For Stay Home Moms And Working Moms

13 Replies
arden222 - November 12

i was wondering if i can get advice from everyone on this matter. i am a stay home mom and i have a working mom friend, who i absolutely used to adore and wanted to pursue and good friendship with. but for the past few months, when we hang out, all she does is rag on stay at home moms. how they seem to be well off enough to stay home, but really they are all poor.... especially if they are renting instead of owning a home. she constantly repeats this point and then talks about how stay home moms aren't as good of moms since they are usually uninterested & sick of their kid from being with them all day, whereas working moms are happy to spend time and take care of their kids and appreciate them more & are better moms. just constantly ragging on who has money and who doesn't and ragging on stay home moms & always making it clear on how rich her and her husband is and how they have money but want people to think they are poor that is why they don't buy nice things. and by the way, the house they own was inherited by her husband when his grandmother died so i don't know what the big deal is as to this owning a home versus renting & how it defines your status and why does it even matter so much? so for a long time i let it slide and thought maybe she is just feeling insecure, but lately all of her arrogant talk is just boring and annoying and starting to make me angry. so i made it clear to her that stay home moms does not mean we are pathetic and just because you talk like you have money doesn't mean you really do. i can honestly say that i have not said anything spiteful or mean to her and have been very genuine in our friendship, even our husbands get along very well, but her husband every now and then has to talk like they are filthy rich when really i think they are bluffing to hide their insecurities. the wife has been nosy - ing around a lot lately trying to figure out how much money we have and getting annoyed that we have a few nice things. we go shopping and she gets annoyed if i spend more than 50 - 100 bucks on a sweater or a dress and says how poor people are the ones who will buy nicer things to cover up being poor. which is none of her business! if she is so rich then why is she on my case about how and where we spend our money? so my question is this... i don't have any sisters or ever really had a lot of girlfriends, so maybe you all can shed some light for me. I do not flaunt in front of her, i dress very properly, i am a very polite person, but is it possible that she is jealous of me even though i am genuine to her? my mom suggested that jealousy could be the root of the problem here and that my friend feels inadequate and that is why she is projecting by talking herself up and indirectly putting me & my family down, but if she is so rich, why be jealous of me and my average family? we are not rich, we are very average, we rent an apartment, my hubby works and i stay home. i have no clue how to deal with this friend and really just wanting to end the friendship, but she lives in our neighborhood and we feel weird about not being friends with them yet bumping into them all the time. which is another thing i could use advice on. i feel she is always looking out the window and spying on us. she knows when we aren't home and will ask us where we went and then she remembers certain outfits that i wear even when i wasn't hanging out with her that day. so i am thinking she is always looking at us and it is starting to creep me out! i forgot to mention another thing too, they only have one child and me and my hubby want to have another one soon. she has been wanting #2 but her hubby refuses. i know she was sad about it, but then she turns around and acts like families that have more than 1 child will just be too poor to provide for them everything they need. she also says that people that send their kids to private school ( which is what we are planning to do ) are just covering up the fact that they, once again, are poor so she says that is why her dear son will be going to public school so he doesn't grow up being snobby because he is rich! urgghh, can anyone understand my aggravation?


sarah21 - November 12

Your friend is really offensive to me. I am a SAHM and I ADORE my baby girl. She is 7 months old. Every now and then I need a little break but she is b___stfed and refuses a bottle so I don't get out for long. But I don't need long. 30 minutes to an hour at the grocery store alone and I'm aching to get back to her. I love it! We have fun most of the day all by ourselves singing songs and everything. I don't know what I would do if my friend were saying all those things except to tell her that she really offends you and that it bothers you when she says those things. Chances are, if she is the kind of person she seems to be, that will probably offend her enough that she might break it off with you and spare you the awkwardness. I think your mom is dead on with her a___lysis. I know most moms would adore being a SAHM but most can't afford to in today's economy. It's a hard job but so rewarding!


ChattyKathy - November 12

I am a SAHM, too, and while I could really use a break now and then (honestly, who doesn't? Its a 24 hour job!) I love it and I love my son. How could anyone do so much work all day and all night unless they really did love it? It sounds to me like her issues aren't really with you. She seems like she's really unhappy with her situation and she's trying to justify her life by saying that if it were any other way it'd be bad. I can imagine that it must be pretty aggrivating, but you sound like you have a good and satisfying life, a good husband, a happy home. Just ignore her comments, because really, I think she wishes she could have that.


arden222 - November 13

hey sarah and chatty kathy, thanks for helping me feel better. I reread my long.. post and i can't believe how much i let this person get to me. i can't believe that she actually had me doubting myself ... whether or not i am a good mom and had me thinking that i am pathetic for not having a career or owning a home. i went over to her house, after she had invited me, and when i saw her 3 year old son standing there screaming at us insisting us to get out of his house & watched her do nothing about it, but have her husband take her son outside to go for a walk so I could stay and hang out with her, it made me realize that, yeh I may not have a paid job to power trip over, but at least i am raising my child well and he is not going to end up like her 3 year old. this kid walks all over his parents and gets away with it, yet they seem oblivious to how they are hurting him by spoiling him. this boy would push my 10 mth old infant flat on his face and his parents will give him empty threats, and he just ends up doing it again and again. now he won't even let my son and me in his house & they don't know how to correct his unruly behavior. this right there should have been enough for me to see, that this family is not worth pursuing a friendship with. but i guess i was just being hopeful of making a new good friend. oh well, i went stupid with this one! thanks for listening!


