He Feels Like I Tricked Him

22 Replies
Michelle - April 2

ok - here's the situation. Over a 5 year span I had 2 miscarriages and was diagnosed with ovarian cysts. Because of these conditions I HONESTLY believed (and in a way still believe) that I am not able to have a child. However, I just found out that I am pregnant. The man that I am pregnant by feels that I tricked him into getting me pregnant. If he had known that I could still get pregnant or that I had not been medically diagnosed as infertile than he wouldn't have been having s_x with me. He wants me to have an abortion. He says that he will never have any type of relationship with me if I decide to keep the child but he will support him. And he also says that he will definitely resent me and the child. So what am I supposed to do. I know it was stupid of me to have "self-diagnosed" myself (the doctor wouldn't do any tests until after a 3rd miscarry), but given my medical history and my family's medical history (all of the women in my immediate family have had full hysterectomies by the age 0f 35) I really thought that I couldn't carry a child. And now that I am pregant (even though only 6 weeks) my child is going to suffer because his father feels like I wasn't clear. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!


BabyTiger - April 2

Are you ready / want to have this baby? Do you want to keep this boyfriend despite his att_tude towards your pregnancy? Answer these questions and find the answer. Be strong-- you'll do the right thing.


toes - April 2

Michelle, the bottom line is which is more important to you--the chance that you'll continue a relationship with the father of this child, KNOWING he'd be willing to have you get an abortion tho this is perhaps your only opportunity to have a baby; or, having and raising this baby, hopefully with a guy who's a touch more sensitive. Boils down to how much you wanna be a mother, I guess.


kat - April 2

i agree with the last 2 replys,and remember you could have an abortion to stay with your man but he could still end your relationship anyway,also you could resent him if you make the wrong choice by getting an abortion.good luck.


coco - April 2

I agree. No man,i repeat, NO MAN , u should force u to do something against ur will ! It has to be ur decision. I know that is his "seed", but if he was willing to get intimate with u , he should also know the "risks" that could occur ( i.e, pregnancy). If u think u can live happily after with ur b/f knowing he forced u to do something u truly didn't want to do.. then it's up to u . I personnally wouldn't abort because some1 forced me to ! Heck no !


SugarPie - April 2

I don't really see why he's "blaming" you. Like you knew that you'd get preggers and be able to carry full term?! You hadn't up until that point and so why would you think you would now? You let him know what the situation was.. if he was astute enough and so concerned with your reproductive health and his wallet, he could have taken himself to a computer and found out every avenue that was possible in relation to your condition. Quite frankly, your man sounds incredibly narcissistic and doesn't sound like he's ready for fatherhood whatsoever and that's fine. I ascribe to the belief that when people show you who they are, believe them the first time. If he wants to give money every month and have nothing to do with you, then I say, Amen. Why have a man in your life who can't be supportive enough to see the position you're in and put your needs before his own or at least weigh them in the same manner and see that you're as equally caught off gaurd as he is? It comes down to two things, you can get an abortion and run the risk that this man will leave (which I think a lot of us feel he'll do anyway whether you had his child or not) or you can tell him to kiss your boonchie and have this baby without his emotional support but with his financial support. Bottom line if he was so concerned about getting you knocked up, he could have purchased a condom or gotten a vasectomy. This is just as much his responsibility as yours, if not more.. you didn't rape him. You didn't even think about having children.. so I can't see where there's any malice on your part in his opinion whatsoever. There's a lot of factors missing here that you haven't indulged in giving us. I don't know how long you've been with him, the ages of you two, the strength of your relationship.. so take all of our advice with a grain of salt. No matter what, you need to be concerned with you and your baby, his needs are secondary if he's going to continue to treat you as a criminal. Love should always be unconditional when we're partnered.. even in situations that we thought we'd never find ourselves in and didn't have full control or knowledge over... Much love to you and the baby and make sure that they monitor your condition, okay?


