Help With Meddling MIL Please Sorry So Long

6 Replies
punkin01 - June 10

hey guys i really need some advice from you ladies and other moms ...maybe you have been in similiar situations or can offer some help i wish my own mother was still around to help me MIL is very nosey in mine and my DH business she acts like we are teenagers that just got married and had a child he is 36 and i am almost 35 i have a 16 yr old son from another marriage and my DH never married until me (and that was over 2 years ago) and no kids until last Nov when the most wonderful baby girl entered our world since then my MIL is a terror she makes comments that her son wasn't able to have kids (due to a Dr. telling her this becuse he was 4lbs at birth) like he is not her father which is BS.....then she makes comments about the way i dress her that she is not warm enough or cool enough ..... not thick enough blanket (when it was winter) ....that i dont put powder on her EVERY diaper change like our parents did us .......then the other day she was holding her and she had a magizine next to her and my DH picked it up and was "playing" with it which is fine as long as an adult was sitting right there watching her which her "grandmother" was holding her in her lap i even mentioned dont let her get the paper in her mouth she just glared at me a few minutes we (DH and myself) was called to kitchen to fix our plates she waved us on she had baby girl when i returned she had the magizine ripped and a wad of paper in her mouth the size of a gum ball i went off and so did bro-in-law DH just stool there trying to get paper out of her mouth scared to death she was going to choke i was multi-tasking yelling and digging the paper out ..... she just sat ther dumb founded and said" i didnt know she would do that " i yelled back i told you and so did bro in law....AND once we were talking about washing up her carrier/carseat and packing it away for the next addition to our family and i thought she was going to stroke by the look on her face then she replied "yall aren't going to do this to me agagin are yall?" and looked like she was very disappointed ......what exactly did we do to you i was the one that carried her for 9 months and had 58 staples in my gut for her then my DH spoke up and said yeah i was the one with morning sickness and gained the weight and took care of my DW through the 9 months and the last few with insulin shots and not able to eat everything she craved to get my beatiful daughter what did you go through and she just sat there and shook her head......basically i cannot diaper feed clothe bathe or anything like that right in her eyes and DH just ignores her or will ask me do we need to do this or that (because he is a first time dad) but usually his response is she raised "Taylor" and he is 16 and healthy she knows what she is doing and goes on do i tell her to butt out w/o being rude the only time i have said anything is with the paper but that could have hurt her and i was raised not to be rude but i am at my end and something has to be done sorry this is so long but i need advice


SonyaM - June 10

You poor thing. My MIL isn't bad so I can't relate to that part. I would say just limit your time with her and I wouldn't say anything to her unless it is a safety issue. I think she is enjoying getting a rise out of you and if you just go about your business she MIGHT eventually give up. My SIL's try to make me feel like a fool regarding raising my boys. They like to point out anything I do that they don't think is right and they like to pretend in public that my baby is their's. It's so silly. Good luck to you.


Rabbits07 - June 10

Yikes! My dh's sister has a MIL that sounds about like yours...but there are no children involved so she just stays away from her. I know that is about impossible when there are children/grandchildren. The only thing I can think of to do is for you and DH to set down alone with her and explain that you both love her and want her in your lives, but a few changes are going to have to be made. That can be done nicely. I actually had to have a 'talk' with my mom this evening. We are of different faiths and the last time my dd stayed with her she heard my mom having a conversation with one of her friends about how she doesn't think we are right....etc. I just started it out with..."Mom, I love you and I'm not mad, but....(yada.yada.yada)." Not trying to make focus on my deal, but just trying to give an example. I would explain to her that many years have gone by and many, many things have changed since she was a parent, and that while you appreciate her concern for her grandaughter that you prefer she keep her advice to herself unless asked for. As for the rude comments she makes about insinuating dh isn't the dad of baby and scoffing at the thought of you having another be honest I really can't think of a really NICE way to nip that in the bud. Perhaps just tell her that her insinuations and rude remarks are hurtful and ask why she feels that way? She may not have a good answer for it and it may make her uncomfortable enough to stop doing it! Hope I helped some...maybe others who've BTDT can help more.


