Please Read Need Advice Quick

13 Replies
Dee - November 19

My son just turned 4 less than 2 months ago. He has been in the same daycare since he was 3 months old...he has always been a great little boy. About a month ago he started having some aggression problems which everyone seem to attribute to the fact that i'm expecting our second boy in January and also the fact that we had to take my little boy's playroom and turn in back into a nursery....also at the same time his favorite teacher who almost had him completely potty trained quit...causing him to revert back some, he will go peepee in potty if you take him, but he won't tell you he needs to go, and we cannot for the life of us get him to poop, he keeps saying he will poop when he is big like his daddy....Okay, we had a conference w/ his daycare about him being aggressive, he pushed a child, threw some toys, we all decided to work together in a calm fashion to try to correct his behavior, i digress a little but also during our conversation that said this had been going on about a month before they even called up to come in which of course made my husband and i look stupid and like we don't discipline our child, they also said they sent home "oops" reports with my husband, which was a direct lie, because the director backtracked later and said maybe she just placed them in my son's file....okay, he was good for about a week then had another outburst but this time hit the teacher...they called me last wednesday and said come pick him up which my husband did,,,,i go to take him to daycare the next morning and the owner meets me up front and says i cannot leave him today or tomorrow, that she told my husband that. Okay, i broke down because i was on my way to work, then i had my obgyn appt that morning and took my son back w/ me. I called hubby hysterical and he said he never said anything to him about keeping our son out for a few days then he called her and she started backtracking again, saying it was for the best that the teacher hit was really upset crying and threatening to quit....okay this teacher supposedly has 12 yrs experience so i would assume this has happenend before and as experience as she is she should know how to handle....needless to say my husband said he is never going back there. My obgyn said i should file a complaint w/ dhr because they never gave us anything in writing about my son's behavior and you cannot just turn someone away that day that's bringing in their child we should have been given notice so we could have made other arrangements (my hubby & I both work full time).....Next point....I found a center close to my office and we visited Thursday afternoon, spent an hour w/ director, showed us facility, asked alot of of her questions was ; was my son potty trained, i said yes for peepeeing but having a hard time w/ the pooping, she never said anything w/ regards to that and continued to show me the facility. i took him back on Friday to spend the day, they called me around 10 to say he was doing great, i called back around 11:30 they said he was husband met me there around 3 so they could meet him and they teacher said they had an overall good day, he was a little loud, and said poophead and tee tee head, which the way she said it seemed like a crime....but overall he did well and bring him back on Monday and she thought all would work well.....I get home at 6:30 Friday nite and the director of the new place called me to say that she did not know until she spoke w/ the teacher that my son was not FULLY potty trained, and to be in the 4 year old class he has to be FULLY potty trained, they will not change him, if he has a poop they will call me at work to come change him...I was floored....I paid them $80 on Friday for a reg. fee and drop in fee and no one said anything about this when i dropped him off or when we picked him up. Now my problem, if i take him back there on Monday i have to pay them $130 for the weekly fee, if he poops they are going to call me to come clean him up, (can they really leave poop on him, that makes me cry)...I thought this would work so i havent contacted any other facilities. If i don't take him in I'll have to miss work, even though my boss is very understanding, im concerned because i missed most of last Thursday dealing w/ this.....Guys, i'm sick, i've cried till i can't cry anymore, i'm 8 months pg, extremely down, my son's former daycare has treated my little boy like he is a criminal which makes me cry.......what do i do? Does anyone have any suggestions for (1) Quick poopy potty training, (2) good daycares that are willing to work w/ you in the Riverchase, Pelham, Helena area of Alabama......i'm at my wits end...i'm so worried about Monday I can't see straight, didn't sleep at all last nite, so worried i'm making myself sick.....Please guys, any help would be appreciated......I'm going upstairs to play w/ little one so hubby can enjoy ALvsAU....i'll check back later for any responses.....Sorry this is long, but i really need help.....thanks


j - November 20

At 4 your son should be fully potty trained. I know all kids are different, but dont let him dictate when he will go poop or not. You are the one to tell him to go!! He sounds intelligent, explain that you want him to go in the 4 year old cla__s but he has to go poop on the potty. You might be surprised - he might say 'okay'!! I know it sounds bad, but bribe him. Tell him if he goes poop on the potty at daycare then he can have whatever toy or acitivity he has been really wanting.


