Completely OT Do You Think This Is Selfish

9 Replies
Mellissa - January 15

Ok, I understand this has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with children, but I need opinions from other women here. My hubby and I have been happily married for 4 years as of Dec. 31st. Not to sound mean, but we seriously have the best marriage out of everyone we know. We get along great, we love and support each other in everything we do, etc. There is only one problem: our wedding. I'm just so NOT satisfied with the WAY we got married. See, we were talking about getting married, then we found out I was pregnant, and his parents convinced us to get married sooner than we planned. I wanted to wait a few more months until we had enough money to at least throw a tiny party or something. But his mom was terrified he was going to get shipped off to Iraq before we could get married, leaving me and the baby without a means of support. I tried explaining to her that the baby would get military benefits even if we weren't married, but they are not familiar with the Army at all, and didn't understand anything I was saying. lol. DH was perfectly fine with getting married RIGHT THEN and practically begged me to do it. So with only two days' notice I tried to get as many of my friends and family together and ended up with 13 people at the JOP office in town. We said that since we didn't have the money to have the wedding I wanted (every girl has a dream wedding, right?), we would renew our vows on our 5th wedding anniversary and go all out. Well, here we are, how time does fly! 11 months until our 5th anniversary and when I bring up renewing our vows DH kinda shrugs it off like it's not that big of a deal. But in my mind, I feel like I have so much planning to do. Where will we do it (our family is spread out, and my main reasoning for this is to have as many of them present when we do it), how will we get everyone together, the ceremony, the reception, etc.. just like planning a regular wedding, right? You need TIME. Is it selfish of me to keep bringing it up? Should I take my husband's actions to mean that he DOESN'T want to renew our vows? In the back of my mind I feel like we're already married, why spend the money and all... but I really wanted my family there, and even now, 4 years later, I cringe watching my wedding video. I so wanted to have the pretty dress and the cake and all that. I never imagined I'd wear jeans when I got married! I don't want a GIANT wedding, but something nice. Anyhow... what would ya'll do in my place? Ask hubby to marry me again, or just let it go? Thanks in advance!!!


ash2 - January 15

I think it is a great idea. A weddin is a womens " Dream day " and every girl should have a chance to shine in the way they want too. I too want to renew our marriage vows on maybe our 10 year anniversary. We got married almost 6 years ago and it was a beautiful wedding with 250 people, but their are alot of things i wish i had changed...We have kids now and i want them to be involved. However, you have a perfect excuse to have another one !


ssmith - January 15

I think I would sit hubby down and really tell him exactly how you feel and why this is SO important to you. If this is really what you want and need to feel a sense of peace and contentment.....then I would fight for it. I'm sure once he realizes just how much this means to you, your hubby will see things differently. Hopefully!


CyndiG - January 15

Mellissa, I know exactly how you feel. The only difference is I had the wedding. It was a DISASTER! I wore a borrowed dress and veil, my MIL snubbed me the whole day, my pictures are awful because the photographer took 196 pictures on one roll of film! We had to redo every one. Talk about faked! I missed my reception because of it. Our car was trashed! Our luggage was trashed, we went home to change and clean up the car and luggage, which made us leave for our honeymoon hours later than we wanted, my husband forgot his new wedding band at home because it had vaseline all in it (from the car!) It was AWFUL! It was a terrible terrible day! And when we were coming up on our 5th and again on the 10th anniversary I wanted to do the same thing. Just do it all over and get it right this time. My dh was just like yours. So I dropped it. Instead, after our 10th anniversary, we started going away together every year for at least one night, and usually two. That has done amazing things for us, and our marriage (which was great too!), but it's even better because of that. And it's made that day special. Now I actually look back on it fondly. I laugh about it now. And I can always win the "my wedding was worse than yours" battle. :O} BTW, on Feb 13, I will be married 14 years. The further we go in life, and marriage, the less the way that day went matters. It was one of the three most special days of my life. The other two are the days my babies were born. Good luck on your decision.


