Father To Be Quot Unsupportive Quot Is An Understatement

8 Replies
Bimko - February 16

I'm 39, he's 43. We are obviously not children, and are pretty well established in our respective lives. Friends of friends, I've known him for 6 or 7 years, and we kicked it up to "more than friends" a year and a half ago. Because I always wanted a big family and he didn't, we decided not to become exclusive, but our relationship was otherwise too much fun to end without good reason. Then the "whoops". That was nearly 20 weeks ago. Expecting the worst, I gave him a "get out of jail free" card - deny paternity, nobody ever has to know, and I will have no expectations - but he said he couldn't do that. Then he asked me to leave him alone to get his head straight. That was nearly two months ago. I knew his reaction wouldn't be good, but not even I could have anticipated this. The handful of conversations I've had with him since have been devastating to me: Do you want to see the ultrasound pictures? No. Will you come to the next sonogram? No. Will you be there for the delivery? No. Will you come furniture shopping with me? No. Do you want to know the s_x? No. Do you want it to have your last name? No. Do you want your name on the birth certificate? No. Do you want to help choose a name? No. Do you want a say on ANYTHING? No. Well then why didn't you make this easier on both of us and just deny paternity? "I wanted to do the right thing." -- ????? How is saying "no" to every fatherly obligation the "right thing"??? He finally admitted the reason he's so distraught is now this ruins his hope for the idealistic little husband-wife-kid future he envisioned for himself (good luck with that - again, he's 43, and this is the longest relationship he's ever had). I tell him again and again, if he's only going to have one child (which he swears he will), then it's on its way, and he needs to step up and be there for it. Our parents are all thrilled - this will be his mother's first (and probably only) grandchild. She is the only person in his life making any effort to make him feel good about this. Unfortunately, his friends and brothers have the most influence over him, and they pound it into his head repeatedly that fatherhood is miserable, and that I somehow did this on purpose for a share of his money, which is, frankly, preposterous. He is a real miser, so I know that is a huge concern to him, but as long as he's willing to help out in other ways, he can keep his stupid money. I've pretty much given up any hope of salvaging our former relationship, but it is so important to me that we maintain an amicable relationship at least, and that I not grow to hate the father of my baby. What does he need to hear to help him not only accept the situation, but maybe even actually start to look forward to being a father? I will be so grateful for any words of advice or encouragement...


Mommiex20803 - February 21

Hi im much much younger than you im 18 and im pregnant with my 2nd child....all i have to say is im really sorry about how he is acting...he sounds like a jerk...you would figure being 43 he would be happy about the baby! but i guess some guys never change...i honestly dont know what to do with him...i mean maybe if you acted like you didnt care...maybe he would come around but yet i dont completely understand guys haha....i know im not much help but GOOD LUCK with everything!


Terio - February 28

Bimko, my honest suggestion would be to leave him alone. You can't force participation, and even if you could.. would you really want to? You've done what you can, and as much as my pride would have prevented me from asking if he wanted to see pictures, to come shopping, have his last name - you DID ask for any bit of involvement he could throw your way... and he's unwilling. There's nothing he can hear from you to help him accept the situation. If I had to take a wild, grasping at straws prediction on this situation from what I've read, it would go something like.. he made it clear he didn't want kids, feels you did this on purpose due to your ticking clock and desire for family life and he feels duped and helpless and extremely p__sed off.. and a__suming you gather the strength to keep your distance from him for now, he reluctantly comes around down the road. But what the hell do I know. :-) I hope your situation gets better, Bimko. I say this is one of those situations where you're best letting him come around on his own. Good luck to you & baby.


neonebula2001 - April 12

Well being a Male myself I can say that fatherhood is a lot to digest. It does not in anyway excuse his lack of a connection or support however. Men I think have it way to easy where raising children is concerned. It is acceptable for a man to plead emotional stupidity and ignorance if they are having issues about this change in their lives and dreams. Honestly this is not anything that anyone shuld accept from their partner male or otherwise. All of his NO answers give the impression of the emtional hide of an armadillo who may be physically present but beyond that may do more harm than good. Men teach their sons how to treat woman and if this man is rude and cold then his son will see that and may imitate what he see's later on. If on the other hand this child is female and her father is not available emotionally to her then there are going to be issues as well. It is all or nothing with children. You either roll up your sleeves and dig in with your wife / partner or you don't. Fatherhood is not about deciding to play dad for a day it is about modeling good behavior and being supportive.


Our greatest gift - April 13

Hi Bimko..... You didn't plan on getting pregnant with his child since you knew he didn't want a big family and you did so he needs to ease up- your faces many changes in your life and he being 43 - his ideas of wife-baby are changed forever..... Okay well then now he needs to move on and get over it..... Heck if you want a big family off the bat now you will have to start as a blended family..... He needs to grow up and shouldn't need convincing to do the right thing.... I don't think you should let him off child support though and don't feel sorry for him... His life REALLY hasn't changed at all at this point..... My opinion..... I also wouldn't crave to share soo much info. with him- let him wonder.... Give time- it will help..... Lorie Ann


newmom07 - April 17

Here's my 2 cents worth. Write him a little explaining what you expect and dont expect from him, a wish list if you will. Then leave it up to him to make the next move...I would still add his name to the birth certficate b/c he is the father wether he acknowledges it or not. If chooses to walk away, your child has the right to know who the father is if she decides to find out. I dont know where you stand financially, but he does need to help. This a horrible situation that your in and I truly feel for you. Maybe when the baby is born and he holds him/her it will seem more real to him. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, keep doing what your doing and stay strong!


danny - April 21

please dont yell at me, shoot the messenger if you will, but came in to see if there was other men, just not doing well the the "support" thing, short story even shorter, ex girlfriend- ran into her some time later at a bar had to much to drink, one night thing, ooops, not in love but do have lots of love for her she agrees we are not compatible as partners, but wants to have this baby, Trying to do best i can to play nice and we are doing ok, some one suggested a DOULA, the give her some extra support since this wasnt such "picture perfect" situation, Any one ever heard of a doula? Bimko maybe you should look into it to for some support i mean


unk - May 2

What a loser. At 43, he should just be a man and take care of his one baby. What better things does he have to do?? Meet friends, go out?? I personally think you should be strong, tell him once and for all calmly and seriously, that this is his baby and his life. If he wants to be a father, then this is it. Otherwise, just leave. Why would you bother asking more than once? You shouldn't even have to ask in the first place!


slowpoke01 - May 2

i agree with the others. leave him alone. maybe tell him that he needs to make a choice either he wants to be part of this childs life or not either way you need to know and if he doesnt tell him thats fine that you have more important things to worry about right now instead of a loser who wants nothing to do with his kid. he wants one kids he says well he is 43 at what point was he wanting a kid at 60? if he didnt want kids he should have used protection because at 43 he should know where babies come from. tell him you need to know so that you know where he stands in this childs life. tell him it isnt fair for you or for the baby for him to be beating around the bush deciding whether or not he wants this child. also tell him that this is his only chance. tell him if he wants nothing to do with this child now then dont bother changing his mind later because he wont have this option when the child is a teenager and almost grown to just be able to pop back in its life and toy with everyones emotions. good luck.



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