Amy - November 20

Your son should be potty trained at 4 years old. Why is he still wearing diapers? 'J' is right; you have to make it a big deal for him when he does do it. Celebrate with a cake or something, buy him a gift, balloons..make it the biggest deal in the world. He is running the show. Where is the aggression coming from? What kinds of games do you play at home with him? Is he allowed to hit you and your husband with play swords or anything like that, as that promotes violence and aggression.


An idea - November 20

Feed him something that works a little like a laxative- prune juice or grape juice or something. Give it a little bit to kick in, then put him on the potty and make him stay there until he poops. Then make a huge deal out of it! Hang in there, you sound overly emotional, which I'msure is because of your pregnancy. Everything will work out somehow!!


To Dee - November 20

Please do not disregard that your pregnancy may be having a negative effect on your son, which will leave lasting scars if not handled properly. This happened with my brother who was so unprepared for my arrival (which was my parents fault) that he started to stutter and feel as though he had to attack me every chance he got. Before that, he was a sweet self-satisfied little angel. Monumental change can make even the most complacent child do all kinds of things in reaction to what THEY learn to view as a threat, and holding in his poop, for example, is something he knows he can use to get back at you. It also gets your attention. In other words, children don't always pick obvious ways to get back at adults. And having his playroom taken away from him must have been very traumatic since he probably saw it as his own place, a refuge, one where he felt secure and happy. How can this change not seriously affect him? I know when I was little I was traumatized for months when a mere pillow was taken away from me, because I saw it as my "baby". Imagine a room that he grew up, which holds his first memories?? So you can't expect something as grand as a new baby and all of these changes, not to mention discussions your son is naturally hearing all the time not to have some cause and effect. Before he gets branded a slow learner in the pooping department, sit him down and spend as much time explaining that this new baby coming will be "his", a "special gift for him" more than anyone else. Make him feel that he will have a very important role, a job, and something to look forward to. Let say, someone to teach to go potty...Otherwise, he will always see this baby as a threat and it'll start to affect his growth in all kinds of ways.


Jbear - November 20

First of all, you're not doing anything wrong (which the above posts seem to imply). You cannot squeeze the poop out of your son yourself, obviously. It's going to have to happen when he's ready. I tried the prune juice idea, but my daughter was so scared to poop in the potty that she still held it until bedtime and went in her diaper, explosively...I had to replace sheets, comforter, pillow, curtains and mattress. A lot of kids have trouble being brave enough to poop in the potty. The first time my daughter c___pped in the toilet, after a year of trying (me trying and her whining, anyhow), I wanted to frame it! If your son's feet don't touch the floor when he's on the potty, he might not have the leverage to push it out. I put a short step stool in front of my daughter's toilet so that she could have something to push against. I also started feeding her corn so she'd have something interesting to see in her poop. As far as the agressive behaviour goes, little kids don't like change and they react to it in different ways. When I brought my second daughter home from the hospital, my older girl was really agressive for a couple of weeks...throwing things at me and the baby, punching me (once-I spanked her for it), hitting kids at the park, and trying to give the baby away to anyone who admired her in a store. I kept telling her, "mommy has two kids, and I love them both," every time she acted up, until she got the idea that she wasn't being replaced. I don't know what you should do about the daycare, because I've never had any experience with daycare. Maybe you could find a home daycare in your neighborhood, with just a couple of kids, so your son would get lots of attention. Or maybe you could start your maternity leave a little early and stay home with your son a couple of weeks before your baby comes, so you could get in some mother-son time and build up his self-esteem, and also have a little while to work on the day-care problem. I had to stop working three months before I was due, and that's when I managed to potty-train my daughter (she was three and a half). Before that, she was home with my husband in the daytime, but he never tried to potty-train her.