Malica - November 13

Their 3 year old won't let you in the house and they actually let him dictate who's allowed or not allowed in the house? That's nuts. As for her att_tude towards money, it sounds like they might not be as stable themselves and are worried that a recession would cost one or both of them their jobs. Since many keep pointing fingers to the high personal debt of families as one of the contributing factors, those who have felt they have been financially responsible are growing resentful of those who are not, as your employer isn't going to ask if you contributed to the problem with high personal debt when the layoffs come down. I have to admit that I can understand this frustration as it seems like basic economics that you don't spend money that you don't have. Sounds like she might also be trying to bolster herself up so she can feel better than SAHMs who are having more success at raising a mannered and happy child. Do you think she even realizes that what she's saying could look like an attack on you? Next time she says something along those lines call her out on it. Tell her that it sounds more like a comment directed at you than a general statement. If it were me I'm not sure how much I would care if I even did it tactfully. The way she is right now is certainly someone I wouldn't want to be a friend with. Some people try to surround themselves with people they care about and people who care about them to make them feel good. Others feel better by trying to surround themselves with people who are miserable and they feel superior. Sounds like you might have one of the later on your hands. If so, don't feel bad about distancing yourself. "Friends" like that only weigh you down in life.


gabby509 - November 13

Hey, I have a 5 month old son and I am also a nanny, so I get to take him with me to work, so I kind of see both sides, the SAHM mom side and the working mom side. And I must say that the working mom side of me feels incredibly guilty when I am taking care of the other baby I watch and my son is seeing this. I notice myself overcompensating with him later to get rid of my guilt, and it sounds like this woman is spoiling her child because she feels he is lacking attention from her because of her job. I think that's the main problem with working moms, although I can't speak for everyone, just myself. And my situation is different because my son is with me all day. But this woman sounds like she is insecure with her life and trying to put you down so she can feel better about her situation. She seems to be jealous of SAHM's. I hate to sound like a bada__s but I'd have to let her know about herself, and make sure she realizes that she is making herself look like an a__s. And you should be proud that your son is nothing like hers, it sounds like his parents are setting him up for a hard road ahead.


gabbysally - November 13

holy c___p that sounds like such an annoying friend and a really mean person!! she is TOTALLY jealous of you!! hell, I'm a little jealous :) I want to stay home with my baby so bad! but that's besides the point :) she's totally insecure, obviously would love to stay home with her baby but probably can't financially and she sounds like the kind of person who would try to make you feel bad and under her for having what she wants. I know it must be hard to cut her out, but try!! don't let her bring you down anymore, just be indifferent and try to ignore her as much as you can, and if you can't do that, you should tell her off! that's terrible that she outright say those things knowing that's the life you lead. be strong mamma and find a new friend :)


sashasmama - November 13

I honestly think there are two things going on here at the same time. First, she feels inadequate, and feels like she could do better and probably wishes she could be a stay at home mom. So instead of being open with her feelings she's trying to cover them up by saying all those things, I think that she keeps repeating herself because she's really just trying to convince HERSELF that what she's saying is true, and you just happen to be there to hear it all. She's really trying to make herself feel better by putting someone else down, it's human nature. Second, she IS jelaous of you, and this is where the relationships always go sour. The only way to get out of the situation is to have a heart to heart talk with her and try to get her to open up and really let you know what's been going on (she might be having some post partum hormonal/depression issues, I can see a few symptoms of that by what you said). If she opens up to you then she's a true friend, if she doesn't, then it's just best to stop talking to her and to keep it short, because once jelaousy exposes itself -- it'll stay that way, unless you can talk it out. I think this has NOTHING do to with you, she has a lot of her own issues and instead of dealing with them she's trying to supress her feelings by directing all the negativity on you. Basically, you can just take what she says, then turn it the opposite way, as in "oh, stay at home moms are sick of their kids" and what she's really saying is "I wish I could stay at home with my kid" and just remember that it doesn't have anything to do with you.


arden222 - November 13

the only part that threw me off was how she always swears that she could stay home if she wanted to (since they are supposedly filthy rich ), so if she could stay home and it was her choice to not, then why the bitterness for SAHM? my mother says that from her 67 yrs of life experience, she sure that this girl is lying about how much money they have and the truth is they don't have much but have to act like they do to feel superior. i'm sure that i am just naive on this topic, but i personally, don't feel the need to lie about stuff like that. i could care less what people think about my status. thanks everyone, I feel so much better and glad that i found this forum! Malica, that was a really good point you made about how Some people try to surround themselves with people they care about and people who care about them to make them feel good. Others feel better by trying to surround themselves with people who are miserable and they feel superior. i never thought of it like that, but that is true!


