of it, I just find it funny how she gives me three week notice that she wants to come out and we're all suppose to drop our plans to accomodate what works for her! But my hubby did say, you don't need to tell her why she can't come out, since it's vacation time I took for me and baby to relax out at the farm!!! Gosh, I do feel horrible, but I'm almost p__sed because I jsut knew this was going to happen and it puts a burden on my time to myself, I never, never, never put myself first anymore, besides to take a shower and when I do, look what happens, I need a margarita at Cinco de Mayo this weekend ladies!!!!!


Leahp - May 4

Sorry Alycia, I meant to write you back as well, but I got off on tangent there!!! But I'll let you know what she writes back, because I have this awful feeling that she won't be too happy. Plus, now I need to tell my husband what to tell her in case she calls and asks what we have planned, uggghhh! It's funny though how I'm stressing and when I talk to my hubby about, all he can say is that he hates the politics of family and doesn't give a rats a__s what I tell her, MEN! But thanks for the advice Alycia, we do go by that system, but I've almost gotten to the point where I just tell her what needs to be said, becuase like I said my hubby doesn't care one bit!!!


Alycia - May 4

My husband was the same way for a long time! I'm actually SO much less stressed during this pregnancy because I don't have to deal with my MIL right now. My husband finally witnessed the way she treats me a year ago, and he insisted she apologize before he would a__sociate with her again (HIS idea, not mine... I was impressed!). She refused, and has done nothing but send him emails complaining about me for the past year, so for the moment we don't have to deal with her. It does make my life easier - like Erynn21, I would be having breakdowns thinking about future stresses and obligations otherwise. The flip side is that I do feel bad that she hasn't been at all involved in an important time. I guess it's her fault, though. She just isn't a nice person!


Erynn21 - May 4

My in-laws are pretty sweet ppl., but like I said before they always have something going on, and I always pretty much have to say no. Which at times makes me feel a little guilty, but my hubby and I are truly busy. We preparing for our daughter by remodeling a room in our house that needs serious help, my husband works full time, plus is part owner of another business and we have so much on our plate right now it's just crazy. PPL have to understand., now my problem is my Grandmother, she is the awful one in my situation, she thinks the world revolves around her. She whines like a little kid if she doesn't get her way, which honestly I don't care about. She hates everything I do, so whatever. It may sound bad, but she just moans and groans and always has. She doesn't know what the word No means. Sorry I needed to vent myself BEFORE i have another breakdown. Now, you have tried to make ammends by going to visit her, but she won't be there, she expects you to drop your plans, but isn't flexible with hers. Why should it be any different for you? Flexibility comes from both sides, I don't know why ppl can't see that, but I guess a lot only see what they want, good luck.


Leahp - May 4

Hey Erynn21!! I know what you mean about breakdowns, you should of seen me freaking out about my MIL when I was preggo!!! I knew this was always going to be a challenge once she was born since she lives 900 hundred miles away, but I didn't know that she was just going to drop the VISIT Bomb on us three weeks before hand, I'm a real stickler with making plans well in advance!!! So now I've thrown a few dates at her that could work, but we'll see what she says.


CyndiG - May 4

LeahP, let me give you just a teensy bit of advice....I've been married 13 years with one of the craziest mil's in the world!!! I used to stress and fret just like you're doing, and IT"S NO FUN! You can't make her happy. No matter what you do. So my advice is chill out, who cares, let her deal with it. Be matter of fact, but not ugly, and tell her (just like you did, good for you!). But you need to brush it off when she does things like that and not continue to dwell on it. And definately don't feel guilty! Otherwise you spend all your time worrying about how mad you've made her, and what's she going to think...yada yada yada....get to the point where you care about you, hubby, and baby and life will be so much more sweeter! Good luck!


Leahp - May 5

Hey thanks CyndiG, I bet after 13 years of dealing with this, I will be at that point where I just don't care, but I guess since we've only been married for two years, but I've known her for seven that I'm just trying to keep the peace, but it just irrates me how she writes me and tells me that her heart aches so badly for her grandbaby and she misses her dearly but the woman is flying all over the country and PLANNED it ahead of time!!!


CyndiG - May 5

I understand completely! It makes you want to say, if you're aching so bad sister, hop a plane and scoot on over! We used to feel so responsible for making sure that our daughter (who's now 7 waiting on her baby sister!) knew her Nana, and that they were close, and all that grandmotherly stuff that's supposed to come natural.....but we came to the realization that we can't make it happen. It has to be my MIL who makes all that happen. We also decided that it's my MIL who's missing out on a WONDERFUL SWEET PRECIOUS little girl, not the other way around. With this pregnancy she didn't even acknowledge it at all until I was 20 weeks, then all of a sudden over night I was magically **poof** having a baby! But guess what....I don't care what she thinks any more. I and I find that when I stopped caring, she's never mad! It's my reactions that made her react......hmmmmm...



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