Dee - November 20

JBear, thanks for your support, i did kindof feel like I was being attacked by others. No my son does not hit my husband nor myself, he does not have any play swords or guns of any kind..his favorite movie is SpaceJam and his favorite things to play w/ are playdoe and he loves to color and draw, and he like Robots, Bionical stuff...we do not promote violence of any kind in our household, that's why no one could understand why he all of a sudden became aggressive....until we figured it was due to his new brother on the way....When we took apart his playroom, we made a big deal about making him his own special "big boy" room, we went out and spent about $1000 on a set of beautiful bunk beds, moved his television and dvd player into his room, re-arranged everything to make it look neat and special for him w/ all his favorite items in there, he LOVES his new room and is in there all the time, he plays really well by himself. As far as the potty training, i just don't know, we've done everything, reward system, toys, stickers, he has a potty setup in both bathrooms complete w/ stools, all the new kandoo items, soap, wipes, etc, you name it....i did get him to sit on the potty yesterday w/ his cloths on, and we let him run around naked from the waist down yesterday and he would tell me he needed to go peepee which he did very well all day, but he never had to poop when his cloths were off. I'm not a slacker guys, i've got books on potty training, i've read every d__n web site on potty training i can find, and i know at 4 he should be potty trained but he turned 4 less than 2 months ago, he's not 4 going on 5, and he is not wearing diapers, he is in pull-ups, big boy underwear (which we have had accidents, but they can be washed).... my hubby and i are not lazy, we don't ask him we just take him by the hand and say "let's go potty" and he comes w/ us and will peepee....thanks for all of your replies...


liz - November 20

I feel for your situation and am saddened by it. Clearly your son is having some emotional problems with the impending baby that may or may not need some prefessional help. As for the potty training you can't make him go and forcing him will only make him hate the potty. After reading your last post though I am troubled....these are your sons formative years and they should not be spent infrount of a television. Tv in the living room is one thing but tv and a dvd player in the bed room is a big mistake


JenniferB - November 20

I am so sorry that you have had to go through all of this. I was a toddler and preschool teacher and some kids are just very difficult to potty train. I had students that were expecting a sibling at one time or another and it definately changed their behavior for a while. The schools that I have worked in will not change a child at the age of four because they fear being accused of doing anything inappropriate. It is sad. My nephew was attending daycare in a YMCA that I worked for. Luckily I was there one day when he had diarrhea and I cleaned him up. Had I not been there he would have had to sit in it until my sister in law came to get him. If it was pee, they could just give him the clothes and he could put them on himself but obviously poop needs to be cleaned up. I am going to see if I can find an article that I read a while back about potty training let me see if I can find it. It was good.


JenniferB - November 20

I couldn't find the article but the idea was that every time her son, he was almost 5, pooped in his pants she would take away a toy that he liked. If he pooped in the toilet he would get a toy back that had been taken. My only concern would be that he has had so much to adjust to lately. It could work great or might just make him more stubborn. Good Luck, relax a bit, you sound like a wonderful mom.


Jbear - November 20

It's not that unusual to still be potty-training at three or four. I read a lot of posts about it when I was trying to get my daughter potty-trained, and for some kids it just takes longer. I was really relieved to see how many other parents had the same problems I was having, and to see that their kids were as old or older than mine. It has nothing to do with intelligence or physical development or the parent's abilities. My daughter was just stubborn...I wanted her to do it, so she didn't want to do it until she decided it was time. I remember getting really mad at her when I was about seven months pregnant, and telling her I didn't care if she wore diapers her entire life, I didn't care if she was still wearing diapers when she was as old as her aunt Katie (in high school) and I didn't care if she ever used the toilet. (This was all a LIE, I was already checking out prices on depends because my daughter was outgrowing pullups). That night she peed in my shoe. The next day she started using the toilet all the time. It wasn't anything I did, she just decided it was time. And there's nothing wrong with having a TV in your son's room...that's what my daughter is getting for Christmas this year, so that every now and then she can watch something in her room while my husband and I watch a real (not cartoon) movie in the living room. I think you're doing great, and I think some of the advice you've gotten here sounds like the advice of my friends who don't have kids yet...great in theory, but how on earth would you put it in practice?