PP - April 2

You still don't know if you will be able to carry full term. You still don't know that this preganncy won't end tragically. I hope that for you sake it does not because I have been there. I say if you want the baby then keep it and you will have a great child that will end up just fine. If you are not ready then I would ask you to figure out what you want and make it happen. In life we can only depend on 1 person for happiness- ourself.


J - April 2

Michelle, I was in a similar situation as you when I was in my early 20s. I had just started living with a guy and we were having unprotected s_x (stupid - WHAT was I thinking?). Anyways, I got pregnant and my boyfriend told me that he wasn't ready to be a father, etc., etc. I felt so guilty for getting "us" into this predicament. I felt that if I didn't have an abortion, I wouldn't have him. So I had an abortion. My boyfriend and I split up after 3 years. It had nothing to do with the abortion - I didn't resent him or harbor any bad feelings about my choice. I will say though, that I vowed never to make that choice again. However, my boyfriend's att_tude about the pregnancy told me a lot about him and his feelings for me. And I was right. This is a personal choice for you. You need to make this choice for you, not on the premise that if you do not keep the baby then he will be there forever, because he may not. Also, what if this is your only chance to have a child. You have to think of everything. Just so I don't get hate mail fired back at me, I am not a supporter of abortion, I am pro-choice. I have had my own experiences and I have one healthy child and I'm currently on my next pregnancy. God willing it will become a healthy child also. Children are a gift. I wish you the best. You must be strong to make your decision - whatever you choose, you will need to be stronger following it.


sharon - April 2

this may be your only chance to have a baby of your own,i wouldnt throw that chance away. you are the one who would have to go through with the abortion not him! and live with the guilt your whole life.


dito - April 2

Alot of men offer the same immature response intially regardless of the circ_mstances surrounding the reason for conception. I've known married men to act this way intially. However it is your body and in the end your choice as you will have to live with it regardless of the outcome. He may just be scared and therefore making you the scapgoat of his fears, men don't have the reality of life inside them so it's easier for them to look at pregnancy as just another problem with various solutions. Good luck


michelle - April 2

hello first of all he is responsible and will have to pay child support, my ex left at 9 months and now a mother to a great 2 year old raising a child on your is not bad i have done it plus went to school i would not change her for anything kim


Rachelle - April 2

Michelle, I have to agree with the other responses made so far. If he was so worried he could have used a condom or at least made sure that you were on the pill or some other BC. This is your choice. If you really want a baby then you should go ahead with it, this might be your only chance. I say let him live with his resentment, he will be the one suffering for it in the long run. I personally don't think that you should have an abortion, having had one I will tell you that it stays with you for the rest of your life especially since you have been wanting a baby.


X - April 3

Michelle, I have PCOS. It is almost impossible to get pregnant. Since you did, this must be celebrated!!! Trust me, I'm 38-- TTCd for the last 9 years. Incl. IUIs and IVF. This child is a blessing. Be humble and take this gift with all your heart.


Michelle - April 3

Thanks for all the advice. I think I've decided to keep the child. I have been doing a lot of reading and talking to a lot of parents. I never realized that the possibility of pregnancy is less than 20% for people who are TRYING to conceive. And while I am not a very religious or spiritual person I now honestly believe that no one can "plan" a pregnancy and I would not be pregnant (or carry this child to full term) if God doesn't have some control. I have tried to explain this to the father but he is still willing to sacrifice his child's life based on how he feels at this moment and gave a resounding "no" when I asked him if he thought his feelings would change. So, I'm going on with out him. If he doesn't want to love or be a father to his child there are so many other people who will. My family, friends, and even some of my cla__s mates (I'm in grad school) have pledged their support and I know I can count of them! Thanks again everyone and please keep me in your thoughts as I keep all of you in mine.


X - April 3

You'll be in my thoughts for sure. Sounds like you are a very sensible and loving Mom-to-be. Take care of yourself and all the best.


leigh - April 4

Get rid of the boyfriend - he sounds like a tosser, there are plenty of decent understanding guys around - take care of yourself


Nikki - April 4

Tell him to kiss your a**! If he doesn't want to have anything to do with the baby, then it's his loss! You and your baby can have a wonderful life despite his stupidity



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