Step Son Vs My Blood Son

11 Replies
S. Black - December 2

My wife and I are expecting our first child together this Jan. She has some worry that I will treat her son that lives with us, 7 years old, and my son differently. He has his dad how still gets him every other weekend. I don't think I will treat them differently but I can't help but think that I will feel differently about them. I know that I'm afraid that my son will call me by my first name like my step son does and the thought of that makes me mad. I don't know what to do to ease my wife’s fears either. I feel like she will always hold her first son in a higher place than mine. Just because she has been through so much with him. Heck I know she cares more about him than me. Anybody in this situation and can offer what it's like and what is reasonable.


Hummm - December 2

Wow. I think you have said a lot of what people feel when they get married to others who have children and then decide to have children of their own. Number one, make sure that you do treat both children equally. I a__sume that you love your wife's son, correct? When you marry into a "premade" family and then decide to have another child, you cannot treat the children differenty because one is blood and the other is not. Also, try and refer to him as our son as opposed to yours. I came from a family of a total of real sister, three step-sisters, and one half-brother and we all made it just fine. We never could really tell any favortisum between the kids and our parents were fair and decent to us all. Our half-brother is the only one who calls both the parents Mom and Dad...the rest of us call one parent by their first name. Your son may try and copy his older brother when he's older by using your first name, but it won't stick and that is certainly nothing to get mad over. Especially at a little kid when they don't know any better. Your wife is going to care about this baby just as much as she cares about her son, but I think that it's pretty natural to feel how you are. Also, why would you say that she cares about her son more than you? I think that your best bet is to sit down with your wife and talk about both of your feelings and fears with having this new baby. It will be better to get everything out on the table before it's born as opposed to after. I think that you may be overthinking a lot of things and talking with your wife may help to calm your fears. Good luck to you!


Jamie - December 2

Your wife will love every child she gives birth to, no matter what. And, once you see your son, you will love him, not more than you love her, but differently, and in such a blinding way that nothing else matters...and that's exactly how it should be. Priorities change when children are involved...the children should always be the first priority - and you will see that it's true.


kr - December 3

I am sure she will love both children equally. You should try to show her you can do the same. Take time with your older son. You can have "grown-up" guy time with him. It may take effort, but you can be a comfort to one another as you will both notice your wife will need to give extra attention to the baby. I agree with the prior post that you need to start refering to the older child as 'our son'. He is already aware of the difference, and no matter how much you try to treat him the same,calling him anything other than 'ours' tells him that is how you think of him. Take this time to establish a relationship with your older son.


karine - December 3

First...i dont know if its just me, but the bond of a first born is always different than the other children, iam not talking about "how much love" just "bonding". so wether her son was from previous relatioship, a first born is always differente, but she will developp a bond with this baby too. As every loving mother does. Second.....the love between a wife/husband is not comparable to the love for a child. its completely different. Third.....yes you may feel more love for your "blood" son, as it will be your first. But no difference should be made, its things you keep to yourself and that you dont show. Your treat both the same, you give the same, you spend the same quality time. And yes as previous post said...refer to as "our" son instead of her son, it will make a difference to your wife. And she may start feeling more at ease with it. You should settle this issue with your wife, as it wont be time after the baby is there. it can make friction and the kids will feel the tansion that is going on. try to also spend alone time with the older one when baby gets there. make him feel like you still care eventhough you have a new baby.


Not to offend - December 4

She has to care about him more than you. She is a mom and i am a recent one as well and my daughter is 1st before everyone, besides which you are just a second husband.. You will feel differently about your son from what you do her son. This is your blood and of course you will, thinking anything else from your wife would be crazy. Try not to show it too much. My ex had 2 kids and sadly i could never bond with them. After 5 yrs it wasn't there as hard as i tried cause once a fortnight they wanted dad, not me. Plus they were older when i met them and they had no time for me, the daughter did but not the son too much. It's hard, you will have favortism for your new baby, anyone that says otherwise hasn't been there. I have been there. This other boy isn't yours so again yours will be favored more, if you do bond with her son you are lucky but you have been given the chance to bond as he lives with you which makes a big difference. Good luck and don't take offence to how i word this. Also she would not be much of a person if her child did not come before her husband, first second or third time husband.


