Need Some Advice OT

15 Replies
LisaB - February 16

I have on eof the greatest best frineds in the world she helps me out with my ds all the time listens to all my silly concerns about him and we talk a million times a day and really shes just great. There is one problem though I watch her dd and have her sleep over and such and everytime her dd and I are alone (her dd is 10) her dd tells me how filthy her house is. Its bad they eat out or eat on paper plates and use plastic utensils because there plates are "missing" she told my dh and I they throw their trash on the floor and you can't see the floors in any of their rooms cuz there are clothes and trash everywhere. This am she told me they have bugs and fruit flies in their hous and in her moms bedroom cuz food containers are in there. I have never been in her house I picked them up one day to go shopping and I had to nurse my ds in the car cause she wouldn't let us in so you know it must be bad. Her family isn't allowed over and her dd can't have friends over or have sleepovers cuz of the dirt. So my question is do I say something? If so what? It sounds to me (I have one other friend that was in her house a few years agao nd I guess its pretty bad) that if a teacher or someone heard this cps could be called. I would hate to see this happen to my frined. We have been friends since high school and even in high school her room was a disaster. Ok enough do I mind my own business speak up??? Help


sahmof3 - February 16

I don't know. My SIL's mom and step-dad live like that, too. I've been in their house one time. UNBELIEVABLE!!!! They had sort of a path between all of the junk to walk, plus they have cats that peed everywhere. It was so disgusting! I've thought about this, too, because their 13yo daughter lives in that. My SIL's mom always was like that but when SIL's younger sister (not the 13yo) lived there with them, she kept things under control because she was the total opposite... complete neat freak! Now it's a disaster and no friends or family have been allowed to step foot in the house for like 7 years (I guess when I was allowed over it was a good day... YIKES). My niece has NEVER been to her grandparents house on her mom's side. They always stay with us when they come in to visit. Well, I haven't said anything... selfish reasons I guess... but it would NOT be good to make waves right now as my brother and his wife are going through a divorce and have been legally separated for quite some time and her sied of the family is very vindictive!! I've seen on Oprah and Dr. Phil that it's a mental condition that can be treated.... but I really don't know how you broach that subject even to a best friend? Well, no advice here, but if it's really bothering the 10yo it sounds like you do need to speak to your friend about it.


LisaB - February 16

sahmof3 do you remember what the condition is called? Mt friend is seeing a therapist now so maybe she could talk to her about it!


rl- - February 16

You know maybe it has gotten so bad she does not know where or how to begin to clean it and that is sad but if she has never been taught how to clean then she may just not know how to keep up on things ya know maybe you should talk to her about what her daughter is saying cause if she is telling you these things she most likely is telling others as well and you know her mom and know they are not being neglected but others may not know this so I think you should let her know this she is your best friend and if you care about her as much as you seem to then do it and maybe you could offer to help her get a handle on things and get it all cleaned up I mean I know that you may not feel like cleaning up someone else's mess but let me say this that is what I would do for my best friend I would take her out alone tell her what her daughter has been saying and then tell her that you are willing to help her clean it all up and get it all straight and also you would be willing to give her some tips on keeping it that way you could always add that you are her best friend and you would never judge her but others would and you don't want cps to get involved know what I am saying. I know my house is not always the cleanest I mean more cluttered than dirty I don't think I could live in a nasty dirty house it would bother me so much so she must really feel bad if her house is as bad as you say.


bchflwr - February 16

My ex SIL was like that. I mean things everywhere. Dishes piled in the sink, laundry (not sure if dirty or clean) all over the floor and couches. If there was an empty space to set something on she did. Most of the things were junk. It was horrible. You could not even see their bedroom floor. How they raised my neice there is beyond me. My mom would tell my brother they had to clean the house up or they could be reported. He would have fights with my SIL about cleaning the house together. But she would always have something she "had to do" like go tanning. Well they are seperated now, and my brothers house in imaculate. I thought it was funny because when they wife leaves the house is supposed to get messier, but now it it so organized. It is a condition, but I can't think of what it is called. I also know she buys things for her dd like 3 sizes too big because they are on sale, but they sit in bags all over the house. I would say something but even if you help her clean her house I can pretty much guarantee you it is going to go back to the way it was shortly after. I don't understand it myself, I don't know if they don't know how to clean, organize, or just can't help it, but if her dd is telling you then it is a possibility someone might report her.