Dee - November 20

Okay, guys, i know you are not going to believe this but listen,,,,i went back upstairs after being on the computer and my hubby and son were sitting in floor playing, i asked my son if he need to go to the bathroom and he said "mom, poop is coming out now", i grabbed him up took him in bathroom, took off his bottoms and sat him on the toilet, he said there for about 10 minutes and i heard a ploop....that was it....while he was on the toilet i was sitting in the floor trying not to pay any attention to him, and was looking at a magazine....he got up looked in the toilet and started to cry, saying, "that's not mine, i didn't do that"....i said baby you did great, i'm so proud of you, you are such a big boy...he cried for a few more minutes, then i said "give me a high five, you did great", he gave me a high five and came over a gave me the biggest hug, and said mommy i make you happy...his att_tude just seemed to, granted the poop was about the size of a dime, but i didn't care...i know he's not fully finished and he promised to tell me when he had to go again...i told him i had a huge suprise for him if he did....i know; bribary.....we just have to keep pressing forward from here....and JenniferB, thanks for your reply, and it never entered my mind that that's why they won't change them at the age of 4, that's pretty sad, but when you think about it, i guess something inappropriate could happen, you just pray it wouldn't.....please everyone just say a small prayer that we are beginning to get somewhere with this....i know it's a very small step, but at least we are going in the right direction....he has not worn pull-ups at all today, we got all his big boy underwear out so we will just keep pressing forward......and JBear you are exactly right, it's nice to see a grown up program once and a while, there's only so much SpaceJam i can take....oh or the movie Robots.....aaahhh....thanks guys you have all been a great help, i'm starting to feel a little better, not much, but a little....


KLC - November 21

Hi Dee...I have 3 children and am expevting my 4th. My two oldest are boys...youngest a girl....boys are so much harder to potty train....My daughter was trained a whole year before my boys were...the biggest piece of advice my pediatrician gave us with my oldest son (who was 4 1/2 when he finally stopped having poop accidents) was that if you try to force your child before they are ready that the effect on them could potentally cause problems for them later in life....encouragement is great even the old bribery thing but you can't force it...Also just a suggestion but in our situation we were buying all the cute pullups for our son with the characters on it thinking that he would love the big boy pants but they actually confused him...they felt to similar to a diaper for him so it was a pain in the neck until he was fully trained but we bought him actual cloth underwear and he got to pick out the characters on them and the differance between cloth and the pullups for him made all the difference. Most definately file a complaint with the state about the daycare facility I think maybe your sons aggression may have something to do with the daycare itself...he may have heard things being said about him by the workers in regards to his potty training or even just felt the tension (kids are so receptive) it's a blessing in disguise that he won't be going there anymore....You sound like a great mom so keep your head up and let us know how it's going.


Dee - November 21

KLC, thanks so much for your reply, we did find a great daycare today, one that is willing to work w/ my son to get him back on track....i explained the whole situation w/ them as regards to his previous daycare and they were really nice and understanding, plus they stated that since i'm due w/ second baby in January that could make my son digress as regards to potty training,,,I feel better, he's done well today as far as going to the bathroom...We've told him that he starts his big boy school tomorrow and has to wear underwear and he seems to be in agreement w/ that but i know he will have accident's once he gets there but they said don't worry, they will clean him up and put his cloths in the laundry....very small privately owned daycare....they take the children to the bathroom every half hour for repit_tion and seeing other cla__smates go and she said others have come in like my son and w/in a couple of weeks they are good.....keep your fingers crossed....My hubby and i were talking last nite and he said "I had no idea potty training would be this hard"....i guess we were just naive and thought he'd get it fast....Thanks to everyone for their replies, i think my moment of self pity is over although it could arise again....after running around all day today; making phone calls, and i live in Alabama, so the weather here today was awful, cold; dark; raining, so that made it even worse, i felt like i was in hell.....when we finally got back home i just broke down and sobbed for about 30 minutes, (don't forget i'm 32 weeks pg, so hormones as well)....I just want my little boy to be safe and happy that's all i kept saying....You know when you switch daycare after almost 4 years there is a sense of security that is gone.....but hopefully this one will work out great and my husband's office is less than a half of mile away...i of course am much further away....thanks to all, happy babies take care....please keep replying i cannot get on this site at work but can check in the evenings......



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