Do You Think Its Rude

82 Replies
I need support!! - May 8

For someone to say they had a miscarriage after someone has a baby at 32 weeks. I hope you don't think I'm mean. Here is what happened. I had my baby at 32 weeks. She came earlier b/c of health reasons. The day when I was let out of the hospital. I was told that a family member had a m/c at 3 months. I felt bad, but only wanted to think about my health problems and my baby. This family member said she was having a furneral for the baby and wanted me to be there. I didn't think most people would have a funeral for a m/c. I was on bedrest and almost died. My baby is trying to get better in the hostipal. She want me to come to a m/c funeral. It was like she wanted all the attention and didn't care about me or my little girls health. I felt like screaming. You Had a M/c at 3 months. I can understand if she had one later on. Come one, do you think I'm mean for not caring? I'm just so tired. I'm sick and tried of worrying about other people.

 

a - May 8

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1234 - May 8

This is hard because it really depends on what kind of family member you are talking about and how close you are to then for the most part No they are not being rude but you need to take care of you and your baby but, remember you have what she really wanted and that has to be hard on her. Maybe asking you to be there for her is her way of asking for help not attention. Losing a child at any time is hard. What would you have done?? My advice is to be there as much as you can and if you are tired or if your baby needs you then that is your baby and NOTHING else matters. I pray for your baby and you on a recovery. I also pray for your family member to have peace and know that her baby is with God. Good Luck

 

Jenn... - May 8

You can do a lot of bonding with your baby within 3 months of pregnancy. This is a very big loss for your family member and it sounds like she is just looking for others to support her while she is grieving - I do not think it was rude of her to ask you to be there. Just explain to her that you are sorry for her loss and that you have a lot you are going through on your own right now. It is not for me to judge if you are mean for not caring... just be gentle with her. I wish you and your little girl the best!

 

Support! - May 8

This family member is my husband's brother's wife. We never been close or hardly ever spoke on the phone. She had a daughter just 4 months before. My inlaws had nerve to call and say she was having a boy. His first son. Like having a girl is terrible. I had a m/c before and kept it to myself. I feel like a m/c at 3 months is sad, but a funeral is overboard. Thanks

 

To Jenn - May 8

I never said I didn't care. I just think there is a time and place for everything. I feel very bad for her loss. I have spent her flowers and a card. What more could I do. She never spent me a think or even asked how I was doing! Thats Rude!!

 

Jenn... - May 8

I am sorry. I did not mean to a__sume anything. You asked if you were mean for not caring, so I simply answered your question. Here is what you wrote - Come one, do you think I'm mean for not caring? I'm just so tired. I'm sick and tried of worrying about other people. ......that is a direct copy and paste from your post.

 

Misty - May 8

Losing a baby when you are three months pregnant is a big deal to a lot of people. I lost one at only 7 weeks and was very upset about it. No, I did not have a funeral for it. But we all do things differently to find closer, this is her way. She might be the kind of rude person that is doing this just for attention. I really don't know, you are the one that would most likely know if this is an attention ploy. It could just be though that this is her way of finding closer and letting go of what was a live person, although a very young one. No, I don't think that you are mean for not caring, I do think though that you are going through a very hard time right now yourself and you just don't have the added energy to be that sympathetic. I can understand that. Most likely though it is just that your sister in law is in a somewhat similar situation as you, she is also going through something that is very hard for her right now and she probably finds it hard to be sympathetic for others. Sending flowers and a card was nice, it showed that you cared, she just is going through grieving right now, try to understand. Just let her know that you are going through a lot right now and you can't make it to her childs funeral. Silly as it seems that was a child of hers. Even though mine was only 7 weeks I already had names picked out and I will always think of that baby as my little angel, the miracle I missed out on. I thinks it is just that you feel like this was bad timimg. I truly am sorry if this is off but it is probably (or at least it would be for me) somewhat to do with the fact that you are also going through a hard time right now but she is getting attention and you think it should be you. That is understandable, so don't get defensive at that if it is right please. I had a son a while ago and would cry at night because of how alone I felt. I really don't know what to tell you to do right now hon. But do try (unless this girl is a mean person) to see that she is just trying to deal with something she finds very difficult right now, she isn't trying to steal attention.

 

to support - May 8

I understand what you are saying but I also understand what that family member is going through. Try to place yourself in her shoes, wouldn't you be devastated. That can be very tramatic at any stage of pregnancy. I think that you should go and thank god that everything is okay with you and your baby.

 

April - May 8

I don't think you are mean for not caring, because you obviously have a lot to worry about right now. Having a baby early can be very stressful, especially when you're worried about your baby's health. I do have to say though, how would you have felt if you would've lost your baby at 3 months? or even 32 weeks? me... I would've been devistated. The death of your child is the death of your child... no matter what stage it happens at. A funeral might be a little overboard for a miscarriage, but if that's how the family member wants to deal then that should be respected. My point here is that even though you are dealing with a lot right now, they are dealing with the loss of their child, and to some people that might be worse. So even though you're angry that she seems to be wanting attention, try to look past that and see her pain too.

 

Lissi - May 8

I don't think it's attention seeking to have a funeral for a m/c at 3 mths. It's hard to get over a m/c whatever time it happens. Everyone has their own way of grieving. Some of us prefer to grieve privately, but for others it's best to talk about it openly and mark the occasion to help them come to terms with it. A funeral is a good way of getting your grief out in the open and then moving on. If you feel you can't support her, just don't go.

 

Karen - May 8

you need help - what's the big deal - go to the funeral. It's not for you to determine what her level of pain should be.!!!!!!!!!

 

Support! - May 8

Thanks everyone for their comments. To Karen, I don't need help, just some advice. I don't need a person with negative comments. Well, you have your own opinion and I have mines. I agree that a m/c is very hard and sad. Like I said I sent flowers and a card. More than she sent me. I got not one "How you doing" or "How's the baby"? from her. I happen to call her while I was barely alive myself. I am just asking for some time for me and my baby. Try to walk in my shoes please. Thanks lissi, 1234, Jenn,misty and April for your comments. It truely help me to see both sides.

 

April - May 8

That's also true... she needs to see your side too... and that premature labor is also painful. It was very nice of you to send her flowers and a card. Just take care of yourself and your baby. Best of luck to you both. :)

 

Have some compa__sion! - May 8

Try to think of how hard it is for her to ask you about your baby when hers just died - I lost my baby at 3 months and a month later my sis-in-law delivered a healthy boy - I am so happy for her, but it was very difficult for me to have her so wondefully pergnant while I had just lost my baby - at 3 months that baby had alerady become such a large part of my life; you should try and be the bigger person - you have your baby; hers is gone

 

minx - May 9

If you aren't well, and it's out of your way to be up and about and are concerned about yourself and your baby's own welfare -- then do the next best thing. Send flowers and kind thoughts in a card. When you are better and more stable emotionally of thinking about other people's concerns then have some time to talk to her and show her ways you understood her loss. YOUR health and well-being come first. But let her know in a big way you are thinking of her and feel her loss with her without being physically at the 'funeral'.

 

Maleficent - May 9

i would not go. you're still recovering and your baby is not even out of the woods yet health wise, the last thing you need to have on your mind is her misfortune. sounds mean, but there it is. loosing a baby is hard, and she has a right to grieve however she sees fit, but you are in a delecate state too, don't let her tragety over shadow your own pain. the ladies attacking need to back off. we can all sympathize with loosing a baby, but can you imagine for a second how hard it is to sit and watch your premie struggle for life in the nicu? can you imagine going home and leaving your baby in the hospital? support, you have a right to put yourself first and i don't think you are being the least bit selfish.

 

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