stefkay - November 14

omg, all I can say is that this "friend" is SCREAMING jealousy. It's like she has a neon jealousy sign plastered to her forhead, lol! I know it's not funny, but seriously that's what all of this boils down to. It sounds like it has morphed into something bigger too....almost an obsession with your life. She's obviously not happy with hers and it does sound like she's trying to make herself look better, but its kind of backfiring. For your sanity, i'd say get out. Really, you need to do what makes you happy and not worry about how she will react if you run into her in a store. Be polite, say hi and you don't owe her any explanations. Unless you think she'll turn psycho and violent on you, I'd not worry about it. Good luck :)


countrymom - November 16

Sounds like a nutcase and an all round bad influence on your child and your sanity. Many times SAHM will have to swallow some annoying comments and her's definitely takes the 1st place prize. You would be perfectly justified to tell her you find her opinions insulting and would prefer to just end the friendhsip. As a SAHM, I find it's common to hear some annoying comments.Most people that hear you are SAHM will say "oh it's good if you can do it." Or "you're fortunate you can do it." I've grown really tiired of hearing that. We do it because we are commiitted to personally raising our dd. It means we dig deep every month, live within in our means and that means it's tight, especially now. Join a local moms meet up for some other like minded moms and let this one go. And while I need a break every once in a while, I LOVE being with my dd and can't wait for her to wake up everyday...ok, as long as it's after 6:30am.


tish212 - November 17

I must agree that your friend is offending. I also am a SAHM, and yes we have nice things, and no we aren't super rich...but we budget well enough that yes I can stay home and we can still live good lives. To "a__sume" that a group of people is one certian way is stereotyping and just plain wrong, it is sad that she is so iggnorant to the way the *real* world works If this person offends you in this manner, and has you upset by their actions then they are no kind of friend of yours. And digging around in your business to find out how much money you have, or having an opinion on how much you make, its just wrong, and NOT what a friend would do. I would say your best bet is to cut your ties with this woman, people like her are draining to your mental wellbeing. It is upsetting though that she thinks that us sahm don't value our children, my daughter IS the reason I stay at home, she is my world and that is why i want to stay home, so that i can spend every single minute with her or near her. If i didnt want to do this I could easily get a job, but this is my job, being here for her, now and later when she is older. I am not saying anything bad against working moms either each person makes their own choice, and that makes them no better or no worse than anyone else, Your friend lives in a tunnel and a shallow world, and there is no way to get her to open her eyes, so don't waste your time on it. You are better off without her. And as for them not doing anything about their child hurting your child, it is in your childs best interest and safety to stay away from her and her child, besides that thing called bad influence came from somewhere, you wouldn't want your baby t learn to be like that to others. UGGG if i were you and her child did that to mine, i would surely say something, but i was never good at biting my tongue, good luck


fefer1 - November 17

wow - no offense, but she sounds like a piece of work! How pathetic to rag on people like that - especially knowing you're a SAHM. I have two kids - 26 months and 5 months old - and it is HARD some days, yes I complain, yes I miss work - and NO I'm not poor because I stay at home. How ridiculous! Who cares how much money you have anyways? I don't see how that makes any difference in raising kids. How can anyone say you are lesser of a mom for staying at home? I'm offended by her and I don't know her? Seriously, what more important job is out there than taking care of your kids??? And I'm not saying anyone is a bad mom for working either - just that your kids are number one and if you chose to stay home with them it's a job in itself. I agree, she sounds jealous, insecure and overall unhappy. Poor thing.


arden222 - November 17

i ended up canceling the thanksgiving plans we had with them, and when the arrogant look fell off her face i can tell she realized that this was my way of ending the friendship and she hasn't bothered me since. my hubby thinks that as a woman most of us over a___lyze and take things too personally, but i don't care, i'm sick of being indirectly put down and quite frankly as much as i know they like to hang out with us & my husband because we always make them laugh, she is not just disrespecting me, but putting down my husband as a provider whether she realizes or not & it is unacceptable. my only problem is i am so non confrontational that i could not tell her directly that she is a jerk & why i won't be coming around anymore. plus it is more because i don't want her to think that her comments got to me since maybe that was her intention. i feel that would only give her satisfaction that i am so bothered that i ended the friendship, & even if i gave her a chance to explain it would just have me doubting myself and i'm sure she will BS me. considering that she has ragged on one of her best girlfriends i don't think she is worth keeping altogether. anyways, i just want to say that i admire you all for seeming to have the strength to be able to deal with someone like this face to face. i am not a coward, i stand up for myself as tactfully as i can without being mean, but for some reason i just avoid people like that instead of being able to directly tell them where to go. maybe it is something i should work on. thanks again everyone. love this forum!



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