I Didnt Know I Had A Child Til Now

3 Replies
tx - December 24

I found out a week ago that my exgirlfriend gave birth to a baby boy a year and three months ago. The child is mine. When we were dating we chose to have an abortion..twice... the second time she kept the money. Since then i have moved to canada to be with my current girlfriend, whom i love dearly. I really dont know what to do..the mother lives in MI..and im only 21 and this changes my life completly. My father left my mother when i was 5 and i havnt seen him since, i promised myself i wouldnt ever be like him. Im really confused about what is right for the baby..and right for me... what should i do?


Mellissa - December 24

Oh my.... I just spoke to a women who was contemplating keeping the baby of an ex-boyfriend without telling him. Although I agree that abortion is a women's choice, not a man's, I certainly do not believe this is the case when it comes to a women bringing a child into the world (save for the few times when the birth father would be a danger to the baby) How did you find out that she hadn't gone through with the abortion? If she is the one that finally let you in, she is obviously having a bout of ill-conscience (and she should!) for not telling you- I imagine she feels quite guilty about it. However, if you found out from someone else, do not think that you are without parental rights (should you choose to exercise them) So long as you weren't a danger to the child, she should have told you her intentions to keep the baby (and she was going to do it with or without you anyway) and then allowed you to decide how you wanted to be involved. Because it was her decision to keep the baby, your only obligation to him/her was (and still is) financial support (as you should never become involved emotionally and physically if you know your heart will never be in it, a child should never be made an obligation like that) I must ask why she chose to keep this pregnancy from you to begin with. Did you part on nasty terms? Did you push her into the abortions which caused her to be negative/resentful towards you? Is this issue only coming up now because she needs the financial support or because she feels alone? How you choose to be involved is still your choice and you must let your current girlfriend in on the situation. No doubt she'll be upset and, although her feelings aren't wrong, she cannot be angry with you- this happened before you were together and your past is your past. Your ex betrayed you by leading you to believe something that wasn't true. You didn't keep things from your new girlfriend. Even if your ex thought the child is something that you wouldn't want anyways, it was still very wrong for her not to tell you. Be open and honest with your new girlfriend and let her know that you need her to help you through this. Don't block her out because it will make her feel much less in control of this situation than she already is. She needs to feel like your allied partner here and not an outsider looking in helplessly. Also, if the two of you ever have children together, they will have a half-sibling somewhere. If you choose to offer child support, do so legally and you can rest at ease knowing that you are at least doing your part financially. As for living so far away... well, if you work it out with your ex to let your child know who you are than don't worry about the distance. A child who never knew his/her father is less likely to miss him now if all he get's is a yearly visit but frequent phone calls, letters and emails. If you can work this out with the Mother and it's what you want than do it. Also know that if she is unreasonable, you do have parental rights. She cannot use the fact that you requested an abortion as a way to prove to the court that you never wanted to be involved to begin with because she had already stated this very thing. Twice. I can say this with fact because my fiance and I became pregnant this past May without planning. It was poor timing and we went so far as to book an abortion-something I am moraly against in most situations. I couldn't go through with it, told him this on the eve of the surgery and, he was disconcerted. But the very next day he told me that I had made the right decision and since then? Well, I've never seen such an anxious, happy, helpful and supportive daddy-to-be. The point? Maybe you would have been a willing Father too (with or without romantic involvement with the Mother) if you had been given the chance. Do what is right for you now and understand that, while a child may not understand growing up why his Father was not around when he/she was little, they all figure out what really went on when they become adults. I did about my parents. You should be commended for showing genuine concern and not just dismissing this... most guys much older than you should behave so responsibly. Oh, welcome to Canada. We just had 25cm of snow dumped on us... Merry Christmas.


tx - December 24

Thanks for your response.. her reason for not telling me about the baby in the first place was in her words 'she was scared and didnt know how to tell me'. When we were together she would always tell me that the person that she had children with was the person she would marry. And i do fear that she feels alone..and really wants to get me back expecially since we now have a child together she will always be in my life, like she wanted. i would never been a danger to the child, i just worry that im too young and not ready for a child yet... and that i have so much stuff to deal with before i knew about the child.. now my plate is overflowing. but i dont want teh child growing up not knowing who is dad is. ps.merrychristmas to u 2


Bryan - January 12

Sould it not be, "The person I marry will be the person I have children with"?



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