piratesmermaid - February 16

I'm trying to Google some info now, this is what I've got so far: Who develops neglect, lives in filth and squalor or tends to hoard? What happens to people with such tendencies, after heaving been discovered by community mental health services? MATERIALS AND METHODS: During a two-year observation period it was attempted to study all such persons in the city of Halle/Saale. Life history as well as medical, social and psychiatric variables were a__sessed. After a mean period of 11 months these persons were re-a__sessed. RESULTS: 35 persons who lived in squalor and filth or in a neglected condition or who were known to hoard were a__sessed (60 % male, mean age: 63 years). 17 persons (49 %) suffered from an organic brain disease, 14 (40 %) fulfilled criteria of psychotic illness (mainly schizophrenia). In 9 cases a comorbid physical disorder contributed to the prevailing living conditions. After 11 months, for 21 persons (60 %) no amelioration of neglect, squalor or hoarding was observed, which was especially true for persons suffering from a psychotic illness. The results yielded some evidence that interventions, which aimed at living conditions (such as moving to sheltered accommodation), had positive effects, while this was not true for standard mental health care within community services and hospital treatment. CONCLUSION: Neglect, living in squalor and hoarding are frequently symptoms of an underlying psychiatric or somatic illness. In this respect the results suggest that "standard care" proved to be of limited effect -- especially for subjects with a psychotic illness.


piratesmermaid - February 16

I gotta say that this is a toughie. I am reminded of the girl that Ross dated in FRIENDS though (Rebecca Romane-Stamos (sp?)) played her. You don't really want to drag the 10yr old into this, either. Maybe suggest a maid service? That would be expensive though.....


Shea - February 16

My best friend is like this too, but she is single and had no children. She is bipolar, and has many mental health issues, and is in fact on disability for this. I saw a 20/20 special about this once too, and I can't remember the name of the disorder. Periodically my friend has had someone come and help her clean up - she really doesn't like living that way, just feels overwhelmed and powerless to do anything about it. She also has a hard time letting go of anything, even trash. I just don't know if there is anything you can do about it, unless she asks for your help. I think if you let her know that you are there to help, that is all you can do.


Momof5 - February 16

This is a really hard one. Poor little girl, I feel so bad for her... I think you should say something to her and maybe act really sympathetic towards her.. Offer to help her.. Maybe if you act sympathetic and offer to help it will get the point across without hurting her feelings. I bet things have just gotten so out of hand she just doesn't know where to start.. Maybe once it is cleaned she would be able to keep it up...


Smilefull - February 16

the codition is called "compulsive hording" essentially, you can't throw anything away and you keep collecting stuff--eventaully there's so much stuff and clutter you get overwhelmed and stop cleaning.


LollyM - February 16

If you can bring up the subject somehow, maybe mention that you can help her clean up. I know it's hard cause' you don't want to offend her though.


sahmof3 - February 16

"Compulsive Hoarding"... yeah, that's the one! My SIL's mom does that, too. She can't find her stuff so she buys everything new, it gets buried and she buys new again, etc. She keeps EVERYTHING! She can't throw anything out. She can give away things to family, but she can't throw them out. She gave my brother some old clothes of her (now) 13yo dd's for my niece and she even included the 13yo's old underwear!!!! She had kept it! I think I also remember on Oprah that for many of these people they are actually perfectionists... that they would tend toward complete neatness... not one ounce of dirt anywhere... but once something happens, such as depression or some life circ_mstance that prevents the from keeping a 100% perfect house they swing the other way... like an all or nothing type deal.


SonyaM - February 16

I have seen this on Dr. Phil and Oprah too.Don't know the name of it though. Gosh that is a hard one. I would talk to her in a VERY non-confrontational way. The thing is, even when they have someone come in and clean for them they can't keep it up. They usually hoard things and it is a definite mental issue. Poor kid. I can't imagine living liket hat.


shelly - February 16

i remember seeing something like this in an episode of how clean is your house [uk show] and this womans house was so bad cats peeing wherever they chose junk everywhere and it turned out the house was so bad that the woman wanted to change but was so depressed and didnt know where to start so she just left it and it got worse and worse then the team came in and blitzed it and the woman kept in clean when they went back to check so it had a happy ending lol.does sound like the compulsive hoarding,what have you decided to do lisa with the situation? its a tough one.


shelly - February 16

god where is my grammar tonight ,i just read my answer back,no commas no fullstops tsk tsk,i will blame it on mummy brain lol.


Erynn21 - February 16

It's a disease-I am sorry, my grandmother is like this, luckily now she has to keep things kinda clean because she lives in a senior apartment and will be kicked out if she doesn't keep it some what together. My mom tried to clean her old house my grandma got totally peeved and banned her from the house. It ended up having to be condemned, it was so gross I had not been in it since I was 14(I'm 32), it was disgusting, cats peeing, dog poop, you name it was probably there. When my mom tried to clean it she gave herself post traumatic stress because she couldn't stop thinking about all of the spiders she saw in one room she had to take zanex or some kind of meds because she was still so freaked. I feel really sorry for the little girl. It really is hard because if you say something she could be really mad and be how my grandmother was about it.



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