11 Replies
Kara H. - March 14

As some of you may remember, my hubby was going to be demoted, but ended finding a better job with a better company, and I am STILL incredible grateful that he found the new job. I don't want anyone to think that I am unappriciative of how lucky he was to find another job. However, with that said... At hubby's old job, he worked 60-80 hours a week AND commuted 1.5 hours each way. He was literally never home. It was hard in the beginning, but I found ways of getting the necessities done, but I could never keep up with the house like I would have liked to. This was a point of contention with hubby. He likes a spotless house, but didn't have time to help at all. I did everything. All the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, budgeting, bill paying, taxes, remembering his family's birthdays, attending his family functions for him... EVERYTHING! And yes, I did b*tch occasionally about it, but usually only when he started griping about what I wasn't getting done. I used to joke that I felt like I single mom, but I still had to put up with a husband. I thought that things would be so much better when he got his new job. He would be home a lot more, he would be able to help, and we would spend more time together. At first it was really nice when he started the new job. He was on 1st shift while training. He did come home and help out - even if it was just playing with the baby so I could to the things that needed two hands. Then, as he became more involved, he began to question the way I did things and started changing whatever he saw fit. At first it was little things like my system for cleaning bottles and sippy cups. Then he was getting the mail and throwing away whatever *HE* thought was junk. After that he was reorganizing all my drawers and cabinets in the kitchen. Last he rearranged Max's room, dresser drawers, and closet. I hated him changing the way I did things, but fine, he was helping so I bit my tounge and said nothing. The house was neat and I you would think he would be happy, but no, found new things to nit-pick about. The cats were tracking kitty litter on the floor, there were smudges on the mirrors, baby toys weren't put away the second Max was done with them. I swear he is borderline OCD! Now he has be moved to 3rd shift for the next 6 months to complete his training and it is the worst of both worlds. The golf course is now open, so he is either at work, at the golf course, or sleeping during the day and I have to tip toe around which makes any real cleaning impossible! I can't run the dishwasher, vacc_m cleaner or the washer and dryer or it will wake him up. So I have to do those things while he is gone, which means I have no help once again with the baby or I have to wait until he's gone and the baby is asleep and cut into my own sleep time. On top of that, he is not doing his "chores" but he sure notices what I didn't get done. And if that wasn't enough, because of everything he "reorganized" nothing is where I want it but I don't have the time to move it back. I could just SCREAM I am so frusterated/angry, but I can't do that or I will wake Mr 3rd Shift Sleeping Beauty!!!


Trac - March 14

I'm so sorry you are going thru sounds very frustrating. Have you tried talking to him? My husband and I have had some arguments regarding household responsibilities and I found that he responded much better to me being upset rather than mad. I was almost on the verge of tears one time and that really got his attention. (When I yelled, he just got defensive so I figured out that doesn't get us anywhere). You could even write your thoughts out on paper and give it to him that way so you can be clear in explaining your feelings. Be sure to tell him all the things you love about him along with the things that he is NOT doing to help around the house. Another thing that I have decided is that my kids will only be little once. I love a clean, organized house, but I've had to relax about it being PERFECT. My floor boards may be a little dusty but my kids will remember that mommy and daddy took time each day to play with them, read stories, and really enjoy the time with them. Also, is there a way you could ask a relative to watch the baby so you could have a few hours to clean and maybe take a shower and drink a nice hot cup of coffee and relax. It will do wonders for your sanity to be alone at home every now and then. Oh, and if your hubby can afford to play golf so often, maybe you could ask him how he would feel about hiring a housekeeper to come once a week just to help out?? You could even take baby to the park while someone else cleans for you. In my opinion, life is just too short to sweat the small stuff. And one more tip: leave hubby with the baby for 4 hours sometime on the weekend (baby shower, wedding shower, shopping, anything that gets you out of thte house for an extended amount of time) and ask him to do a few things (like 1 or 2 loads of laundry, do the dishes and clean out the fridge). When you come back I'll bet he will appreciate you more. It sometimes takes them dealing wtih baby to realize how hard it is. Good luck, I hope he listens to what you have to say!


mandee25 - March 14

Kara H, it really sucks tht you have to deal with this. I think it is unfair of your hubby to nitpick about the way you do things. At least they are getting done and that is the main thing. Trac has some great advice about leaving the baby with him on the weekend for a bit. He may change his tune when he actually sees what you have to deal with every single day. Men can be so blind sometimes. If my husband picked apart the way I did things he sure would be sorry!!!