mama3 - June 10

I agree with what SonyaM said. Its hard with a MIL like that. I'm thankful my soon to be ex-husbands bio-mother didnt like me,lol. She only came by twicw. The first time she told him that she wasnt his baby cause she didnt have his eye color!! I couldnt believe she said that. An he just sat there and didnt say a word. She doesnt want anything to do with her 2 grand-daughters and that is ok by me. His step-mom on the other hand is wonderful. I talk to her and his dad all the time. I really wish I could tell you something. Have your tryed sitting down with her and talking to her. Exspress your feeling about how she treats you and acts? Maybe that might help, even if for a little while. If not then she really just might bot even be worth your time. Just b__w off what she says like you hubby said. Yes it is hard when they make comments. I so wanted to wrip my MIL's head off a few times while I was PG with our first. But I knew I was brought up better than her, lol. You sound like a very sweat women and I know you will find a way to deal with her. Best of luck to you and your family.


punkin01 - June 10

thanks so much guys the "sit down and chat " will have to take place soon..... i have often wondered if she is saying these things to get me and hubby fighting because when he lived at home with her he was paying all of the bills and she had her money to b__w now she has to pay them all because bro-in-law is too lazy to work ......any way sonya you brought up something about the relatives that pretend that your baby is theirs in public i have a friend that does that now drives me crazy .....not on the same level as my MIL but a funnier level she will answer people in public like DD is hers such as how old is she and what is her name and stuff like that and pushes the buggy in walmart and so on me and my husband just laugh about it though because it is so funny especially when people ask something she may not know and she has to look to me then she is so busted


Annette - June 11

If you "sit down and talk" be aware that with people that take this " why are you doing this to me" att_tude, you are giving them the chance to be VICTIMS, so more than trying to make her understand, you need to be firm, like you would do with a little child. Not negotiating but "this is the way it is going to be". My MIL is a nice person but has the same habit of commenting on everything I do, she doesn´t say it is wrong, she just has this tone in her voice and compares me to her daughter: "X uses cloth diapers because they are better", "X b___stfed for 2 years because it is better", "X doesn´t cut her baby´s nails with scissors because it is bad for her". She had me so fed up that one day I said not mad but with firm voice and looking at her straight in the eye "Well, I am glad that worked for X but THIS is what I am going to do". She didn´t like it but didn´t say anything either. OH, and she has never said that my son is not my husband´s, but she remarks more than I consider necessary that my son doesn´t look like him at all, as if my son wasn´t worthy of being part of their family. Good for me, we live in different continents. I´d suggest, like Sonya said, limit your time with her and make deaf ears to her critizicing comments. If there´s something you don´t like, you don´t have to be rude, but be firm.


pbj - June 11

I don't have a problem with my MIL that extreme, but she can drive me nuts. I've been married for 7 years and always had a great relationship with my in-laws, but now that we have a baby it's a little strained. It seems that they're always watching and judging. My MIL had her last baby 32 years ago, much has changed in that time, but of course everything was better then. I have some funny examples: Friday my in-laws watched my dd for a few hours (I do trust them completely though), they purchased a car seat base so they could keep one in their own car for times when they need/want to transport her somewhere. So, when I went to pick her up I informed them that dd only had a few more pounds to go and I would have to purchase a new carseat. My FIL states "well I don't really see why as long as she fits in it!" I explained that it had a weight limit and after that the manufacturer claims that it may not protect baby in case of a crash. (obviously) He says "well we used to just place our kids on the seat or hold them in our lap". Are you frickin' kidding me? As if I'm spoiling her because I need to get her a new carseat. (let me state as well these are not poor people, not even close) MIL insisted they get her a walker (yes a regular old time walker), I agreed simply because their house doesn't have a lot a shelving and an area that's wide open. I just asked that they please not take an eye off her for a second. I stated that we could not have one at our home because a) it's a small house b) I have loads a baby stuff all over the place and c) we have things she could band into and something could fall on her head. So, what do they do? They insist that I take the cussed thing home with me. So, when they found out I hadn't put her in it in our home, they do the "oh well I guess we don't know how they do it now" pity party s*it. I guess I need to get a little tougher and just say "she's my dd, I know what I'm doing". I just think some MIL's (FIL's in my situation) have control issues and they're set in their ways. I say let her know whose child your daughter is, that you want her to be a huge presence in your baby's life, but that she needs to respect you and that your dd's welfare is your top priority. It's funny (but not really) how topics about MIL's pops up so much here. Good luck and sorry so long.



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