Dh Issues

28 Replies
erenimi - June 22

My hubby and me just got married before the baby was born. He has been getting meaner and meaner to me, and i'm not sure what i should do. I thought at first it was because he hadn't had a job since January, but now he has a good job and its still getting worse. About two weeks ago he started trying to start something, and i told him i wasn't going to fight with him. He kept pushing it and pushing it. He told me he could sleep with any of my friends if he wanted to, and when i asked him about it later he explained that he just wanted me to know i wasn't the only girl in the world. He also told me i was the stupidest person he had ever met, and later said that he stood by everything he had said. He said something about getting rid of the cats and when i said no he said "You wait, you'll come home one day and they'll be gone." I told him if they were gone i would be gone, not chosing the cats over him, but choosing not to be with someone who would do something like that. So he picked up my kitten and chucked her out the back door. Thank god she's scared of the out doors and i caught her easy. Anyways, i stuck with what i had said and started packing. Somehow it ended up with me staying. For fathers day i got him an ipod, and he told me monday i could "take my ipod and shove it up my ass." Now, if all that isn't bad enough, he has a new thing. All of a sudden he thinks its really funny to pretend to choke me, or pretend to hit me. He has also lost the ability to take no for an answer, witch is also a problem i had when i was pregnant. The problem is, i do love him, and when he is good he is really good. We have really not been married very long, and i don't know if i just need to give it more time? We were seeing a Psycologist about it, but he decided not to go anymore. It helped me a little, but he felt like the doctor was saying everything was his fault and so he didn't want to go anymore. I don't make enough money to support myself and the baby. I just don't know what i should do. I thought maybe you ladies could give me some advice. I know its not about baby, but i figure its worth a try.


bean - June 22

ohmigod Erenimi - when I was reading this I was thinking I really hope it's a joke. But it doesn't sound like it. I can't believe he would pretend to choke you. Honey, you gotta get out NOW! This is SERIOUS. It sounds like one step away from something very dangerous. Think of your baby! What if in one of his crazy moods he hurts your child? Please - go stay with your family or a friend or anyone you can. If you truly love him, you should be able to see that he needs some serious help - more than just a shrink for your marriage. Please get out for your safety and the safety of your little one. Best of luck!


Tillie - June 22

Yikes, I have to agree with Bean. That is NOT normal behavior; you might remind him that there's nothing *funny* about pretending to hurt you, or hurt your animals. He sounds extremely angry and potentially volatile. Even if you love him, you have to think of the health and safety of you and your baby. Those are really terrible things he said to you--exactly what a new, hardworking mother DOESN'T need to hear. Even though it's sad and of course incredibly hard, I would go stay with family for a while and tell him to go get help. Anger management group? Psychiatrist? He obviously has some emotional issues he needs to work out before he can be any sort of husband or father for you and your baby. Good luck--I really hope everything goes ok for you.


JAI - June 22

I see you said you just were married before the baby was born, but can I ask how long were you together before? Is this a sudden behaviour change or did you not know him long enough? I feel really badly for you, and NOBODY deserves to be treated that way. I think you need to sit down with him and try to see why he is being like this towards you. Ask him straight out...Do you not want to be with me? If he says he does then I suggest you try counselling together, at least then you know you have tried all your avenues. I wish you luck. Just remember do not take the verbal abuse and DO NOT let him lay a hand on you.


Annette - June 22

Sweetie, I am sad to read what you are going through but that has a name and it's call domestic violence, even if he has never hit or even pushed you. This is VERY serious, one day he is going to take the funny choking part too far or hurt someone, even if its "only" your cat. I know you probably love him, but I won't suggest now to worry about finding help for him right now, especially because he doesn't believe in what the therapy can do for him. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. PLEASE, put yourself and your baby safe. If you stay with your parents or relatives talk to them and ask them to help you in case he comes for you: it is very easy to get convinced to get back to him if you love him and he sounds convincing enough. Don't warn him you are leaving and try not to be alone too much. I don't want to scare you, but until you are sure what he is capable of doing, there is not too much precaution. Good luck, hon, and God bless you.


erenimi - June 22

We were together for about a year when we got married. He was never like this to me untill i had my daughter. I got mad at him because he didn't have a job and he still didn't help with the baby. For the first month i was the only one who got up with her at night, and she is formula fed. The worst thing was when he told me he was going to kill the cats. I told him that if he did he would never see his daughter again, and he said he didn't care. But i do love him, and its not like its an everyday thing. I know i probly should leave him. Its so hard.