Kara H. - March 14

We have talked about hiring a cleaning lady. We are waiting to see how the budget shakes down for this month to see if we can afford it. Yes, golf is incredibly expensive, but hubby saved up all year to pay for a season pa__s to the golf course. He didn't have a pa__s last year and we bumped heads often over the green fees. I think I may have screwed up by suggesting him getting the season pa__s. I didn't think thru the consaquences of it. Yes, we are not arguing about how much is cost for him to golf, but now he is going to be golfing so, so, soo much more than he has in previous years. Hubby does get really defensive if I bring up what he is not doing - I will see if I can work up some tears ;) It probably would freak him out since I am not cry-er, I am more of a pa__sive-aggressive/door slammer type. I wish he could get how insignificant the housecleaning is, compaired to Max's short time as a baby. *sigh* I think a lot of that comes from his own childhood and his parents not being around. And the had a spottless home, but were highly dysfuctional behind close doors and his mom seemed to hate her life as a pastor's wife/missionary. So when ever Chris and I fight about anything you can see this "must make clean!" switch flip in his head and he has to start tidying up while we are arguing. I think there are some unresoved "mommy" issues at play.


jacksonsmommy - March 14

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope you guys can work something out. I feel bad for you. How long have you been married and has he always been this way?


LisaB - March 14

I dont have any advise but I have been there- My dh had 8 weeks of job traing when ds was 4 months old and he was out of town Mon-Fri then would come home on the weekends and reorganize us I told him he was nuts and we could work out something when he was back home full time for my dh it was almost a loss of belonging so he felt the need to pick and change. Yuck I wish I had more to offer- I hope things get better soon!


Kara H. - March 14

We have been married for almost 9 years. We have been remodeling our house for a majority of that time so we only had the bare bones in the house and nothing could be done about all the sawdust and drywall mess, but yes he still griped some. Also I have always worked 40 hours+ up until we tried to have Max. I guess I was excused from being a "proper" housewife since I brought in $$$. Now that I only work 15 hours a week, my free pa__s is gone and I am supposed to live up to some 1950's housewife standard...


luviduvi - March 14

You know what really bothers me? I forgot to mention this b4, is the Sleeping Beauty part. Which btw, was funny. Why does he think your household is runs only by him? I guess you are a nicer person than I am----this has got me all p__sed of. Damn men! Hee hee


LisaB - March 14

Oh I forgot to mention that with babies and toddlers you are not supposed to clean up right after them they should be allowed to play with their toys move on to another one and then come back to the old toy. When they are down for their nap or bed then all toys should be picked up. The reason behind it is that you do not what your child to feel his playing is wrong ie you following him rearraging everything they are doing. Cabt for the life of me remember where I read this but found it interesting. I do maintain order during the day but I allow ds to leave his toys scattered. I'm sure it would drive your dh nuts as it does me (kinda a clean freak myself)


Kara H. - March 14

I think he is bringing the "managing" thing home with him... I actually threatened the "D" word about 2wks ago, and things were better. Apparently his memory is short, or he thought it was an empty threat...


Shea - March 14

Sounds to me like the cleaning lady is your best bet. I am unfortunately the one that has the OCD about a spotless house, and although dh stays home w/ our son, he is not at all Mr Mom. I am having a particularly hard time now b/c I am working overtime, about 55 hrs a week, and trying to keep up with all of the same things, and I would love a cleaning lady. We could do it, but I hate to part w/ the $$ for something that I can do myself. Maybe after he settles into his new position, things will calm down. I know when things are in upheaval in my work life, I freak extra about having things perfect at home - maybe he is going through that too.


tryingx3 - March 14

We have a cleaning lady right now and it does help...another thing I like is that my daughter is not home when all of those "fumes" are being used. Obviously our house still looks like a toy store, but I am not spending time cleaning toilets when I could be playing with my dd. I work full-time.



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