Bee - December 9

I would have to say that for the childs peace of mind, try not to play favorites. From experience, my mom remarried when i was 9 and they had my little brother when i was 10. my stepdad always played favorites with him. I felt like i only had my moms love and that he didn't care about me. I started to feel like he was trying to get my mom to love him more than me, which we moms know is not possible. I know now as a mother that my mom loved both me and my brother the same and him as her husband in a different way. The relationship with him went bad when i hit my teenage rebelious years and i couldn't get along with him i stoped calling him dad, and called him by his name. I know that hurt him because he started complaining about it, thats when i told them how i felt. that experience has changed me (not affected me) , so you shouldn't play favorites or at least try not to. you wouldn't want your wife to throw in your face that you are treating her son different. If the child lives with you than he becomes your child also. your wife will always love her kids in a diferent way than she loves you!! dont turture her by making her choose between your love and the love for her babies cause you will loose the battle and some.


Just an FYI - December 9

Almost every mother I knows loves her kids more than her husband. Both my kids belong to my husband and I will tell you that I love them all more than anything. But as much as I love my hubby, our kids will always come first to me. Your wife will love this child just as much as her other. You should treat both kids as equally as possible.


j - December 9

Sounds like she is worrying about the same things you are. I would talk to her about her fears and share yours with her. (Your son calling you by your first name, etc) and work it out together. As far as her holding her first in a higher place, well... My girlfriend admitted that she has a bond with her first son by her first husband that can't compare to anything else because they have been through a lot together (he was abusive). Her and her now husband have had a girl. She is very happy about the different s_x so she wouldn't feel guilty. Mothers will love their children - no doubt about it, but weather they want to admit it or not, they have favorites - especially if you go through a difficult time and come out of it great with one of them, you're going to have more feelings for one over the other. But talk to her...


Jaime - December 20

I have a 7 year old boy by my x.Me and my husband have been together for 2 years,and are expecting in March.I know he cares very much about my son,but have fears he will treat his blood son different.I can only hope I am wrong.I do understand what he must be feeling,because my x had 2 daughters by his x.I some what liked the kids but they were kinda brats.We had our son and I did treat him different.I never let him know that I only liked not loved his daughters.So to be honest as long as you(and my husband) try to be nice and are there for you'r step son that is as much as anyone can ask for.As far as your baby calling you your first name,that wont happen.I understand the way you feel.


Mom2 - January 19

my husband and i have had many conversations about the feelings that come with a new baby. We both accnawlage that my first son has a special part of my heart because of the things we have gone through but i can a__sure you that my love for my second son is just as strong...they are both my boys! Let me add that moms love our husbands as much as we love our kids! you play a vital role in our lives and with out my husband i wouldnt be the mom and woman i am today. You will feel new and exciting fellings with your new baby and its natural especially if this is your first pregnancy and birth experience it creates bonds that are amazing! But as my husband will testify it dosent mean that you will love ither one more than the they grow you will find diffrent experences with both that cause diffrent types of bonding (even if they were both yours biologicly) but diffrent bonding and memories dosent mean diffrent levals of love just diffrent kids. Most importantly you just have to keep a good communication with your wife and about the diffrent name calling my son calls me honey because his dad calls me honey so dont feel sad if he picks up on your first name or others for that matter they all go back to dad eventuly ..or mom in my case:) good luck with your family and god bless.


kris A. - January 20

Mom's always love their children differently than their husbands - we should, they are completely and utterly dependent upon us - our love is - as someone else said - all emcompa__sing and blinding. Every true mom would step in front of a bus for our kids. It doesn't mean we dont love our husbands - there is respect and companionship and grat_tude for a full and healthy life. To be treated, or loved, like a child would be unhealthy and smothering to any healthy man. I am sure you will feel differently about your biological child, and you shouldn't feel bad about that - my hubby does. She's still a newborn ( 7 weeks) and the older girls (15, 13 and 13) from my previous relationship understand that, but he treats them with love and kindness and humor, and they love him back. And love their dad, and me. The more the merrier in their opinion. And I agree, call the 7 year old our son - I hated when my hubby called the girls "your girls" - it offended me and I told him so. He weeded that out and now it never comes up. Best of Luck - you'll do just fine!



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