Rabbits07 - June 22

Mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. I'm not one to be quick to tell women to leave their husbands, but I think you would be better off without him. He will never change if he will not admit that he has a problem...which he obviously isn't going to do since he quit therapy when he realized the doc wasn't on his side. You mentioned that he started being this way after the birth of your daughter and that when you threatened him with not seeing her, he said he didn't care.....that is not a good atmosphere for your daughter to be in. Shamefully, there are just too many parents in this world who just aren't any good at it. Sometimes therapy can help, but the person has to realize that they have a problem and want to change. And I fear that the 'pretending' to choke and hit you will turn into the real thing. Obviously, you love him or you wouldn't have had a child with him and married him, but you have a baby now that is relying on you 100% for everything she needs. I don't know if you are located in the US, but most states have govt. a__sistance programs to help you until you can get back on your feet. Many areas also have homes for women & children of domestic violence. I urge you to seek some kind of help and get out of this relationship. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but I guarantee that within the year you will see how much better life can be without this man. Good luck.


Annette - June 22

Check this link, PLEASE: http://www.womenslaw.org/more_info.htm#ami


jessb - June 22

erenimi, I work in child protection. We deal with domestic violence all the time. Please, please, get out of this or get some help ASAP. Get out before you or the baby get hurt. There has to be domestic violence shelters and support groups you can go to. Call your local social services center. Please dont let him treat you like this. Animal cruelty is also one of our risk factors that indicate abuse. He sounds like he is unstable and violent. Please let me know how it goes. As the mother you are expected to be protective of your child. If you continue to stay in the relationship if could effect your child negatively. Gosh, I feel like I am at work, I deal with this everyday.


Mommy - June 22

You should leave him. If he acts like he doesn't love you, he doesn't love your baby, he doesn't deserve to be a part of your family. If he is acting like this now it will only get worse. They say love is blind, please try to open your eyes and see him for what he is. The rose colored gla__ses will not help when he hurts you or your baby really bad one day. Good luck and please make the safest decision.


melissa g. - June 22

sweetie, this is cla__sic, textbook abusive behavior -- sweet and wonderful sometimes and then, REALLY bad. You must leave, I sat with my mouth open while reading your post. Do you mind me asking how old you are? Can you move in with your family? If not, some friends? You DO NOT need to give it more time to see if things will improve, the fact that he would act that way EVER is bad bad bad. Not picking up his clothes would be one thing but this is abuse, plain and simple, and abusers rarely change b/c they tend to blame the victim. The fact that he left therapy also bodes very ill for the relationship. Not all men act this way, it is not ok for anyone to act the way he has EVER. You owe it to your daughter to get out before she is old enough to understand the violence around her and really be hurt by it. And verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse.


emilysmommy - June 23

I can promise you it won't get better. It will get worse. You must get out or someone WILL be hurt. It's just a matter of time. If you have family turn to them. You really have no other choice.


Meredith - June 23

Oh, that is scary. Get out, you do not want to live your life like that. Set a good example for your daughter...she needs at least one good role model. Those are really hateful things he said. If my husband told me he could sleep with any of my friends and then told me that he said it bc he did not want me to think I was the only girl in the world?? Okay, first, my husband SHOULD think I am the only girl in the world...and should NOT even think of sleeping with my friends even if he decided I wasnt...it is about RESPECT and this guy has none. May I ask exactly how he "pretends" to hit or choke you?


Jamie - June 23

Yeah, I'm with the others - get out while you still can.


Bonnie - June 23

Agreed. I am so sorry you are going through this. Please get out now for both you and your daughter. :(....((((HUGS)))


jas - June 23

There are shelters and programs everywhere you can use - just get out. Besides, you said he was not working and you don't make enough to support you and the baby so why stay? Get out and get on a program.


Ginny - June 23

I agree with everyone else, but I have one more piece of advice. Try to pack up and leave at a time when he isn't there, and make a clean break. This will keep him from either talking you into staying or b__wing up and hurting you. Good luck with everything and let us know how it turns out.



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