Unusual Donor Situation

7 Replies
adsl - October 20

A very good friend, who is single, has asked me to be a donor for her to get pregnant. We have had something like a loose affair for about five years, but we would both like to more or less end this affair (we only see each other twice a year or so). It is very important to her to get pregnant. The affair was very much started by her, and now she says that all along, she wanted to get pregnant by me. She refuses to go to a bank or adopt. I am married, without children, and neither I nor my wife has a desire to have children of our own. Given this, clearly I could not accept any responsibility for my friend's child. I think my friend's request is strange, but I promised to consider it. Does anybody have any thoughts on this? Am I heartless to say no?


BethS - October 20

If she wants to have a baby that bad and supposedly stop this affair I think she should look elsewhere for a donor. She is obviously looking for some sort of permenant attachment to you because anyone woman that wants a child soo badly would explore all of her options. Unless you would just like to continue your disgusting behaivior by sealing the deali with having a child. Maybe you should just discuss this with your wife. Im sure she would love it.


tish212 - October 20

first off that would not be fair to ur wife...u married her stated in front of "god" to honor and cherish her...and to remain faithful to her. she should be who u consider first in all this. also is u did go through with this and got her pregnant who's to say she wouldn't come after u for child support. her refusal to go find an actual donor shows just how messed up in the head she is...she seems to only want *your* baby which is not a good sign of what may be to come. this may not seem like the best route but u need to tell ur wife...she deserves to know that u broke ur vows and now r actually considering granting another womans wish.... which is not ur job ur not this other womans husband. nor is it ur job to give her a baby. even though u and ur wife don't want kids doesn't mean u can just give ur sperm to any woman that wants it. I really hope u just cut all ties ti this woman and tell ur wife the truth...


Tory1980 - October 20

I think you are asking for trouble. If she wants a baby that badly then she has other options open to her. Getting pregnant by you is her sure way of keeping you around and in her life and I would almost guarantee 100% she will let your wife know you got her pregnant and she will go after you for child support. I think you are perfectly right in saying no and if I was in your position that would be my answer to her request.


kay101 - October 20

I had a friend of mine ask me to be a surrogate for him. He was young, single, extremely successful, and wanted a child as he felt he had already accomplished everything in his life already. He offered to pay for the artificial insemination, all my medical bills, all my regular bills in general, $50,000 when the baby was born, and to be in it's life as much as I wanted. We were close friends and he saw I had a beautiful daughter already and how good I was with her, so preferred me over a stranger. Despite the overly generous offer which is an extreme amount more than a surrogate is usually offered to carry a child, I couldn't do it. I couldn't imagine carrying my daughter and her not living with me. I couldn't stand not seeing her everyday, and I knew I'd have the same bond with that child. It's more than just being a donor, that baby would still be half of you. You would always wonder what how they are doing, what they are doing, and have a constant heartache missing them. Beside that fact I really don't see how having an illigimate child with a woman you had an affair with could even be considered as a remotely good idea. If you say you youself has no desire to have a child why have one? I believe maybe you would like to end this affair, and perhaps she doesn't and this is her way of holding on to it. What will happen if she decides to take you to court for child support or custody? Is it worth losing your wife over too?


adsl - October 21

Thanks to everybody for their comments. Clearly this is my fault and I am responsible for the difficult situation. There are a few extenuating circ_mstances, however -- not that they excuse my behavior, but the facts are the facts. First is that my wife and I have a pretty loose and I guess unconventional relationship -- it is not an open marriage or anything like that, but we spend a lot of time apart and in the course of our work we inevitably spend time with other people. She knows in general about this other friend of mine. Nonetheless we are very close, it's just that we don't need to wake up every day together to feel a very close bond. Another fact is that my friend who wants to get pregnant lives in another country with a very different legal system and culture regarding families. To me this is secondary, but as many of you pointed out, it is not irrelevant either. I guess what I am trying to do is to understand her position. I would agree with many of you that there are other options. However, not being a woman, I have no native understanding of the desire to have one's own children (ie, not adopt), nor do I see why one would not go to a bank for an anonymous donor, especially if the legal status of anonymous donors and donors known to the mother are the same. If I were to speculate, she is rather shy, lived primarily in an all-female household (father died young), and just does not know many men, so there might be a familiarity factor here. I might be wrong, but I thought her desire to break off our relationship was genuine. Thanks again. If anyone has further thoughts, please let me know.


Grandpa Viv - October 22

If your wife is cool with the idea, this would be a kindness. The woman likes your genes and perhaps has no wish to have a permanent man in her life. Having a donor from another country pretty much guarantees that you won't be interfering too much with child raising. You may end up spending a bunch on air fares before you bring this to a successful conclusion. Good luck!


Alirose - October 24

I can see why someone would want a donor they knew as opposed to an anonymous donor. My partner and I opted for an anonymous donor but did consider asking some friends. As for financial responsibility, there are ways you can protect yourself if you don't want such responsibility (sign a donor contract with the woman). The real issues for you to consider are whether, first, you and your wife are ok with knowing you would have a child out there, and second, whether you will be okay with having this child perhaps wanting to find you one day.



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