LisaB - January 15

Can you afford to do a big wedding? If so talk to your husband and see waht he thinks alot of guys could really careless maybe if you just telling him he has to show and thats it he may be more into it. My wedding was amazing but nothing went as planned- we were in Mexico and supposed to get married on the beach it was one of the hottest days on record so we got married overlooking the ocean instead my sister who was my maid of honor got deathly ill the day of and we had to call a doctor to her room so another friend stepped in as my maid of honor then the photographers camera broke so we didn't get any black and whites not a huge deal as we were able to get regular pictures until she got tipsy and started amking out with one of friends and dissappear so no it wasn't my perfect wedding but it was our wedding and I wouldn't trade them memories for anything- its pretty funny at this point. However I do understand you wanting a dress and a party to celebrate your love for each other so again if you can afford it have at it.


bbelmore - January 15

DH proposed to me 3 months before I got pregnant with James... we had planned ourselves to get married in may of the next year ( a month after James was born), but my mother took it upon herself to plan our wedding for us--in November. I was 5 months pregnant when I got married, and though it was beautiful and my mom did a great job, we didn't have more than 3 weeks to let DH's family know, and they live 1500 kms away...none of his family were able to come. A few of his friends flew in, but it was not what he wanted. Anyway...we plan to throw our own party in the future where we would renew or vows etc...I don't think it's selfish, I think it's an opportunity to celebrate love with all of the people who you love and love you. I bet he'll get more excited about it as the date approaches.


Kara H. - January 15

I think on some Karma level, it is a trade off. Most of the beautiful huge weddings I have been to are already divorced or have one of those "socialite" relationships where the husband does what he pleases, and the wife looks the other way so she can keep living her "perfect" family life. On the flip side, most of the hurried or small weddings I have been to are still going strong. My parents are one example, so are my aunt and uncle who are celebrating their 40th anniversary. I think its so important not to miss the forrest for the trees. You have a great marriage which is more than most couples have. With that said, I think renewing vows is a great idea, but the focus should be on reaffirming your love for your husband, not the dress and the cake. (that doesn't mean you shouldn't have a fabulous dress and cake, though!) Why don't you plan a 15 anniversary trip somewhere like jamacia or virgin islands, and surprize your hubby with a renewal ceramony planned on the beach with the flowers, cake and dress. That way it can be something he can look forward to as well, since men could care less about formal church ceramonies and all the fluff that surrounds them.


lexa - January 15

I'm not going to read any posts, but just give my opinion. My dh and I did the same thing. We ran off to VA to get married (8 years ago) and said the same thing as you...we will have a "wedding" and renew our vows in 5 years. As I said, we will be celbrating our 8th year in one month. It never happened. I really wish we would've done it right the first time! It saddens me a lot to this day. The reason dad had a ma__sive stroke a few years ago and he is paralyzed/wheelchair bound and is unable to walk down the aisle now. I feel if I would've done it right the first time, it wouldve been "perfect". But I'm actually past that now. I say if you really want to do it, then do it. Don't regret it! Good luck!


Kara H. - January 15

Sorry! I meant 5th anniversay trip, not 15th! Yikes. Thats really far away!


Mellissa - January 15

Thanks everyone for your answers!!! at least I know I'm not the only one who didn't have the "perfect" wedding. I totally agree with you kara, almost all of our friends who had big weddings are either divorced or miserable! Like i said, we are very happily married. It's sad though because I really did want all of my family and friends to be there. The only family I had at my wedding was my sister and her 4 small children. The rest were my best friend's family, but she wasn't even there! she couldn't get time off work on such short notice. I would have liked my husband's family there too, but like I said, he asked me to marry him 2 days before we did that was not enough notice to get plane tickets and stuff. I would like to do it before he gets sent back to Iraq again, which hopefully won't be for the next 3 year years. But maybe if he doesn't want to do it this year (we do have a lot going on), then we can think about doing it at 10 years. cyndiG, I really like your idea about going away every year... that sounds like fun! thanks again everyone! i think I'll talk to him today. I just don't want to nag him about it and turn him off to the idea completely!



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