Husband Doesn T Want Kids

28 Replies
Judi Sarah - November 2

i want kids but my husband doesn't and isn't sure if he will ever want kids. it's been an uphill battle for over a year. i don't know how to convince him - and i have tried every way i know how. don't know what to do. very sad. any advice?

 

Tory1980 - November 3

Was this not a discussion you had before you got married. Unfortunately there isn't a lot you can do if he doesn't want kids other than decide if you want to live your life childless. I have seen a lot of couples split over this and it needs to be something you need to decide on as soon as possible.

 

Grandpa Viv - November 3

He will likely change his mind when he gets older, if you can wait that long. Children are the best chance any of us has for immortality. See if you can negotiate a target situation under which he will change his mind (age, financial, housing) and then drop the subject until then. Talk to his mom about the situation - she may be anxious for grandchildren. Going against his wishes is likely to end you up a single mom, but conniving women can usually figure out how to make accidents happen. Good luck!

 

cayingo - November 4

HAve you tried to be in the same settings as others with children so he can see first hand the joy and energy they give to a couple? Yes, it is a tiring job, but there's nothing out there more rewarding. Maybe if he was influenced by some friends with first hand experience he'd start to see a differecnt perspective. To both of the previous respondants answers, at some point you'll have to decide if you'll be willing to do parenthood solo, and, as G-pa Viv said, make an accident happen. I have a girlfriend who just recently ended her 10 year marriage b/c her husband was not willing to bend. Se la vi!

 

Gla__schicky - November 5

When I met my husband he was dead set against having children, it caused a big dent in our relationship but slowly I started bringing him around my friends kids..watched the movie '9 months' which impacted him because he was also afraid to 'lose his youth' ... seriously there is always something they are usually afraid of. He eventually came around and now we're married and expecting and he's happy. Hopefully your situation will change and he will open up his eyes and see what a blessing children can be. Good luck hun!

 

Judi Sarah - November 9

thank you so much to everyone for responding. tory - we did discuss having children before we got married and we both wanted kids. somewhere along the way, he changed his mind. g-pa viv - i don't mind waiting, but i would like ot have children while i am still young and have enough energy to enjoy them. i did speak to his mom and she said to pray. cayingo - i haven't tried same setting as others with children. he does like kids, but unfortunately, he isn't too crazy about hanging out with our few friends who have kids all the time. plus he has friends who don't want kids and i can't help but wonder if that influences him. gla__schicky - i like your story. i am hoping the same for me. thanks again everyone!

 

Eleysse - November 9

Im sorry but you have a right to have a child. If you want one GET PREGNANT! Sometimes men have to be forced into situations to be happy about it. Men usually dont want kids becuz that means responsibility and they have to grow up! Have to force manhood on them!!

 

Cat24 - November 10

I dont agree with Eleysse's comment about forcing him into it. after all its just as much his right to not have a child if he doesnt want one. you wouldnt see a guy forcing a woman to have a child that she didnt want, so why it is acceptable the other way round? sounded like a rather selfish comment to me. Judi if i were you i would mention to him the fact that before you got married you both wanted a family. find out what/where it went wrong and try to discuss his true feelings on the matter. if you suddenly got pregnant now i imagine he would feel resentment towards you for knowing that he doesnt want children at this moment in time. a relationship is based on trust and you need to get to the real crux of why his mind has since changed. maybe its a psychological issue to do with how his dad treated him or how he doesnt think he would make a good father. either way its best to know

 

another Karen - November 10

If he wanted children at the start of the relationship then I think you have a right to know what changed, and he has to know that he's been unfair to you by changing his mind. I would feel right ripped off, and quite trapped. I do not agree with trapping him into fatherhood but I believe that his change of mind is equally as cruel.

 

Grandpa Viv - November 10

Here's another thought, and one I can relate to from experience. His change of heart may be due to the fact that he is beginning to have doubts about this relationship, and does not want to complicate it further by bringing a child into the picture. This is serious business. If that is the case you need to find a way to bring it into the open. You need to know now if your ambition to have a child would better be fulfilled with a different partner. Good luck!

 

another Karen - November 10

G-pa Viv's last idea was my thoughts too. This happened to a lady I used to work with. I didn't want to suggest it though as that is such a shattering thing to face. I hope you's can work this out and that we are way off track.

 

Babycrazy - November 11

Almost the same thing happened to me so I feel your pain. I was engaged planning a wedding in 2002 when all of a sudden he told me he had changed his mind and did not want children. We talked and fought about it for months, this was someone I was about to marry! One thing I was not going to budge on was having kids so we broke up three months later. I am now with a wonderful man and 17 weeks pregnant. I really don't think it's fair that he would say he wanted kids before and now that you are married he says no......I am sorry and wish you all the best. I would wait a little longer but if he still stands strong let him know if he does not reconsider you will have to find someone who has the same goals as you. This might wake him up a bit if he is faced with loosing you. You will be a great mother and don't give up on your dreams!!

 

Gla__schicky - November 11

I wish you all the best hun and hope that you can get to the bottom of all of this. Hopefully everything we've said is wrong and he's just having trouble with the thought of kids. Regardless, figure things out if you can and let us know how you do. :)

 

Judi Sarah - November 12

thank you so much everyone for listening and responding. eleyesse, i do feel it's my right to have kids, but cat24 it's true that he equally has the right to not want kids. another karen and g-pa viv, i truly hope it's not what you guys were thinking. i have asked him whether he feels that he isn't sure about our relationship and whether a child will trap/bind him into our relationship, but he keeps rea__suring me that isn't the case. in fact, he tells me that i am his family and all he needs is me. thankfully, everything else in our life is fine. he is a very good husband, God bless and i have no complaints (other than the usual wife complaints about helping around the house). by the way, cat24 i think you hit the nail on the dot. i don't think his father's relationship with him was great and he has told me about his fear of being a bad father. babycrazy, your story sounds so nice, congrats on the pregnancy! i pray that my hubby changes his mind back, but considering i am not getting any younger, i hope it's sooner than later.

 

jezebel1018 - November 13

3 weeks into dating i advised my husband that i had no desire to have children. ever. ever ever. so he dumped me. i had to respect his decision. who am i to say your desire to have one means any more or less than my desire not to. clearly we got back together. he said he only wanted to be with me, and if that meant no kids then ok. weve been married 2 years now and i cant believe it my d__n self but we are actually trying to conceive. i cant say what changed my mind exactly nor can i say my mind is completely changed. but i know that he is envious of his friends w/children and i want him to be happy i told him i would do it one time only. knowing all of this, he never EVER pressured me. he doesnt drop hints, he doesnt sulk or chide me. he accepted my position fully. i thnk that might have been a HUGE facter in my change in position. my point is, at least my husband made a choice knowing full well that kids might never be. but to already be married and to have someone suddenly change the rules, i cant imagine that. thats like him saying to me if you dont have a child im leaving you, even though he knew my view. i wish you luck judi. i know its difficult.

 

Judi Sarah - November 14

thanks jezebel. it really is very difficult because it's such a major decision. i hope he changes his mind like you did. right now i have decided to back off for a bit and just hope and pray that he changes his mind back. i don't know what else to do, i feel like this has been an uphill battle for 2 years now. when and how will it end?

 

jezebel1018 - November 14

i hope he changes his mind too judi because then the alternative becomes which do you want more and thats not really fair but then life isnt fait is it. you have a right to both but he would be putting you a position to choose. at that point then you have to start all over? i know life is subject to change without notice. its just unfortunate that its not only little things that change. i hope it doesnt come to that for the sake of your love and the marriage you have created. my heart goes out to you.

 

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